Neoseeker.com Forum Thread: Dating: Asking, Conflicts, relationships, and Tips 2011c - page 21

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Author:   Kedjown
Date:   Jun 08, 12 at 2:58am (PST)
Subject:   re: Dating: Asking, Conflicts, relationships, and Tips 2011c
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Dark Knight47
When was the last time you met? Because texting, phone calls, skype, it is all incomparable to a physical meeting. The problem many people have is that they discuss their problems through technology (above named), and don't get the added notion of physically being with the person you love and/or care for. I didn't read the tl;dr version, so I'm basing my answer off this post, fyi.

What you have to understand, what is it you're actually after? Do you really love her, or are you just a "knight in shining armour", who will lose interest as soon as she doesn't need any help and is no longer a "damsel in distress"? Or do you just want her because you can't or shouldn't have her?
Ask yourself this, very seriously, and decide what the answer is.

If you really do love her (and not just want her), then you should do what I wrote in the first paragraph, and physically go and meet with her, alone. Discuss your feelings, but don't come across desperate or whatever, just be yourself. Don't ask direct questions either, just spend time with her and "slip in" bits and bobs, and don't dare start a big speech about love and how you'd die for her or whatever, that reeks of desperation.

You should go see my bloody story about being in a relationship with a woman who's been in an abusive relationship by the way, it's no easy ride.

Good luck my man.



Author:   Wilhelm Ryan
Date:   Jun 08, 12 at 5:22am (PST)
Subject:   re: Dating: Asking, Conflicts, relationships, and Tips 2011c
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Dark Knight47

Indeed, I did date. Twice. Both lasted about two weeks, bwaha. Both were girls that asked me out though, I didn't actually go out looking for someone to date. I did go and send the message regardless... but she doesn't get on Facebook very often (once or twice a week at the most) so I'm just kinda waiting for a response.

And the reason we broke up was, from what she said, it was her senior year. She didn't know what she was doing or where she would be living after school ended; at the time I thought it was kind of just a bullshit excuse, just to say something, but I guess not. But like I said in my original post, I think the whole thing that happened with her sister and her sister's boyfriend had a factor in it as well.



Author:   Dark Knight47
Date:   Jun 08, 12 at 8:36am (PST)
Subject:   re: Dating: Asking, Conflicts, relationships, and Tips 2011c
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Kedjown

The link was a song, so no troubles there. I read your post and I would say it fits her ex well; she realized that she even changed herself to fit the relationship. I'll go as far as to thank you for posting that and doing that footwork for me, as there is a good chance I may use pieces of it in the future.

As far as seeing her in person, bah! After nearly dying to an EBV I had to move back a few hundred miles away to live with my dad again, so I'd say the last time I saw her was early May. To be honest though, the more I think about it the easier it is to just brush this off. Logic would say that I'm just playing the "White Knight" role, which in turn makes me like her (psychology would say this is true). I've also decided that I might just like the idea of her instead of the the actual person (she's like the girl version of me, just six months in the past. I wasn't in an abusive relationship, but the one major relationship I was in did blow up worse than the Hindenberg) . All the same my brain keeps telling me to murder the current boyfriend. Alpha male and all that (this is when the tl;dr version works very well).

Wilhelm Ryan

Welp, yea. I would say messaging her would be for the best. I see no harm in it (again seeking closure at the very least). Since you already have, there isn't much else to say.





Author:   Kedjown
Date:   Jun 08, 12 at 9:11am (PST)
Subject:   re: Dating: Asking, Conflicts, relationships, and Tips 2011c
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Dark Knight47
If this is all long distance, she's with another guy (which evidently tells me she moved on way too quickly, especially from an abusive relationship, which in itself means she clung on to that abusive guy no matter how bad it got), and tells you that she doesn't feel like that about you anymore (whether she does or not, she doesn't want to, based on this statement alone, and doesn't want to lose you as a friend), then you have to keep this "relationship" platonic. Which means cutting all contact, not necessarily as a permanent move, but certainly for now and the near future. Both of you need time to clear your heads for a couple of months, and there is no more you can do for her right now without hurting yourself in the process. Every text, every phone call, every piece of contact in any way reminds you of your feelings for her, and you need that to stop right now. Just make sure you cut out everything that will remind you of her, and go about your daily business as a single guy. If any friends or whatever ask you about how it's going with this girl, just say something like "oh man, that was some bad shit that I just don't need" or some such; this alone will help you accept it subconsciously. You should probably tell her your reasons for cutting contact, but try not to feel sorry for her if she feels sad about it.
Doing this alone will make her realise how wrong she was to let you go. That's relevant for the future, though, if you ever happen to feel like getting together some time. Just not right now, trust me.

