just what the *bleep*?


Not really a story but this really tickled me.. was out with some friends last night and when I went for a piss I cam across possibly the most random piece of toilet graffitti ever.. above the cistern there it is.. in black marker.. just... bin bags

Like WTF? what can that possibly mean lol?

Anywho as I said it did tickle me and I've got a pic, stick it up in a bit

pokemon sprite toilet graffitti fa cup wtf other musingsthoughts

Posing on 'the pornstar couch' that was in reception



Just a short story as it came into my head yesterday morning talking to friends.. it's from a couple fo years go so I can't go into the antics after we were out drinking.

Me and some of my A-Level (well a-level equivalent cause school got sick of me the year before the A-levels)business class were on an 'educational trip' to Bratis Slava, the capital of Slovakia if you don't know.

We decided this would be a great excuse to get hammered and bring home lots of cheap alcohol as well. but imagine our surprise and joy when we get to the hotel and in it.. there’s a strip club. Well what better way to start a night that a few drinks in the room, few drinks in a strip club then go out. And as we were in Slovakia it was very cheap... very very cheap.

Amongst other things we chipped in and got a hell of a lesbian show for about fifty quid which was good. But the tale comes from another session, just thought I'd mention it cause it was good.

Me and two friends got a private dance and part of the girls routine included running ice over her beautiful tanned skin... and of course the nipples. Well those bad boys were sticking out like bullets as she was giving me some attention (not like that you dirty minded people!) and rubbed her tits in my face.. and of course one of these big hard nipples went straight in my eye.. painful but i struggled to show it as I was just in too happy a place.


On the side we discovered that all of these girls also became hookers to 'service' the hotels clientele.. and as it was one of the guys birthdays we put two and two together and sent a lady of the night to his room.. problem being at the time he was oh so in love with his girlfriend and threw her out the room just as a couple of the tutors were walking down the corridor... cue us getting an absolute bollocking form the tutors and being told how we were letting the institution down.. and we wasted our money as a refund or ‘transfer of services’ weren’t options apparently

other musingsthoughts pokemon sprite nicole pain strip club funny drunk

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The carnage.. is much dirtier in real life



Well I woke up this morning feeling rougher than usual and had some difficulties with my memory.. first stop, the mobile.. I have four messages waiting for me this is either gonna be good or great..

message one... Thats cool, where did you see him what was he like?

message two... Master of the pimpslap!

message three... That guys a knob but I bet you enjoyed it (plus other questions about when I'd be flying home next)

message four (definitely the best)... I'm so rough i feel like i've been slapped in the face numerous times and been put in a loft space.. oh wait

This final message intrigued me to say the least.. and who are the other messages referring to.. who is this 'he'? And more importantly why am I still in bed when I can feel my bladder about to burst, so up I hop and head to the toilet.. out my bedroom door and into the hall and oh my.. this si more than a mess.. what the *bleep* did we do? Had a piss then took a picture of the carnage on my mobile) to be added soon) and then began to clear up the larger chunks of debris i.e. the bits of chair

Well that was me at about 2pm today.. now, at 11:37pm, through getting my head sorted and friends tales I have pieced together my evening.


At the moment I am very much so in the business end of my degree and have two coursework’s needs to be handed in in less than a week and just handed one in on Friday last... so I haven't been out much, this gives me two problems.. I miss going out and secondly when I do.. I.. Go.. To.. Town!

So in the library at 9pm on a Sunday, what a good student I am, drinking in the flat by 9:30.. more like it! We head out just after eleven or so and to a bar by the flat for one pound bottles of Stella galore.. nothing of note here bar seeing a guy that looked like the classic 70's retro cop.. and he doesn't appreciate us all in turn over an hour asking him if he's Starsky or Hutch, where's Hutch etc we drink.. and drink... and drink...

around midnight-ish we move on elsewhere and I meet someone, someone I used to think was a bit of a hero, Mr Joey Barton, a footballer for those who don't know but he used to play for he team I support and I thought he was brilliant, well he very kindly agrees to a photo and is on his way (well he was excited to meet me :P) and that’s the mystery of who I met.

drink more, another stop then home around half three fourish and then fun and games happened.

