I doubt anyone will ever read this anyway, but I might as well. I use to be a pretty good Mormon, ya'know going to church every sunday, all that jazz. Then however I noticed something very interesting on a visit to my mother's in Idaho: hardly anyone else acted the way I was told I should, now for a few years actually I believed that it was just in that old Mormon Colonies that had grown weak you could say, and that every religion had to have some degredation. Then, just recently I noticed the same sort of thing happening here in my home town, only in a slightly different light. Instead of those acting as I deemed rougishly inside the church, I noticed that they would act like saints and angels inside and as soon as they were out and about they'd be no better than anyone else. It was from there that I looked back on what little I could remember from my past and saw everywhere how few people actually were how they were supposed to be, and then I realized that not even I myself were worthy of the title given by my church to all its members...

That was what really sunk me low. Sure nobody could ever say that I had led an easy and carefree life, but I always had something, I had those others who I knew suffered just as I did. In a way I guess I thought of it as suffering through the trials and tribulations of this world, a commonly taught principle. A reason that good and kind people would be allowed to be so tormented. In that moment I not only saw my own incredible weakness, but I lost faith. The one thing I had left that kept me from descending into the pits of my depression was removed, and so I sank and I did so rapidly. Even now I'm drifting farther and farther from sanity itself.

One friend of mine, quite possibly the only person I really trusted at the time was the first to at least mention what they saw. Comically enough they believed for some reason that it was somehow their fault. Of all the people that I had become depressed because, one of the few that were not involved thought it was them...but no matter now. I feel I have lost that person anyway, the one whom I've probably trusted most since I was young and innocent. The one person whom though I never really trust, I let in, and I doubt they would ever realize just how much it meant to me.

I am lost and cannot be found. I stride through the darkness afraid and alone, though many think they see confidence etched upon imperious brow. Lost are the days of deceit and regret, now I only wish to be found. Though I be naked, half-dead for all the world to see. I care not, for I know that my grief is masked by the darkness surrounding me. Am I too far gone to be saved? Would any dare risk their chance at eternity for one such as I? I see none that can or will, I wish none to find me. No longer do I wish to be come across, for any to do so would mean their destruction as well.


I don't have too many interests anymore. I use to like to run on cool and crisp mornings, especially in the rain or fog. I don't do that. I use to play video games, I've now lost interest in them as well. In fact the only thing I do anymore that I like is reading and writing, and I hardly do those anymore either
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Conrad Ross

  • Visalia, CA, U.S.A US
  • Joined Mar 19, 2005
  • Male
  • 27 years young
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