[Update] ESRB: Dead or Alive Paradise contains "creepy voyeurism"

"So I take her picture, then ogle it in the privacy of my hotel room?  Sounds like a fun game!"

The ESRB doesn't like Tecmo's newest Dead or Alive too much.  Big surprise there.

Their detailed explanation for DoA Paradise is pretty hilarious though, as you'll see very shortly.  Most gamers know every game in the series is just tasteless fan service in a box, which shouldn't come has a huge surprise to anyone who follows the publisher's popular titles.

The ESRB's description takes apart the game and does get a few things down pat, but it also serves as a reminder that Dead or Alive is SRS BZN.  So how do you make Paradise look like a rape sim?  Like this:

This is a video game in which users watch grown women dressed in G-string bikinis jiggle their breasts while on a two-week vacation. Women’s breasts and butts will sway while playing volleyball, while hopping across cushions, while pole dancing, while posing on the ground, by the pool, on the beach, in front of the camera. There are other activities: Users can gamble inside a casino to win credits for shopping; they can purchase bathing suits, sunglasses, hats, clothing at an island shop; they can "gift" these items to eight other women in hopes of winning their friendship, in hopes of playing more volleyball. And as relationships blossom from the gift-giving and volleyball, users may get closer to the women, having earned their trust and confidence: users will then be prompted to zoom-in on their friends’ nearly-naked bodies, snap dozens of photos, and view them in the hotel later that night.

Parents and consumers should know that the game contains a fair amount of "cheesy," and at times, creepy voyeurism—especially when users have complete rotate-pan-zoom control; but the game also contains bizarre, misguided notions of what women really want (if given two weeks, paid vacation, island resort)—Paradise cannot mean straddling felled tree trunks in dental-floss thongs.

"Dental-floss thongs?"  That just sounds painful.

Yes, the games can be "creepy" when you think about all the people out there drooling over scantily clad ladies who look more like a little girl's dolls.  And let's not forget the bizarre Jell-O breast physics...

Update:  The ESRB appears to have noticed all the drama and ensuing hilarity surrounding the statement on their site.  It has since been removed, and an ESRB rep apologized in a recent statement:

"The rating summary for Dead or Alive Paradise was posted to our website in error, and we have since replaced that version with the corrected one.  We recognize that the initial version improperly contained subjective language and that issue has been addressed.

"Our intention with rating summaries is to provide useful, detailed descriptions of game content that are as objective and informative as possible.  However they are ultimately written by people and, in this case, we mistakenly posted a rating summary that included what some could rightfully take to be subjective statements. We sincerely regret the error and will work to prevent this from happening again in the future."

Hey, it's not like we needed the ESRB to tell us how damn awkward DoA is.