I know that it's been awhile. That I kinda turned into static. But it's impossible to be everywhere for everyone and yet be no where for yourself.
I know that doesn't make any sense. But sometimes I just need that solitude of self.

My boyfriend doesn't understand this. If he even is my boyfriend still at this point.

I don't know if I love him anymore. I'm not sure what I feel when it comes to this relationship. All I know is. I have his voice in my head. Not my voice. My voice is the one writing this. Or is that my thought.

Confusing? Confused. Yea. But I am not blind enough not to see the huge gap between what I want and what I have as my reality.

What I'd like to have is so far away from me. And what I have is such a disappointment.

But..I am not unhappy. Completely. I just..want some space I guess to clear my head of this voice that loves me so much.

If someone sang to you a song that made you sad..instead of happy. I'd just like to know what song really makes him think of me if any. If ever.

I just want to know I'm important enough. Or if his voice in my head is just there to torment me.

I don't know what to do... i have been. So lost for to long and wanting to matter to be more then static now just seems so unrealistic.

sigh..

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How can I hate this feeling?
I ask myself, why it feels so strange to me.
This feeling of love.
Is it because, I've spent all my time loving.
And being hurt that I only felt the hurt.
Or is it now.
That I finally realize that I feel love.
Or is this bewitching me?
Is this a trick to drop my guard.

To love.. I know it is to hurt.
I am aware of all that I have sacrificed.
All the tears I've cried for the sake of love.
To the point of dehydration I have cried.
My tears no longer taste of salt.

So now this feeling.
My love.
I only wonder what will you bludgeon me with this time.
As I am already wounded.
Already weeping.
I wish not to hurt on this day.
This day but another Friday.

My heart has no more room for your arrows.
It is full already with cupids quiver.
This feeling is enough to rip me apart.

To love.. I know it is to hurt.
And for you my love I would gladly hurt.
But I will not gladly love.
Because to love you.
Truly hurts.

musingsthoughts

Yes it is almost 9 am. I haven't found myself tired yet. I'm sure as the day drags on I'll become a zombie. And want to eat someone's brains. Or something.

But I don't see the point of laying in bed thinking about trying to sleep.
When I really want to do is think about things that rather upset me.

But one thing did come to mind while I was in the pitch black of my bed room.
The reality of how many times I ask why. And if it is a bad thing?


As a poet I guess it's common to ponder. To wonder. But that also makes you very sad and complex. Fills you with questions you slowly doubt you can answer.

Even if you lived for a million years. Or repeated the same day over and over again.

I doubt you'd find your profound answer. Least not the one your wanting.
Not what your heart wanted to hear.

But right now all my heart wants to know is why things are so hard.

Does that have to be such a hard answer. Are we so different from night and day.

As I watch the daylight of morning eat the darkness of night. I wonder if I am sometimes becoming consumed by the light that is in front of me.

After being the night for so long.

I can't help but wonder.



musingsthoughts

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My life is full of train wrecks. Mostly because I like to get pissed off and cause them. Relationships and me don't go together. And lately nothing in my life and me are going together.

So as I am walking away from this soon to be epic explosion of turmoil I wonder what in the hell inspired me to wreck this train in the first place.

I don't know. All I can say is I'm sick in the head. And I'm not getting much worse..

I am sure there are times when my boyfriends wonder if I like to shove tnt up their ass for fun and watch them explode. Well maybe.

Something about pissing them off so much they feel bad about being pissed off..

But it's kinda exhausting for me. I'm sorta sick of being a girlfriend. I just kinda wanna be a friend with benefits.

But then..me and sex.. are the closest of friends.

other musingsthoughts
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  • Joined Nov 19, 2001
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