Love sucks sometimes, no matter the shape or form it comes in. You will have learnt something about yourself from this though, and based on that alone, you can call it a win.



Author:   The Money
Date:   Jun 09, 12 at 2:32am (PST)
Subject:   re: Dating: Asking, Conflicts, relationships, and Tips 2011c
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Long distance is hard, harder than I thought it would be, and the fact I'm strong enough to get through it amazes me every day, I guess it's the knowledge that it will all be worth it in the long run gets me through it!



Author:   Dark Knight47
Date:   Jun 09, 12 at 9:07pm (PST)
Subject:   re: Dating: Asking, Conflicts, relationships, and Tips 2011c
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Wow. She did not like the idea of us taking a break from each other until at least the end of the summer. As a matter of fact, this was the angriest I've ever made her. I'm going to stick with it (which will suck in itself), but I'm not sure why she freaked.



Author:   Lazzara
Date:   Jun 12, 12 at 3:37am (PST)
Subject:   re: Dating: Asking, Conflicts, relationships, and Tips 2011c
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> Claims doesn't like you anymore
> Gets angry when you stop talking her

Drum roll pls














#womenlogic



Author:   Kedjown
Date:   Jun 14, 12 at 4:24pm (PST)
Subject:   re: Dating: Asking, Conflicts, relationships, and Tips 2011c
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quote Lazzara
> Claims doesn't like you anymore
> Gets angry when you stop talking her

Drum roll pls














#womenlogic
HORMONES

I don't think any one man could ever understand any given woman, not even after a thousand years.



Author:   M_N_M48060
Date:   Jun 14, 12 at 8:52pm (PST)
Subject:   re: Dating: Asking, Conflicts, relationships, and Tips 2011c
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Dark Knight. It sounds like you have been friend zoned to me.



Author:   Shinobi_razor
Date:   Jun 22, 12 at 6:47pm (PST)
Subject:   re: Dating: Asking, Conflicts, relationships, and Tips 2011c
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alright guys. haven't been in TL in a while so thought id ask a question maybe someone can answer for me. possibly a chick since i (and i assume other guys) really have no effing clue what goes on in their heads. i'm not even convinced THEY know whats going on in their own heads. anyway:

i am not fat at all (fairly slender) and i'm not what i would consider "ugly" by normal societal terms (not super good looking either), yet women just don't seem to like me like AT ALL. you know, beyond the normal friendliness\politeness that is typical. i have always been a bit shy face-to-face with chicks and don't always know what to say, and probably end up saying something either corny or something that doesn't really make sense or whatever. but i know other guys that are fairly reserved and not super outgoing like me and yet have girlfriends. i've never really asked a girl to go out before, but i've asked things like the typical "so do you wanna hang out sometime?" and usually get the "well, i'm kinda busy" or some such excuse. i thought most women were all about trying to find their soulmate and getting married ASAP, now it seems like men are more looking for that and women are just out to have fun. is it just me, or do women make no sense whatsoever?

so i don't know what i'm doing wrong or what to do really. one of my fears is staying single for the rest of my life. i'm *bleep*ing 27, which i know is really sad but it is what it is. guess i'm a total loser but whatever. any help?



Author:   MickeyBlueEyes
Date:   Jun 23, 12 at 11:56am (PST)
Subject:   re: Dating: Asking, Conflicts, relationships, and Tips 2011c
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quote Shinobi_razor
alright guys. haven't been in TL in a while so thought id ask a question maybe someone can answer for me. possibly a chick since i (and i assume other guys) really have no effing clue what goes on in their heads. i'm not even convinced THEY know whats going on in their own heads. anyway:

i am not fat at all (fairly slender) and i'm not what i would consider "ugly" by normal societal terms (not super good looking either), yet women just don't seem to like me like AT ALL. you know, beyond the normal friendliness\politeness that is typical. i have always been a bit shy face-to-face with chicks and don't always know what to say, and probably end up saying something either corny or something that doesn't really make sense or whatever. but i know other guys that are fairly reserved and not super outgoing like me and yet have girlfriends. i've never really asked a girl to go out before, but i've asked things like the typical "so do you wanna hang out sometime?" and usually get the "well, i'm kinda busy" or some such excuse. i thought most women were all about trying to find their soulmate and getting married ASAP, now it seems like men are more looking for that and women are just out to have fun. is it just me, or do women make no sense whatsoever?

