Neoseeker.com Forum Thread: Dating: Asking, Conflicts, relationships, and Tips 2011c - page 24

reprinted from http://www.neoseeker.com/forums/
original thread: http://www.neoseeker.com/forums/16/t1702757-dating-asking-conflicts-relationships-tips-2011c/24.htm


Author:   smarti3
Date:   Aug 12, 12 at 11:56pm (PST)
Subject:   re: Dating: Asking, Conflicts, relationships, and Tips 2011c
-------------------------------------------
Well the other day I offered to take a girl (that I've known for ages out). I was speaking to her yesterday and putting herself down so I said to her to not try and make me feel sorry for her. Then she revealed she was Masochist

At first I thought it doesn't sound too bad (Was thinking of S&M as that's the only time I've heard of it) but I've done a bit of research and it sounds pretty complex. Should I bail as I dont really want a girl that's psychologically F'd up ?
Would this be classed as emo-ish behaviour ?



Author:   Distortion
Date:   Aug 13, 12 at 12:06am (PST)
Subject:   re: Dating: Asking, Conflicts, relationships, and Tips 2011c
-------------------------------------------
This is just me but I've never been into the whole S&M thing. If I were placed in this situation, I'd run.

HOWEVER, it all depends on how much you're willing to bend (you know...figuratively speaking). What's a deal-breaker for me may not be for you but if you're going to pursue this I highly recommend getting some specifics from her before moving any further.




Author:   Kedjown
Date:   Aug 13, 12 at 1:26pm (PST)
Subject:   re: Dating: Asking, Conflicts, relationships, and Tips 2011c
-------------------------------------------
quote smarti3
Well the other day I offered to take a girl (that I've known for ages out). I was speaking to her yesterday and putting herself down so I said to her to not try and make me feel sorry for her. Then she revealed she was Masochist

At first I thought it doesn't sound too bad (Was thinking of S&M as that's the only time I've heard of it) but I've done a bit of research and it sounds pretty complex. Should I bail as I dont really want a girl that's psychologically F'd up ?
Would this be classed as emo-ish behaviour ?
You never know, you might like it. Always best to try everything once!
Unless of course, you don't want to ruin the friendship. Why don't you try smacking your balls hard the next time you masturbate and see how you feel ? Seriously, though.

You should read 50 Shades Of Grey



Author:   Narphinean
Date:   Aug 13, 12 at 3:20pm (PST)
Subject:   re: Dating: Asking, Conflicts, relationships, and Tips 2011c
-------------------------------------------
I had a whole long response typed out until I realized you were talking about the personality disorder, not the sexual preference (and apparently the two gents above me were confused too - maybe you could clarify in your post?). Aheh. Excuse me while I type something new out...

Lots of people have some type of personality disorder, bailing on her just because she has one is pretty unfair IMO. If you really feel you can't pursue a romantic relationship because of it - like, it's really that severe and not just her pulling out an excuse for her behavior by blaming it on a disorder - by all means don't, but don't stonewall her either. That could lead to all sorts of problems for both of you, and you don't really want to deal with all that - trust me!




Author:   Kedjown
Date:   Aug 13, 12 at 4:21pm (PST)
Subject:   re: Dating: Asking, Conflicts, relationships, and Tips 2011c
-------------------------------------------
Ah, my bad.

That's the disorder for self-harming, right? I won't go into too much because I'm not 100%.

Just make sure you're not going in because you're a bloody knight in shining armour; trying to 'change' or 'help' someone, it can put tremendous unnecessary pressure and strain on any sort of relationship.



Author:   smarti3
Date:   Sep 18, 12 at 1:22pm (PST)
Subject:   re: Dating: Asking, Conflicts, relationships, and Tips 2011c
-------------------------------------------
Me again - decided not to progress with the masochist girl. Sounded like too much effort


Anyways, if you couldn't tell already I'm pretty shit with girls (unless it involves drink, then I'm fine) I've been at a new job for 6 months and there's this girl who works there (I say girl, she's like in her 20's). Well she doesn't work there as such - she's the cleaner,lol

She's stunning but I dont know her name and wouldn't mind getting to know her better. Thing is, like I said earlier, I'm shit when it comes to approaching girls. I usually only see her when I'm leaving too...

How would you suggest going about it ?



