I am Adam Carlile Cole... and I confess. I confess to paltry, insignificant, meaningless things. I confess to major, significant, and substantial things.
I confess to living. I confess that one day I will die.
I confess to the Seven Deadly Sins: Lust, Gluttony, Greed, Sloth, Wrath, Envy, and Pride. I confess to worship, and repentance. I confess to have seen my Lord, and savior. I confess to trafficking with the Devil.
I confess to racism, sexism, absurdism, fatalism, and privatism. I then confess to the polar opposites of these if there be any. I confess to talking behind your *bleep*ing back. I confess to have stabbed it once, or twice. I confess to holding secrets, and I confess to holding none. I confess to being the perfect human being.
Then I stop, and confess again that even I am flawed and am nothing more than human trash as everyone. I confess to giving up. I confess to persistence. I confess to everything in between. I confess to throwing you in harms way. I confess to throwing myself in harms way. I confess to holding back the feelings that burn inside you.
I confess to watching as hell is unleashed. I confess to *bleep*ing up. Repeatedly. I confess that I don't care. I confess that I think you should shut up more. I confess that I'm arrogant. I confess that I'm ignorant. I confess that life is death, and that death is indeed life. I confess that average is sometimes the highest bar you, and I can only achieve.
I confess to laughter. I confess to joy, and happiness. I confess to smiling at you. I confess that I've never ever kissed a girl. I confess to cuddling. I confess to acting gay with my friends. I confess that I'm hurt when you tell me to *bleep* off that the only reason I do that is because I don't want to be left out. I confess to happiness. I confess to my depression, and sorrow that strikes me down every time...
I confess to jumping off a building, and dying. I confess to being thrown to the sharks. I confess to abandonment. I confess to loneliness. I confess that sometimes... all I have is shadows. I confess to crying. I confess to fear. I confess for hating every word I type. I confess that it was infact I who made the noose under my bed. I confess that sometimes I feel I have no friends. I confess that sometimes... the words just don't come. I confess to hating myself. I confess that people are alien to me.
However I do confess that suicide is not an option, and never will be.
For I confess to being Me, Myself, and I. Thank you for your time in reading this... I appreciate it.
Another moment in my life, and another chapter in my life must be written. A lot of stuff has rushed in, and out of my life at this point. I actually did something I'm pretty ashamed about, running away. Yes, I ran away but I eventually was so miserable just being by myself I called and had someone pick me up. It's just crazy what you can do when all of the forces that surround you in a specific moment in time judge you, and in some cases ostracize you. That was a week ago though, and I feel a lot more mentally stable now.
After my madness I packed up, and went to my JCLC camp in Dublin. It was really fun, and I was able to actually open up. I think I conquered my fear of heights while I was there too! And not only did I think I did well, but so did the Drill Sergent! She gave me a Challenge Coin along with 5 other people from my school during the awards ceremony. That's a pick-me-up.
Now I'm currently going through CST testing, and that is very easy. I still have some homework I need to catch up on though, but whatever I have bigger things to worry about.
Speaking of bigger things... I wish I had the balls to ask this girl out to prom. I know she's not going with anyone besides maybe friends if she's even going at all. I don't know why I can't bring myself to ask her though.. maybe it's because I can't really find a moment alone with her. Sigh I really wish I could, and if I did I know She would enjoy it, and say yes. :/
So I'm officially living with my Dad now after a summer of uncertainty.
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I've been in school for about a week so far, and I've made a couple friends which is a great step forward for me. My school, Encinal, have a lot of new students in my grade too which helps my case. I've made around 3-5 good friends at the time of writing, and I'm hoping I can hold onto them as the school year goes along.
School life has been a little bit different for me then past years where I lived in Utah. The main thing I've noticed is a lot of students have done some variety of drugs, which is disappointing. The mix of different ethnicity's is exciting though. My old school was mostly white with a blend of Hispanics, but Encinal has Asians and Blacks. Which is nice to see consider I had about 5 of those in my old school, and one was going back to China at the end of the year. |D
My Home/Family life is getting better. Since my Mom found out I wanted to move out here she was under the impression that 'I hate her'. Which was not the case, and I told her that repeatedly over the summer, and told her in person last month when I visited Utah. At my 'new' home I have had spouts with my Dad's girlfriend, but other then that it's pretty awesome.
