Author: Bri
Date: Apr 25, 12 at 8:51pm (PST)
Subject: re: Dating: Asking, Conflicts, relationships, and Tips 2011c
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quote Praetorian_LordNot a lot. People seem to tire of FWB quickly and toss them as soon as the next hot piece of ass shows up. That goes for both genders.Aside from guessing what goes on inside someone's head, though, how often does this actually happen?
quote LazzaraThat's exactly how I feel to a tee.i personally could not care any less. if she's not gonna reciprocate, then she's probably not worth my time.
However, I feel men and women can be great friends on a platonic level. I have several girls who know pretty much everything about me - and there has never been even a flirtatious glance from either party, and they are among my favorite people tbh.
All I'm saying is since it was my post that triggered this little friendzone party...the context in which I was posting to NegativeEnergy is that he seems to like this girl. He hadn't indicated he wanted her as a friend before I posted that. Off of MY experience, why should I make room in my hectic and busy life for another girl who I would love to date and get to know on an intimate level and refuses to open that door? I completely respect her choice not to accept me in that regard, but she needs to respect my wishes not to pursue a platonic relationship. I've already got my people for that as I indicated.
I'm looking for dates, fun and intimacy tbh. Not another Starbucks buddy. In the end, it's what each individual wants. If you want friendship after being shown the door, that's your decision and possibly the start of a great friendship. I just don't need that in my life right now, I've got it covered - MOST guys I think will agree with me here. I'd like to leave the room avail for the next girl I become interested in. Nothing personal.
Oh, and if the friend-zone involves breaking your back and getting nothing in return...sooner or later, the unrequited person wises up and moves on. True story.
Author: Misty
Date: Apr 25, 12 at 9:14pm (PST)
Subject: re: Dating: Asking, Conflicts, relationships, and Tips 2011c
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To be fair here, I've had guys that I friendzoned go from being decent guys to being total dicks overnight when I told them I wasn't interested in them. There's a huge difference between just peacing out and outright being an ass, and a lot of guys do cross that line if they're pissed that we're not interested. It's almost as if they did expect something in return for being nice, then are unhappy when they don't get what they expected (and it's usually pretty transparent when someone's just being nice to try to appeal), and it's a silly expectation.
Author: Willow Vampire
Date: Apr 26, 12 at 1:43am (PST)
Subject: re: Dating: Asking, Conflicts, relationships, and Tips 2011c
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quote LazzaraWell exactly - you said it yourself, not everyone is confident enough to speak up so why doesn't that apply to the girl? maybe she also doesn't have the courage to speak up and make it clear that they're just friends. That's even if she's 100% sure there are sexual intentions in the first place, which could be difficult. She might not want to speak up unless she's sure, and it's hard to be sure when the guy isn't saying anything either. So why is the girl in this situation a bitch - aren't they both as 'bad' as each other? nobody is forcing him to do these things, he is choosing to then getting pissed off because he expected something that the woman didn't ever agree to.But it doesn't make the other person has the right to take the advantage of the situation. Not everyone has the courage to say what they feel, hence why they'd rather try to show it through these gestures.
quote LazzaraMaybe it's just me then? I have never heard this phrase or anger directed at a guy in the reverse situation. I have however heard this happen countless times and the anger is always directed from guys to girls who are called bitches for not wanting to go out with them.it happens to every gender. again, it only seems to be more common in men because men are expected to start the process (asking out to a date, etc)
quote MistyThat's really *bleep*ing horrible, it's like they only valued you for what they could get out of you sexually rather than ever liking you as a person, yet you're seen as the bad party. This exactly demonstrates my point.To be fair here, I've had guys that I friendzoned go from being decent guys to being total dicks overnight when I told them I wasn't interested in them. There's a huge difference between just peacing out and outright being an ass, and a lot of guys do cross that line if they're pissed that we're not interested. It's almost as if they did expect something in return for being nice, then are unhappy when they don't get what they expected (and it's usually pretty transparent when someone's just being nice to try to appeal), and it's a silly expectation.
