I'm new to blogging, I haven't seen many people post about their feelings or their 'musings' as its put. I guess most would prefer to go to a relationships/dating thread or forum, but I thought I'd try my hand at a new medium, maybe make people think a little. I have my doubts about what kind of response I'll get on a forum principally about gaming and technology of different kinds. Anyways I best get to the point.

Its nearly 2:15am UK time, and 20 minutes ago through anger, frustration, disbelief and embarrassment, I decided to remove my recent ex from my Bebo friends list. We broke up about 6 weeks ago, although it was effectively over 2 months ago. We didn't date long around 4/5 months, but I thought at the time I was head over heels for her. I thought I could settle down with her, a youngster of 21 that I am. Ridiculous I know, after 4/5 months and the fact that I'm only 21, almost 22. We said extremely strong things to each other, the relationship was extremely intense, but in the end we both just needed someone at that time, I guess.

She had a physically and mentally abusive ex who she had just finished dating for 3 years when we got together this time. We'd went out as younger teens, I was 18 the first time, she just 15- turning 16. It was just a young persons relationship not serious. After that she dated a guy who used her for sex, and texted me trying to get back in my life, I ignored her. Then she met her boyfriend previous to me, the abusive one. He was controlling, and uncontrollable; she-mentally scared. I was single for a long time before I got with her, a very long time. I don't have a wide social circle you see, not that I'm not fit, athletic and witty though.

So the basis of this relationship seems to be that of desperation or need, yet I found my self swallowed, engulfed, by the thing they call love. She had terrible emotional problems particularly when we started dating this time. She was always quite a private person because her brother tragically died when she was young, but this time she seemed terrified I wouldn't care for her nor would she be good enough for me. Of course this was silly in my mind, it was a very depressing overly hard-work relationship throughout, but particularly at this point. I convinced myself though I loved her, that I wouldn't give up on her, that this was me supporting her after her traumas at the hands of her ex, and in her life before me. Every time she said jump through the weeks that passed, I jumped. Every text I got was replied to immediately, as at the beginning of the relationship she was paranoid about my reasoning for not texting back. Every night I spent at least 4 hours speaking to her on MSN, and saw her at least twice a week. She would wonder why I wasn't online if I didn't.

She told me before we officially dated, that she wasn't sure if I was just a friend to her. In the end, it didn't matter what I done I was at fault. Its difficult in a relationship to be so generous. That may seem a paradox, as generosity and kindness are requisites of love, but when you try to support someone who has been through so much and refuses no matter what you say to tell there closest friends nor their own parents, when you spend over £150 on a girl at Christmas and valentine's day when you don't even work, when you sacrifice nights with your friends, your family, you own leisure time in your honours year at University, when you wish to spend all your time, and completely and utterly devote yourself to someone. To give and give, and not want something in return, loyalty, love, support, anything, is in my opinion non existent. Is love really altruistic? Do we really give without any thought of reward? I thought I did, but then apparently love is about give and take. It is after all called a relationship, something that needs to have input from both ends.

The problems with this girl occurred around January time. She had exams, I didn't. She needed time to study, which I was fine with, I saw her once in about 10-12 days, for about 4 hours. It was a turning point no doubt, this is point where it became about me needing her rather than her needing me, or maybe both of us needing each other. She said we would spend the week/10 days before our classes began again, I thought this was a large commitment, and I questioned her, but she said that's what she meant. Later on during this week though, she seemed to treat me more like a duty, and even told she wanted to spend the day tidying her wardrobe out which I though was fine. She was on Bebo all day, and said she spent the day with her mum, and hadn't touched the wardrobe. I thought, ok, I'm demanding too much time from her, she feels she needs to lie to get some space. Yet we continued to have lengthy conversations deep into the night on MSN. Everything seemed normal but from then everything spiralled out of control.

I knew something was wrong, but I let it go for a while before confronting her. She said our relationship had changed, relationships apparently do this after a while. It eventually came out that I was apparently controlling, that I was demanding an excuse for her not to spend time with me. I was apparently constantly asking her what she was doing. I have no idea about the previous points, but the latter was because it eventually became impossible to coax a conversation from her. I lost it around this time. The things she said or didn't say 3 special words in particular led me to act strangely, and I had a 15000 word dissertation due and several essays due at this time. I was exploding with pressure. I broke up with her said I couldn't take any more of her treating me like this. I thought that's what she wanted, I thought she had been trying to end it unsuccessfully. She wasn't happy, and wondered what she'd done. So I took her back, but It didn't get better. I later told her I dumped her to see if she loved me. We normally said those words a few times a day, she had said it once in a week prior to this point. I ranted at her in the final days about how I couldn't trust anything at all she said on the phone, and told her once I was coming round to her house as I thought she was lying about her whereabouts. Perhaps the only point I could have been labelled controlling, but at that point I hadn't seen her for 2 whole weeks.

Its over now. When it ended I wasn't sad just angry. I told her she was crazy after all I'd given during this year of all years, with Uni on my back. Sometimes it doesn't matter what you do for someone, how much you care, how much you show it. The time you give, the money you spend, the sacrifices you make. You just can't make someone love you, and sometimes the can't give you what you want back.

I'm still very angry, and I still think about her all the time, what went wrong, what went wrong in her head. Now though, I think what is a relationship for? Why do they exist? I feel they are simply a social contract. An informal agreement of regular sex and emotional stability. Call me a cynic, but I torn now in my disappointment, my embarrassment of my gushy expressions of love and commitment. I'll only meet someone else, have the same feelings I thought were unique, and find it dies a terrible death, and I'll recover my head from the sand like the animal I am. Like we all are. I used to believe in loving someone no matter what. In giving everything without any thought of reciprocation. I'm a socialist, if you want to call me that, after all. I used to have a great belief in karma, and in people, especially people I fall for, I suddenly question my faith in her, as I do humanity.

What a cold, alien and solitary species we are. So disparate from each other, so distant and so confused, and alienated from our 'bonds'. What a fallacy we are as a species or a community. There truly is no hope for us, with each other in love, or as a society. So selfish, and so abusive of each other. I take with me the lesson that one inherent, innate, and inescapable factor of human existence; the human condition. That is- loneliness. We are bound by it, and simultaneously set free by it. It haunts us. Our quintessential living condition-individualism-encouraged by the current capitalist society, and by our unflinching self-interest, the animal within us keeping us apart.

We must accept it or so it seems, call me a pessimist, but I wont look for someone to 'fill me in' or 'make me whole again', or 'make me feel complete'. Perhaps, I'm naive and child-like, but I tried to believe for so long, but I don't have faith anymore.

Actually as a side note I don't expect anyone to read this, and certainly not reply, although it would be a nice surprise, but I think it's helped me gather my thoughts a little. Maybe when I'm in a better mood I'll post something shorter and sweet.

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Lee mcvey

  • Irvine, Ayrshire, Scotland Scotland UK
  • Joined May 6, 2005
  • Male
  • 27 years young
  • private
  • Student
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