At last count these are our antics

1. we threw half the contents of our kitchen out of our first floor window to smash on the street below.. objects include mugs, plates, cutlery, a toaster and nine jam doughnuts which apparently I was winging as hard as I could at the car parked across the road and missing by miles.

2. One of the guys remembers that due to a bet on the night he owes one of the other guys a pimp slap, i.e. a slap across the face with the back of the hand, and after witnessing this me and one of the other guys decide that we wish to 'try our hands' at this (excuse the pun) and then created a game where we just took it in turns to hit each other in the face.... smooth (i also have a fairly swollen lip)

3. we manage to stick one of the guys in the loft above the hall, which is gonna be why all the mess is there on the floor when the pics up

Bed by about 6am and class for 3 pm... a good nights work.

drunk stories funny back hand other musingsthoughts

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Occured - 23/4/2008

Just before last summer, instead of revising for my exams, on 23/4/08 me and some friends were enjoying a drink in the sunshine in Concert Sq in Liverpool.. basically a big beer garden type area inbetween a bunch of clubs.. and we had a poem written for us by who we assumed was a homeless man but turns out is somewhat of a street poet by the name of Tony .A. Chestnut Brown for the price of a beer.. most of the lines are references to something I may right someday as for inspiration we just told him funny shit that had happened during the year, here goes:

This man - truely Untied - with a! Manhead!
don't take it to the papers, see you laters
as ditching mates - in drunken states
get done over & then recover
ready for mroe abuse
win not but lose as the playstation you play
and your fists you bruise hitting the wall
why be on the ball when you can drop out like Paddy?
have fear thats terminal diahorrea (and bleeding rear!)
the appeal of life being surreal
- now steal a cow -
heres to living life dangerously
and wearing a goatie!
it's never boring, sometimes bizarre
go all the way its never too far
for your mates - all for one, one for all
and remember Jonny shagging them fat hopps like that
for they'e a flabby twat!

other musingsthoughts poem cheese funny

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(well about 4 and a headbutt)

Well, this occurred last night, (this is now 11/3/09) and I have encountered a new problem in my drinkage. I rarely get out at the minute due to having a lot of uni work on, and so only get out maybe twice a week to get hammered drunk.

As a result When I go out, I get extremely drunk to make up for my loss of drinking time, I tend to go a bit over the top. On Friday night as a tipple I was enjoying absinthe and coke from my friendly bar man... this was not going to end well. Basically I drank in a ten hour binge which resulted in me being extremely sick on the walk home, a rare occasion. But enough side stories.. that night was quite funny, perhaps I’ll write of it one day.

Anywho the only reason I went out was because a certain Bob (fake name of course) was coming out, which is somewhat of a rarity and is usually good. Well we are going to a fairly shoddy joint which has one pound pints galore, always good. We need to have a good few beers before we go out because the one pound pint does attract quite the crowd.. simple maths tells me:

Cheap Beer x Large Crowd = Stupidly Large Crowd
Therefore smells of sweat and is rather packed

Hence the need to already be drunk when we arrive.
The place has two floors, the plan is to stay upstairs and get even drunker and then head downstairs to the sweat box, which has a lot of sluts in it.

Okay, whilst upstairs a couple of hilarious conversations happened, a great one involving STD’s. For anyone who has read the Piss in a Jug Story will know the going ones there. The friend who did the drinking, lets say he’s called Pete, and the pissee, let’s say Doug. Now after a mis-placed comment Pete is upset and alarmed at the fact that due to Doug’s bellend touching the rim of the jug he drank from he may well get Chlamydia. We don’t think Doug even has the big C but oh well... from this we went on to whether or not you can get STD’s form shitting in the same toilet due to foreskin’s rubbing off the rim of the toilet. This was a truly disturbing an alarming conversation to say the least

There was then a conversation following along the lines of where in the world is Madeline McCann, followed by an argument over my ketchup which went missing. The result of this was a bit of play fighting until someone took it too far and cracked someone in a non friendly manner. The bouncer saw this and trailed the boy out. This created a minor fracas, and the end of this guys night.

