Neoseeker.com Forum Thread: Dating: Asking, Conflicts, relationships, and Tips 2011c - page 22

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Author:   ChiroVette
Date:   Jun 24, 12 at 5:46pm (PST)
Subject:   re: Dating: Asking, Conflicts, relationships, and Tips 2011c
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quote Praetorian_Lord
...So our conclusion is that dating and relationships are highly subjective, situation-dependent, dependent on the individuals and personalities concerned, and no sweeping generalisations will apply to every given situation - particularly those given by internet geeks with very little experience of real-word relationships.

Good call.
Well, if that were truly the case, then I could close down this thread, now couldn't I?



Author:   Praetorian_Lord
Date:   Jun 24, 12 at 5:50pm (PST)
Subject:   re: Dating: Asking, Conflicts, relationships, and Tips 2011c
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quote Narphinean
You're assuming a lot there.

Am I though? That wasn't directed at anyone in particular, but I think it's generally true. In either event, the point's that if you don't know what to do in your situation, then people who've never met you or your significant other are unlikely to do any better.

quote ChiroVette
Well, if that were truly the case, then I could close down this thread, now couldn't I?
I guess if it makes people feel better, they can knock themselves out. Gives them someone other than themselves to blame if/when things go wrong.



Author:   ChiroVette
Date:   Jun 24, 12 at 5:59pm (PST)
Subject:   re: Dating: Asking, Conflicts, relationships, and Tips 2011c
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Praetorian_Lord, with all due respect, I think you have a particularly jaded view of the ability of people to help one another, yes, even over the Internet. Now, I would agree with you that if someone has something cool to teach socially, such as how to exude confidence and be better with women, that in person would be a far better vehicle than online. I would also say that most people are pretty dense, so whether the "good advice" comes to them from a message forum or a real life best friend, that the vast majority of people simply never learn. They are far too ensconced in their own limited and limiting realities to be bothered to ever venture out long enough to gain the social confidence that I or others are speaking of.

However, I do firmly believe that there are enough well intentioned and knowledgeable people who actually can teach something socially, that there are enough open-minded people willing to learn from them, and that the Internet (or more specifically this forum) can absolutely be an effective vehicle.

This does not invalidate your point, which I believe is that most people either cannot teach or are not willing to learn. I think it does, however, temper it a little.



Author:   Praetorian_Lord
Date:   Jun 24, 12 at 6:14pm (PST)
Subject:   re: Dating: Asking, Conflicts, relationships, and Tips 2011c
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Yeah, maybe. Don't get me wrong, I do recognise that an outsider's perspective can help sometimes. I just don't get what qualifies some users to make the comments that they do, dishing out potentially harmful advice because all women are like this, or there's no such thing as female logic. With that sort of approach, it doesn't come as any surprise that the majority of people using this thread are males with serious relationship problems.

Notice, for instance, that it's always the fault of the love interest? She's a bitch. You've been friend-zoned. Women prefer confident dickheads to nice introverts. It couldn't possibly be that she just, y'know, doesn't think as much of you as you clearly think of yourself?





Author:   Lazzara
Date:   Jun 24, 12 at 7:02pm (PST)
Subject:   re: Dating: Asking, Conflicts, relationships, and Tips 2011c
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maybe just maybe because most people here happen to be males, and most people tend to be more biased to their gender.

if you went to any other forum where female is the dominant figure, im sure you'd see plenty of "men are jerks" or "they're dick heads" or "they just want to use you for sex" type of posts everywhere. but at the end of the day, the core of the problem is rather similar. s/he's just not that into you. most people just love to put blame on others without knowing that they are the problem - and i don't think it's exclusive to one gender or another. we just tend to see more "she's a bitch" type of post here because simply male is the dominant gender on this website.

and you're assuming a lot there too. this isn't the 90s, even internet geeks can learn plenty using other's experience.



Author:   Misty
Date:   Jun 25, 12 at 12:07am (PST)
Subject:   re: Dating: Asking, Conflicts, relationships, and Tips 2011c
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quote ChiroVette
quote Narphinean
Well, I don't know about aloofness... but yeah, confidence is key.
The problem with being "aloof" or the strong, silent type is that MOST of the guys trying simply can't pull it off. in a nutshell, here is my problem with the approach of the guy walking through a club trying to be all "James Bond", playing his personality all stoic and close to the belt: THIS ONLY WORKS IF YOU LOOK LIKE JAMES BOND! lol

I am serous. The guy who is extremely good looking to the point where he looks like he stepped off the cover of GQ can pull this one off, because, in a sense, "less personality" is better for him because women swoon when he simply walks in. The same is true if you're less good looking or even ugly, but you are a rock star or Bill Gates. For most guys, say guys like me, who aren't model good looking, personality and doing the most with what you have looks-wise is where the balance is struck.

