Hey there Resistance fans, I've got something for you. First I am shamelessly going to promote both my series of Resistance fanfiction, Black Ops, my small Resistance webcomic Resist This! and the site where I hang out for all things Resistance related Myresfanfic Now that I'm done wasting your time, I can show you guys a little project of mine which should hopefully put a smile on your faces.
Resistance Abridged is an attempt to create a condensed version of the first game, R:FOM and replace the drama, action and story with comedy, satire and parody, all in an easy to read script format. The first chapter can be found here or you can look at the version I've included below. Comments and criticism are welcome and appreciated, though do be aware you will have to be at least somewhat familar with the game to get some of the jokes.
Resistance: Fall of the Abridged Series
Parker: My name is Rachel Parker, and I am a Captain in the British Resistance despite the fact that this is 1950's England and sexual equality hasn't happened yet. Though I can't be certain, I believe it might be due to me sometimes going on long factual rants which tend to leave my superiors in a coma, but Father told me it just a coincidence, right before he jumped off a bridge.
Parker: Our story begins when the Chimera virus burst out of Russia, overcoming Germany, France and several other countries no one really cares about in just six weeks. This was terrible, and to illustrate how terrible it is I'm going to show you maps going black, which also conveniently lowers the animation budget. For a time we thought England was safe, but then our supply of tea and crumpets began to dwindle, and without them we could not stand against the Chimera. We abandoned the cities to the Chimera and retreated to scattered military bases and outposts. The Chimera had won…
Parker: Operation Super Secret Angel Swap was launched on the 11th of July 1951, and this is where the story truly begins.
In Northern Command
British Military: Well it would appear our convoy has been ambushed. Let us inform no one and let the Americans die.
On board the US Aircraft Carrier
American Military: Well it would appear that we are now about to confront an extremely dangerous alien menace. Let us inform no one and let our troops die.
Riding in a VTOL
Hale: Well it would appear I am a super soldier with a resistance to the virus. Let me inform no one and let both sides die.
Inside just one of many VTOL's flying above York is Hale Hale, Carbine locked and loaded.
Hale: Let's see, I have my generic helmet which I can lose when I need to distinguish myself from the other faceless drones, my trusty knife which I will never use, and a photo which will make me appear more likeable as a protagonist. Okay, I'm ready to go.
With a roar the VTOL stops, and jumping onto the rope Hale rappels down
Hale: Now if this game follows the typical FPS staples, all my allies should start dying off really quickly.
Hearing a sound Hale looks up just in time to see a missile come out of nowhere and hit the VTOL
Hale: Right on cue.
Fighting through waves of Chimeran Hybrids, Hale and his allies advance into the streets of York, subjected to mortar attacks, ambushes, and the occasional bad joke.
American Soldier 1: Okay guys, what kind of Chimera plays cards? A Greyjack! Everyone groans, especially Hale
Hale: That was awful.
American Soldier 1: Here's another one. What was the name of the soldier who took down a Goliath? David!
The others groan even louder, Hale is attempting to lose himself in examining the local architecture
American Soldier 1: You guys sound upset, (Brightening) but I know how to cheer you up. What do you get when you cross...?
Hale: Look, I'm going to be honest, your jokes aren't funny, they suck.
American Soldier 1: You...you don't like them?
Hale: Well, it's just that...
American Soldier 1:(Crying) You're...you're so mean, all I wanted to was... waaaaaaah! (Runs off screaming like a little girl)
Hale: The Crawlers can't come soon enough.
American Solider 2: What?
Moving out of the streets Hale slides into a dry creek bed, meeting up with another squad of allies.
American Soldier 1: Sergeant! I'm surprised you made it this far, come on, Captain Winters wants us at the bus depot, double time.
Hale: Alright, let's move.
The squad turns running
Hale: Look while we have the time, do any of you guys have any last requests or dying wishes? Because you might want to say them now.
American Solider 1: What are you talking about?
Hale: Well people around me have a habit of dying, besides main characters anyway.
American Soldier 2: Don't be silly, we'll be fine
American Soldier 3: Yeah, nothing's going to happen to us. Hey you see that?
Crawlers swarm the lot of them, the men clawing at them as they climb up their skin, but failing to keep them away.
