Human society needs billions and billions of spam messages about the following things: weight loss pills, cheap loans, and penis enlargement pills. If everyone did not receive billions of mailings on these vital three things, the world as we know it would collapse.

Fortunately, some programmers out there have sacrificed their time and labor for the benefit of mankind. Not looking to make a cheap buck off of the intelligent people who order the aforementioned products from the fortuitously found mystery mailings, these botnet makers strive to reach the pinnacle in advertising technology.

SecureWorks, a information security company, recently released a report on the state of the big botnets today.

Here are the top three fantastic new botnets that are convincing computers around the world to join their fabulous marketing campaigns:

1) SriZbi

    Aliases: Cbeplay, Exchanger

    Spam-sending capacity: 60 billion spams a day

    SriZbi is a very stealthy botnet that has a really nifty SMTP engine, which makes it a fantastic botnet. Parts of this botnet are sold to people who just love to sell stuff to other people, out of the kindness of their hearts. To make a good thing even better, the head of the owner of this botnet, a guy named "smp" (not sure why he uses an alias) hired some pillar-of-society contract programmer in the Ukraine to tweak SriZbi.

2) Bobax

   Aliases: Bobic, Kraken, Cotmonger

   Spam-sending capacity: 9 billion spams a day

   People thought Bobax was dead and gone, but SecureWorks believe that it has updated to become the current hero of the Internet, the Kraken botnet. Kraken has shown perseverance and commitment in sending spam to every willing and eager Internet user, but has decided to mix stuff up recently by switching from mortgage spam to low-interest loan spam. This is incredibly helpful because of the US housing market collapse, so not as many mortgages are needed, but low-interest loans with amazing low lending charges are in timely demand.

3) Rustock

   Aliases: RKRustok, Costrat

   Spam-sending capacity: 30 billion spams a day

   Rustock doesn't like to horde all the limelight, and is content being in the third position on this list, with a modest 125,000 computers participating in its willingly advertising control partnership. Rostock has doesn't like to be identified with one particular product, so it tends to choose things that keep things interesting: like under-valued stocks for instance. Lately, Rustock has been exercising its humanitarian interests, by helping get the public in touch with low-cost, effective medications, such as a Viagra and painkillers. Way to go Rustock! Keep up the good work.

Neoseeker congratulates these botnets for all the wonderful spam messages that they have sent out, and for all the hard work and dedication their owners have shown, in connecting the public with the fine goods and services offered.