Biography

A fanfic written about me and my one true love:

Slowpoke was always a normal boy, nothing to odd about him. A little naive, a bit annoying, but good in intentions and actions. He never wanted anything more then to be happy, maybe make a few people laugh on the way. He got decent grades, had some good friends, and generally was happy. He did, however, go on the internet. Not just your normal facebook or youtube, either. Oh no, he went on a little forum website, mostly unnoticed. here he found many people, those who liked him and talked with him regularly, and those who, to say as little as possible, didn't. It was a strange little site, but slowpoke enjoyed himself on there. He talked about his favorite games, met some great people, and had a lot of fun. One thing he never thought he'd fine on this little site, though, was love.

And then he saw her post.

She was an odd little girl, to say the least. Always going on and on about some thing called "Anime" and "DEATH TO THOSE THAT PREFER CARTOONS". After he made one little post asking what anime was, she went on a rage about all the glorious things about it and how it was the best thing in the world. At first, her hyperactive posts scared him a bit, but eventually, little Slowpoke began to see the sweetness in her; her cries of "DESU DESU" became music to his eyes. He became filled with rapture at every time he talked to her. His heart swelled with glee every time he saw her post about the wonders of anime, which he soon became addicted so he could always have something to talk to her about.

All was wonderful in Slowpoke's world.

But all good things must end, and he saw less and less of this magnificent girl. She didn't post as much, and when she did it seemed different. Less of that energy he loved in her, that spark of life that made her her. She didn't seem truly alive anymore. he sweet posts lost that hit. So slowpoke grew sad, he became more cynical, and lashed out at those who did him little wrong. Soon she barely posted at all, and slowpoke was a shell of the boy he once was. In one of his few moments of clarity, a thought came to him, a thought that he latched on to and would, for the rest of his life, never let go.

I must find animegurl.

But where to start? He was just a 12 year old boy on the internet. His mother would never allow him to stay up past his 8:30 bedtime, let alone to search for a girl in the real world. His only choice was to search the internet in hopes of some scrap of information as to where she could be. But how to go about that? He has limited knowledge of how to navigate the web and she had disappeared without a trace, leaving no hint or clue as to where she is or where she will be. This was a tall order for Slowpoke, but he won't give up. He mustn't. It is his destiny.

And so he begins his search. The Search of Love.

So he put on his trench coat and fedora (all detectives wear a trench coat and fedora),and he began to work. He pored over every single post she had ever made, looking for something, anything to give a clue. He found a name, a sweet glorious name that when he said it out loud it pierced the heavens like a drill. He found a face, a face that brought him to his knees and made him thank the gods. But he couldn't find a address, or a number, or even a MSN where he could talk to his beloved. Then, in his darkest hour, and he reached for the gun that would end his life, he found it. Nothing more, just a email address. He finally had it, this was it, his ultimate victory. He cried with tears of joy, and shouted to the streets "I FOUND HER!"

But little did he know that things weren't always as they appeared.

For little did he know that the email address, aNiMeLuVrOtAkU@msn.com belonged to someone very different from his beloved Animegurl, and that perhaps Animegurl herself was very different from what he believed her to be.

He wept bitter, salty tears of joy as he copied and pasted the email address and composed his letter.

To my dear beloved Animegurl,
Oh how I have missed you, my sweet love. I don't know where you've been all 12 years of my life, but that matters not for now I have found your email address and we can be together forever now. Surely you are my true soul mate and we'll be together for all eternity. Please reply back.
Slowpoke

And reply back she did. And again. And again. And again. Soon they were happily in love, and six months later decided it would be a good idea for them to meet up in the mystical place known as "irl". It was a daunting concept for both of them, but their bond was so strong that surely their love could overcome anything.

Or so Slowpoke thought. They decided to meet at Slowpoke's house, because Animegurl had her Otakumobile and could drive hours and hours to go visit her beloved. They were set to meet when no one was home, because surely if Slowpoke's parents found out they would put the feared parental controls on his computer and that would be the end of their relationship. He couldn't stand the idea of losing his one true love, so it must be kept a secret affair. The hour drew nearer and nearer, Slowpoke began to grow nervous. He paced back and forth across the house, thinking to himself "What if she's too good for me?"

The doorbell rang.

Slowpoke sprang from his chair, already sweating a little bit. Palms shaking, he grasped the door handle and opened the door. A tall, older man around 45 years old stood outside. He had gotten nervous for nothing, it must just be the delivery man. He didn't have any papers for Slowpoke to sign. He smiled, a sweet, sinister smile and said, "Hello Slowpoke. I'm so glad I can meet you, alone."

Slowpoke blinked, then blinked again. He wasn't sure what was going on. He was waiting for his beloved, yet some random man was here. Furthermore, he knew young Slowpoke's username. "Can I help you?" Slowpoke finally said. "I'm kind of waiting for someone to show up." "And here I am." The man replied, spreading his arms. "What are you talking about?" Slowpoke asked, puzzled. "It's me, Slowpoke. It's Animegurl." said the man, grinning widely.

