Hello. Welcome to my neohome. In this home of neo that is mine, you will find the history of various foods whose true pasts have been forgotten with the passing of time. Due to much work and toil, I have become the Almighty Cookie God and have learned all of this information from the OmniGod. Look on and be amazed! Expect a new food to be up every week. I cannot part with this information all at once. That would go against my code. I also accept requests via PM, email, or you can just pray at my Almighty Cookie Altar.

[The Turkey]

It is commonly believed that the pilgrims had the first recorded turkey. The turkey would go on to become a symbol of the holiday known as Thanksgiving a holiday in which we give thanks for our ancestors not attempting to kill our Native American ancestors...immediately.
Anyway. That is all untrue. Forget that.
It all started waaaaaaaay back in the first Ice Age. It was a time when mankind was no smarter than my brother. In the state that would become known as Indiana later on, a man walked about the area that would later be known as Turkey Run State Park. This man's name was Turk Eegobler. Well, as he prowled the future state park, lightning struck a tree, setting it on fire. Not being very intelligent, Turk touched said fire and got his dumb ass burned. He screamed and yelped, unaware that this was the mating call of the local birds that nested in the area. He was soon surrounded by thousands of what we know today as turkeys. Except these turkeys were much larger and thick boned. They also had two heads and were called Gobblers because of the noise they made (gobble). Well, suffice to say that Turk needed a new loincloth after this.

The gobblers took Turk to their village, revealing that gobblers, or turkeys, are indeed smarter than the average man. They had flying cars and computers more advanced even than today's. The gobblers began to experiment on Turk, hooking up to some technological stuff. And thus, using genetic-altering technology, they made Turk intelligent. Turk, now realizing that he could eat the gobblers, grabbed the nearest laser gun and fired away. The gobblers, being fairly peaceful, were screwed. They ran and ran and ran. Hence why the area is now known as Turkey Run.

Because of this, turkey's escaped the ice age and survived. Meanwhile, Turk got frozen in ice along with the gobbler capital. This effectively destroyed technology, setting Mankind back a few thousand years.

But the OmniGod did not want Turk's deeds to go forgotten. So he came unto a Native American in the form of a floating cookie when he had just killed a gobbler and said to the soiled Native American, "THIS IS TO BE CALLED A TURKEY! GOT IT!? NOW GO! AND EAT THIS EVERYDAY! IT'S HEALTHY! IT'LL MAKE YOU ALL EVOLVE INTO INTELLIGENT BEINGS!"

And that is that. =]

[Cookie Credit]

In 1932, a man by the name of Cookie Snickdoodlerus invented the very first cookie. As it has always been a custom to name a creation or discovery after one's self, Cookie called his creation a cookie. By adding just the right amount of sugar, spice, and everything good-tasting, Cookie invented the snickerdoodle cookie. The history does not end there, however. Cookie had two children. His son, Snick; the eldest, and Brownie. It is commonly believed that the cause of World War II was Germany. That is false. Disregard it. Brownie defiled the Cookie name by inventing...brownies. This cauesd the family to shun brownie. Unfortunately, brownies were a huge success with the general population. Much more so than cookies. This only served to piss off Snick. Thus, war broke out. The age old battle: Cookies vs Brownies. It is this event that caused the deaths and disappearances of the time. World War II just happened to occur at the same time. When the dust had settled and the dark sky had cleared, everything was gone. Cookie employees and Brownie employees. None remained. Just Snick and Brownie. The world was empty. Except for a talking snake named Mr. HSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS. Mr. HSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS was on false good terms with Brownie. He was merely waiting for her to bring about the destruction of the world so that his fellow reptiles could rule the world! Now Brownie felt awful about the general destruction of the world. Mr. HSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS, in attempt to console his friend, told her that if she ate the chocolate chips from a brownie tree, she would gain the wisdom to restore the human race. Brownie, being extremely gullible, did so. Well, this screwed everything over. So much so, that Snick came and ate some raw cookie dough from his Cookie Tree to help Brownie cope with her stupidity. Thus, through some magical, unknown means that did not involve incest, Chip Chocolate Cookie was brought into the world. This new type of cookie brought people back from the dead, longing for the pwnage of this new cookie. From then on, Brownie and Snick coexisted peacefully. Snick brought about many many more new cookies before he finally died. He drowned in a vat of milk.

[Terrifying Tale of the Chocolate Bar]

There was a time, long long ago in Ethiopia (located on the eastern coast of Africa for those who don't know) when Ethiopians and Africans in general were not black. This was the time when the Greek Gods ruled the world. You know, Zeus, Hades, Hera, whatever. Anyway. One day there was this cocky bastard named Phaeton. He believed he was the son of the Sun God (son of the sun? wth.), Helios. Phaeton was an attention whore. In class, he would tell anyone who would listen that he was the son of sun god. Even though he didn't know himself. That's just what his mother told him. Well one day, Helios comes before Phaeton and, in perfect Stars Wars fashion, said, "Phaeton. I am your father's brother's daughter's best friend's pet hamster's dog's master's father." Phaeton was elated to know that he had a relation to the sun god, no matter how vague it was. "Now Phaeton. Due to my vague relationship with you, I am going to grant you any wish you want." Phaeton, being arrogant, said that he wanted to pimp Helio's chariot. Helios was horrified. "No, no, no," he said, "That won't work! Pick something else! Not even Zeus can pimp my ride!" But Helios, being the cocky bastard he is, insists on it. So Helios hands over the reigns to the sun horses. While applying black spray paint, the horses got pissed and took off. They dragged the sun (which is what the chariot pulls, btw) al over the world. They charred the Ethiopians and made African's black. Zeus, hearing the screams of horror, had no choice but to pwnitize Phaeton. Phaeton, being the closest to the sun with his SPF 5 billion sun screen on, was the blackest of all the blacks. When Zeus' thunder bolt of pwnage struck Phaeton, he was melted instantly into a black, gooey blob. In anguish, Helios went emo, forcing Apollo to do his job. Zeus, out of pity, decreed that Phaeton's remains were to be gathered in the Holy Grail (the very same Holy Grail that was later sought after by King Arthur. He was looking for the ultimate chocolate taste for the very first chocolate cake). Helios was like someone after a break up. He needed ice cream. But since ice cream wasn't invented yet, Zeus had to cheat on Hera for the 5,000th time and have a baby with a woman named Choco. The baby was late, so it was named Chocolate. Using his powers over destiny, Zeus forced Chocolate to plant the very first cocoa bean and thus made chocolate to console Helios. It worked and Apollo could go back to being god over the other 500 things he had to do. Those gods are all dead now, by the way. Rome took over and forced gods named after planets on the greeks. At any rate, Chocolate saw that if he allowed his invention (aptly named chocolate in case you haven't made the connection), it would harden into a more transportable substance. He condensed it much how a black smith uses a mold to make swords. Thus, we have the first chocolate bar.

Note: The myth about Phaeton is (or I should say was) what the greeks actually believed was the cause of the dark skin of Africans. Trust me. I had to do the Phaeton myth for an English project. ^^