We reckon its time to head downstairs, one reason being that we are clearly drunk enough, the other being the bouncer eyeing us up looking to throw us out for anything.

Downstairs, as expected, is packed but I’m drunk so don’t care. We continue to drink but nothing much happens other than I pulled a pirate and am now wearing a skull and cross bones hat whilst drinking.
Bob and Pete’s girlfriends arrive on the scene, and Doug is gone, however Bob is a master of social situations and manages to balance the girlfriend with friends and is happily drinking along, I’m standing talking to someone and out of the corner of my eye I see bob full headbutting someone then him getting a big dig in the face which puts his flat on his back. A resilient lad he’s up fairly quickly and windmilling in a general direction. He gets really worked up and we spend ages calming him down and getting him home to the safe arms of his girlfriend. Time for food.

In the chippy and another fight, about football this time, I’m too tired to weigh in and it’s separated in no time.

Half four in the morning, I fall asleep on top of my bed fully clothed, still wearing my pirate hat :)

Wake up with a killer headache and am currently typing this instead of ding may uni work :(


I’m just thinking as I write this, even though it was a hilarious evening, it doesn’t seem to be a good read, unlucky

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Here's the first story which funnily enough doesn't involve alocohol.

It's about the time I got locked outta my flat. naked.

Well it was the first morning I moved in, back to uni after the summer..

I got a flat with four mates and five other mates got the on right next door.. the only other guy that had moved in at this point was next door.

Right, my flat last year you needed the fob (weird wee key) to lock bedroom doors on the outside however m current flat the doors lock behind you automatically... something I hadn't realised/gotten used to... I sleep naked and seeing as its just me I figured there's no need for me to put clothes on to go for a piss and walked right out my door.. half way back from the toilet I realise my mistake lol

so here I am naked no keys/mobile

I take a gamble and decide to go next door, wake my mate up and get him to ring the caretaker for me.. so cupping my bollocks I proceed to the hall and start hammering his door... this does not wake him up... I don't have my key and so can't go back into my flat... I'm in a hall in a new place.. naked...

Eventually (bout 15mins of hammering) the girls in the flat down the hall (who I hadn't met at the time) come out to see what all the commotion is about... as they open their door I'm hitting my mates with both hands so my dicks just flapping in the wind when me and them meet for the first time... They find the whole situation hilarious as I explain I'm their new neighbour and why I'm naked.. they phone the caretaker for me and he lets me in, but of course my luck he takes like a hour to get there so I just hang about in their flat.. naked (after 5 mins they twigged to offer me something and the bigger girl gave me some trackies to put on whilst I waited)

Been locked out a few times since then... never naked though.. discovered due to the shitness of our locks its a lot easier to kick it in than wait an hour or so on our lazy as shit caretaker

naked locked out neighbours other musingsthoughts

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The jug and friend in qestion


Well this take place the day after my Leeds story, and in fact is where I went half way through that story.

Sitting with a hangover, typing out my Leeds story I get a knock on my door and my mate informs me that I need to drink because being at a laptop is gay. This si good enough logic for me and off I go.

I'll set the scene - I'm hungover as *bleep* after being perfect drunk* the night before and my mate who weren't in Leeds have been drinking since like one in the afternoon, it's now 7-ish and they are well on their way. The plan was to go to this pub because it was shutting down the next day for refurbishment. This mean that they needed to use up all the alcohol and in a bid to get people to drink the bar dry put everything on at one pound. We appreciated this. We had only planned to stay for two hours or so and head back into town to a place round the corner from our flats, we did not manage to stick to this timeline.