Author: Bri
Date: Apr 26, 12 at 5:51am (PST)
Subject: re: Dating: Asking, Conflicts, relationships, and Tips 2011c
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quote Willow VampireI guesstimate this to men being more direct, generally speaking. If forced to interact, I guarantee you some girls do treat a guy differently after rejection. I have first-hand knowledge of this. Just the other day, a girl who was interested in me in college but whom I flat out told I was not interested a year ago not only "forgot" to invite me to a party but somehow managed to invite the rest of my inner-circle. We've never had an issue other than the "attraction" issue, but ever since, she has not really shunned me entirely, but has sort of downgraded me in comparison to the rest of our mutual friends. She tends to use excuses such as "I'm too busy" and has flat out lied to me as to why she couldn't come out to some of my events/invitations (mutual friends confirmed this). I feel bad that I am treated second-rate because of a decision that I made and that she obviously hasn't gotten over it...but I have no regrets. I would have made her very unhappy, and vice-versa.Maybe it's just me then? I have never heard this phrase or anger directed at a guy in the reverse situation. I have however heard this happen countless times and the anger is always directed from guys to girls who are called bitches for not wanting to go out with them.
quoteTwo things:That's really *bleep*ing horrible, it's like they only valued you for what they could get out of you sexually rather than ever liking you as a person, yet you're seen as the bad party. This exactly demonstrates my point.
1. Not all guys are like that. I'm not like that. I simply say "we cannot be friends, and I apologize for that." No harm done, and I never contact them again. I am in a frat, so I hear this all the time about other girls...and it's disrespectful. Oh, and for you detailists...the girl I alluded to earlier was a platonic friend I had gotten close to, that's why I didn't shoo her off.
2. Men take rejections a LOT harder than girls. I'm not condoning treating the girl like trash but I can sympathize. It's tied into how much of a man we are and gender roles. Silly, but it's something that has held up in research. It's no fun being rejected no matter who you are.
Author: Lazzara
Date: Apr 26, 12 at 6:34am (PST)
Subject: re: Dating: Asking, Conflicts, relationships, and Tips 2011c
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quote Willow VampireReferring to my earlier post, I said both of them are at fault. Does it make it okay? Not really imo. The receiver has it easier because s/he's not blinded by the idea of falling in love, so I'd expect the receiver to be the bearer of bad news in this situation. Just my opinion, though.So why is the girl in this situation a bitch - aren't they both as 'bad' as each other? nobody is forcing him to do these things, he is choosing to then getting pissed off because he expected something that the woman didn't ever agree to.
quoteMaybe. I've seen plenty of girls (on facebook mostly, or otherwise) complain about how men suck because they didn't want to be exclusive, or how they're manwhores, etc. Not entirely the same thing, maybe, but it's a pretty similar concept.Maybe it's just me then? I have never heard this phrase or anger directed at a guy in the reverse situation. I have however heard this happen countless times and the anger is always directed from guys to girls who are called bitches for not wanting to go out with them.
quoteI'll just be blunt here. I'm not gonna deny the idea that men want only to have nothing more but sex, because it happens. There have been plenty of times where I see the case where men don't necessarily like the personality of the women, but they tried to put up with it anyway because of the prospect of sex. I really doubt they'd go through the hassle of putting up once the idea of sex is thrown out of the window. If I don't like your personality in the first place, and you have nothing to offer, why should i pursue a friendship with you? i've always thought the idea behind friends is mutual connection.That's really *bleep*ing horrible, it's like they only valued you for what they could get out of you sexually rather than ever liking you as a person, yet you're seen as the bad party. This exactly demonstrates my point.
But then there's a guy who has a genuine interest in you, and yet you've decided you want nothing but a friend w/ him. Rejection is really rough to take. Do you really expect someone who feels he's being rejected to treat you the same? Chances are, they're probably turning into an asshole BECAUSE they had to let it out the anger. They're trying to get rid of the FEELINGS, not necessarily getting rid of you, and being an asshole is probably the easy way out. It's probably better if he was able to be friendly like he was before, but it'll only lead to the case where one person is strung along by the others (thus friendzone)
Author: Misty
Date: Apr 26, 12 at 7:35am (PST)
Subject: re: Dating: Asking, Conflicts, relationships, and Tips 2011c
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Justifying being an ass doesn't change the fact that they're still being an ass for something they shouldn't have expected would innately happen. Just throwing that out there. Last I checked being an ass wasn't cool, and certainly doesn't make one a decent (or dateable, while we're at it) guy. To be fair though, when guys do act that way it just reaffirms that I didn't want them as friends or more than friends, so it's a revelation of one's character that would likely have come out at some point anyway. At least they saved us the trouble. It's hardly my problem someone didn't develop decent coping mechanisms when things don't go 100% their way, after all, and I certainly don't appreciate being called the bitch because someone doesn't know how to deal with rejection.
