Team Hydro Aura shared a forum thread
Jul 21, 16 4:32am !Welcome to Overwatch, Heroes! Which persona will yo

Team Hydro Aura shared a forum thread
Jul 21, 16 3:41am _ Pachimari is my favorite. He has the best ability: to stun all character

Team Hydro Aura
Jun 22, 16 8:01pm
I know, someday, your goals will be met / But, as for me... don't ever forget.
Team Hydro Aura shared a forum thread
Jun 02, 16 7:24pm

--Quote-- Last night's patch brought a new weekly gamemode titled Brawls, which borrows from Hearthstone's idea of ha

Team Hydro Aura shared a forum thread
May 24, 16 10:54pm

Hey guys! It's May 24th, so time to party! (by shooting each other a lot) I've been super hyped up for this game s

Team Hydro Aura
Apr 05, 16 7:25pm
Finally beat Conquest - HARD/CLA/no paralogues/no DLC. Maps were mostly good+creative but game was overall pretty bad :( also screw endgame
Team Hydro Aura
Apr 01, 16 5:34pm
Team Hydro Aura shared a forum thread
Mar 22, 16 9:47pm

_Aight so I bought the big ol' map pack 'cause I love FE and whatnot BUT. I have a physical copy of Birthright. I

Rouge Elite Team Hydro Aura
Feb 06, 16 11:51pm
You know, I was a freshmen in high school when I first met you and started posting on the KI:U boards. That was 4 years ago
Krystal Dark Team Hydro Aura
Feb 04, 16 5:23pm
Happy late welcome back!
Team Hydro Aura shared a forum thread
Feb 03, 16 4:40am

_Chapter One: The Real Hero Is the Narrator, in Case You Were Wondering_ He marched through the snow. Dawn peeked over

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Jan 27, 16 4:04pm

_]'s !Sky Swift ] !!vs _]'s !Ekys Vylvidor

Team Hydro Aura
Jan 27, 16 12:10pm
The whole truth of why I up and went poof about a year and a half ago:
Team Hydro Aura blogged
Jan 27, 16 12:09pm

Around mid-March of 2014, I stopped feeling.

I didn't smile, I didn't laugh, I didn't cry(now that, there, was the shock to me). There was just... Nothing. Looking back now, it's horrifying; how could I have reached a point where my emotional well had run so dry as to produce nothing, not even a twitch or a smirk? NOTHING?

For years before that point, I'd been depressed. I didn't know it. I thought I ate so little because I did so little, and I figured I did so little because I was an introvert, and, well, I'm sure everyone is sad sometimes. I'm sure it takes everyone hours to fall asleep because they can't stop thinking about their failures or their worthlessness or whathaveyou.

A thyroid problem, the doctor told me. Still don't know if he's quite right, I suppose. (My mother was grasping at straws, so she took that one up in a heartbeat.)

So when it came to feeling nothing, I used the reason I had left to figure out how I had gotten there. Now, there must be a limit to emotion, doesn't there? Therefore, if I have cried myself to sleep for so many nights as I can remember and been smothered by disappointment of my own making, they must be all gone. (The smiles, of course, had been faked for quite a while. An art I have perfected. There were a few genuine ones here and there but they were hard to tell apart near the end if I'm being honest.)

The nothingness went on for about three weeks, in which I did not contact anyone. The reason for this was that I figured they would ask if anything was wrong and I didn't have it in me to lie anymore, and God damn me to hell if I were to be honest. I lied to myself more than anyone, every day and every night, so that would shatter the whole thing.

& What I lied about was that I mattered when I didn't have any proof to show for it. I did, though, but unfortunately a diseased mind doesn't let the light in. So, to think yourself a burden is a simple thought process that relies on external worth: I'm a failure, all of these people are spending time and money on me yet I can't do anything right, and in Psych I learned about depression and I had to hide my shaking hand because they all fit me, and why would I be depressed when I have so many great things, that's just being selfish and inconsiderate and think of all those who have less and-
Et cetera et cetera et cetera, day in and day out. Of course that's just one of the many(and I didn't chase it all the way to the end here).