American Soldier 1: The irony! (Falling over)
American Soldier 2:(Clutching at his throat) Who could have predicted this?
Hale:(Knocking off his helmet as he collapses) Told you so.
Vision hazy and the rest of the squad dead around him, Hale clambers back to his feet.
Hale: Well it looks like I've been infected again, which aside from violating the canon on how Crawlers don't go near the those already infected, has given me the biggest hangover since… well last week.
Picking up his Carbine, Hale hears footsteps and spins around, seeing a Medic approaching him.
American Medic: You alright sergeant?
Hale looks at the pile of dead corpses around him, coughs up a Crawler and nods.
American Medic: Well I see there couldn't possibly be anything wrong here, let's get to the depot.
Now on the streets, Hale jumped out of the battered Sabretooth tank he had been driving up till that point, entering the bus depot.
Hale: Man what a fast battle, almost like it never happened, like it was skipped over in favour of something more entertaining, how strange.
American Soldier 1:(Springing out from behind a corner) Halt, identify yourself!
Hale: Sergeant Hale, First Rangers. American Solider 1: Great, you'll be here to see Captain Winters right? I'll take you to him. (Moves to the staircase)
Hale:(Following) Great, finally a normal soldier.
American Solider 1: Speaking of normal, just a word of warning. Captain Winters can be a little...scary at times. Kinda like Sergeant Johnson from Halo, only not... (Tries to think of a word)
Hale:(Supplying one) ...Retarded?
American Soldier 1: Yeah we'll go with that.
Reaching the top floor, the soldier opens the door for Hale, who steps inside to see Sergeant Winters holding a sniper rifle and berating two of his soldiers.
Winters: Look I don't care what happens just damn well aim straight!
American Soldier 2: I'm trying sir, I'm trying.
Winters: Trying eh? (And bringing up his gun shoots the soldier in the head) Well it looks like we have a sad case of friendly fire, anyone else care to 'try'?
American Soldier 3:(Staring in shock) Sir....you can't do that!
Winters: I'm 43, have red hair and vote Republican. I can do whatever the hell I freaking want! (And raising his gun a second time shoots the other man) Damn, more friendly fire, how am I going to motivate everyone without more soldiers to sacrifice?
Suddenly looking up, Winters notices Hale and the other soldier at the doorway.
Winters: Why hello there!
With a look of terror on his face Hale slams the door and locks it, bracing his shoulder against it just to make sure. Hale: "A little scary?" You call that "a little scary?" Forget scary, he's insane!
American Soldier 1: Now, now, he only treats us like this because he cares.
Winters:(Through the door) Bring me cold coffee will you? Well I'm sure a little friendly fire will fix that up. (Gunshots quickly following) You know actually on second taste this coffee is plenty warm, oh well. Where did those other two get to?
Fighting for their lives amongst the buses and refuelling bays, the American Soldiers push back the Chimera, facing Hybrids and Sentry Guns in front and Winters behind.
Winters:(Over the radio) Okay boys, we need this depot as a landing zone, and you soldiers are going take it. You may all be incompetent, you may all be ugly, by god you're certainly stupid. But considering I sacrificed the rest of the men to motivate you, you're all I have left. Make me proud!
Hale:(Firing his Carbine from behind cover) I honestly don't know who I'm scared of more now, the Chimera or him.
American Soldier 1: Winters.
American Soldier 3: Winters for me.
American Soldier 2: I would have to go with Winters too.
Hale:(Looking back at them) I agree.
Continuing the battle Hale takes back the depot bit by bit, aided by the other American Soldiers and some very explodable cars.
Hale:(Sighting along his Carbine) Okay, what kind of car is that?
American Soldier 2:(Looking through some binoculars) Nissan!
Hale:(Shoots the car, explosion killing all the Hybrids around it) Okay,what about that one?
American Soldier 2:(Bringing around his binoculars to see what car he is pointing too) Ford!
Hale:(Nodding in appreciation Hale holds his fire and moves on) And that one?
American Soldier 2:(Once more using the binoculars) Rover!
