Ever since the beginning of time, there was a man. Wait, no, that’s not right. Ever since the beginning of time, there has been a struggle against good and not-good, also known as evil. In this struggle, the not-good guys are always trying to attack the good guys, but they’re usually pushed down a flight of stairs or generally wiped off of the face of the earth. This is odd because the good guys aren’t supposed to want the death of anyone, good or not-good. And so, sometimes the good guys become not-good, and that’s where things go bad (also known as not-good). This is the story of two good guys who are going after the not-good guy, who is also evil. Also, since the typist, me, is tired of saying not-good, he will refer to not-good as evil. Or bad, or perhaps even wrong. Then, he will question why bad gets so many different ways of saying it, but then there’s “good” and sometimes even “angelic.” Or, if you’re really going for a good run, “not-bad.” Either way, the writer admits that he must stop and get to the story.
Which is below this sentence fragment. He knows it’s a sentence fragment because MS Word told him, so ha.
“Sir, there’s trouble.” Said nameless guard #274. Well, I guess that’s his name, 274. He stood in a large cathedral, but not just any cathedral, oh no. This is a cathedral of Evil, the Cathedral of DAMG. No one quite knows what that stands for, or how to pronounce it, but as this is a text-based simulation it’s ok. No sweat; what goes, goes. He, who was dressed in the garb of all nameless guards (a ridiculous looking purple top with green pants and blue shoes and yellow gloves and a red helmet with a large D on either side of it that stuck up like pointy elf ears), stood in front of a towering throne, the kind you see people who fight superman or other superheroes sitting in. You know, an evil throne; an evil throne of evil… evilness. Right, anyways, on top of this throne was DAMG himself.
“Yeah, there’s no such thing as trouble. You know why? Cause I cause trouble. Anyone else causing trouble? No, that’s not possible. I’m the troublemaker. Me, me me meememememe. So there, you are relieved of your duties and you get a boot to the head to boot. Wait, was that redundancy? I think so, but redundancy is trouble, too!” DAMG sat on his throne, but to anyone looking, he would be only a shadow with glowing red eyes, as all aspiring evil-doers wish to be at some time.
“Sir!” Came nameless guard #183, replacing 274 after the Boot of Injustice made his head asplode. “There seems to be our worst nightmares coming to life!”
“What!?” Yelled DMAG, “That cannot be! I’ve destroyed all of the heroes that could possibly defeat me at this moment in time but not in a moment of time that’s in the potentially close future! My plan was flawless! Who are they!?”
“It seems to be a team called Rusty Tiger, Rocky Road, like that one movie tiger dragon movie that I’ve never seen but heard about.” Responded 294… wait, no, it’s 183, my bad.
“Is it our worst nightmares? Are you sure?” Said GMAD, fingernails flying onto ground where his feet lay as he bit his nails.
“That’s what I said, sir! They’re young heroes with a good conscious and unclear goals!”
“FFFFFFFFFF-ugly b’s. You know what this means!?!?”
“That, as of now, they have no idea who you are?” 752 183 said, saluting his evil lord for no apparent reason except for the one where his writer wanted him to do something.
“It means that they have no idea who I am! We must do something! I don’t care what it is, give the heroes my telephone number, give them a business card, just get it done!!!”
“yessir, I’ve got it, sir! Yes, I can do that, sir, yes sir, sir, yes. Got you, sir, gotcha, I can-“
“STFU AND DO IT!” Yelled DAMG, causing the Cathedral of DMGA to shake. “You know what to do. Send in… a Boss Battle!”
The camera pans away from the evil faced silhouette as the evil-doer laughs his evil laugh. Ignore the fact that this is a text-based simulation and pretend it’s a movie or something, I don’t care. Just do it.
Thread Recap (last 10 posts from newest to oldest)
Jan 28, 13 at 10:16pm
Filler 2: Cutscene Matinée
THE MADG CATHEDRAL WAS DARK! Then again, it was the cathedral of ultimate breakfast. I mean evil! Evil is what I meant! Damn I'm hungry.
THE DAMG CATHEDRAL WAS JUST AS IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE! The guards prowled around with night-vision goggles, nameless and wearing funky outfits that made absolutely no sense at all. I think I mentioned what they looked like in the opening post but that was yea- I mean episodes ago. It hasn't been years at all. Give me a moment to go back and check and see.
I did, yes, and wow these guys must get paid a lot to wear something so ridiculous. I mean, come on. Seriously? I wrote tha-
"Is this going anywhere?" MAGD asked, impatient. He had this whole filler planned out and I was ruining it by writing it as if it belonged in Parody Quest.