so i don't know what i'm doing wrong or what to do really. one of my fears is staying single for the rest of my life. i'm *bleep*ing 27, which i know is really sad but it is what it is. guess i'm a total loser but whatever. any help?

If there's one tip I can give, it's confidence. Next time you want to ask a girl out, try being fairly forward about it and see how it goes. Ask for her number or if she's interested in going out sometime. I know it's difficult to avoid being "shy" in entirety, but talk to her like you would a good friend or something. Act like she's not a female (besides the usual manners) and be aloof. Smile a lot, make eye contact. Be chivalrous.

If you're worried in any way about confidence issues, just try to boost your own self-esteem a bit. Maybe buy a couple new outfits for yourself, get a haircut. Buy some new cologne.

Girls are all about aloofness, man. Just act completely like you're not intimidated by them, be confident with yourself, and you should be just fine. Turn up the charisma a wee bit, and throw some playfulness out there in conversation.


Also, hygiene. Clip your nails and wash your hair! Everything comes out in the wash from there.



Author:   Narphinean
Date:   Jun 23, 12 at 12:27pm (PST)
Subject:   re: Dating: Asking, Conflicts, relationships, and Tips 2011c
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Well, I don't know about aloofness... but yeah, confidence is key. It makes me uncomfortable when I'm talking to a guy who's not confident, mostly because then it shuts down any chance at a normal conversation. Plus, then it makes it clear that the guy's only talking to me because he wants a date or whatever but can't actually get around to asking for it.

Also, if you're not confident in your flirtation skills don't try to hit on her. Being charming is one thing, but flirting is quite another. If you try to flirt with a girl who's not attracted to you, she'll shut you down right then and there. I know it sounds stupid, but it's better to just be friendly than risk becoming that guy who can't flirt. You'll at least leave a better impression that way.




Author:   ChiroVette
Date:   Jun 24, 12 at 5:12pm (PST)
Subject:   re: Dating: Asking, Conflicts, relationships, and Tips 2011c
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quote Narphinean
Well, I don't know about aloofness... but yeah, confidence is key.
The problem with being "aloof" or the strong, silent type is that MOST of the guys trying simply can't pull it off. in a nutshell, here is my problem with the approach of the guy walking through a club trying to be all "James Bond", playing his personality all stoic and close to the belt: THIS ONLY WORKS IF YOU LOOK LIKE JAMES BOND! lol

I am serous. The guy who is extremely good looking to the point where he looks like he stepped off the cover of GQ can pull this one off, because, in a sense, "less personality" is better for him because women swoon when he simply walks in. The same is true if you're less good looking or even ugly, but you are a rock star or Bill Gates. For most guys, say guys like me, who aren't model good looking, personality and doing the most with what you have looks-wise is where the balance is struck.

Men only respond to looks, for the most part. Yes, we are FAR MORE shallow creatures than women are, don't let anyone tell you different. lol Now women respond to looks as well, BUT most women are far more open to an "attrative personality" say, than men are. So it stands to reason that if the whole aloof, James Bond thing is going to work for a man, like I said, he had damned well better look like Brad Pitt or James Bond!

quote Narphinean
It makes me uncomfortable when I'm talking to a guy who's not confident, mostly because then it shuts down any chance at a normal conversation. Plus, then it makes it clear that the guy's only talking to me because he wants a date or whatever but can't actually get around to asking for it.