Author:   MyShilohMy
Date:   Sep 24, 12 at 6:49pm (PST)
Subject:   re: Dating: Asking, Conflicts, relationships, and Tips 2011c
-------------------------------------------
quote Misty
To be fair here, I've had guys that I friendzoned go from being decent guys to being total dicks overnight when I told them I wasn't interested in them. There's a huge difference between just peacing out and outright being an ass, and a lot of guys do cross that line if they're pissed that we're not interested. It's almost as if they did expect something in return for being nice, then are unhappy when they don't get what they expected (and it's usually pretty transparent when someone's just being nice to try to appeal), and it's a silly expectation.
You can blame movies where in the end the guy always gets the girl for that. People think they are entitled and get mad when they are denied what they think is a right.



Author:   Misty
Date:   Sep 24, 12 at 9:56pm (PST)
Subject:   re: Dating: Asking, Conflicts, relationships, and Tips 2011c
-------------------------------------------
MyShilohMy you have no idea how true that is. It's why so-called nice guys often aren't really nice guys at all (legitimately nice guys that don't feel entitled to sexual favor because they're emotionally available are often extremely attractive, actually). An xkcd comic sums it up perfectly:





Author:   Kedjown
Date:   Sep 26, 12 at 5:01pm (PST)
Subject:   re: Dating: Asking, Conflicts, relationships, and Tips 2011c
-------------------------------------------
quote smarti3
Me again - decided not to progress with the masochist girl. Sounded like too much effort


Anyways, if you couldn't tell already I'm pretty shit with girls (unless it involves drink, then I'm fine) I've been at a new job for 6 months and there's this girl who works there (I say girl, she's like in her 20's). Well she doesn't work there as such - she's the cleaner,lol

She's stunning but I dont know her name and wouldn't mind getting to know her better. Thing is, like I said earlier, I'm shit when it comes to approaching girls. I usually only see her when I'm leaving too...

How would you suggest going about it ?
There's no pre-determined plan, mate. Generally just go with your feelings, and don't let anything stop you. Just don't overthink anything.

What I tend to do is just say hello or smile or whatever from the start, then progress slowly (this should only be used on a girl you know you will see again). Start up a conversation about some bollocks, and when you do get talking make sure and keep her talking.
When you get to that stage, all you have to remember (this is from my own experiences), is that girls really like a carefree, happy, funny guy.
Loads of awkward silences? Move along. Girls guard their feelings at the beginning (unless they're psycho), so don't look for any signs. If she's not into you, you'll know for sure; if you aren't sure, then she probably is into you. Also, if you do ask her out, make it clear it's a date - flirt, be cheeky (not overly), just don't be direct about anything, and DON'T speak about any bloody ex's, it's waaaaay too soon for that. Be a gentleman as well - hold doors open for her etc. If you get nervous about the first date, make it a drink-date, that will loosen you up as well as cover a LOT of ground in the "getting to know each other" department. Even the nicest, most innocent girls will open up while drunk, on a date. My ex girlfriend thought of kissing as something really special, and she gave it up on our drink-date. Haw haw.
Most of the above rules (well, all of them) are allowed to be broken by her btw, so don't overthink that either. Basically, just don't think at all LOL. And don't bloody let anyone else influence you - make you get embarrassed, etc. Don't get embarrassed at all, CONFIDENCE and NO THINKING. This is all based on what I remember, I don't really plan this shit out, it just happens. I naturally know what's an awkward conversation and shit like that, I don't really have to think; so if you can get like that, yer sorted.

TL;DR?
Just be confident, and don't overthink it.
I think I write that in every *bleep*ing post LOL.

A man's worst enemy is his own conscious thought, especially if he gives it too much time.



Author:   The Perfect Skies
Date:   Sep 28, 12 at 5:38am (PST)
Subject:   re: Dating: Asking, Conflicts, relationships, and Tips 2011c
-------------------------------------------
Hey guys,

Just want some advice on my current situation.

So I went to stay with my mate for the weekend (he lives about a 10 minute train ride from me) and I met his house mate. Now after spending the weekend with her as well, I realised that I kinda really liked her, we got on really well and have been texting and stuff since. I plucked up the courage to ask her out for a drink. She replied saying that she's just gotten out of a relationship so wants to stay single for a bit. Although it would still be great to hang out as friends.

Now it could be that I've been out of 'the game' for so long, but I'm not really sure what that means? I really like this girl but I'm entirely happy to hang out with her as friends. Obviously I'd have the intention of asking her again when she's 'ready'.

Anyhoo enough of my ramblings, I guess i just want clarity on what I should be saying in response to her, and how to best continue treating her as a friend. Because in all honesty hanging out with her and spending time with her as friends means a ridiculous amount to me.

Thanks Guys!