So, lying, lying makes everything better. AS WE ALL KNOW.

The end of the nothingness occurred on Mother's Day, 2014. Everyone had to go to church, and I had to go to Driver's Ed, which I took for several hours during Saturdays and Sundays at the time. I couldn't miss church as I usually did because then I would miss a Driver's Ed session.

A little sidetrack here: I didn't like going to church at that time because of the people. God's my bud, my bro, but those people drove me crazy. In a small church, you become a part of a small community, and they talk to you and recognize you but it's an arm's length relationship. They ask how are you, but they're not REALLY asking how are you, ya feel me? It's just a common courtesy in our culture and nothing more. But, still, it's pretty much all you get when it comes to the arm's length relationship.

And the arm's length relationship was how I felt about every single one of my relationships. Nothing truly deep and meaningful, just fluff, courtesies, nothing that really MEANS something. (And, really, I was too afraid to talk about the meaningful things - especially in relation to myself - for fear of it being brushed over. That's because I was extraordinarily afraid of it being ignored or brushed over. That I didn't believe I could recover from. I did, I have.) But I couldn't fake that kind of stuff in church because you just can't lie about everything so blatantly in the Big Man's House. It's easy everywhere else, but I couldn't do it there.

I had to go to church with my family, but I stayed in the car while they went in. Halfway through, my dad came out and said, "I'm going to give you a choice. Go inside or don't." I didn't. He started driving. He told me I was dead to him and no longer a part of the family. After this Driver's Ed, I'd have to stay with my grandparents or whatever, he didn't care.

During that car ride I thought about jumping out. Even opened the door at one point. I mean, I didn't care, either. That there was the closest I came to anything even remotely like suicide, I'm glad to say.

I didn't. I was dropped off some 40 minutes away in a run-down parking lot. I sat down and read Stephen King short stories while families in their fine Mother's Day clothes entered and exited the diner beside me. I didn't think. I didn't let myself think.

About an hour later, someone ran up to me and spilled tears on my clothes. Dear Old Mom, worried sick, taking me into her arms. I think for a second she really cares-

"He's going to divorce me, he's going to do it, he'll leave me and it'll be your fault. You have to change, you have to or you'll tear the family apart."

Okay nevermind I was right I'm a selfish person and no one should care about me and-

Stephen King, there's a farmer reading in his farmhouse, and my family has gone inside to eat. Before they left, Mom told me she'll come back to pick me up, and I'd better be ready to make some changes.

Weekend Driver's Ed on Sundays is four hours. I went four hours without even the slightest hint that anything may be wrong. I told you guys: master of smile faking!

Now, I cannot say I did not hope someone would ask. I always hoped someone would ask, even if I was hiding it. Counterintuitive and very illogical, yes, but that's what you end up with when you've got diseased thinking, no?

(Also props to Stephen King for Full Dark, No Stars, a very depressing short story collection about the dark realities of human nature. It was just what I needed - no sarcasm.)

The four hours ended and I got into the car. I knew I had to say it. I had to do it, I had to. I was backed into a corner.

I had to be honest.

It takes about an hour and a half to get from there back to my house. That ride, I was silent until about the :50 minute mark. Even after everything, that fear still weighed on me: "she'll just say I'm making excuses, what if it IS just an excuse? I don't know if I really am, and there's no way anyone would believe me, they see me smile and laugh all the time, who would believe that?" (Some already hadn't)

But I would be losing everything if I didn't face my worst fear. God works in mysterious ways, as they say. One side won out in the ceaseless inner argument:

"I am depressed."

And absolutely everything flipped from that moment on.

She not only believed me, she cried because she thought herself a failure for not recognizing it sooner. Everything suddenly made sense to her(this part confused me then, because all of the wrong things seemed normal, but makes complete sense now). I found I was able to talk about many of the problems and fears I'd been having, and I found I was able to cry again.

Cry in relief. Not in hopelessness, not in sadness, not in disappointment. So I guess I did have a feeling left!

I received not only understanding but also overwhelming support from both of my parents. I never would have even dreamed of that happening, of anyone going out of their way to find ways I might better myself. (She still reminds me: make sure you get sunshine, it'll keep you happier!)

