Princess Carmipoo

As it says 'biography' and not 'auto biography' one of you lot should write it. A kiss for the winner. Answers on a postcard to the usual address.

Here's the first entry and therefore the winner from up & coming film director extraordinaire The Rock Bottom. Round of applause everyone, for he's a jolly good fellow...

PRINCESS CARMIPOO'S BIO BY THE ROCK BOTTOM.

Princess Carmipoo. More than a Prince, a Princess. Carmen uh... Smith was born, at the exact turn of the year 2004/2005, in accordance with the prophecy by the 11th Century Apocalypse Prophet, Mic Orapo. This Bonnie Lass, Carmen was born in one of the most impoverished regions of the world… Scotland. Her birth-mother smoked heavy amounts of pot when she was carrying Carmen, so she grew a year with every day she was alive. However, her mother died during childbirth, gagging on her own blood & her biological father was killed months beforehand in a bizarre accident involving grass.

"She spent the first nine days of her life in a semi-detached cardboard box living with 17 complete strangers. She made enough money for food & clothing, collecting & trading foam over the Internet & wrestling vicious chickens. However this young foam-collecting, chicken-wrestling girl was of poor mental health. She would make ridiculous claims like she invented God. Sometimes she accused curtains of being ravenous murderers. On the tenth day of her life she walked home from her school, an abandoned road with two cockroaches, a toilet seat & a dead clowns’ body. Already Carmen had written a definitive history of pockets, & she hoped one day to be a shoe-lawyer. But this day would change everything. A Canadian 6-year-old rape-artist from Canada followed her home & eventually commented on the shape of her hair. It was then she decided she had enough.

Grabbing the nearest train & hitting over his head 9 times & on her own once for good luck, she fell unconscious. She awoke at the age of 11 seeing a giant red star in the eastern sky that shot down thunder upon the burning world. Then the earth split in two with a mighty crack & out of the ground came three hundred thousands ninjas dressed in robes of a thousand different colours each riding giant dragons. And every one of them swarmed around the frightened girl in a scene of such spectacle & excitement there is NO way you could see it on a little website like this. If you notice, not even the font is good. Anyway, just when all hope seemed lost a white winged unicorn descended from Hell & blinded the hideous creatures of a white light that… oh whatever!"
The unicorn landed in front of the girl & upon it there was a man. He said, “My name is Mic Orapo. As I prophesised you are the chosen one who will postpone the apocalypse. Don’t talk, listen. You are from a royal bloodline of humans with special powers that can postpone the End of Days. According to a bogus conspiracy theory, that’s pretty soon. I saw you crush that paedophilic child yesterday & I knew that you were of my blood.” The poor young girl was baffled. The prophet continued, “Go into the woods, find the Resistance. They shall lead you to your destiny. And here, take this.” He gave the girl a banana. When asked what the hell it was for, Mic replied, “When the time comes, you will know. Here touch the horn of this unicorn & I will pass my powers onto you. No, his other horn.” She removed her hand from his horn & placed it on the head of the unicorn. She looked into the eyes of the old prophet & grasped the horn.

The horn glowed & the man & unicorn vanished. As the wind blew away it whispered “Rise Princess Carmipoo.” Carmipoo. The anagram of Mic Orapo. The girl spotted this immediately. To make sure she wasn’t hallucinating she banged her head on a nearby trombone. She awoke three days later in a daze. She staggered to her feet & saw she was fat. “You are carrying my child,” said a strange voice. The girl got up & saw a handsome, yet evil-looking man wearing nothing but a hockey jersey. “You killed my son eh” said the man. “The rape-artist? One of my many sons, all of them, werecows!” Out of nowhere millions of half-men, half-bovines, half-shrews, popped out of holes in the ground. “We have crushed the human resistance & we shall crush you along with all hope. Because, you know what? I’m one of my sons too.”

He turned into one of the many creatures surrounding him & they swarmed around her. She forgot to fulfil her destiny, she didn’t meet the resistance, they didn’t storm the meat-palace of Armenia with cabbage-catapults, they didn’t use dolphin stomachs to prevent earthquakes & they didn’t use washing-up liquid to pour down the throats of the endangered condor. None of the prophesised events came to pass, because the poor moron knocked herself out. Now she was impregnated the instant she became a woman & being attacked by an unknown number of half-man, half-bovine, half-wetas & the only thing she could do… was fight back. She conquered them all with her superhuman strength, but at a price.

While her powers kept her killing the creatures until the convenient time of a few minutes before midnight, it also accelerated her pregnancy. After all, 9 months is 18 hours for her growth. She tried to resist having the baby, but couldn’t hold it back. Suddenly, the moon broke out through the clouds & she felt a new strange power flow through her. She concentrated all of her energy internally. She moved the atoms of her anatomy & by the stroke of midnight she passed out the baby. Through her anus! She pooed the baby out & the wicked baby died from the smell. The plague was wiped from the earth forever. Well, once all the corpses were cleared they would be wiped OFF the face of the earth. She built a home from the corpses & bought a computer selling the house. With the computer she became a member of Neoseeker at the age of 15. She know grew like everybody else & her upside-down face was fixed, as a result of joining. B-cuz that’s what Neoseeker is. It’s normal!

T H E E N D

Sit Boo-boo sit. Good dog.