This week marks the beginning of another Team Fortress 2 update campaign. Which class, you ask? Alas, none.
Valve calls this the "Classless Update" (hah!) and on Day 1, they introduced a new Arena map and lots of hats. The map is called "Offblast" and possesses a sort of mining theme. Here's how Valve is selling it:
Arena Offblast is a fast-paced, high-altitude community map set in a top secret missile silo wedged into the top of a hollowed-out mountain. Open-air paths and narrow hallways converge on a central control point located just under the silo’s blast doors.
This mountaintop arena also boasts a sheer cliff face encircling the battleground, giving you the chance to help your opponents improve their tactics. Specifically, anyone you blast over the side will get some time to think about the various flaws in their “standing next to the edge of a cliff”
Sounds like fun. Of course, the map is merely a stage for players to showcase their new hats! Yes, Valve has released no less than 18 hats for the various classes, declaring these fashionable accessories the "ultimate status symbol." Classless? More like classy.
These awesome hats will only make you feel manlier -- at least, that's what Valve is claiming. As always, the team came up with a hilariously elaborate description for something otherwise prosaic:
Throughout history, men have worn hats as a way of showing how much better they are than other men. “I buy hats,” a behatted man seems to say. “I am better than you.”
In wartime, hats were a useful way of conferring rank, and ensuring that casualties were confined to the lower classes (hence the famous command of “Don't fire till you see the tops of their heads” at the Battle of Bunker Hill by William Prescott, a general renowned for only shooting enemy combatants who were poor). During peacetime, hats have been instrumental for men to let the non-hatted know just who is wearing the hat around here.
And that’s the entire history of hats. The history you were spoon fed at school, that is, in your government-run hat class. But here’s a little truth bomb your teachers, pastors and ombudsmen of your regional newspapers DON’T WANT YOU TO KNOW: Team Fortress now has MORE hats. We hope this didn’t blow your mind out of the top of your head, since you’ll need a place to put all these cool new hats.
More to come as the week progresses. We have yet to see a new "Meet the Team" video!