The story of FFVII, according to Shuyins Girl

"Final Fantasy VII (7, for those of you who don't know Roman numerals or are just stupid) is about a guy named Cloud. Cloud has funny spiky blonde hair that can't be natural. One of Cloud's childhood friends is Tifa. Tifa has boobs way too big to be real, and I'm sure Cloud looks at them whenever he talks to her. Cloud bragged in his home town of Nibelheim about how he was just so utterly fantastic and would make it to 1st Class SOLDIER. Unfortunately, he sucked when he attempted to reach his goal, and became nothing more than a dispensable grunt.

But Cloud had another friend named Zack, who had the rank Cloud wanted. Cloud decided to be very mean and steal all of Zack's stories. Putting a personal spin on them, he shared his lies with his family and friends.

There was this one guy with silver hair and a longass sword. His name was Sephiroth, or Sephy for short among many fans. Sure, he had a big sword, but he had an even bigger ego. He thought he was the best in the world. But when he found out how he was made - which was more than just Mummy and Daddy making the doonas dance () - he got real angry with the evil mega corp Shin-Ra. Sephy, who was also part of SOLDIER's elite, decided he would go all badass on everyone in the world...

On a journey to stop Sephiroth, Cloud joined up with many people. One day, he met a girl named Aerith. Aerith looked young and spiffy and normal, but she was in fact an Ancient (old hag). So, she wasn't young or normal. But regardless, it is hinted that Cloud slowly began to fall in love with Aerith. Tifa was annoyed with that, and pulled various strings to make sure that Sephy found Aerith and killed her.

Tifa had an unknown party and everyone who liked Tifa and hated Aerith was happy.

Meanwhile, Cloud got uber depressed that he had no one to show off his big sword to anymore. He would forever keep it away from the public eye, because he lost the one woman he had ever loved. He got angry with Sephiroth. He found him and said "You, kind sir, are an asshole!"

What the evil Sephiroth wanted to do was be like the other evil being Jenova. Jenova was a whore who liked to float naked in tanks. Jenova cells were taken and put in Sephiroth, making him uber cool.

So, Sephy thought 'Hang on... If I try and destroy the world, the pretty swirly green thing known as the Lifestream will come to heal the planets wound. Using my coolness, I can absorb the Lifestream and completely pwn Cloud and those little bastard friends of his!'

So, Sephiroth prepared to destroy the world. Unfortunately, Shin-Ra decided they would try and stop their monstrosity. However, Shin-Ra HQ went boom, with the new president blondie Rufus supposedly perishing along with many unamed extras who lack importance.

Cloud decided "I'm gonna kick that silver-haired freaks ass!" So, along with Tifa, the big-boobed chick who got Aerith killed; Barret, the Mr T wannabe; Cid, the constantly swearing badass with a flying boat; Cait Sith, the funny kitty who is actually a robot, but still a funny kitty; Red XIII, a... thing... With fire on his tail! and the two secret characters Vincent (awesome) and Yuffie (annoying) Cloud managaed to completely pwn Sephiroth. Even in his mind, Cloud beat Sephy. After Sephiroth was gone and the world was saved, Cloud was super happy. Barret ditched his adopted daughter with Tifa, who whored herself out to randoms when Cloud turned her down because he didn't want anyone other than Aerith to see his big sword. Vincent went back to seclusion, and Yuffie remained annoying. Cait Sith went... somewhere... Only to reappear again with a penchant for whacking Red XIII on the head. Cid went off for anger management classes and his friends set up a swear jar for him. After 3 days, they had 8000 gil.

Even to this very day, Cloud sits emo-y pining for his bitch to come back. Tifa is still secretly a sexy barmaid hooker. I recommend you try her. Barret hugs and kisses his daughter in a non-paedophiliac way. Cid is still contributing to the swear jar. Vincent is still being a loner and Yuffie is still being annoying.

Also involved were the Turks, but stuff 'em."