We start playing the name game with football players and one of our mates who isn't very into football was going through his drinks a great pace. Since this place is shutting down we start just nicking random shit (hey they don't need it) amongst our haul was:

- A chain of Corona flags
- A few pint glasses
- A couple of the mats that sit under taps for spillages
- One of those long mats that goes across the top of bars
- A plastic old school style jug (seen in photo, along with the poor soul this story is based on)

Now my really drunk friend got rather attached to this jug and started pouring his alcohol in it and drinking from it. By now he's on the rose wine as the beer and cider are completely gone, he's had a line of drinks something similar to me so it must of been something like this.. pints of carling, bottles of bud, bottles of becks, some old school bitter, rose wine. (yep we were literally drinking that place dry)

By around half eleven we decided we need to head back into town as times getting on and my drunk friend goes to the toilet. We grab his jug and for a laugh one of the guys thinks it would be funny to piss into the jug just to see how pissed off (excuse the pun) he would be when he discovers it but then genius strikes.

When he returns to the table we all pour a bit of our drinks in there and make a big deal like he wasn't man enough to drink the concoction, he of course steps up and downs the whole thing... this guy has just drank piss and doesn't even know it.

He polishes it off and starts cheering for himself, I'm in tears and my side hurts... just to make it even better half the bar watched when my mate was pissing and so know what we've done.. they all start clapping and laughing whilst looking disgusted.

A couple of notes which made this even better for me.

When we went to the next place we called by the flat and left him with his girlfriends.. so this was the last thing he drank. I'm more than sure he will of kissed her with those pissy lips :D

We literally only went for a few pints and didn't want to stay longer than like two hours. We stayed for around 4 and a half hours, robbed loads of shit and topped it off with our mate drinking piss.

The rest of the night was fairly uneventful and generally revolved around telling anyone we met and also laughing amongst ourselves about what had happened.

*perfect drunk is the point where I've got memory loss but don't throw up that night or in the morning

other musingsthoughts drinking piss piss drunk funny

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The state of the floor the morning after



Okay so yesterday (Saturday 28/2/09) I, along with three companions got on a 2 and a bit hour coach form Liverpool to Leeds via Manchester. The reasoning for this to meet my flatmate out and get pissed as it was his 21st on Wednesday.

For a start due to one of my mates being a lazy shit we only just made our coach. Two and a bit hours later we disembark.

First things first we need to find the hotel... none of us have been to Leeds before but we came past the hotel on the way so just headed off in the right general direction, and after a mainly uneventful (except I discovered I had an extra £300 quid I was unaware of) trip we get to the hotel. The hotel we booked vi a hostel website and so had never seen.. this is a nice hotel, a nice hotel indeed.

To begin with there’s issues as there’s four of us for one room and they only allow three adults per room, after a bit of argument they cave and we pay then head to our room. (with Tesco bags full of alcohol.. we are classy men :D )

We begin the process of getting showers and generally dicking about in the room and getting drunk, bout half ten we ring down to reception and ask for a taxi for eleven which shows up about quarter past. One of my friends has been told that a place called The Wire is good so we head there. In the taxi we ring the friend who’s birthday we are celebrating and arrange to meet somewhere called NuBar at the end of the night and he'll text us when he gets there.. happy days

We're dropped off just down the street from The Wire and on the way there two really sexy girls went into a bar right beside it... so we went in for a drink.. one expensive pint and no interaction with those ladies we leave and head into this club.. there is now a queue which wasn't there before (I hate queuing, a very impatient person I am) so I'm not happy, we get in the queue and two girls behind us start to talk to us.. ones a "larger lady" and the other one is borderline curvy/fat but with a great rack and a nice face.. we flirt and whatnot as we wait in the queue and then when we get in we have to go down a set of steps to where we pay.. somehow during the queue they manage to get from behind us to in front of us.. cunning bitches! As they head into the club the decent one says to me "Is it cool if we come and find you later for a dance and stuff" with a dirty wee smile, I at this point am drunk and don't even pick up on it and just say "eh.. yeah sure, whatever" and give a fake wee laugh.

They depart, we get in hit the bar £3 a pint, this is not cool, we continue to drink getting ploughed through them rightly and hitting on random ladies with moderate success as when we were drinking in the hotel we made us a story about us being a band (two of them actually are) and I had shotgunned drummer. I have been informed that I was spotted on a couple of occasions waving my arms around like a moron and saying "this is all I do".... so smooth, haha.

