Disclaimer: The opinions and viewpoints expressed by the author do not necessarily reflect the opinions and viewpoints of Neoseeker. As a parody, the opinions and viewpoints expressed by the author do not necessarily reflect the opinions and viewpoints of the author, either.
Yeah, yeah, there hasn't been a new "This Week in Video Game Bull@!$*" for three weeks. GET OVER IT. I've got better things to do, like write about Pokemon. Writing a Pokemon story is like taking candy from a baby. I could write a story about about how Game Freak is replacing the starting Pokemon with Teletubbies and it would ring in a billion hits. Pokemon fans can't help themselves! The point is you're lucky I had it in my heart to be angry at just about everything this week, and so a new " Bull@!$*" was born.
The worst part of this article, beyond having to write it at all, was just how much "Bull@!$*" there was this week to sort through. Yes, I'm going to keep using the word "Bull@!$*" because Neoseeker is a family friendly site and this is the only way I can get away with it. Seriously, though, I've got a whole gross In-N-Out napkin covered in curse words and angry faces. The topics that made the cut were just what was left legible.
Ain't nobody got time to waste, so let me get straight to telling you your new opinions.
Sony's PlayStation 4 Controller is the Embodiment of Satan Himself
If you haven't seen the leaked images of the next -gen PlayStation consoles then let me describe them for you: imagine everything unholy and wrong with the world given shape. Sony's new controller is Satan's off-hand tool of destruction, since he's busy busy grinding Nintendo's Wii U into the grave with his trident. I'm saying there is and never will be any good born of this device, and if you think otherwise you're clearly infested with demon-rage and need to be purged with holy light
Sure, it's basically just a DualShock, what with its two analog sticks, a rather standard looking directional pad, triggers on the shoulders and four buttons on the right hand. Yet is doesn't say DualShock on the front and so it's not the same and obviously inferior. Inferior doesn't even approach an apt description. I'm disgusted, I'm insulted, and I will absolutely never pick one of those God-forsaken controllers. Unless they release a new God of War or Killzone game at launch, naturally.
Illuminati Conspiracy Behind the Wii U's January Sales Numbers
According to the January NPD "numbers" the Wii U sold less than 60,000 units in the month, compared to the Xbox 360's greater than 280,000 sales. Except I know for a fact these numbers are a lie. In order to ensure the success of the Wii U, and don't expect me to justify my reasons for you people, I had my people buy over 100,000 Wii U units alone. The only sensible reason for the shift in numbers is that once again the Illuminati is trying to ruin me and my interests. Don't make me pull my weight again, Illuminati, we both know who won the last presidential election.
Okay, I guess I'll let you in on my secrets. You see, the Wii U's MiiVerse is actually a decades-long research project created as a simple method of mind control. It's like "group-think" only on a much larger and nefarious scale. The more Wii U units you have pushing your agenda, the easier it is to brain wash the public! ... Hahaha, I'm just messing with you. I just wanted to persuade Nintendo to pump out a sequel to Mario Galaxy a bit faster. I've got your phone number, Iwata!
Ubisoft Gives Rayman Legends Developers Too Much Leash
Here's a pretty popular topic that I'm sure everyone can agree on. After Ubisoft delayed the Wii U release of Rayman Legends seven months, members of the development team were seen and photographed protesting the delay. Say it with me: FIRE THEM! It has been almost half a week since the protest photos went online and the entire internet is laughing at Ubisoft. The only solution is to those developers out of the company and then to sue them relentlessly.
Really though, this is Ubisoft's own fault for letting their developers create such a good looking and broadly appealing sequel. Everyone knows that with sequels you can get away with making cheap garbage and still sell a million copies. I mean, DmC and Dead Space 3, am I right? Now Ubisoft has thousands of nerds who were looking forward to a good game angry about delay. None of them would have cared if it was a terrible looking game. They still would have bought it on the off chance it was a good as Origins though. Just pay for a good review from some, uh, site that shall remain nameless and then embargo other reviews until after the release date. Cha-ching!
Gearbox Carefully Protecting the Secret Behind Selling Terrible Games
Nothing makes me angrier than someone making tons of money and not being willing to to explain how it all worked out when their hand is caught in the cookie jar. Listen Gearbox, everyone knows Aliens was a terrible game, but they all bought it still. I'd be disappointed you got caught, but then I thought back to your older games, Duke Nukem Forever, anything Brothers in Arms and your worst game ever, Borderlands 2. Pure trash, but people still bought them and worse yet they loved you for it!
So, while people may have suddenly realized everything Gearbox makes is terrible now, how did they get away with it for so long? We can gain some insight from further exploring their Aliens: Colonial Marines.
First: Blame someone else. TimeGate is getting a lot of the blame for Aliens, but what if Gearbox got called out on some of their other titles? Duke Nukem Forever was basically made entirely by another team. All of Borderlands 2's DLC is made by a third party developer. Even Gearbox's earliest games, the mods for Half Life. If people hated them, blame it on Valve!
Second: Whatever. I'm bored. Let's move on.
Aquaman joins Injustice Gods Among Us Roster, How Embarassing
Hahahahahha. Are you serious? Aquaman? Hahahahahahaha. Give that roster spot to someone relevant in DC comics like, uh... hmm. I can't really... Batman's butler?
And that's the end of this week's Week in the Week of "Bull@!$*". I'm not really into setting precedent of finishing this article with some sort of boring closing statement, especially when it'd just be wasted on you nerds! NERDS! NERDS! NERDS! Ahhhhhh!
Have a good weekend everybody, and tune in next week (maybe) for more "Bull@!$*".
Follow Rory on Twitter @bluexy or check out his news and reviews every day here on Neoseeker.