Author: Lazzara
Date: Apr 26, 12 at 8:31am (PST)
Subject: re: Dating: Asking, Conflicts, relationships, and Tips 2011c
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if he's being an ass after you told him that the relationship isn't gonna lead to anywhere, it's perfectly normal.
it's obvious the intent isn't friendship, so i'm not really sure why anyone would complain about it, or even demanded the guy to be stay nice/ be friends with you. a guy doesn't have the obligation to stay nice, it's all completely up to him. you can't complain he stopped being nice after you told him you weren't gonna date him WHEN that was all he's after (and nothing wrong with that imo).
If he wants to be your friend, then he'll be your friend. If not, don't bitch about him not being nice as he used to. It's simple.
Author: Bri
Date: Apr 26, 12 at 8:52am (PST)
Subject: re: Dating: Asking, Conflicts, relationships, and Tips 2011c
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quote LazzaraThis man speaks the truth.If he wants to be your friend, then he'll be your friend. If not, don't bitch about him not being nice as he used to. It's simple.
Don't take it personally when a guy...or anyone for the most part treats you like that. As said already, if he's being an ass, he wants nothing to do with you, and you should just move on with your life, and let him go on his way. No harm done.
Author: Iconic
Date: Apr 26, 12 at 11:20am (PST)
Subject: re: Dating: Asking, Conflicts, relationships, and Tips 2011c
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See in this situation, usually a mans pride has been hurt. The bad thing about this is usually the woman has led the man on. They don't always mean to but, there are lots of times that a Woman wants the attention of the man.. But they aren't interested in a relationship or a friendship. The thing is when it happens, the guy does get his pride hurt.
So then the girl wants to be friends, but she wants him to treat her exactly like he had before. She wants him to act like a boyfriend but not be his girlfriend.
It's a mess but is usually how it happens.
Author: NegativeEnergy
Date: Apr 26, 12 at 12:17pm (PST)
Subject: re: Dating: Asking, Conflicts, relationships, and Tips 2011c
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Iconic you described exactly what I've been through just recently with a girl. It's like we had something a few years back but she did something to me and we essentially stopped talking a few weeks after that incident.
I pretty much moved on from her but a few months later, she started to talk to me again and she would say things like "I could really use a BF to support me right now, etc."I'm guessing it had alot to do with her being insecure or something and that she needed someone to talk about her problems? I've given her plenty of hints both in the past and about a month ago that I want to go further than this friendship we have right now but it's like she ignores those signs. I think it is starting to take a huge burden on me stress wise and I'm thinking of just not talking to her anymore if she is going to keep doing this to me.
Leading someone on imo is about as bad if not, worse than rejection. You are giving a guy/girl false hope that this thing between you and her is going to go somewhere when really, it's not. I just want a girl to be straight up with me about how she feels from the get go and this "friend zone" wouldn't be a huge issue. From what I've seen via Facebook and my friends, it's not only guys that goes through this once or maybe a few times in their life, but guys do it to girls to and it's just not right imo.
It's quite simple there are three options I think. You and her get into a relationship, you and her can just be friends, or lastly, the both just move on from each other. It can't be an in-between kind of ordeal and if it is, it doesn't very long.
Bri, I think I might follow into the category that you said here:
quote BriI am at a stage in my life where I'm looking for a serious relationship. I go to college, I know what I want to do in my life, has a job, a car, etc. If it becomes anything less than that, then I would still probably talk to her from time to time because I'm just that kind of person (and it takes me awhile to get over someone) but I would have moved on from her eventually.Off of MY experience, why should I make room in my hectic and busy life for another girl who I would love to date and get to know on an intimate level and refuses to open that door? I completely respect her choice not to accept me in that regard, but she needs to respect my wishes not to pursue a platonic relationship. I've already got my people for that as I indicated.
I'm looking for dates, fun and intimacy tbh. Not another Starbucks buddy. In the end, it's what each individual wants. If you want friendship after being shown the door, that's your decision and possibly the start of a great friendship. I just don't need that in my life right now, I've got it covered - MOST guys I think will agree with me here. I'd like to leave the room avail for the next girl I become interested in. Nothing personal.
No hard feelings but a friend is pretty much the last thing I need right now. I have plenty of great friends and a strong family to hang out with or if I needed someone to talk to about my problems and whatnot.
Author: Iconic
Date: Apr 26, 12 at 1:03pm (PST)
Subject: re: Dating: Asking, Conflicts, relationships, and Tips 2011c
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I went through the situation recently. Hell I'm still in it.
I was really good friends with a girl. She was split up from this guy who was also a friend of mine at one point. Then we started hooking up, friends with benefits. We sorta fell for each other. It got to the point that I was so stressed out because of her wanting both of us and all that. It turned me into something I'm not and drove her away from me.
