This is my kickass story:

Once upon a time Jack was jacking off, he didn't realize that he probabally shouldn't be jacking off in public because jack was raised by monkeies. Jack didn't like people, he only liked monkies, Jack was after all, a monkey. Jack was an escaped monkey from a lab where they were going to clone him, or, well actually they did clone him, infact they did atleast a few hundred times, since I don't know everything, (Did you think I was God or something?)I don't know why they cloned him so many times, but thye did. Well anyway, Jack was the orginal monkey, the scientists named him Jack because they couldn't pronounce his real name. I also don't know how to type his real name, but his real name isn't Jack, it's something else. It freaks a lot of people out when they see Jack jacking off, how often do you see monkeys just in a restaurant jacking off. Well anyway, Jack was a rather smart monkey, inface an extreemally smart monkey, he spoke 3 different human languages and 8 different monkey languages fluently. Unfortunatly, he didn't know English, so he couldn't communicate very well with any of the people where he was. (Jack escaped in China, but he took a plane over to LAX) Jack also liked human food, such as bannanas. He never understood why monkies were eating bannanas.

The police came and arrested Jack and put him in jail for jay-walking, he knew who cops were, he also knew it was illegal to jack off in public but he thought it wouldn't matter since jay-walking is too and no one ever get's in trouble for that. When he was in jail he met the guy with no name. The guy with no name told Jack he didn't have a name, meaning he couldn't get identification, and that, that is why they threw him in jail, because he killed people and didn't have any identification. But luckly since he was in California he could get away with anything mostly, except for jay-walking, and he was only serving a 90 minute sentence. The guy with no name also told Jack that Jack would have to be in there for 3 months because Jay-Walking was illegal and he should only walk at the crosswalks from now on. Since Jack didn't want to be in Jail for 3 months he killed him self.

88 minutes later the guy with no name was relesed, when he met up with one of Jack's clones. The guy with no name decided to name Jack's clone Jack. They were both homeless so they though that together they could start street performing. Since they always saw the most money being exchanged at night they thought at night would be best for street performing, well they tried but all they got was a used condom, a bloody knife, and a case full of money. Jack and the guy with no name were dissappointed but they thought they'd make the best of the situation and they cleaned the knife with the money and put the used condom around the handle, they then went to the pawn shop, the pawn shop owner gave them 25 cents for the knife. Jack and the guy with no name decided it'd be best to split a gumball, so they went and found a gumball machine in a hallway in a Chinese restaurant. They tried to buy the gumball but the machine just ate their quarter so they decided to just go into the kitchen and eat what they had. And they ate to their heart's content.

An hour later they heard gunshots, and then they turned around and saw a dead hooker on the ground. Jack and the guy with no name wanted to have sex with the dead body but they were starving so they decided to eat the dead body instead. The cops had come because someone called them and told them they saw a dead body, when the cops got there they saw that Jack and the guy with no name had already eaten the body. That and the fact that they had eaten all the food in the Chinese restaurant, the cop knew because they both told him that they ate all the food in the Chinese restaurant hoping they might get off with just a fine. But because they had also eaten the dead hooker the cop had to give them A WARNING. Jack and the guy with no name then knew if they messed up again they would get ANOTHER WARNING, which was a scary thought for Jack and the guy with no name.

Later Jack and the guy with no name met a drug dealer, they ate the drug dealer. The guy with no name said he felt like a cannibal but Jack didn't because he was a monkey. They smoked all the pot there was laying around and eventually passed out.

It was morning and now Jack and the guy with no name needed money, so they got a job.

The guy with no name and Jack now have a job, they work Hannibal Ector, their job it to take a small taste of the people and tell Hannibal how they taste, but the kept eating all the people so Hannibal decided to eat the guy with no name. Hannibal didn't eat Jack because jack was a clone of a monkey. Jack threatened to call the cops on Hannibal, so Hannibal bribed Jack with a gumball machine in the hallway to a Chinese restaurant. Jack accecpted and went to go to the Chinese restaurant.