Well shut the *bleep* up evil big bad because it is in Parody Quest and you're going to deal with it.
Okay, now you can go. I'm done.
"Good. You know, you have potential. You're almost as evil as me." AGMD said as he stroked his goate- wait, no, that was gone during the filler episode. He was just stroking his chin, then.
Well, I am an Anti-Villain. I suppose they're--
All of the nameless guards in the throne room were dead silent as they stared at their leader, who was apparently talking to himself and not to me. The silence was deafening, which made absolutely no sense. I think I've already used that joke, as well.
The deafening silence was soon broken by the giant cathedral doors opening. All of the guards turned to see who were coming in. Lightning flashed dramatically behind the figure, water dripped from his floral dress and his identity was no longer mysterious. Matilda came in, bruised and battered.
"So, what's the news that isn't good but certainly not bad?" Asked the DZAM as he reclined in his throne of EVIL. Because it was totally a La-Z Boy and completely comfortable.
"Well, sir," Matilda started, wiping water from his brow. "They, quite frankly, beat the shit out of me. And out-hacked me. And I lost."
"Well DUH," UMAD responded. "You're not a main character. Of course they beat you."
Matilda stared at his boss. "But, then, by that logic," he started slowly. "Then that means you're going to lose when they show up, too. And if you know that, then why are you doing this?"
"Because I'm bor- OH GOD A CAT!" DGAM pointed towards the cathedral doors because they were still open. Matilda was raised in a barn, apparently. All of the nameless guards turned to see the black and white cat enter through the DOORS OF EVIL and start drying itself off. Because cats don't like being wet. "Someone fetch that cat a towel! WAIT, GET THE SCIENTISTS I'VE JUST HAD A BRILLIANT IDEA!"
All of the nameless guards went to do the GAZD's bidding, and finally Nameless Scientist Jack came out to meet him. "Sir, I have been summoned, and thus I come."
"You sound so posh, I don't like it." DAMG replied.
Nameless Scientist Jack blinked in confusion a few times before restating his earlier statement. "Yo dawg yo called me here so I came and shizzle."
"I liked you better when you were posh," GDMA cringed. He pointed at the cat. Actually, I don't think he ever stopped pointing at the cat. So, he continued pointing at the cat. "Do you see that."
"The cat, sir?"
"The cat, do you see it."
"I see the cat."
"So you conclude that it is, in fact, a cat."
"It's not in a box, so yes, I can conclude and feel very confident about the conclusion that it is, in fact, a cat."
"Good, I want you to go transform it into a human."
"Wait, what?" Nameless Scientist Jack whipped his head around so quickly that he almost looked like the dramatic groundhog.
"Yes, and use this." Reaching into his darkness (you know, the one that always surrounds him at all times), he pulled out a sheet of paper.
Nameless Scientist Jack looked at the paper. "Sir, this is-"
"Yes, a Pathfinder Character sheet. The cat human is to be modeled after that Rogue." The DGAM started pointing at various parts. "She's to be a sneaky sneakster that uses a whip. She might also multiclass to Bard later on."
"Are... Are you sure about this? Multiclassing to Bard isn't really all that great I mean if you're multiclassing then-"
"You're a munchkin, aren't you?"
"... Go get the damn cat."
"Yes sir." With a sigh, Nameless Scientist Jack started walking to the cat. He picked up the cat and started drying it off. At first, it was purring as if enjoying the attention, and then... "OH GOD IT'S GOING FOR MY EYES WHY WOULD IT GO FOR THE EYES SOMEONE FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS EVIL HELP ME!"
And then the DGFA went back to lounging in his La-Z Boy
Matilda had been on the floor this entire time. "Someone, please, help me. I'm dying."
Jan 27, 13 at 3:40pm
Tiger of Wu
Cele sighed, once again wistfully. They were atop the giant projectile, flying to what would undoubtedly be their doom. But it meant the salvation of the world, perhaps even the universe, so wasn't that worth it?
"Hey," Tiger called. He'd cleaned himself up through ninja practices, and sat down next to Cele. "You okay?"
"Not really," she replied, pulling her legs to her chest. This entire thing had been a farce. A farce of a farce. And now it would end in the most ridiculous way possible, hurtling towards certain death. "There's so much this universe has, so much wonder and beauty, and I'm never going to see it."
"You can never really see all of it," Tiger offered, shrugging. "You just enjoy what's there, and find what you can."
"And what do we have here?" Cele asked, gesturing to the insanity around her.