Author:   Misty
Date:   Sep 28, 12 at 11:56pm (PST)
Subject:   re: Dating: Asking, Conflicts, relationships, and Tips 2011c
-------------------------------------------
Her saying she wants to stay single for a while could be a variety of things. Most likely, it's her way of saying she's either outright not interested, or isn't quite sure yet, and regardless of why she's saying it, it means you should see other people and keep your options open while getting to know her. Personally I tell guys that I want to stay single for a while if I want to get to know them better, but I'm also generally pretty reserved about actually committing to somone or even taking them seriously at all (I'm not sure if I'm in the majority there?), but I'm also the type to be pretty up-front if I'm not interested beyond friendship which isn't always such a common trait.

Basically, if you want to be friends either way go for that. If she becomes interested, she'll make her interest known, but don't count on her deciding she wants you either. Don't fall into the pseudo-nice guy that's not-so-subtly actually hoping for sex/dating/a relationship by being overly available and doting on her, though. It should be friends, as in treat her like you do your guy friends, not "friends" but only because you want to get the girl in the end.



Author:   The Perfect Skies
Date:   Sep 29, 12 at 5:46am (PST)
Subject:   re: Dating: Asking, Conflicts, relationships, and Tips 2011c
-------------------------------------------
Thanks Misty! My take on it was that she wasn't just saying that she was outright not interested. But tbh that could just be me trying to find stuff in what she said. Fortunately i'm not really the kind of guy who makes friends just to satisfy my ulterior motives so I guess I've got that going for me! Just gonna get to know her more and stay friends!

I'll let you know if there's any more developments or if I need any more advice (which tbh is quite likely)



Author:   MyShilohMy
Date:   Oct 05, 12 at 5:01pm (PST)
Subject:   re: Dating: Asking, Conflicts, relationships, and Tips 2011c
-------------------------------------------
So I met this girl in my school. We have a lot in common and we always ask each other to hang out, and we usually do. I can't tell if she likes me or not. I haven't known her that long but she seems like the silly, outgoing type that has more guy friends than girls. She has touched me a few times, like in the chest or arms. This could be absolutely nothing...but at the same time I don't know of many female friends of mine who would touch me there and mean it 'as a friend'.

The thing that is making me wonder is when we got done hanging out she asked if I wanted to make friday lunches our 'thing' that we do every week. Is this a sign of wanting to just be friends or is she into me? I've asked her to come over to my place and she said she really wants to but she is busy (we both are music majors and work...I get the busy part)

Is there any advice anyone would recommend as to how to find out how she feels? Should I just tell her how I feel and see how it goes?



Author:   Lazzara
Date:   Oct 06, 12 at 5:54pm (PST)
Subject:   re: Dating: Asking, Conflicts, relationships, and Tips 2011c
-------------------------------------------
just make Friday lunch as your thing, and see where you'll end up with. It'd be pretty obvious when you spend enough time together.


Anyway, i also need an advice.

This girl bails on me 2 weeks in a row, though with good reasons (or so I thought).

We were supposed to come to a show last week, but she bailed on me because she had to go to out of town for an event. Yesterday, I asked her if she wanted to hang out, and she said "tomorrow perhaps!". I asked her earlier today, and she told me that she's got a dinner with her sorority.

The first flake I could sort of understand, because it's probably not worth skipping the event to see a concert with me. Not sure about the second one, especially when she tried to set up a date only to bail on me. Though I can also understand that the dinner is probably more important than hanging out with me.

But what should I do?

I just played it off as if I understood (and I do, lol), but I'm not sure if I should tell her that I'm not content with the fact that she bailed on me twice in a row, or should I just pretend that everything's okay?

We hooked up 3 weeks ago, we know it wasn't supposed to happen. I feel things got really weird after we hooked up, though. Hence why I'm trying to set up a date (not really a date) so we can just talk about it & hang out as friends.



Author:   Wilhelm Ryan
Date:   Oct 06, 12 at 7:00pm (PST)
Subject:   re: Dating: Asking, Conflicts, relationships, and Tips 2011c
-------------------------------------------
Lazzara

Usually when a chick bails on you like that, but still tries to set something up, she genuinely couldn't make it or she's just nervous as all hell, but actually does want to hang out with you.

Explain this hookup to me a bit more. Why wasn't it supposed to happen? What was said after it, and did you see her again after?

Hard to say since I don't know the whole story, but sounds like she could even be a bit uncomfortable, and thinks you just want to hang out to hook up again. Or maybe she really liked it, wants it again, but is scared of it.


Copyright Neo Era Media, Inc. 1999-2014.
All Rights Reserved.