About one-ish my mate texts me and I begin trying to organise the guys away to try and find this place NuBar.. this does not go well, by the time we finally get clear of the club and trail a mate off a hideous girl (he regrets her today :D) it’s like two and everyone we ask for directions to NuBar say we won't get in because A. the doors will be shut and B. we are too drunk

We decide to just head back to The Wire and luckily the bouncer remembers us so we don't have to pay in again. When we are back in I reflect on our position.. "We've come to Leeds and gone to one place" (the earlier pint doesn't count). This doesn't make me very happy and I blame my friends for taking so damn long, I then decide my friends deserve to be punished, so I go to the bar and order two pints and "two of your *bleep*ing nastiest shots". and the bar girl did not hold back.. This shit smelt so strong and tasted of pure ass... she then informs me its some 63% rum, I pay and think this might be a mistake. I knock back my first one and it stops me in my tracks, the taste of it temporarily paralyzes me and I can't even take a swell from my pint to wash away the taste, I come to my sense and take a drink then begin doing some heavy breathing and prepare myself for the next one... I think *bleep* it you only live once (a bit of a moral I live by.. and generally just use to justify being such an idiot/mess) drink it and immediately feel sick (I actually feel a little sick now thinking about this). The plan had been to neck half of one of the pints after each shot, this was not going to happen.. I leave the bar not feeling great carrying my pints and re-join my friends...

This is my last clear memory of the night.. good work

This is mainly pieced together from my friends, but it seems the most notable things are these:

1. I started chatting up some girl and she was into the whole band thing, I'm doing really well with her and then the girl from the queue comes over... this si a situation I don't deal well with, I pretty much told her to *bleep* off cause this other girl was better looking thus ruining my chance with both.. smart move.

2. We stay in The Wire until around 3-ish then leave, we see the glowing golden arches of McDonalds and we follow.. apparently I argued for ages to try and get a double cheeseburger but they weren't having any of it due to their shitty night menu.. I eventually order a quarter pounder and a McFlurry.. then fall over.. my burger flies out f my box and my mate kicks it... I still pick that bad boy up and eat it, then am quickly ushered out by the bouncer/security guy.

3. Back at the hotel I'm face down on the double bed, and two of my mates are having a bit of a wrestle and fall on the bed, this awakens the beast within me and I weigh in.. we fought for a while and i eventually one.. then one of the guys throws a packet of crisps at me which explodes...

(As I write there is a knock on my door and an invitation to go drinking, I accept and the evening was eventful and I shall write about it soon. So now we're on the Monday and I am heavily hungover)

...which explodes everywhere (I had bought two six packs of the new random Walkers crisps to munch on while we were drinking.. none of them got ate, all of them got thrown). And so I retaliate as you would expect by grabbing a pack and running over and bursting it off his head. This pattern continued with the other two guys getting involved. (The pic above is just a portion of the floor in the morning.. the whole floor was covered like that)

That appeared to be the end of the notable efforts, time to wake up.

I awake in the double with my mate lying beside me and one of the other guys alarm going off.. its 11:55am and check out is in five minutes. Well don't I just feel great.

I try an go back to sleep but there’s too much activity in the room, everyone starts packing up and showering etc... I lie there.

I then look around, *bleep* me the room is a mess, most notably the fact there are crisps everywhere, shower-time.

After my shower I'm dressed and packing my stuff up... (bout half twelve-ish now) there’s a knock on the door, we do the mature thing and ignore it in the hope that everything will be okay. The knock persists and then we hear the door open, it's the lady form reception and she is not impressed as she surveys the area. the words she speaks next made me laugh right at her... "this is why we don't allow four in a room, check out now and if you see housekeeping apologise". I laugh and reply "we'd of done this shit even if it was a room for one". She is not impressed, not at all.

We pack up our stuff and leave... dander into town and get on the coach.

That was Leeds

drunk leeds crisps hotel messy night other musingsthoughts

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Well in a Tucker Max-esque kind of way I wanna start posting funny incidents that have happened to me and my mates in the form of this wee blog.......

other musingsthoughts naked funny story locked out

Mike Russell

  • Nothern Ireland
  • Joined Feb 6, 2006
  • Male
  • 26 years young
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  • Student

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