My gaming life has gone down hill because I don't have any games on me! I left a PS2 and a Xbox360 in Utah for my brother to play with because I thought they weren't going to get much use. Instead I'm sitting here with a Nintendo DS and my laptop thinking of them. I'm not becoming interested in PC gaming which isn't a bad thing because of this game drought I'm going through atm.
God *bleep*ing *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* my life. I hate every aspect of it. I am disrespected not through words, but through actions by my fellow classmates.
I'd say out of my high school roughly 10 people will talk to me. Now I'm sure you're saying whats the problem? 10 people is a decent amount. Well it's everyone else. I'm excluded rarely they talk at me, and at most they give me a stare or a glare. I've taken this for so many years that it's unbelievable. What's more is that next year I'll only have 9 people to talk too as my best friend is moving, and that means I'll have lost 2 best friends in two years.
Living is hard sometimes for me when people obviously don't give a damn about you, and It's very obvious most of this school doesn't give a damn. I can also for the love of God figure out why I was the one they have decided to mentally bully. I'm polite, and I don't go bugging them like an insect like a few people do.
I'm a lively person too if you actually knew me. However I can't be very lively when I spend 2 hours in a closet pounding the walls hoping for them too shatter, and guess what I did today. Yes exactly that!
The person I snapped on was unfortunately one of the people that matters to me most in this horrible life. My mother... I had been fine the entirety of that day until Her and I decided to do a little shopping. One of the stores we entered reminded me of a *bleep*ing crazy house, and as I stared at those white walls I got around to thinking about my life. As you can probably tell that didn't work out too well, and I basically didn't say a word for half an hour as I stared probably vacantly into whatever I was looking at. My brother, bless him, was being incredibly slow getting out of my way, and I asked him in the best way possible a depressed and angered child could. My Mom took offense to that, and looking back on it I probably would have taken offense to that too, and she rambled off about how I was pissed off cause she took me places, bought me food, etc etc. I then proceeded to, unfortunately, flip her off, pound the wall, and lock myself inside my room and spent the next hour and a half in a closet.
I'll do something to make it up to her to her one day, but I must wonder... why do people seem to hate me? Even my own brother hates my existence, and I have done nothing but stand up for him and appreciate him for who he is.
*bleep* my life... *bleep* myself... oh how that noose is looking like a better option every *bleep*ing year...
ps: I'm not thinking of suicide or do I have suicidal thoughts, and yes I have been to a psychiatrist, but they didn't help me.
So I recently just got my license!! Happy times you would think, but as you can tell from the post the pic came out a bit weird. My friends will have you know that I don't do drugs or any of that shit, but the picture I took imply's that I got stoned/high just before I came in!
So I'm liking my pic because it has dots on it, and it looks like I have a beard right. So my Mother then decides she wants to see it as my face on my license is apparently a big thing, and she said.
"Adam you look high as a Kite! If you get pulled over, and the cop sees this..."
So I decided to be the immature boy I am, and I flashed my license around. APPARENTLY the general consensus with my friends is that I'm a stoner, and now they're all dissapointed that I haven't been sharing. >>
That was probably a joke, but yeah with my ruffled hair, goofy smile, and my eyes I am apparently into drugs and shit. That's all for now I guess so I'll just leave a message for myself now...
Why do people always think I'm high, and crap? :'<
Since middle school people have always said I'm high, or stoned, but It's kinda hard to be high/stoned at school when I've never been that.
I think it's due to me having long hair, and spacing out a lot. However I don't see why they would confuse me with even getting stoned as I don't even hang around the stoner's. Another question why would you even get stoned/high by yourself? Isin't it supposed to help you feel more outgoing, or some shit?
Ah well I think I'll be stuck with that until I'm out of High School, but still it's kinda frustrating to be confused with something you're not. Then again most people go through that, and apparently I'm not an exception.
Whatever I was able to abuse the blog function again so at least I get a minor plus...
Why do our minds trick us? Make us see things that are not? Let us here things that could not be? Why does it let us think? Why does it let us live? It's all so confusing, and puzzling isn't it? Enough questions though. I believe that the brain sees farther then any eye can. With this "sight" it allows us to insight, and understand things we cannot touch or see or even smell. And then the dimensions come into play, and that just might mean that the brain is the gap between our dimension, and other dimensions. So maybe when you see or hear something that cannot be maybe that is a correlation between our dimension, and another dimension. Well that's something for you to think about ain't it.