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Feb 22, 12 at 2:08pmTraydor

I did not get this idea from the Big Bang Theory.

Note; you can read the long post, or you can skip right down to the bolded bit at the end. I'd suggest that you read it, but you can respond to the thread adequately without doing so.

Monogamy is the 'normal' relationship model for our society (I'm staying well away from the subject of whether or not long-term monogamy is 'natural' for humans in general). It's the one your parents probably had, the one we see on TV, the one we hear sings about, the one we read about. It's background noise.

One thing I've noticed is that, because the idea of monogamy is so ubiquitous, most people assume that 'monogamy' means the same thing to them as to everyone else.

There are a number of different ways in which people's mental models of 'monogamy' can differ. In my relationships, for instance, I always establish, immediately, what is considered 'cheating'. Lots of people draw the line in different places, so it's important to me that we're on the same page. For instance, I am a massive flirt, but I draw the line right after that point (ie, before physical contact/strong emotional connection), and I don't want to hear about it if my partner indulges in it. This seems like the most obvious example of a way in which people define monogamy differently.

In my current relationship, I was quite surprised that my partner drew a line between 'exclusively dating' and 'boyfriend'. I didn't realise he did until we'd been dating exclusively for just over a month, and he told me he wanted to be my boyfriend (I was like, yeah, sure, I kinda thought we were already there).

When a person is polyamorous, or use some relationship model other than monogamous, they may take more care in defining the terms of their relationship. I think they may be less likely to assume, since polyamory is not something we're all intimately familiar with, like monogamy. In this post, Alicorn first decides exactly what she wants and needs from a polyamorous relationship, and discusses this with her partner.

So, the basic question I'm wondering about here is, why don't more people do that for monogamous relationships? 'That' being deciding exactly what they want and expect, and discussing it? Yes, like Sheldon did in BBT, only not played for humour.

What sort of things do you discuss with your partner when commencing a relationship? ie, what do we call each other now, what defines cheating, etc? Have you ever found that your expectations of a relationship differed strongly from your partner's? Do you think monogamy is the right model of relationship for you, is it something you've just fallen into, or is it a bit of both? Or neither?

What do you expect from a monogamous relationship? Ie, do you expect a long-term monogamous relationship to end in marriage, to involve children? In the short term, is there a given amount of contact/affection that you require? Do you expect to be introduced to friends/parents, or does this only come after a certain amount of time? etc, etc.

 (my answer to follow, 'cause this is getting long and my typey fingers hurt).

Go, Hermione's Sunshine Regiment! Face the forces of Chaos!

LOD: Added tags

Thread Recap (last 10 posts from newest to oldest)

Feb 24, 12 at 11:15am
Traydor

quote Scarchelli
If it gets to any point where being monogamous MIGHT be questionable, I think a conversation is in order then. However, I've never had that conversation and I've had several pretty serious girlfriends.
Hmmm. I wonder if my need for discussion is linked to my focus on verbal expression and understanding?

It'd be interesting if you'd wander over here, and let me know which form of communication is most natural and understandable to you, since I think there might be a connection.



Feb 24, 12 at 4:19am
Scarchelli

If it gets to any point where being monogamous MIGHT be questionable, I think a conversation is in order then. However, I've never had that conversation and I've had several pretty serious girlfriends. The reason being, it was mutually understood by the point where it got more serious. At least, I hope so, I was monogamous at that point...



Feb 23, 12 at 10:58pm
Traydor

Scarchelli - well, yes, obviously. But it seemed like you were saying that you'd both know when it was time to be monogamous, without discussing it. Not the case?



Feb 23, 12 at 9:15pm
Scarchelli

I just think it's a mutual understanding that you aren't exclusive unless you're explicitly dating the person. That's how it's been for anyone I've met and anyone I personally know.



Feb 23, 12 at 11:29am
Traydor

quote Scarchelli
BUT, I will refrain, and say this: the only time you should be monogamous is if the other person is going to be monogamous, as well. And, I don't think a conversation is necessary to know this.
Then how do you both know you're in the same place, if you don't talk about it?



Feb 23, 12 at 4:11am
Scarchelli

Definitely agree with you there, Misty. I'm 23 and have no intention of settling down with a girl or anything like that. I don't even go as far as you and tell them that it's not exclusive (when we first meet). I don't feel I have to; I don't expect them to be exclusive, either. Love is an interesting feeling, one I never want to feel again. If I wasn't in the lobby, I feel posting the foreveralone.jpg would be necessary, lol. BUT, I will refrain, and say this: the only time you should be monogamous is if the other person is going to be monogamous, as well. And, I don't think a conversation is necessary to know this.



Feb 23, 12 at 3:28am
Misty

You know, I think to a degree this kind of conversation is absolutely necessary. I define relationships (including friendships to a degree, though that's a bit different) as a continuum, one that goes kind of like this:

Acquaintances -> Friends -> Good friends -> Casual dates (non-exclusive) -> Dating (exclusive) -> Boyfriend -> Love -> ??? -> Profit

Obviously there's more to it than that, but that's the gist of it. I pretty much never start out dating someone exclusively anymore, and I certainly don't call someone my boyfriend unless it's been a while and I'm certain that I want the exclusive dating to continue and think it's got a decent chance at progressing to more. Boyfriend is actually kind of an intermediate step between exclusive dating and significant connection/committment, though that's not to say I'm not committed to a boyfriend I'm not necessarily going to be bent out of shape and heartbroken if things with a boyfriend end where it's much more difficult with someone I would call a love. A profit though? Damn, I'll hate to see the day if I lose someone I'm that connected to...

I would call myself monogamous when I'm in a relationship that's defined as exclusive. Personally I'm very up front with people that I date and usually tell them from the start that I don't plan on starting off exclusive (and that we can cross that bridge when we know each other better) and that I don't expect them to be either until we mutually decide to. I'm not quite sure why anyone would see someone exclusively from the start; I always thought part of the point of dating is to see if you like each other enough to exclusively see each other/commit to one another. I would certainly not call someone my boyfriend unless I was relatively sure that I thought things could last a while though.



Feb 22, 12 at 11:24pm
Traydor

Mastix - I'd agree that you don't sit down and discuss everything, and plan out your entire future. I'd go more with discussing things at relevant parts of your relationship, for instance, one thing I bring up at the very beginning is the exclusive conversation, and the what we consider cheating conversation.



Feb 22, 12 at 10:54pm
Mastix

I don't know how most people feel about this, but I find the idea of laying this all out in one conversation to be odd. You've quite rightly described it as a contract, which is exactly what I wouldn't want out of a relationship at the outset. The last thing I want to do with a growing relationship is to bring law into it. And that's coming from a prospective lawyer. Forming a contractual relationship early on is far too clinical and aromantic (too coin the word). In fact I'd argue it would be harmful in the future. Neither of you can know what sort of relationship you're comfortable with prior to trying it out for sometime.

I agree though that we should be more frank about what we're not okay with and what we expect. I just think that should be a part of getting to know the person. You never need a moment where you lay out all the things you do or do not want. Throughout the relationship there will be opportunities to discuss what each of you think, and a "contract" will be formed through experience. Hopefully. At least that's my model.



Feb 22, 12 at 7:09pm
Angyles Cerddoriaeth

I will not go into detail about what I expect in a relationship, there is just too much to post.

I will say however that if I am going to be serious with someone, I do talk with them over what I expect from the relationship. I will admit I do not go into the whole "Do you want kids" discussion, because I am not looking for that. If we have a child together or not, is moot, I am not fussed either way.



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