We had this big blow up and I made her feel like shit cause she made me feel the same.
We were out with friends one night and I had a few too many. I tried her, knowing that she was trying to work things out with her ex. Cause I knew, and know there was something there for me with her.
After the blow up we stopped talking. I made the choice to not pursue her anymore. It was deemed a waste of time for me.
Since then the roles have sort of reversed. She's the emotional one now and I've tried to explain that if we're to be friends that it can't be like it was. I can't be acting like her boyfriend, and thus now she's overly attracted to me because I stopped acting like a fool.
Yet now I don't know if it's worth it to try anything ever again. I'm exploring other opportunities and just gonna see what happens.
Just keep in mind that you're better than being the boy - friend. The guy trapped in the friend zone whose acting like a boyfriend. There's a line between what a friend would do and a lover would do. Now that you've acted like the boyfriend, she's going to expect you to act like that and be her friend. Yet if for nothing but your own mental stability, you can't treat her like that.
She'll notice that you're acting different yes, and you'll just have to explain in the best way that you can that you can't treat her that way anymore. That if you're friends, then you're friends. Nothing more can happen. Draw the line in the sand, but do it nicely.
Author: dldall
Date: Apr 27, 12 at 7:08pm (PST)
Subject: re: Dating: Asking, Conflicts, relationships, and Tips 2011c
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I'm forced to return with very funny event.
quote Wo Daddy WoNo. It's people like sh*t, not life.Just life...
quote (church rat):I still shocked by the open fearless sh*t.Well, i wrote to the girl the next: “you are most heap of shit i’ve ever seen, hate you, let your get all i got“. I wrote truth.
The girl asked anybody to call her, i worked several hours to record a *bleep*ing text (with foreign language) and sent it. Do you beleive a good person will spit to your for that?
The person prefers to make scandal for weeks instead of telling several words for the other person, even the over is just a stupid ram.
She really heap of shit, i’ve ever seen, i have no words to express, i even can not beleive the people can exist, but they are and the world is formed by them.
Really shit, the person who can’t be entrusted, do beleive me.
Original story
Author: Lego Master
Date: May 04, 12 at 9:00pm (PST)
Subject: re: Dating: Asking, Conflicts, relationships, and Tips 2011c
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I think I'm having a problem in my relationship. I'm 20 and she's 23. First off, we don't live together. We each live on our own. I told her I don't wanna live together until we've been together longer. 1.5 years isn't a long time. Well, technically it is because most relationships fail anymore. But besides the point. Anyways, for the most part, she works 6am to 2pm. I work either 10a to 6p or 2p to 10p. When she gets home from work, if I'm off in a bit (or off for the day) we'll do something together. Like dinner or watching a movie or playing a game. When I work til 10 I usually don't see her til the next day because I generally go home and to bed. She goes to bed at 9pm usually since she has worked 6a-2p for the past 5 years. On days I get off at 6p, she always takes a nap because shes tired from work. She always conveniently gets up around 630p (around the time I get home from work), generally right as I text her telling her I'm home from work through text. She even naps on days I'm at work too, but she always seems like shes just getting up when I am off. It seems fishy that when I'm working if I call her or text her on a break she never answers, even if she doesn't say she's taking a nap. Recently, she had mentioned she wanted to get a few items from one of her exes. I asked her when she was doing that but yet she said she doesn't know. She was going to go a day when I worked 2-10 (apparently the first time they planned to, but that "fell through") Anytime that topic comes up I ask her and she always gives the same answer. In texts with her, when she couldn't have sex with me because of an infection, she always used to say she wanted me and what not, and even various times in the past when we did have sex. For the 2 months she had the infection before going back to her doctor. She went 3 weeks ago and the doctor said she could do it a week after going home after her yeast infection was gone. We did it once and now she doesn't seem to wanna do it anymore. Believe me, I've tried to. She doesn't even send those texts anymore when we're talking. Idk if I'm overthinking it, but something seems odd here and it feels like I should be worried. We used to have sex quite a bit. Now she seems like she doesn't want to anymore. Although I've been thinking she still is, just not with me, but her ex who was the one who got her pregnant before.. How would I go about trying to figure this out? Any help is greatly appreciated.
EDIT: I made the font smaller cause it was standard font size and is easier to read when smaller I think.
EDIT2: Sorry for the gigantic wall
Author: Wilhelm Ryan
Date: Jun 04, 12 at 8:54am (PST)
Subject: re: Dating: Asking, Conflicts, relationships, and Tips 2011c
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I think this may come off as creepy, but whatevs. I need advice.