This is gold, right here, guys! You're getting it right from a woman who knows exactly what she likes and is being honest about it. She is NOT pandering to your insecurities by telling you stupidity like, "Just be yourself and talk to her and buy her stuff!" What she is telling you is precisely what, in my opinion, triggers attraction to men in women. I would take her advice on this to heart if you're not doing as well with women as you might like!

quote Narphinean
Also, if you're not confident in your flirtation skills don't try to hit on her. Being charming is one thing, but flirting is quite another. If you try to flirt with a girl who's not attracted to you, she'll shut you down right then and there. I know it sounds stupid, but it's better to just be friendly than risk becoming that guy who can't flirt. You'll at least leave a better impression that way.

This I disagree with. My experience is that, while I used to ALWAYS try to spark attraction at the outset of an interaction with women, I don't do that now, at least not consciously anymore. I rely on charm, wit, and a very outgoing, warm personality. BUT, here's the thing: I am a natural flirt and I flirt without regard to whether or not I think a woman is interested in me. Why? Because I honestly don't give a shit if she is giving me signs of being attracted to me or not. I flirt and act charming and outgoing because I enjoy being that way. If a girl likes it, great, if not, then too bad. I mean if a girl were to ever say "please stop flirting with me," (which I can't remember ever happening) I would probably make fun of her or just laugh at her and then flirt with her friend, or the waitress/bartender.

Seriously, though, in my experience, women simply flirt back with me almost no matter what! Guess what? Even married women and women with boyfriends who are not going to go out with me. Why? Because flirting is fun, sexy, and feels good. I will also say, categorically, that I make it very easy (and this is important!!) and very safe for a woman to be flirty with me, because I am not one of those guys riddled with expectation that just because you are flirting with me means we are going home together! So I don't know, maybe women just intrinsically feel safer with me for whatever reason because I put out a cool vibe without any strings or expectations attached to it.

Hell, Misty and I are good friends on here, and though we haven't spoke on the phone or texted in a while, whenever we talk on the phone, I am flirtatious with her. Now she lives like ten states away from me, I think she has a boyfriend or is seeing someone (or at least was last time we talked) but you know what? I don't care, and either does she. It is harmless, fun, and she is someone I consider to be a good friend. She has never said to me, "Paul, stop flirting with me because I am seeing someone!!" Because she knows I am just being my normal and strange self and not trying to bed her or steal her from her man.

I think what you are saying here, however, is true basically, BUT if a guy is really confident and isn't too concerned with the outcome of any interaction that happens to be going on at the moment, then he can throw all this out the window and just have fun. However, where your advice (that I just disagreed with) is applicable is when a guy is not that confident and needs a sort of a safety net because getting shut down by a girl is devastating to his self-esteem and will shut his whole social evening down.

But say you were in a bar or hell, in a bookstore (or whatever) and I was flirting with you, not at all concerned about whether you like me or are attracted to me or not. Then, even if you are a total bitch to me, who cares? I mean, maybe you are just a bitch. Or maybe you are a really nice girl who just got hit on by two dozen idiots in a row and you just can't be bothered with another guy, so even if my personality is good, my timing, in your case is all wrong. Hell, maybe you're just having a bad day and it's nothing personal. Or maybe you just don't like me.

But my point is, NONE of that matters to me. If we talk, I flirt with you or am just charming, as you suggest (though for me, quite honestly, the two are one in the same and I don't compartmentalize them in my personality) and we hit it off, then we continue to get to know one another. Maybe it leads to a date, maybe a kiss, maybe a friendship, sex, or whatever. If we don't hit it off, then I have lost nothing because I will probably never see you again!

This is where I think guys need a reality check, but that is a whole other conversation.



Author:   Praetorian_Lord
Date:   Jun 24, 12 at 5:37pm (PST)
Subject:   re: Dating: Asking, Conflicts, relationships, and Tips 2011c
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...So our conclusion is that dating and relationships are highly subjective, situation-dependent, dependent on the individuals and personalities concerned, and no sweeping generalisations will apply to every given situation - particularly those given by internet geeks with very little experience of real-word relationships.

Good call.



Author:   Narphinean
Date:   Jun 24, 12 at 5:41pm (PST)
Subject:   re: Dating: Asking, Conflicts, relationships, and Tips 2011c
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quote Praetorian_Lord
...So our conclusion is that dating and relationships are highly subjective, situation-dependent, dependent on the individuals and personalities concerned, and no sweeping generalisations will apply to every given situation - particularly those given by internet geeks with very little experience of real-word relationships.

Good call.
You're assuming a lot there.



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