Disclaimer: The opinions and viewpoints expressed by the author do not necessarily reflect the opinions and viewpoints of Neoseeker. As a parody, the opinions and viewpoints expressed by the author do not necessarily reflect the opinions and viewpoints of the author, either.
Hello everyone. Welcome to our first edition of This Week in Video Game Bull@!$*, where we go over the biggest controversies and issues our great industry has had to deal with over the past seven days.
Fair warning, some of these issues may make you uncomfortable. They should. You'd be odd if they didn't. Making video games in this modern day and age isn't as simple as it once was. We are watching a new moral foundation be built around us, and it's our choice, nay, our responsibility to help create an industry with the values we each share.
Unfortunately, there's a lot of bull@!$* out there and someone needs to set the record straight. I'll gladly bear the burden of such an important role and ask of you one thing. Please stay quiet until I'm finished, I get flustered when others try to talk over me.
Dead Space 3 "Hardcore" Players Beg for Handouts
Here's a controversy that should get every true gamer angry. Visceral Games is providing "hardcore" and "old school" gamers (read: losers without jobs) the ability to acquire weapons through legitimate time expenditure and gameplay in Dead Space 3. Let met put this another way, ahem. The items and equipment I've invested dollars into, real human money, is being devalued and given out through charitable means to a minority of entitled gamers.
It's the equivalent of video game communism! These damn items wouldn't even be in the game if it wasn't for my investment, but Visceral is okay with just giving them to people who aren't even willing to spend an extra few dollars for better gear? If it was my choice (and it should be because I'm spending my hard earned money) I'd ban all these "share the wealth hippies straight away! If they can't spend pocket change on microtransactions it's ridiculous to think they spent $60 (or like myself, the $160 exclusive Dev Team Edition) in the first place. Pirates and lazy college students sharing used games between passing joints is all they are. Do the right thing, Visceral, and pass these slackers and takers' information onto the proper authorities.
Electronic Sport 'League of Legends' Bans Professional Gamers for Competitive Spirit
Maybe you're not a fan of electronic sports, or as those familiar call them "GameSports", but perhaps that's because the people in charge have their heads up their butts. The latest brilliant decision from "GameSports" officials for League of Legends involved two lifetime bans for up-and-coming professional players just days before their team was set to compete in the biggest tournament of their lives. Listing one of these players as having, "established the highest harassment score ever recorded on the EU West server. No player, before or since, has matched this degree of negative behavior."
I'll tell you what you've banned, "GameSports" officials, you've banned opportunity. You know what you do? You do what the NBA and the NFL have done for years, and what hockey thrives on -- you put these jerks on television. Where I come from we don't punish competitive spirit, we profit off of it. Who are we to judge these young professionals and how they choose to vent their obvious frustration with poor players. Ban the players reporting them! Encourage a higher level of competition!
Nintendo Selling the Same Games to US Audiences and Saying They're New
I'm pretty sure me and the rest of America bought those games announced on Nintendo Direct back when they were called Kirby's Epic Yarn, Wind Waker (not HD), Monster Hunter, and Bayonetta One, Nintendo. You can't pull a fast on on this old boy. Take back your "crossovers", your "HD remakes", your "sequels", your "original IP", and all that bunk. Japan may love it, but not this continent! I'll admit that Yoshi made of yarn is adorable, but like a Trojan horse I know it's full of lies!
THQ CEO Jason Rubin Caught Stealing Property After Company Auction
There are two controversies surrounding the Chapter 11 bankruptcy sale of THQ. The first is that I didn't file the appropriate paperwork in time and missed my opportunity to purchase the best racing series ever, Juiced. The second is that THQ CEO Jason Rubin was caught stealing valuable property from the office as he left the office after the auction finished. In the photo, captured by paparazzi, you can clearly see Rubin taking the property away from THQ headquarters, avoiding questions as to his obviously nefarious plans.
Later, Rubin would tweet that, "For the record, still #notembarrased". You should be, Jason. Shame, shame.
SimCity Developers Stretching Performance and Patience with 10 Regions per Account
In a time where online gamers are constantly preyed upon by online predators, SimCity developers have decided to allow an unprecedented 10 regions per account. For those unaware, a region is composed of sixteen different cities, all of which can be populated by "friends" or as I call them "backstabbers". That means that when playing SimCity there might be as many as fifteen online predators only inches from your doorstep. With our country in the state it's currently in, I wouldn't trust my extended family on my doorstep, let alone people from the Internet.
Here's what you do, Maxis. Give each play a single city, and a small one at that. That way players can constantly watch every road into their city and police them for strangers and communists. You can never be too careful. These days, however, gamers like multiplayer, so maybe we should make some allowances. After a healthy government background check, a credit check and a drug test, let a friend or relative perhaps watch their friend work on their city. You know what, I don't like that idea either. You can't trust the government anymore, even with a background check. Now's just not the time for a city building game, Maxis. Put it on the shelf until we get back our gun rights.
And that's all the controversy I've got the time or patience to address this week, my Neoseeker friends. As always, maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when reading about news from anyone other than myself -- it's difficult to tell who to trust these days. There's always another side to every story, and thank goodness someone like me is here to help point out which side is correct.
I'll be back next week with another "This Week in Video Game Bull@!$*", unless the man catches on and I've got to run for the border. In which case you can at least pretend not to fall for their tricks, okay? Just for a while? I mean damn, come on. Come on. Damn. Video games, people.
Follow Rory Young on Twitter @bluexy, or read his news stories every day here on Neoseeker.com