Tiger leaned in close. "Whatever we want." Taking her hand, the ninja gently kissed the writer's lips. She was shocked, awe-struck, but sensations of pleasure moved from her lips to her neck, down her spine, and further. Tiger's hands explored her body, and she fell back, completely taken by him. Their lips never parting, he reached down to her knee and moved his hand up her dress, passionately ripping her undergarments away.
And a few seconds later, Cele felt an explosion of joy. The changing of the rhythmic movements which made her tingle all over, she screamed out his name, and called for him to move harder, and harder, and harder.
They went at it for ten minutes before she screamed louder than she ever had. And in the sky, the giant vagina, representing her repressed passions, weeped, before disappearing into itself.
Tiger saved the universe with his dick.
Rust was at the side, playing cards or something.
Jan 27, 13 at 3:30pm
Rust pulled a lasso out of his pocket and started swinging it over his head. As he threw it towards the giant boobie it turned into a whip and lashed the bird with a ferocious crack, rendering one of its wings useless.
"Great job, now the bird is useless!" Celes said, not even bothering to yell anymore.
"No, no, don't you see? Now we can Angry Birds our way up there." Rust explained, because sometimes his greatest ideas are also the most retarded. And by sometimes I mean always.
Off to the side, Tiger had already set up the giant slingshot. "I've already set up the giant slingshot." Yeah, thanks a lot Tiger, I already said that. "Well *bleep* you, too, narrator guy."
Celes groaned. "Whatever, let's just... Let's just climb atop the giant bir-"
"Ah ah ah, Celes. You know what kind of bird it is."
"Fine! Let's just climb atop the giant boobie!" She threw her hands up in exasperation.
"Ha, she said boobie." Tiger commented as he climbed up atop the boobie. Rust was already riding the boobie, and Celes climbed on shortly after, though the stench of Tiger's pants made her want to get off.
"No, I have to do this for the good of everything." And then she realized something. "Hey! You've been misspelling my name this whole time! It's not Celes with an s at the end, it's just Cele!
"OH GOD SHE CAN READ THE TEXT TOO, TIGER, I THINK SHE'S MAGIC." Rust yelled, obviously. "WE HAVE TO ESCAPE!"
Pressing a button on the slingshot, they and their boobie steed went flying straight into the heart of the giant sky vagina... Do I mean the uterus? Isn't the uterus technically the heart of a vagina? Does it even matter?
Either way, this vagina was about to get blue balled. And that doesn't even make sense.
Jan 27, 13 at 3:20pm
Cele put a hand to her face and palmed it.
"Okay...look, I'm only sixteen. It's pedophila if you guys touch me."
Tiger shrugged, "I'm British, I think. You're legal here. Probably."
Cele sighed, "You know what? I don't care any more. We're all going to die at this rate, so...fine." She stripped out of her clothes.
"Your boobs are smaller than they looked in your dress." Tiger said finally.
"When are we going to make a giant mecha?" Rust asked.
"...I don't believe you two," Cele sighed, putting her dress back on.
"We can make a mecha out of your boobs!"
"No, Rust, they're not big enough."
"But TTGL is all about combining! So if we combine her boobs with someone who has bigger boobs, then we'll get a giant BOOB!"
And suddenly, a giant boobie - that's the bird - flew into Cele's face.
"YES," Rust crowed, "THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT WE NEEDED."
Tiger dove out of the way of another attacking bird, "This is getting silly! I liked it better when we were robin' people's houses and taking their chests. Treasure chests."
"Enough with the bird puns!" Cele screeched, "You're driving me bat-shit crazy!"
"Wait!" Rust yelled, "I have ANOTHER IDEA! We can use these birds to fly into the giant sky snatch! "
Cele threw up her arms and put them back onto her body when they'd come back down, "Fine, I'm willing to try anything at this point.'
Jan 27, 13 at 3:10pm
Tiger of Wu
"How do we find mechs anyway?" Rust asked. Everytime he consulted his books, Cele took them away. There was a pile next to her which was quickly reaching the size of... of...
"That's it!" Tiger exclaimed. "If we glue the books together, we could turn them into a giant mech and use them to-" Rust slapped Tiger. Cele sank to the ground.
"I'm going to die a virgin, aren't I?" she wistfully asked. Tiger's eyebrows wiggled. Bitches love it when Tiger's eyebrows wiggle.
"We need to get serious here, we need a plan, we need a reason to pose like a mother*bleep*ing team."
"Well, how do you placate a giant vagina?"
