As much as i make believe, you're not really here with me.

Day one, August 1st, 2010.
    Well, here i am trying out this blog D: I PM'ed quite a few people, so let's see how this thing actually turns out. Inspired by a recent movie i watched, and my long love for writing... Despite how much i really do fail at it. Eh, let's give this a try. I won't be updating this DAILY, but i'll try as much as i can. Enjoy... or don't.

    You know that feeling when you know some thing's gone? When you can't get close enough to reach it, but you know it's just beyond that corner? Yeah, i'm feeling that right now. Confusion has clouded my thoughts as of late, and i really don't know what i should do... I need a break, and well, this is it.

    I've recently just finished eighth grade, and yeah, "here i am with all my problems". Eh, the irony. Anyways, most of the people i've cared about for a large portion of my life are leaving, and they honestly don't give a shit that they are. I feel like i'm the only one who does care. If only i was able to rid of feelings all together. Maybe then i'll be able to live a life more full then this one, because emptiness and sorrow often defeat happiness and joy. Fact. Have you ever felt like you're the ONLY one who cares? The only one who ever pushes yourself to do something that needs to be done?

    *sigh* short entry tonight, because, well, i'm just starting to try this out.

    The past is where it begins. The future is where it ends.
    It's what makes life, life, i suppose.

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What was i thinking? From the beginning? You didn't care at all.

Day two, August 2nd 2010
    ... As much as i make believe, you're not really here with me. What was i thinking? From the beginning? You didn't care at all.

    To much to think about, nothing to do. The feeling that has been lurking around my small "area" in my room. Cooped up in a hot, smelly room with strangers. Near a house full of "family".

    I am a fish, caught in a net of strangers. People i don't know.

    Well, i just finished cleaning my room which was cluttered completely with my twin's shit, and not mine. Yet, like always, i found myself cleaning up every bit of it. Leaving him to vacuum the small amount of dirt that i didn't already do. *sigh* I knew this would happen. Let me explain.

    Have you ever felt like some thing's "missing"? Something that you KNOW should be there, but isn't? That feeling of emptiness, like some thing's incomplete? I think, no, i KNOW, i'm feeling that right now. After leaving that peaceful, lovely place i call my grandparent's home, i feel like a loner at my real "home". My real "home sweet home". I can pretend, can't i? I can pretend like i love this empty, chaotic place. I can pretend, at least. I warn you, readers, keep on to your imagination. It's what keeps you sane at the worst of times.

    After an OK night with talking to some friends on here, i fell asleep. Slept maybe a bit too long, but was relieved to see that my parents, or let me say dad and step mom, were gone. My first mistake was calling my dad. He sets me straight to work, so that wasn't the greatest of news right after my long return without seeing him or anyone else in this "home". Let me return to the "strangers" in this house. I have a dad, a brother, two step brothers, and a step mom currently in this house. My oldest brother recently left my house to live with my mom who lost custody over me for reasons i'd rather not announce. He left. He didn't move out. He buried himself far too much into this house, and got into deep shit with the police, my dad, and his sanity. He obviously didn't keep his imagination very intact, it would seem. O: I wasn't allowed to come home for the weekend, because my twin was at a tournament. This was fine, and my weekend was better then it would have been here, at my "home", but what pisses me off is that my step brothers were here. They were fine. They're just perfect. The fact that they don't do anything to help out, or that one of them costs 1,000 dollars a month just to go to school doesn't affect how much my dad and step mom love them. Oh, how the favor them. The house looked like a real house when i returned, obviously set up for the weekend without me and my twin, the horrible monsters. The artifacts that please me will soon be concealed, however, and if i dare touch them i'll be in deep shit. I'm to "low" to do anything like that.

    Enough with my family problems, let's talk about friends, shall we? Last night i tried to talk to a girl who i've known pretty damn well since sixth grade. Two, actually. I IM'ed one on myspace (because my phone's broken D:) and she payed almost NO attention at all to it. After telling her i missed her, she really didn't give a shit, and made up some excuse to not see me this summer. The other girl said hi and signed off. Trust me when i say we were REALLY good friends all three years of middle school. In fact, i'd say i almost "loved" one of them. My honest reply to this event was "What the *BLEEP*". And thus, my quotes on the top of my blogs come into play.

    "As much as i make believe, you're not really here with me. What was i thinking? From the beginning? You didn't care at all."


    My lesson for you all to to forget. It's probably the best element a human being can posses. I don't, and look what i feel D: Forget, folks, and you'll be way better off. Remove your feelings, for they only place barriers around you and your goals.
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Giving up's not easy

Day three, August 3rd, 2010
    Let me start off by saying i deeply regret what i said in the last line of my last entry, yesterday. Feelings, emotions, and expressions are what make life bearable. If we weren't given this amazing ability to feel, i wouldn't dare call myself a human being. We're full BECAUSE of these feelings. Don't let them go. Let only the sad ones go, i suppose. Truthfully, not even those are left behind in my mind. I keep on to them, embrace them, re - experience them. Then, when i good event happens, i can better experience it.

