Having seen other Neo homes, I decided to put here what interests me most. So every week I will add another joke to what is already here. Some of you may have heard these jokes: I have posted some of them in different guestbooks. Anyway:

A man was sitting quietly at a bar when someone came in and shouted "all lawyers are assholes!" The man jumped to his feet and shouted " I resent that!" "Are you a lawyer?" "No, I'm an asshole!"

A man approached a pretty girl in a supermarket "I have lost my wife, can I talk to you?" "Why?" replied the girl "Because whenever I talk to a pretty girl my wife appears out of knowhere!"

A man is holidaying in the holy land with his wife and mother-in-law. Sadly, just hours after they arrive the mother-in-law is taken seriously ill and, tragically passes away. The very next day the couple go to an undertaker who tells the greiving couple that it will cost $5000 to ship the mother home. To bury the mother-in-law in the holy land, will cost $550. "We will ship her home" says the husband. "are you sure?" says the undertaker "that seems like a huge expense when we could give her a wonderful burial here." "You listen to me," says the husband "two thousand years ago they buried a bloke here and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

A man strolls into the bar and orders a beer. After he drinks he peers inside his jacket pocket, then asks for another. Again the man drinks the beer he is given, and looks inside his jacket pocket. This ritual continues for a wile until the bar tender has to satisfy his curiosity. "Excuse me sir, I have noticed that you have been drinking a beer, then looking inside your jacket. Why?" "simple" the man replies "I have a picture of my wife in my pocket. When she looks good, I'll go home."

A man went to the lawyer for help: What are your fees? $50 for 3 questions That is pretty expensive isn't it? maybe, what is your third question?

A blond hailed a passing policeman to report that thieves had been in her car. “Officer,” she cried, “they’ve stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, he break pedal, even the foot pedals!” “Madam” he replied, “you’re in the backseat…”

A Sunday school teacher asked her young class. “why is it necessary to be quiet in church?” One boy answered “because people are sleeping.”

An atheist was fishing in Scotland one day when his boat was suddenly attacked by the Loch Ness monster. The boat capsized and the man was tossed skywards. As he flew towards the monsters mouth he screamed “Oh God, Help me!” Immediately everything was frozen in place. The ferocious attack stopped and the atheist was left suspended in mid air. A booming voice came from the clouds. “I thought you did not believe in me!” “Come on God give me a break!” said the man. “Two minutes ago I didn’t believe in the Loch Ness monster either!”

An extremely wealthy 80-year-old arrived for his annual check-up and smiled when the doctor enquired about his health. "Never better," he announced proudly. "I've taken an 18-year-old bride, and she's pregnant. What do you think of that?" The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "I once knew a guy who was an avid hunter. One day he slept in, and in the subsequent rush, he dashed out with his umbrella instead of his rifle." "Go on, doc," said the old-timer "Deep in the woods, he faced a huge, angry bear, raised his umbrella, pointed it at the bear, and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?" Dumbfounded, the old codger shook his head. "The bear fell dead in front of him." "That's impossible," exclaimed the old man in disbelief. "Someone else must have been doing the shooting." Sighing, the doctor gave his patient a friendly pat on the back. "That's what I'm getting at."

What’s worse than having Michael Jackson looking after your kids? Letting Lee Hughes drive them to school.
Feeling very lonely because her husband had died the year before, a Jewish lady decides to buy a pet to keep her company. So, she goes to her local pet shop and explains her situation to the shop manager. ‘I’ve got just the thing for you,’ he says. ‘This is Bella, a female parrot – she will chat sweetly to you all day.’ The Jewish lady is delighted and buys the bird. When she gets the parrot home she says, ‘Come on, Bella – say something.’ Bella says ‘My name is Bella. I like to *bleep* and I want some sex!’ The old lady is shocked and nearly passes out. She leaves it for an hour or so and approaches the parrot once more. But no luck: ‘My name is Bella and I want to *bleep*!’ The lady decides enough is enough and plans to return the parrot immediately. However, just as she’s about to leave, the local rabbi comes round. She explains her bad luck with the parrot. ‘Don’t worry,’ says the rabbi, ‘I’ve got three parrots at home and I’ve taught them so well that all they do is pray all day! Let me take Bella to them and they’ll make her a good parrot.’ The widow agrees and so the rabbi leaves with Bella. He gets home and tells his parrots, ‘This is Bella, she is bad, you must teach her to be good.’ Bella shouts, ‘My name is Bella, I like to *bleep* and I want sex now.’ The rabbi’s parrots look at each other and one shouts, ‘I told you if we prayed long enough …’

Having heard from the jury, the judge asked the accused serial killer to stand. ‘You have been found guilty of murdering your postman with a chainsaw,’ he said, sternly. ‘You lying tosser!’ screamed a man in the gallery, leaping to his feet. The judge stared in astonishment, before turning back to the killer to continue with his verdict: ‘You are also guilty of killing a housewife with a hammer.’ ‘You miserable git!’ yelled the man, again leaping to his feet. ‘Sir,’ the judge said, ‘I am seconds away from charging you with bringing the court into disrepute. Kindly explain your outrageous interruptions.’ ‘I lived next door to that bastard for 20 years,’ the man snarled, ‘and did he ever have a garden tool when I needed one?’

A drunk is stumbling through the woods when he happens upon a preacher baptising folk in the river. He ambles down to the water's edge then trips and falls down before the holy man. Almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, the preacher pipes up: "Lord have mercy on your drunken soul, brother - are you ready to find Jesus?" Out of his skull, the drunk agrees: "Yes, I am!" he replies. And with that, the preacher grabs him and dunks him under the water. Moments later, he drags the boozer back up: "Brother, have you found Jesus?" "No, preacher," stammers the drunk, "I have not!" Stunned by this, the preacher sends the drunk down again...this time leaving him there a little longer. Shortly he drags him back up again: "Rid your soul of the poison, brother - have you found Jesus?" Gasping for air, the drunk splutters a reply: "No, preacher - I have not!" At his wit's end, the preacher sends the drunk down one last time. A full minute later, he pulls him out: "For the love of God," shouts the preacher, "tell me you've found Jesus!" Coughing his lungs up, the drunk wipes his eyes and turns to the preacher: "You sure this is where he fell in?"

A frog leaps out of the magical forest where he has lived all his life and into a real forest. Since he lived in the magical forest he has magical powers. He sees a bear chasing a rabbit and thinks to himself, this isn't right, everyone should live in peace. So he stops the bear and rabbit and tells them that if they stop chasing each other he'll give them both three wishes. The bear thinks for a second and wishes that all the rest of the bears in the forest were female. Poof, all of them are female. Next the rabbit wishes for a crash helmet. The bear looks at the rabbit wondering why he would want a crash helmet. The bear thinks for a second making sure he makes a good second wish and wishes that all the rest of the bears in the country were female. Again -- poof -- all the rest became female. Then the rabbit wishes for a motorcycle. It is time for the bear's final wish and he takes a second to think and makes sure he doesn't waste it. After a minute he wishes that all the other bears in the whole world were female. And again poof they are all female. The rabbit puts on his helmet and jumps on the bike. He turns around and smiles. Then he says, "I wish that that bear is gay."

Could people please inform me if they wish to take any jokes from my selection. I cannot stop you but it would be nice!
(0.0629/d/web8)