Men only respond to looks, for the most part. Yes, we are FAR MORE shallow creatures than women are, don't let anyone tell you different. lol Now women respond to looks as well, BUT most women are far more open to an "attrative personality" say, than men are. So it stands to reason that if the whole aloof, James Bond thing is going to work for a man, like I said, he had damned well better look like Brad Pitt or James Bond!

quote Narphinean
It makes me uncomfortable when I'm talking to a guy who's not confident, mostly because then it shuts down any chance at a normal conversation. Plus, then it makes it clear that the guy's only talking to me because he wants a date or whatever but can't actually get around to asking for it.

This is gold, right here, guys! You're getting it right from a woman who knows exactly what she likes and is being honest about it. She is NOT pandering to your insecurities by telling you stupidity like, "Just be yourself and talk to her and buy her stuff!" What she is telling you is precisely what, in my opinion, triggers attraction to men in women. I would take her advice on this to heart if you're not doing as well with women as you might like!

quote Narphinean
Also, if you're not confident in your flirtation skills don't try to hit on her. Being charming is one thing, but flirting is quite another. If you try to flirt with a girl who's not attracted to you, she'll shut you down right then and there. I know it sounds stupid, but it's better to just be friendly than risk becoming that guy who can't flirt. You'll at least leave a better impression that way.

This I disagree with. My experience is that, while I used to ALWAYS try to spark attraction at the outset of an interaction with women, I don't do that now, at least not consciously anymore. I rely on charm, wit, and a very outgoing, warm personality. BUT, here's the thing: I am a natural flirt and I flirt without regard to whether or not I think a woman is interested in me. Why? Because I honestly don't give a shit if she is giving me signs of being attracted to me or not. I flirt and act charming and outgoing because I enjoy being that way. If a girl likes it, great, if not, then too bad. I mean if a girl were to ever say "please stop flirting with me," (which I can't remember ever happening) I would probably make fun of her or just laugh at her and then flirt with her friend, or the waitress/bartender.

Seriously, though, in my experience, women simply flirt back with me almost no matter what! Guess what? Even married women and women with boyfriends who are not going to go out with me. Why? Because flirting is fun, sexy, and feels good. I will also say, categorically, that I make it very easy (and this is important!!) and very safe for a woman to be flirty with me, because I am not one of those guys riddled with expectation that just because you are flirting with me means we are going home together! So I don't know, maybe women just intrinsically feel safer with me for whatever reason because I put out a cool vibe without any strings or expectations attached to it.

Hell, Misty and I are good friends on here, and though we haven't spoke on the phone or texted in a while, whenever we talk on the phone, I am flirtatious with her. Now she lives like ten states away from me, I think she has a boyfriend or is seeing someone (or at least was last time we talked) but you know what? I don't care, and either does she. It is harmless, fun, and she is someone I consider to be a good friend. She has never said to me, "Paul, stop flirting with me because I am seeing someone!!" Because she knows I am just being my normal and strange self and not trying to bed her or steal her from her man.

I think what you are saying here, however, is true basically, BUT if a guy is really confident and isn't too concerned with the outcome of any interaction that happens to be going on at the moment, then he can throw all this out the window and just have fun. However, where your advice (that I just disagreed with) is applicable is when a guy is not that confident and needs a sort of a safety net because getting shut down by a girl is devastating to his self-esteem and will shut his whole social evening down.

But say you were in a bar or hell, in a bookstore (or whatever) and I was flirting with you, not at all concerned about whether you like me or are attracted to me or not. Then, even if you are a total bitch to me, who cares? I mean, maybe you are just a bitch. Or maybe you are a really nice girl who just got hit on by two dozen idiots in a row and you just can't be bothered with another guy, so even if my personality is good, my timing, in your case is all wrong. Hell, maybe you're just having a bad day and it's nothing personal. Or maybe you just don't like me.

But my point is, NONE of that matters to me. If we talk, I flirt with you or am just charming, as you suggest (though for me, quite honestly, the two are one in the same and I don't compartmentalize them in my personality) and we hit it off, then we continue to get to know one another. Maybe it leads to a date, maybe a kiss, maybe a friendship, sex, or whatever. If we don't hit it off, then I have lost nothing because I will probably never see you again!