On the way to the restaurant Jack met the first Jack's ghost. the first Jack's ghost told Jack to go find something he could put his soul in. Since Jack's clone Jack was stupid Jack's clone Jack got Jack a Jack-in-the-box to go in. So Jack's clone and the first Jack's ghost in the Jack-in-the-box decided it would be even more confusing it they just both had the name of Jack. So Jack and Jack went and ate at this restaurant called Jack-in-the-box.

Jack opened the door for Jack at the Jack-in-the-box, and when Jack didn't say anything Jack ate Jack's bannana, Jack was mad because he didn't want the bannana because he was at Jack-in-the-box. Jack was confised by Jack's anger because Jack was at Jack-in-the-box where he could eat and jack off all he wanted but Jack was still mad. The person at the counter was confused because all he saw was a Monkey fighting with a toy, but the toy was fighting back. Since affirmative action made the restaurant hire retarted people the clerk decided to go play with the Jack-in-the-box Jack, but then Jack went to go play with the Jack-in-the-box Jack statue. Then Jack walked in, though his name wasn't Jack, he had to have a different name because Osama Bin Laden got the cops called on him a lot so he just went by Jack. Jack ordered Jack's special, but they were out so Jack ate everyone in the restaurant.

Now if you were confused, we only have 1 Jack left, and this Jack's real name is Osama Bin Laden, the famous one you see on FBI's most wanted lists. Well anyway, Jack was praising Allah when the ghost of one of Jack's clones Jack hit Jack, Jack hit Jack back, then Jack proceded to jack off and Jack kept praising Allah.

Allah came down in the form of a spirit in Jack, Jack then killed the ghost of Jack's clone Jack. Then there was an evil laugh and Allah's spirit went away, Jack was angry so Jack decided to go blow up Jack-in-the-box.

Now that Jack-in-the-box is gone.

Jack decided he wanted to kill Allah now, there was no sence to his decision but he went ahead to try it anyway. So he was went around asking how he could kill Allah and he wasn't getting any very positive responses. One guy said he should try killing Jesus instead, another suggested that he should kill Muslims, and another said he should go get some Jack-in-the-box. He decided that killing Jesus was the most rational decision so he decided to go for that.

Jack decided he wanted to kill Jesus now, there was no sence to his decision but he went ahead to try it anyway. So he was went around asking how he could kill Jesus and he wasn't getting any very positive responses. One guy said he should try killing Allah instead, another suggested that he should kill Christians, and another said he should go get some Jack-outside-the-box. He decided that this paragraph was too similar to the last one and that he should try getting some Jack-outside-the-box.

Jack went to look for a Jack outside the box, he was luckly already inside one, so he went to go ordrer something but Jack didn't have any money, so he decided he should go for killing all Christians, yes that was Jack's plan, to kill all Christians.

Jack went over to a Protistant convention, he thought he could convince them to kill the Cathloics, and with a little work he got the Protistants to wage a war on the Cathloics, the Protistants got their asses killed and now those 3 Protistants are dead, the other's thought Jack was a dumbass.

Jack was happy with his acomplishments and decided that he didn't need to kill Allah, he just needed to get some money to get some Jack-outside-the-box. So Jack opened his wallet, got some money, and bought a Cheeseburger and fries with a Cola.

Now Jack is full, and we lost 3 Protistants.

Jack got boared of the name Jack so he decided to change it to jAck. With the odd capitalization jAck was able to utterly confuse everyone on earth. JAck would have usaually just gotten some Jack-in-the-box with Jack but since Jack was dead jAck was boared again. JAck didn't know why he would have tried to find Jack because jAck is Osama Bin Laden (good job if you were able to keep up) so jAck decided to crash planes into the twin towers. Now jAck knew this was too hard to do in real life because of all the Airport sucurity so jAck decided to instead do it in a video game. JAck was now boared again and decided to kill himself.

Now everyone was dead, since everyone was dead this story will now change completly.

Once upon a time there was a monkey named Jack... errr... Jackie. Yes Jackie the monkey. Jackie the monkey did everything Jack the monkey did and now Jackie the monkey is dead.

God damn it, I screwed up again. Okay let me try this. Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My story is so much better then yours is... Jack...