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Hello everyone, I've just gotten off the phone with the President and I have the unfortunate duty to inform you all that next-gen has been canceled. Yes, despite over a million PlayStation 4 purchases and the thousands of gamers waiting in line as we speak for the Xbox One, there's simply no hope of have having next-gen ready at this moment. Current estimates place next-gen somewhere between 5-7 years out, though that's highly speculative, but one thing is certain: there will be no next-gen any time soon.
By all means, please continue forward and purchase yourself a PlayStation 4 or Xbox One. These devices are exceptional at providing a current-gen experience unlike any previously provided, but do not mistake them for next-gen consoles. That is to say, several of the unintended bugs hardwired into the current generation of consoles still exists in these new pieces of hardware and will not be fixed.
If you are unfamiliar with these current generation bugs, please read the following:
- Extraneous and Exploitative DLC and Microtransations: Yes, it has come to our attention that dozens, hundreds, perhaps millions of microtransactions have burrowed into both the PlayStation 4 and Xbox One. It's a veritable infestation. Should you encounter these small and seemingly harmless rodents as you go about your gaming actions, we prescribe avoiding eye-contact and dear god, do not give them money. Paying for DLC and microtranstions is highly likely to result in further infestation, as well as the following symptoms:
- Post-Traumatic Stress
- Waking Nightmares
- Experience a game as it was originally intended, prior to being broken up into a main release and several DLC packs
Features PCs Had 10 Years Ago: This warning comes in two parts. First, beware the mind-cloud that sets into some current gen console users, rendering them ignorant of the fact that PCs had most of their new console's features ten years ago. It sets in over time and the symptoms can be difficult to notice. There is unfortunately no cure, though prolonged exposure to a modern PC has been said to work miracles if science and medicine is to be believed.
The second portion of this warning is that every time new consoles are released, so are the poor, idiotic victims of the mind-cloud awakened from their slumber. Little do they realize how old and lacking in power their new consoles are compared to PCs, which makes them dangerous creatures -- especially if they stumble upon a creature themselves. The mental snap that occurs when a mind-cloud victim finds a PC often results in the mashing of keyboards and posting of terrifying and stupid online forum comments. Beware.
- The Same Damn Games: Seriously, that's the same damn game you played last year and you think a year of polishing textures and a new story written by Tom Clancy's friend's niece makes it a game of the year contender? That's the same damn game, yo.
- Old, Friendly Mascots: This, perhaps, may be the saddest thing you'll ever here. Hundreds of mascots, in order to celebrate the release of the new consoles, will be released from their disgusting cages to sing and dance for would-be consumers. "Look how he smiles," and ,"He's just like I remember!" will be common statements, but the truth of the matter is these mascots are long dead. Their corpses have been brought back to life through arcane means to spread dark magics most foul. The magic I speak of is of course known as nostalgia. Nostalgia can make even the most tedious, boring and unoriginal gameplay seem fresh and exciting. Do not trust these mascots; pity these mascots.
- Nonsense: The largest and most common bug is of course complete and utter nonsense. None of it even makes sense and yet it's everywhere. Seriously, why do things have to work this way? Why do you need an app to watch Youtube? Expect console makers to hide their nonsense in dark corners or even to paint it as something attractive. It's not attractive. It's nonsense.
Again, these are just a few of the many reasons why the President has decided that we are simply not ready for next-gen and that the current generation will simply have to be extended. This was followed by the President asking why his new game Super Mario 3D World wouldn't work in his Nintendo Wii.
Take heart though, citizens, because video games.
Follow Rory Young on Twitter @bluexy or read his news, reviews and features every day here at Neoseeker.