This is where I think guys need a reality check, but that is a whole other conversation.
Like I'd tell you to quit flirting with me. Gotta have a backup plan, after all. ;P Oh, wait, I mean ZOMG STOP FLIRTING WITH ME I HAVE A BOYFRIEND ALREADY!

Seriously though, this is all quoted for truth. There's nothing wrong at all with just going up to people and chattering with them. I do what could be considered flirting with people all the time, and I have a serious boyfriend. Does it mean I want to bed them? Not at all. People are attracted to fun, playful people who aren't overly dramatic for the most part. Who wants to be super serious right away? Ultimately dating and getting to know someone is primarily about fun for both people, and there's really no need to be serious about everyone until you've grown relatively close to them and want to.

Awkward people who are looking to talk to you because they want sex/a relationship/anything in particular are usually pretty glaringly obvious, and it's a turn off for both friendships and dating material. A great example is a friend of mine from school; he ignores me for months on end, basically acts like we don't know each other but texts on occasion. I gave up on even trying to be friends and stopped contacting him, and out of the blue months later he wants to get together. I agree, and after briefly (and awkwardly, tbh) catching up he starts talking about how nobody else would hang out with him so he figured he'd give me a call. It's a really obvious example, but people who just want something from you are usually pretty apparent (and guys that are just looking for dates/sex/relationships are even more blindingly obvious, in fairness), in this case he just was lonely and I was basically a last resort to hang out with. It's no less trashy when guys act like that when it comes to relationships. And that's exactly where the "men are jerks that just want sex" attitude a lot of girls comes from; frankly, a lot of guys don't take the laid-back approach and are very ends-focused. Reframe things, focus on the means and just have a good time.

Side note: Frankly, the James Bond approach is overrated even in model-looking guys. I'd rather have a guy with a vivacious personality and average to slightly above average looks than a fantastic looking guy who's got a block of wood for a brain and is cold. Guys like that are almost as big a turn-off as ones that reek of desperation or just act like they want something.



Author:   smarti3
Date:   Jul 07, 12 at 11:52am (PST)
Subject:   re: Dating: Asking, Conflicts, relationships, and Tips 2011c
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There's a friend of mine and I've know her ever since we were younger. We're quite close I guess and she tells me a lot of things (shit in her life, relationships etc.)

As far as my heads concerned, I dont think I fancy her. Yes she's pretty and kinda cute but... I dont know. The last two boyfriends she's had I just feel really jealous. I don't really know why and I cant explain it myself, I just feel confused emotionally.

I know nobody can really answer for me but would you say that's a sign of liking someone ? . Even her mum's said things like "Oh, imagine what you two would be like together"



Author:   SquallyBalambGirl
Date:   Jul 08, 12 at 1:49am (PST)
Subject:   re: Dating: Asking, Conflicts, relationships, and Tips 2011c
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First of all, ignore what other people say about you and the girl. People say stuff like that about me and any guy friends that they see me close with. I don't know for sure how I feel about those guy friends sometimes either, but I do know for sure that people like to say things like that whenever they see a guy and a girl who are close.

There is no definition of liking someone. It is purely what you feel. And for me, I know that I like someone if I keep thinking about them all the time, if I become irrationally happy when they contact me in any way, if anything I encounter reminds me of them, if I wanna help them with anything, if I am willing to sacrifice my time (which I am always short on) for them, etc...

And finally, I know for myself that if I have to ask myself the question that you are asking, then I definitely do not like him. Maybe you like her physically, but not her personality, as a gf anyway?



Author:   SilentScream
Date:   Jul 11, 12 at 1:08pm (PST)
Subject:   re: Dating: Asking, Conflicts, relationships, and Tips 2011c
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So I met this chick off of plenty of fish the other day. She seems cool and lives locally. We're taking it slow, talking on Facebook and crap like that.

We haven't met, yet, but we're going to this Friday.

Any advice yo?



Author:   Bin Sponge
Date:   Jul 11, 12 at 1:42pm (PST)
Subject:   re: Dating: Asking, Conflicts, relationships, and Tips 2011c
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quote SilentScream
So I met this chick off of plenty of fish the other day. She seems cool and lives locally. We're taking it slow, talking on Facebook and crap like that.

We haven't met, yet, but we're going to this Friday.