I was in a relationship, probably 9-10 months ago. We broke up, and by that, I mean she broke up through text. Which sucked. And to be honest, I never really got over her. Pretty positive that I loved her. Sounds weird, but I was always nervous when I went out with her. Always. I was always so cautious, I didn't want to mess anything up. I wasn't myself around her. Hell, I still get those butterfly feelings when I see a picture of her.
Basically, I still think of her from time to time. I know she's done with school, and possibly back in town, but I'm not positive. I could have sworn I saw her yesterday. And I could've sworn I've seen her a couple other times in town since we broke up, at the post office, around town, etc. I don't know if I really did, or if it was just me being hopeful. Had a couple dreams, involving her as well, that I actually remember. Normally I don't remember any of the dreams I have, but those I do.
/creepiness.
I don't know why I haven't gotten over her. I guess I'm being hopeful there's still a chance; right now I want to know, either way, if I do or not. I talked to her right after we first broke up, we were going to try a FWB type of deal, as a result of me getting drunk and texting her. I texted her back in March, near the end of March. Kind of an instinct thing. We talked a tiny bit. Not about anything major. Didn't last long.
I kind of get the feeling like she may want to get back together, or something? I don't know; she never deleted my number. Or off of Facebook. Typically, I don't keep an ex's number, or even remain Facebook friends, due to Facebook stalking and future drama; had that happen to me once before. Nonetheless, when we first started dating, her sister and her boyfriend had just moved to Virginia together. Her boyfriend of 5+ years had dumped her, and she had to move out, but remained living in Virginia. Her and her sister are extremely close, and right after her and her sister broke up, is when she broke up with me. Kind of thinking that had a factor in it. Maybe not, but still something I thought of.
Nevertheless, finally to my question. I want to message her on Facebook, and not just by text. I want to tell her how I feel, and that I still want to be with her. This way, I get an answer either way... a yes would be awesome, and a no would even be awesome too, as it might actually help me get over it. But at the same time, I don't want to, and end up losing communication with her altogether, and being one of those creepy ex's. So... should I?
Author: Dark Knight47
Date: Jun 08, 12 at 1:22am (PST)
Subject: re: Dating: Asking, Conflicts, relationships, and Tips 2011c
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Hello my fellow seekers, it has been awhile. This time I come to you with a problem I no doubt have posted in here in the past, but I'm a tad stuck right now and could use the help.
About two and a half years ago I met a girl in one of my classes (college freshmen) and we instantly became friends. As it turned out we both liked each other - except she was in an emotionally abusive relationship and I was in a relationship that was dying due to distance. She ended up staying with that guy until October of 2011 (while I dated people here and there) and during this time there were rare peaks where one of us would like the other. Also during this time I did my best to make sure her boyfriend stopped the abuse and it worked pretty well - albeit he did think I was a threat due to the massive amount of texting between her and I in the first year (about 13k - 15k a month).
As mentioned, he'd break up with her (ironically on the same day my girlfriend at the time broke up with me). Something very well could have happened there, but I was out of state. So, she dated around and Skyped me almost every single day (which sometimes was difficult, if not impossible as I was working 80-90 hours a week at the time).
By the time I made it back in state (Jan. 2012) she already had met and started dating her current boyfriend. Much like the last, he kinda fails. Often going out to clubs, while leaving her at home, doing naked photo shoots of his ex (who he openly flirts with), etc. Once again I am tasked with the ever cumbersome task of consoling her during these events, the issue is my feelings towards her have resurfaced in full force. I've already told her about this, and how helping her stay in a relationship (that isn't with me) is slowly killing me from the inside out. I don't want to lose my friend and I can't keep helping her forever, but it seems after we've helped each other for two years, we're codependent on each other - I quite honestly think she'd die if I wasn't there to pick up the pieces, vice versa.
Mah Problem: Even though we still text everyday, skype at least four times a week, and I will often wake up to "Good Morning" texts, she admits she doesn't like me anymore, and I cannot turn off the flood of hormones hitting my brain. What on Earth can I do?
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tl;dr version: Teh Link!
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Wilhelm Ryan
Before I can say anything I'll need to know, did you date again during the period where you weren't dating the girl in question? If not, I'd try that. If so, well eff. I guess I would need to know why you guys broke up. If it was something mundane and "fixable" and you have dated since she broke up with you, I would consider talking to her - if nothing else just for the closure.
The reason I put emphasis on if you had dated or not is because "rebounding" is in fact part of the healing process, so if you haven't awarded yourself that, you need to.
Edit: Addressed Wilhelm's question.