    I've begun to realize that they're gone, never coming back. Forget about it, my friends. Only then can you begin to become a better person. Make those backstabbing douches jealous of the "new" you. The better you. The more complete you. But never change who you are. If that made sense?

    Anyways, let's begin with the "lesson" and "problem" of the day. Haha. Today was another really, really boring day. Without a phone nor bike currently getting out is quite hard. I took today into "some" good use, though. I made this bad situation into a some - what good one, at the very least. These people that i'm leaving behind, the past i'm leaving; i shall be more then that. I won't allow it to bury me into the pits of life, but instead i came to the conclusion of growing from it. Today i start the search for a life - long career. At the age of 14, it may be difficult, but it's good to start young. I've noticed that i really enjoy writing and emotions. I enjoy reading people. I often guess what people are thinking, wondering what their next action will be. Just yesterday i tricked my dad into ordering a phone for me, and actually paying the fee on it. Gotta love reverse psychology.

    For a boring day, there's not all that much to talk about, naturally. I'm hoping to do something tomorrow! As for my question, what do you guys want to be when you grow up? What do you enjoy doing?
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Before my "quote" on this blog, i'm going to start by saying thanks to everyone reading this. If anyone is :P Regardless, i'm happy to have some actual comments and responses, it warms my heart to know that! For whatever reason, it's not letting me reply to the blog, so PM me if you want an answer ;D

As much as a make believe, something in side of me, has got me hopin', got me thinking; who am i to assume?

Day four, August 4th, 2010
    Today was, without a doubt, a wonderful day. It not only made me feel like i was finally "in the loop" again, but simply gave me a feeling that i cannot explaing. It wasn't anything special, but it was that very element that made it SO special.

    Today i simply hung out with some friends, and to my surprise, OTHERS feel the same way i do. About high school, i mean. It's amazing what the works of telling the truth can do to you, it really is.

    Stay close to your friends, very close. Or drift slowly away to make your arrival all the more valuable. Without friends, life would be a meaningless game of robots, being ordered around to do meaningless chores. They en light the paths that weren't previously lit, and direct you in some way.

    That very sentence has two meanings, however. Your friends define you. Your friends make you into who you are, so choose them with the utmost of care. Without quality friends, life wouldn't be complete either. Bad friends are honestly just as horrid as none at all. If not, worse.

    Apologies for the small, meaningless blog, but happiness isn't one of my fine points.

    What are your friends like? Are your friends "good", or do you have friends that place a negative impact on your life?
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A hypocritical sin

Day five, August 5th, 2010.
    As i'm not sure if "Hyprocritical" is a word, i found it pleasing to the sound. So, don't judge if it isn't a word ;D It turns out that it is a word!

    I'll begin with saying that i'm dumbfounded to see how i almost forgot to post this in the midst of such a boring day. Meaningless? No. Boring, yes. The day was a let down, as my friends never really responded to a request to hangout. I "suppose" they were doing there own business, but it's sad to know that they had nothing better to do, yet they decline a friendly offer.

    Today i noticed some hypocrites, so i decided to write about that. Just a few weeks ago a friend of mine, since the age of two, did something extremely "gay". I honestly don't care what he did, but my twin and other friends dislike him, and have been hating on him for a very long time now.

    Basically, he made fun of people who write "gay" poems and such for girls. That they are "douches". I'm, if you haven't noticed, considered the "sensitive gay one" by alot of my friends. It fun and games, but yeah, it can get pretty hurtful. Anyway, he continued to mock me for weeks with accusations of "liking" the girl my twin did, and that i was on some mission of separating the two of them. Yeah, that wasn't true. It turns out that he was deeply "in love" with her for the whole time. Yeah, I could only really respond "... WTF". He then wrote a poem to her and has continued to call her and ask her out and whatnot. She, of course O:, doesn't find him attractive at all, and sees him as her "gay best friend". Ironically, this is EXACTLY the kind of person he made fun of just weeks before. AND EXACTLY what he accused me of being.

    I know, it's not that big of a deal. It's a simple poem, and i don't care. I find it a bit funny that he can be so hypocritical, but that'just me. I don't "hate" him or anything like the others do.

    Which brings me to another point. As i was eating dinner my step - mom made some nasty remark about how the food was "probably waaay to fattening". She's always like that. She's such a nutrition freak, yet she's fatter then me and three of my friends put together. I just don't understand this.

    I can admit that I can be quite the hypocrite, and I'm not trying to make fun of them or anything because they're being one. I just find it funny how someone can be so Pro - this, to only be the opposite. *sigh*

    Have you ever noticed anyone like this? Are you like this?
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Let's pretend.

Day six August 13th, 2010.
    So, i can't post a comment on the blog, so i'll just make a small entry to explain all this. I've just returned from my vacation yesterday, and, well, i've been busy. I'll be starting this up come this week, and i've been storing topics from my vacation and whatnot, so don't think i've given up. Not yet, anyway ;D

    For now, let's pretend. Let's all play a big game of pretend, and pretend like everything's fine. Everything is fine.


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Justin

  • CA, North America US
  • Joined Aug 17, 2009
  • Male
  • 18 years young
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  • Student
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