Slowpoke's confusion just continued to build. He was expecting his beloved Animegurl, a hyperactive thirteen-year-old girl, yet here was some forty-five-year old man claiming to be her. "You're not Animegurl. You look nothing like her!" exclaimed Slowpoke, taking a step back. "Ah yes, those pictures. Those were fakes. I took them off some random girl's myspace to make you think I was a teenage girl. So I could build your trust. Gain your admiration and then, your love. Everything I did was so I could meet you in person. And finally, here we are..." The man explained, stepping inside and closing the door behind him.

Slowpoke started backing up, while never taking his eyes off the man. The man singing his own song, all the while slowly walking towards Slowpoke.

"One, two, I'm cumming for you."

Slowpoke took off running.

"Three, four, go and drop your drawers."

Slowpoke ran up the stairs.

"Five, six, gonna lube up my stick."

He ran into his room and slammed the door

"Seven, eight, bend over straight."

He dived into the closet.

"Nine, ten..."

Slowpoke watched in horror as his bedroom door opened and the man walked into his room, straight towards the closet. The man opened the door and finished his song as he reached for Slowpoke:

"I'm gonna cum again..."

"Not on my watch." Called out a voice. The man looked around and cried out "WHO'S THERE?!" At the door stood a man. A clean cut man who wore a smooth suit and a calm facial expression. Slowpoke looked at him in amazement. He figured he was something the internet made up, yet here he stood, in the flesh. "WHO ARE YOU?!?" yelled out the fake Animegurl.

"I'm Chris Hansen. Why don't you have a seat over there?"


The grown men circled each other around the room, their muscles rippling through their taught bodies. Slowpoke, too terrified to do anything except gaze upon the battle that was unfolding before him. Fake Animegurl snarled, and his voiced dripped with absolute venom as he called out to Hansen.

'What are you doing here, pervert?'

Hansen faltered, unsure how to respond to this claim.

'Yeah, that's right, I know your dirty little secret you *bleep*ing pedo!' screamed Fakey 'I know you were stalking this kid long before I was, but you just didn't have the guts to follow it through' A lamp went flying across the room, striking Fakey across the head.

'LIAR!' roared Hansen, as he followed up his lamp with a flurry of stuffed toys, wrenched from Slowpoke's bed. The ensuing battle was fierce, and Slowpoke responded by doing what he does best.

Cowering. Cowering in the corner, sobbing into Daisy Duck.

The battle raged on, becoming fiercer and fiercer as the two men sought to stake their claim on Slowpoke's. It was at that moment in time, as the two combatants struck each other, that Slowpoke heard it:

'DESU DESU DESU!'

It was a false alarm. Slowpoke had recorded Animegirl one day when they were doing an audio chat and saved her cries of ecstacy as his cell phone ringtone.

His cell phone!

The phone continued. 'Desu! Desu! Desu!' After several rings the phone stopped. The men resumed their battle, a power struggle akin to that of David and Goliath, to determine the fate of the young boy. Slowpoke, however, had another plan, one that in his opinion far surpassed becoming the unwilling victim of the winner.

Both men noticed his movement toward the door, where the phone lay on the floor, immediately. It was amazing how quickly they resolved their difference when their prey was on the verge of escape.

In the flurry of events, Slowpoke wasn't quite sure what happened after he came to. He remembered someone shouting "Grab some rope!" and being tackled linebacker-style and pinned to the ground. He couldn't tell where he was when he awoke, other than it was dark and his hands and feet were still bound. Once he realized he was no longer in his house, he started struggling and screaming as loudly as he could.

After hours of struggling, Slow Poke grew tired. Minutes passed like hours as he thought about the things he'd gone through. He thought about his love, Anime Gurl, her purple hair swaying in the ocean breeze, her yellow eyes the size of grape fruit fixated upon him, her enchanting, almost non-existant lips curved most seductively, as if she's whispering his name to the Gods themselves; He wondered where she was, if he'd ever see her post again.

He remembered the very reason he fell in love with her in the first place, she defended anime to the death. But that was when he began to have doubts. Questions began to run through his mind, questions that if answered could either completely destroy him, or elate him.

"Is Anime Gurl real?"
"Is she already claimed by someone else?"
"Does she love anime more than she'll ever love me?"
"Is my search for love completely futile?"

With these doubts in mind, Slow Poke began to cry. A 12 year old boy who'd found love, and lost it almost immediately. Alone, in a cold, dark, room, bound up, lie a broken boy.

As he sobbed, voices could be heard through the walls...

