BiographyA lot of people have asked me, "What's with you and ninjas?"
Well, to reply to that, I have to ask the people of the world this. Why don't you all like ninjas? Ninjas are great, they're ninjatastic. You can't really describe it in any other way. I mean, how can you describe someone who can't be seen? You can't. Or you can try, but then you'll find yourself bleeding more than leaking bloodbank.
Their coolness factor is also just impossible to ignore. I mean, what is not to like about the hidden?
A wise man once said, "You cannot hid-"
Yeah, I don't know the rest of it, because then a ninja killed him. But, if he could finish his sentence, and not die, he'd probably say something like you cannot hide from the hidden, because they'll find you and kill you; which is probably what happened to him.
They also have gadgets galore. I mean, a shuriken. Who else carries a shuriken? Nobody, that's who. And if they do have a shuriken, it's probably embedded in their forhead. And kunai, who has them, besides ninjas? Nobody, yep, the same answer. Or, what about smoke bombs? No one has those, besides ninjas. Well, my friend Paul seems to create smoke bombs when he takes a crap. There's smoke, and stench everywhere. It's like a gas chamber if you use the facilities after him.
It's to the point where I once passed out, and hit my head on the toilet. And that doesn't feel too good. I mean, you could be a masochist, and take some sort of sick pleasure in pain, but then, yeah, I'd preety much have to kill you. With a stick.
You also have to understand ninjas' amazing sense of fashion. I mean, black is this year's black. It's fashionable, and functional. I mean, you look great, and you can kill without being seen! What could be better than that? No polo shirt, I can tell you. I knew this ninja, his name was Rob. Well, he had his ninja garb on, the whole black ensamble, you know. And he jumped down from the ceiling and prepared to stab this guy.
The guy was like, "Nice clothes man."
And Rob was like, "Thanks." And then he killed him.
It's approved by 9 out of 10 fashion advisors. And the tenth one is promptly killed. So, it's 9 out of 9 fashion advisors approve.
You're not convinced yet? Do I need to tell you about their skills? I'm going to for all of you non-believers. I knew this ninja, he was just amazing. He killed, everyone in Atlantis, then sunk the city itself. Brilliant! He was doing flips and and throwing shurikens everywhere, it was just crazy. People were dying left and right, it was just hilarious. There was blood, and gore, and metal. It was just a good time.
So, after killing all the people, he came to the mayor of Atlantis. And the mayor asked, "What do you want?"
And he replied, "I'm a ninja, we don't want, we take." What he was taking, the mayor never found out, because the next moment he found a katana in his eye. I frankly don't know what he was taking either, but it was really freaking cool in the way he took it.
I once saw this ninja, take on an entire platoon of ambidextrous cyclopes, weilding poisoned cars, with only a piece of string, a severed hand, and the complete works of Homer. It was amazing. He killed, he literally killed, all of those one-eyed freaks. Then, he got a little carried away, seeing as this was his first ninja outing, and he continued to kill himself. Yeah, amateur ninjas sometimes kill themselves as they get high off the adrenaline rush.
Convinced that ninjas are great? No? Well, I'll just get a ninja to kill you, and then I won't have to worry about convincing you. Yeah, I'll get right on that.
Well, it seems that I actually haven't talked about myself. So I guess I'm going to talk about myself. Well, one time, I defeated a pirate. I'll tell you the story.
You see, I was just riding in my safety seat, in the back of my mom's car, at the age of two. When, all of a sudden, a grappling hook is thrown through the front passenger seat window. So, we're going down the highway at 80 mph, and we have this grappling hook attatching our vehicle to what Gods only know.
The passenger door is ripped from the car, and is seen skidding down the highway. I look out, and I see a grisly pirate, complete with eyepatch, staring at me, brandishing a cutlass. I bare my teeth, and he glares back at me. My mom is freaking out up front, and I realize it's up to me to thwart the menace.
The pirate boards our SUV, and takes a swipe at me. Using my forearms, I deflect the blade and it cuts my restraints. The pirate is visibly shaken, and attempts another swipe. I flip to the side and his strike hits nothing but safety seat material. Whatever that is. But, I digress.
He takes another swing, I duck under it, and deliver a jarring uppercut to his chin. A couple of teeth are knocked loose. Six of seven. When he recovers, his toothless grin tells me that it didn't affect him too much.
I ground my teeth and assume a boxing stance. Another swipe; another flip. The flip ends with a powerful heel slice to his head. His head is cleaved in half. My other foot comes around in a brutal roundhouse kick. The impact sends him flying out and onto the highway.
The reprucussions from the kick are imense. A hole is ripped in this dimension, and the minions of Hell are released. I must combat them, for no one else will. I rend a hole in the seat of the car, also in this realm, and from the ensuing abyss, I pull the Blades of Dischord. With one sweep of these weapons, the demons implode, and vanish in a haze of magma and malaria.
Using my awesome strength, I close the void that they had crawled though. One last demon attempted to transverse through the rip, but I headbutted him, and his skull splintered into a thousand different pieces. I proceed to close the void.
My mother is on the verge of dying in the driver's seat. She's wide-eyed, and shaking. I kick back, and materialize myself some gin and tonic. And sip quietly, watching the pirate's body skid on the tar.
Holy shit. I've been gone for what? Maybe a year now, maybe more? I come back, read my bio, and I'm confused.
Was I some sort of hyped up druggie back in the day? The answer doesn't seem to want to make itself evident in my befuddled head. Maybe it's because I was a drug addict and I can't remember what actually happened through the drug-induced haze that use to cloud my mind.
Maybe I wasn't on drugs, maybe that's how I actually acted way back when. And to tell the truth; I like it. I liked the sort of tomfoolery that I just read. I giggled.
Like a school girl.
And that's awesome.
Oh God. Nope. Not a fan of this at all. This shit is making grey matter ooze form my ears. It's just... ugh.
Robotic Pirate Ninjas
That creepy girl that stares at me
To become one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocolypse
Be the first man to slay a noob, penalty free.
I need this is a testament to what teenagers are like. Everyone's been there. I will have to keep my ire in check.
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I have read many "Pro"-reviews, and I'm here to set the record straight. Many of them say that this game is unimaginative, and hasn't even scratched the surface of its potential. Well, you can plug up your ears with cotton and read this. One guy...
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