A lady gamer's tribute to Team Fortress 2

I do not need to reiterate just how awesome this game is.  As I have told many of my friends, when I try to analyze Team Fortress 2 and measure out the components that make it great, my head wants to explode.  Sure, this could be a side effect of the California heat, but it could also be on account of how flippin’ awesome Team Fortress 2 is.  If I could, I would bake everyone at Valve a cake, and that is not a lie.

As a devout Medic, I am willing to set aside my annoyance over the difficulty of Medic achievements (I haven’t even gotten the Kritzkrieg yet) to humble myself before Valve as a lady gamer who is bored by an industry that caters mostly to its male consumers.  Actually, I feel the same about any developer who comes up with any insanely attractive male characters, but Valve has put Team Fortress 2 in the spotlight with another free-to-play weekend and the recent Pyro update. 

I spend much of my time huddled or dancing around behind a Heavy Weapons Guy, hoping he will attract bullets and explosives like a magnet.  I simply don’t fair well against enemy fire, and I hate getting my pristine white coat dirty with my blood and the blood of others (make no mistake, I still enjoy bludgeoning Scouts with my Bonesaw).  Maybe the fact that I’ve found time to admire passing Spies, camping Snipers or fleeing Medics is a sign that I really need to pay more attention to the game, but I’m going to excuse my behavior by saying that multitasking is a talent that should be utilized as often as possible.

Why the Spy, Sniper, and Medic?  Why does my heart flutter whenever I hear these three professions calling for a heal?  Let me explain.

He likes to smoke.  A lot.

The Spy takes “tall, dark, and handsome” to a whole new level.  Many women can be impressed by a pressed suit, and I am no exception.  I also follow the dogma that a mask used to conceal one’s identity jacks up the “hot factor” significantly, and as my Neoseeker profile and Steam ID clearly state, Spies are hot because they take me from behind.  Oh, did I mention he’s French?  That accent kills almost as quickly as the outfit.  Running away while laughing at my misfortune, however, is not so attractive. 

I will say that getting murdered by a Spy is one of my least favorite ways of dying.  Being reduced to giblets by a Soldier’s rocket launcher is a much more dignified death than having my spine severed by a sharp dresser’s switchblade. 

He keeps urine in jars.

The Sniper comes next because I noticed him after the Spy.  I can feel less guilty about this selection because Snipers honestly just stand there and point, and now and then I pause to toss ‘em a heal for good measure or build my Übercharge in the relative safety of the battlements.  He’s the rugged sort, quite the opposite from the beloved Spy, but those sunglasses sitting atop a stern expression can be just as mysterious as the Spy’s mask and mad grin.  Did I mention I like accents?  Yes, I think I did, and I love the Sniper’s, despite having a slight British tint to throw off the Australian.  Could stand to trim those sideburns, though.

I’m going to have to admit that a headshot from a Sniper is just as infuriating as a backstab from a Spy.  You’re running around minding your own business when you suddenly drop dead because you didn’t notice that red or blue dot on your forehead.  In order to kill them, you really need to go out of your way most of the time, and I hardly bother unless I’m a Demoman on 2Fort.

Do you think there’s a reason the Sniper’s got such a huge gun?

He's just really happy to see you.

The Medic comes last because I honestly feel for this character in more ways than one.  A part of me dies each time I hear a Medic’s death cry because that Medic might be me.  Oh, could someone tell the Pyros to quit blowing air in my face so I can do my job?  What a bunch of jerks.

That aside, note the Medic’s snazzy battle garments.  He’s running in with a tie (probably isn't a clip-on either) and polished boots, and he dares to wear white when it’ll likely be stained blood red at any given moment (I bet he combs his hair too).  I’ll also mention here that I have a thing for glasses and the intellectual types who wear them.  I’m going to assume that the Medic is as much of an intellect as the Engineer because he’s a freaking doctor, and chances are he makes more money than you and me.  Come on, ladies, a doctor.

He can check me out any time.  I won’t sue for malpractice as long as he keeps speaking with that lovely German accent – oh yes, I totally went back to the accent thing.

It seems highly unlikely that Valve was actually trying to make their characters attractive, and there is very little evidence of fan service; if TF2 were meant to be a fan service game, there would be bodacious female models.  No, I don’t think we were meant to slobber over the character models, but I am drooling anyway.

Oh noes!

"I healed zeh man who vill keel you!"

My current desktop wallpaper; if anyone knows the person who took this screenshot, tell them I have a marriage proposal.

Take note that I am planning to do one of these posts at the end of each week.  I will be choosing each week's eye candy spotlight unless readers (that means you) are willing to PM me any suggestions.  Have you got a noteworthy beefcake or cheesecake in mind?  Drop RabidChinaGirl a PM and let me know.