AND I'LL HAVE ALL THE SHINIGAMI COME DOWN UPON YOU AND DELIVER MY FIERY REVENGE UPON YOU!!!!" shouted a young voice. "WILL YOU SHUT THE HELL UP, ALREADY?!?!" replied an angry voice. "NEVER!! I CANNOT BE SILENCED! I WILL TAKE VENGEANCE ON YOU NON-BELIEVERS!" yelled the young voice. The door to the room Slowpoke was in suddenly opened, flooding it with light. A large silhouette appeared in the doorway, threw a small figure into the room and said "Shout your mouth off to your little friend in there.", then slammed the door shut. The small figure crawled to the door, then proceeded to bang on the door as best it could with its restrained hands.

"YOU WILL REGRET THIS! I AM THE ANIME GOD! NONE SHALL DEFY ME! DATTEBAYO!" raged the small figure. The voice suddenly registered in Slowpoke's mind. It couldn't be. The man said she wasn't real. Yet here she was, raging away as if someone had just claimed Anime to be inferior to American Cartoons. "...Animegurl?" whispered Slowpoke. The figured ceased its pounding at the door. "Who said that?! Show yourself!" cried out the figure. Slowpoke's heart was pounding. "It's me. It's Slowpoke!" he exclaimed. "...I SAID SHOW YOURSELF, DAMNIT!" the figure shouted. "But I don't have a flashlight or anything." Slowpoke replied. "DON'T DEFY ME! ANIME KICK OF JUSTICE!!!" The figure leap at Slowpoke, landing a solid double kick to his chest, resulting in Slowpoke on his back with the figure sitting square on his chest. He couldn't see clearly at first due to the low light and the distance between them, but now that the figure was so close, he could see clearly who it was.

Animegurl, looking as hyperactive and crazy as usual.

Though he lay winded on the floor wih his arms still bound, Slowpoke found that he didn't care about the pain he felt upon impact with the ground. Neither had he any concern for what his captors' intentions with him were. None of that mattered anymore, for he had finally found her. She was exactly as he remembered from the forums, and he loved her for it. Her high-spirited nature lit up the very pit of his soul, from which a great weight had just been lifted. Even if this place turned out to be hell, her very presence made it a heaven for him.

"A...Anime...gurl... It's m-me, Slowpoke..." he managed to wheeze, no longer possessing the energy to attempt to squirm free of the ropes and chains that constricted him (but not his joy).

"...Slowpoke? Is that really you?" She leaned in closer to more thoroughly inspect his face, not daring to hope that the boy she cherished was right there with her...

"...KAWAII DESU, SLOWPOKE-KUN!" Gurl exclaimed as she scanned Slowpoke's face, She then jumped around making giddy motions like an 8 year old who won a life time supply of candy, Her weeaboo language ringing loud and clear in his ears giving him more evidence to register this girl as his beloved, yet, his brain is too frozen by happiness and shock to believe it...

...Right there...


...The search was finally over...

...Anime Gurl...

...Here at last...

"I'M SOOOO HAPPY TO SEE YOU DESU, YOU'RE MORE KAWAII IN PERSON! HEEHEE!" She exclaimed again, Slowpoke opened his mouth to express his joy (and slight pain to the ears, which quickly faded away into ectasy) but then a booming angry voice came from outside the walls forcing both of them to silence...

"GET OUT OF HERE KIDS!"

A man in all purple, with a ponytail and bowling shoes walked in, possibly of Mexican decent. He licked hi lips as he stood there.

"Well, are you *bleep*ing deaf or something. RUN!, I have a van outside that I'll get you out in. If I'm not there in 3 minutes, gun it"

So slowpoke at that amazing girl ran, ran out of the house. As they left, they heard gunshots, and someone yelling "NOBODY *bleep*S WITH THE JESUS!"

The two young lovers raced for the van. They saw the door slide open and a woman yell "GET IT, NOW!" They dove into the van. A man in the front wearing a blue suede suit and eyepatch looked back at Slowpoke. "Where's Mishtram?" he demanded. "He... he stayed behind to fight of the men." stuttered Slowpoke. A loud yell echoed through the van and Slowpoke suddenly heard Animegurl scream, "What's an alpaca doing here?!?" "Hush, Keiichi, it's all right, said the woman, stroking the alpaca. She looked at the man in the front passenger seat and said "We have to go and help him, ViNCeNZo." "He said leave him behind if he wasn't back in 3 minutes, Daisy, and it's already been 5." He turned to the man in the driver seat and said "Hit it, Ren of Heavens." The man in the cavalier didn't respond, merely put the car in drive and gunned it, the sounds of gunshots fading with each second.

Daisy cut the ropes constricting Slowpoke's and Animegurl's hands. "Where are you taking us?!?" demanded Animegurl. "To a place we can ban the hell out of you if you don't quit it with the attitude." replied Daisy. "You'll see when we get there." said Sonic Flash. Slowpoke resided to his fate and leaned back against the wall of the car. He went to hold Animegurl's hand, which she proceeded to hit him with. As he rubbed his shoulder where she hit him, she pushed his hand away and laid her head on his shoulder, both knowing they both have a long journey ahead.

Fin.

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