Hello, Pokemon fans. My name is Rory Young and I am a scientist. That means that the conclusions I make from any research I perform become inarguable fact. That is how science works. It is my gift to players of video games that I turn my eye towards their medium in order to discover the truth behind the truth and make lists of of said truth. Today our focus is on Pokemon X and Y, which will be released on October 12, in order discover which of the new Pokemon is truly the best.
At this point I want to clearly state that in order to conduct my research according to my personal expectation of quality we must discuss every Pokemon in Pokemon X and Y. That means this will potentially include Pokemon that have been confirmed via leaks, but not yet officially through Nintendo. As such, this is my SPOILER WARNING. If you do not want portions of Pokemon X and Pokemon Y's PokeDex then do not continue reading.
Let's start the science.
Best New Pokemon #5: Slurpuff
Previous research into favorite Pokemon types has revealed to me that fans love Pokemon based off of food. Don't get me wrong, I think this thing is ugly as sin, but popularity counts even in science and Slurpuff is by far the most popular of the new Pokemon. Thus, Slurpuff sneaks into our list at #5. You all have terrible, terrible taste in Pokemon. Oh my, was that a pun?
Best New Pokemon #4: Mega Blastoise
There is nothing more significant to gaming culture than guns. Since Mega Blastoise has three guns sticking out of his shell, it's only math to realize that this makes him one of the best Pokemon. If that doesn't make sense, I have to ask whether you play video games at all and why you are reading this article in the first place.
Seriously, who are you? Why are you here? Are you trying to steal my Pokemon research? How dare you.
Best New Pokemon #3: Klekfi
This one time I lost my keys and as I sat on my front porch I saw my life flash in front of my eyes. I nearly died. It's clear to me that a designer at Nintendo similarly shared a near death experience and has decided to immortalize said event with Klekfi. Never has a Pokemon represented such a deep, emotionally trying event. Now everyone knows the truth, and each time you look at Klekfi you must remember the curse of humanity. A man, sitting cold and kind of hungry on his porch, knowing warmth and his laptop are sitting just meters away. If only... if only he had his keys.
Like this if you cry every time.
Best New Pokemon #2: Quilladin
Science has long proven that the most important Pokemon in each game are its starter Pokemon. The next question becomes which of the starter Pokemons' evolutions are the most important? The answer, according to my most recent research, is the middle evolution. Here's why:
- Most rare. Considering most Pokemon players either keep their starter in their initial state or fully evolve them, this makes the middle evolution the least played and least cared about, which also makes it the most rare.
- Symbolic of the Pokemon's transformative powers. Yes, because the initial form of a Pokemon is the iconic form, while the final form is meant to represent the Pokemon's eventual power, the middle state is intended to represent the transformative powers of the Pokemon. Symbolism. Metaphors. Pokemon.
- Worst looking. Middle evolution Pokemon often look stupid as heck.
- Since two, for second evolution, is double that of one, representing the first evolution, it is thusly more significant. Three, however, is indivisible by two, and as such is disqualified from acknowledgment.
Using the above science, it only makes sense that Quilladin be recognized as the best of the middle evolutions of the starter Pokemon, which in turn are the best evolutions of said starter Pokemon. Why Quilladin over the other starter Pokemon middle evolutions? Because he is the largest, and so has more of the best than the others.
Best New Pokemon #1: Goomy
Look at him. JUST LOOK AT HIM. GG, SCIENCE.