I started to eat better, and everything stopped feeling so darn cold all the time. I didn't get as many headaches. I still wasn't quite there, though. I was climbing up, but the blue sky was as small as a pinpoint in the darkness.

Then there was Forward Conference. At the end of each June, a big church around me throws a Christian conference for teenagers in the Gwinnett Arena. My heart wasn't all in it until the last day.

The speaker for that day, Reggie Dabbs, well, I can't say he didn't warn us. "Are you sure you're ready for this?"

"Yeah!" the crowd screamed.

"Okay. I'm going to list the top 7 afflictions teens face, and if it affects you, stand up."

We shouldn't have said yeah. We SHOULD NOT have said yeah.

My heart rate at that moment could not have been calculated by any scale in existence. They'd just break from being overloaded. I knew he was going to say it, I just KNEW it. And I would have to stand. In front of 16k people.

The first one he said was anger. A guy in front of us stood, we placed hands on him and all shouted a chant matching that of the World Cup - "I believe that we will win" but "I believe in Jesus Christ."

We sit down again. He goes on to the second.


I stand up without hesitation. I look no where but up. I can feel my tears but they don't matter, nothing else matters. It was something I needed to do. To really, truly accept it.

And, you know, my best friend stood beside me. We linked arms, too.

It was time for us to sit down. Reggie said anger again... And more than before stood up. He said depression again. I stood, and more around me did as well.

He said depression a third time. Three girls in front of us stood for the first time. These three had given me the stink eye during the earlier parts of the service(I am the type to holler at concerts when I get excited). The first time I stood, they placed hands on me. They looked somewhat uncomfortable. The second time, I could see them crying. The third time, they stood themselves. I stopped and placed my hands on them that time.

In a very big sense, I learned two lessons more valuable than time itself:
1. Only by accepting your failure/flaws/etc. can you help others to avoid them(or at least relieve the burden, if only a little bit)
2. I have absolutely nothing to be afraid of.

That second one hit me that night. Once it did, I cried tears of joy. I always thought those were a myth. It's easy to believe something so great doesn't exist, especially when they're so hard to reach.

Now all of this is nothing I am ashamed of. I'll share it with anyone. In fact, I suggest you share it, and especially share if you think it will help someone you know. Share in anywhere and everywhere, on the book of faces or the tweetster or the spinster or whatever the kids are doing nowadays. And if you want to talk to me about it - or about ANYTHING - hit me up. Really, please do. I'm honest now, and I'll do anything I can to help you.

Because that moment was my miracle. I've been great since then. Sure, depression is a thing that never wholly goes away, but it's a skirmish I know I'll never lose. Never.

At this point you may be saying: "okay, but why didn't you COME BACK after that?"

Well, I may believe that I have nothing to fear, but that does not make me brave. And it would take bravery to face everyone again, and this place again, because I'm different now. I still wasn't sure new me could explain old me's actions. I still hadn't really worked them out for myself. I mean, talk about selfishness... Old me had a piece and a half of it to give everyone. So I also want to say I'm sorry. For being a POS liar, manipulator, gossiper, what else. For throwing away responsibilities I had - even hiding from them. Most of all, though, I'm sorry for keeping the truth from the folks I should have trusted all along.

So there it all is laid out bare. Feel free to ask anything and, as always, I love you all. <3

- Olivia/THA/Whateveryouwannacallme

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Team Hydro Aura
Jan 10, 16 8:06pm
Hello. It's me.
Sigma Team Hydro Aura
Jan 10, 16 11:08am
omg you posted youre alive <3 :')
Vast Team Hydro Aura
Jan 10, 16 1:27am
you're alive?

Olivia Rose Boleman

  • GA, USA US
  • Joined Oct 31, 2009
  • Female
  • private
  • private
  • Writer


  • Profile views 27,705
  • Number of logins 3,841
  • Forum Posts 14,236

Game Identities

  • 3DS Friendcode 008727061771
  • Nintendo Network ID Sir_Aaron
  • XBL Gamertag: VioletVixenator