Hale: Oh hell yes! (And empties the entire clip)
Depot taken and Chimera thrown back the Americans are able to bring in the armour, Captain Winters joining the men outside.
Winters: Well fought. We might just hold this little piece of heaven. Toppazzinni sing to us the Republican National Anthem to celebrate.
American Soldier 1:(Unsure) Don't you mean the US National Anthem sir?
Winters: I know what I said! American Soldiers 2:(Pointing upwards) Sir!
Everyone looks up just in time to see the Spires, impacting with a thud, a barrel falling on Hale and pinning him to the ground in the chaos.
Winters:(Lifting himself up from the ground) Someone is going to get friendly fired for this!
But the Crawlers swarm him before he gets his chance, everyone buried under thousands of the tiny insects.
Parker: We know from the craters Chimera ended the battle by launching spires, there is no defence against a spire attack, except maybe wearing a gas mask, but then you look like an idiot, so nobody does that. After the Spires are done releasing Crawlers, the Chimera send in Carriers, transporting the bodies to conversion centres. Hale was taken to one such centre in Grimsby, my convoy team and I were taken to the same place. We were captured uninfected, so we were put into makeshift pens until they could infect us. And yes that is horrible grammar, thank you for noticing.
Parker: The Grimsby conversion centre is built on top of an old fish cannery, networks of tubes transporting the bodies from one stage of conversion to another. Now I am about to give you a long and unnecessarily dark explanation about the conversation process including cacoons, birthing chambers and lots of other virus stuff so we can get an M rating, which will all be useless by the next game anyway. Actually now that I think about this, most of this game gets chucked out for the next one, I don't even get any long factual rants! What a world.
Groaning, Hale slowly comes to, finding himself in a dark room in the fish canneries of Grimsby, deposited there like all the others.
Hale: Another hangover? I've really got to stop drinking so much.
Pulling himself to his knees, Hale suddenly realizes he is lying in a pile of naked soldiers, stripped to the waist.
Hale: Oh god, we didn't!
Panicking Hale backs away from them, bumping into the wall in the process, turning around to see two Menials. They are already busy attending to the bodies.
Menial 1: Growl, hiss, growl <How goes our work my friend?>
Menial 2: Hiss, growl, growl <Very good, I have helped remove the Chimeran virus from a dozen of them already, and the others remain clueless>
Menial 1: Hiss, growl, hiss <Excellent. Together we will bring down this conversion centre from the inside, and after we free the humans and develop a cure, we can then...>
Stepping out from behind the wall Hale raises his Carbine and shoots both Menials, moving into the next room.
Hale: Hmm I wonder what all that was about.
Fighting through several more Menials, Hale comes into a new room, several cells built into wall, some of them occupied.
British Soldier 1: Oi! You tha, get ust to hell outta her!
Hale: Excuse me?
British Soldier 2: Quick, before tha soddin crawlers get ust!
Hale: I'm sorry was... was that meant to be a British accent? Because it sounded like one, only really, urgh.
British Soldier 1: Just frackkin sav us, oh no!
The two are swarmed by crawlers, sending them into comas.
Hale: You totally deserve that for having such bad accents you know.
Parker: No wait, over here (Waving her arms) I don't talk like some walking stereotype! The console, shoot the console!"
Hale turns and does exactly as she says, destroying the console just seconds before it releases Crawlers into her cell.
Parker:(Panting) Thanks for that. I'm Parker.
Hale: Hey, Sergeant Hale, First Rangers.
Parker:(Looking annoyed) Yeah well I'm a Captain in the British Resistance, beat that!
Hale: Look can we work on getting you out of there? I could use some backup.
Parker: Actually I'll be going a different way (And banging on the cell door releases the vent)
Hale: How did you do that?
Parker:(Peering into the vent) Sorry Hale, looks like you'll have to find your own way out.
Hale: Seriously, how did you do that?
Parker: Bye! (And climbs into the vent, disappearing from sight.)
Hale: Well she was annoying. The only good thing about all this is that I'll likely never see her again and she'll play absolutely no further part in my life whatsoever.
INSOMNIAC: (In a voice booming from above) Don't count on it!
Battling further Chimeran guards and crew, Hale pushes even deeper into the conversion centre.