Any advice yo?
Do not go to the cinema. This is the best bit of advice I can give to anyone going on a "first date" as you are both sat in silence rather than finding out how well you actually get along.



Author:   Wo Daddy Wo
Date:   Jul 11, 12 at 3:17pm (PST)
Subject:   re: Dating: Asking, Conflicts, relationships, and Tips 2011c
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quote SilentScream
Any advice yo?
Don't ask her what she wants to do! Suggest something, anything first and see if she goes for it. Act like you're in charge and driving the ship. Nothing worse than two lost souls staring at each other and babbling:

I don't care, what do you want to do??? I don't know, what do you want to do, etc....



Author:   Winter1
Date:   Jul 11, 12 at 4:02pm (PST)
Subject:   re: Dating: Asking, Conflicts, relationships, and Tips 2011c
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A restaurant is good place to go, depending on what the restaurant serves get a couple of dishes that are meant for sharing, it gets you both more involved and gives you something to talk about that seems natural to the situation.

This may be a simple one but smiling helps a lot to, shows you to be positive and women are more likely to respond positively to you overall if you and your body language are happy, smiley and approachable.



Author:   SquallyBalambGirl
Date:   Jul 11, 12 at 8:26pm (PST)
Subject:   re: Dating: Asking, Conflicts, relationships, and Tips 2011c
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quote Winter1
This may be a simple one but smiling helps a lot to, shows you to be positive and women are more likely to respond positively to you overall if you and your body language are happy, smiley and approachable.
And just as the way you smile with your guy friends, you don't want to over do it with the smiles. It would come of as trying-too-hard and fake! Just be happy and the smile will naturally come out . Also, even though you might have a lot you want to know about her, don't ask questions as if you're interrogating her (i.e. asking a bunch of random and unrelated questions about her as if you're interviewing her).

Take her by the beach, or a park, and have a nice walk in the evening. I think any girl would like that unless she is allergic to air.



Author:   Kedjown
Date:   Jul 12, 12 at 2:01am (PST)
Subject:   re: Dating: Asking, Conflicts, relationships, and Tips 2011c
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quote SilentScream
So I met this chick off of plenty of fish the other day. She seems cool and lives locally. We're taking it slow, talking on Facebook and crap like that.

We haven't met, yet, but we're going to this Friday.

Any advice yo?
Go for a drink. Every first date I've been on, we went to a pub. It helps relax if you're feeling tense, and helps her relax as well, and every time has been a winner for me, regardless of later events.

Also, I know everyone has heard this many times, but BE YOURSELF! Women love a charming, funny, sensitive and masculine man, but if you are few or none of these things, there's no point pretending. The only thing I've found that they like even more, is honesty and consistency. That, and happiness, if you show how happy you are with yourself, then they want to b part of that happiness.

What I usually do is ask questions about her career, and show interest in shit she talks about, then talk about your own shit and how much you love it and love your life and stuff.

Sorry about the paragraphs, I got a bit carried away, I'm advising my friend on a first date too, he hasn't went on one in a while.



Author:   Aether
Date:   Jul 24, 12 at 4:05pm (PST)
Subject:   re: Dating: Asking, Conflicts, relationships, and Tips 2011c
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I normally don't post in threads like this, but none of my real life friends are actually replying to my desperate texts and facebook messages. 3:

So, me and this girl I have liked ever since I first layed eyes on her have been hanging out for quite a while. I take her to the cinema and to restaurants, until it's the time where I feel it's right for me to ask her out again (I ask her out about a year and a half ago, but obviously she said no). She already knows how I feel about her, because I wrote it in her high school year book.

So yesterday, we went to see The Dark Knight Rises. When I picked her up, she said she had recently had a huge argument with one of her best boy mates, because he felt she wasn't be appreciative. She said to him that she did appreciate that stuff, but didn't want to ruin that relationship by dating him, as he wasn't her type. Before the movie came on, we were talking, and she asked me "If you were really close friends with someone, and they kept doing nice things for you, would you give them a shot?" I said that for me, it would depend on the situation. She said she agrees with me.

So when I took her home, that conversation started again. And I said to her again, "Would you give it a shot?" And she said "What, with me and you?" I said "Just in general, but yeah." She said she didn't know, but she didn't want to ruin the good relationship we already had. She's never had a boyfriend before, so she wants it to be a special thing to her. She did say though she's thought about it before, long and hard. She also said she has to stop friend-zoning people.

Do you think I've got a chance? Do you think I could persuade her to give it a shot with me?



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