Hale: Man this sure is easier with all these power cores lying around. (Shooting at several as he talks) You'd think they would take better care of highly explodable and sensitive technology, next thing you know they'll be sticking them in the back of their spider tanks for some reason.
Walking through another corridor Hale notices that a break room is to his right, and hesitates for a moment.
Hale: I probably should be getting out of here and liberating Britain. (Then brightening) But how I am supposed to fight aliens on an empty stomach?
Moving into the break room, Hale quickly looks for food amongst the fish cannery's supplies, disappointed to find nothing but well...fish, until he finds an envelope.
Hale: Hmm, what's this?
Turning it over he sees the word 'Intel' in big black letters
Opening the envelope he begins reading aloud. It is a recount of a man's incarnation in the conversion centre.
Hale: February 6th 1951 1720 hours. Captured with my buddy Steve during our patrol of Liverpool, brought in by Carriers and thrown in cells to be infected later. Steve holds hope for rescue, but I am more realistic, I know there is no escape.
Hale: February 6th 1951 1800 hours. Me and Steve are still trapped in this cell, and still no sign of rescue. I have created a sock puppet to pass the time, his name is Soxy, and he is a very good sock puppet, yes he is! Steve is giving me odd looks, but it's probably just because he didn't think to make a sock puppet first.
Hale: February 6th 1951 1830 hours. I fear for Steve's sanity, he says the lock may be rusted and he might be able to break it, but clearly he is deluded, there is no escape. Soxy and me both agree that the place is starting to get to Steve, he actually stared when I began eating pebbles! I pray for him.
Hale: February 6th 1951 1900 hours. Steve is gone, despite the best efforts of Soxy and me to convince him of his madness he broke down the lock and escaped. Worse, this can only be a sign of my own madness, clearly it is spreading. I have euthanized Soxy so he does not suffer, and I am planning to strangle myself with his body, farewell cruel world!
Putting down the envelope, Hale finds a sock puppet inside, ripped in half.
Hale: Hehe Soxy.
Back to pushing through the conversion centre, Hale begins to learn more about the Chimera.
Hale:(Tapping the glass tubing as cacoons float past) Man this is just getting disgusting.
Parker:(Over the radio) Hale, I'm noticing more Hybrid patrols now, they must know I've escaped.
Hale: Gee thanks.
Parker: You should have gotten out of there by now anyway, what have you been doing?
Hale:(Thinking of his rummage through the break room) Uh...searching for...um Intel, yes Intel!
Parker: Well don't too much longer, I'm almost out.
Hale: I'll make it; I'm not exactly sitting on my ass here.
Cutting the connection, Hale turns back to the glass tubing with the cacoons.
Hale: Yep, still disgusting.
Coming out into the open, Hale breathes a sigh of relief as he leaves the fish cannery and conversion centre behind.
Hale: Man is it good to be out of there. (Seeing something on the ground) Wait what's this?
Walking forward Hale picks up what appear to be a spiky round sphere, examining it closely.
Hale: This is strange, is it some sort of grenade? (Prodding the grenade with his finger, Hale jumps back as he pricks himself.) Ouch! Who designed this? That really hur-
Parker:(Again over the radio) Sergeant be advised, the Chimera have set up a trap. They have Sentry Guns guarding the only route out!
Hale: And I bet you have a really good reason for why you can't help me. (And spotting the first wave of Hybrids, hurls the grenade he had just picked up)
The grenade flies forward with perfect accuracy, strikes the lead Hybrid straight on the snout, falls to the ground and does...nothing.
Hale: Oh you have got to be kidding me.
Growling the lead Hybrid picks up the grenade and is just about to return it in a more lethal style when suddenly it leaps back, finger pricked on one of the spikes. And falling to the ground, the grenade strikes and detonates, not a single Hybrid left alive.
Hale: Well that was anti-climatic. Guess that's the end of the chapter.
Thread Recap (last 10 posts from newest to oldest)
Nov 26, 10 at 10:21pm
Awesome, some of you're jokes are becoming repetitive but they're still funny. Others are quite simply hilarious. Can't wait for the last chapter
Nov 26, 10 at 9:22pm
Long wait, but here's the next chapter. Just one more after this.