"With a giant dick!" Rust exclaimed. "So if we throw you at it, it will go away!" Tiger opened his mouth to contradict his cohorts words, but Rust had already grabbed him and threw him into the sky. Alas, Rust had put all of his points into speed and strength, and used intelligence and throwing as a dump stat. All he managed to do was piss Tiger off. And when Tiger gets pissed off, shit happens.
As in, Tiger shit himself.
"Dude!" Rust screamed, half laughing and half choking. "I mean, seriously, what the *bleep*!?" The ninja fought back the tears.
"It's a medical thing, leave me alone."
"This. Is. Going. Nowhere!" Cele screamed in frustration. Someone would have argued with her, but she wasn't wrong. She also had breasts. You didn't argue with something that had breasts, if you intended to touch them. Which they did. "You're both *bleep*ing idiots!"
Jan 27, 13 at 3:00pm
"We are totally going to penetrate that sky vagina with my massive drill," Tiger stated, licking his lips as he said it.
"... Should totally rock-paper-scissors to see who goes first. I don't want your sloppy seconds." Rust cringed. Because, honestly.
Celes was suddenly wondering why on earth or whatever planet this actually was how she thought this was a good idea.
"Alright Tiger, huddle." He pulled a book out of his pocket and Tiger moved so he could read it, too. "So in order to find mechs, or maybe even the Mechs-ican band from before so that we can TTGL the shit out of this is to go to the city of G-" But then Rust was cut off!
"What are you two talking about?" Celes asked.
"Well, you said we needed to TTGL so we're going to go on a Quest in order to-" but then Rust was denied again.
"We don't have time for that!"
Tiger waved her fears off. "Lady, we live in an RPG. We have all the time in the world. And don't worry, we recently got the Parody Quest Guidebook so we can do this quickly. No worries."
"Yeah, it says right here that-" Interrupted again as Celes took the book away from Rust and threw it off to the side.
"Stop screwing around!"
"Stop being such a lesbian."
"I'm not- You two are just- It's-"
"Ha, I made the writer run out of words."
"Also," Tiger began, pulling another book out of Rust's pocket. "Rust buys things in bulk because he doesn't understand the concept of saving money."
"Bah, we'll just kill a few more rabbits outside of town and save up."
"But what are we going to do about the Sky Vagina!?" Celes yelled.
"Psh, this is a Rust post. You can expect the plot to go anywhere."
Jan 27, 13 at 2:50pm
Cele blew everybody up, because she had reality warping powers that are complete bullshit, especially in the NDLverse, but the author doesn't care.
"Okay, look," she said to Tiger and Rust, "I'm Cele. I'm the straight man in your comedy act."
"But you're a woman," Rust pointed out.
"And a lesbian," Tiger added.
"I am NOT a lesbian! I'm a reality-warper, kind of like God."
Rust laughed, "If you're God, then can you give me a bigger penis than Tiger?"
Cele shook her head, "No, it's impossible to be a bigger dick than Tiger."
"Google.com says that you meant to say, 'It's impossible to have a bigger dick than Tiger' ", Tiger said, because he had a laptop with him.
"No, I meant that-"
"Are you arguing with Google? Do you want to bring down the wrath of the lesbian gods!?" Tiger demanded.
The giant sky vagina thundered ominously. Cele looked up at it and back down to Rust and Tiger, "Listen, you guys are still in the game, which I lost by the way. The game that is. Anyway. I have a plan. We're going to go Gurren Lagann on that shit."
Rust clapped excitedly, "Yay! We're going to pierce the heavens with our drill!"
Cele stared at him, "...Yes. Okay, sure."
"FIGHTING SPIRIT!" Rust and Tiger yelled together.
"Wait, wait, We have to assemble the main characters before we go up there!" Cele said patiently.
"But we ARE the main characters," Tiger insisted.
Rust frowned, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, this is parody quest."
"But what about Congo?"
Jan 27, 13 at 2:40pm
Tiger of Wu
Tiger, still taken aback by Rust's secret desire for them to engage in rape play (pun intended), shrugged, grabbed Rust, and dived into the books pages, or HTML, or whatever. "D00ds!"
Rust looked at Tiger.
Tiger looked at Rust.
They sighed, deeply. "D00ds, help me fight this lesbian!" C would have argued, except now in their presence she realised that she was a lesbian, even though that completely contradicted the new plot the dynamic duo had also brought with them; her losing her virginity to Zhan Dathka. Or something beginning with a Z, I forget. Whilst Maxwell ironically bumrushed the lesbian, Rust and Tiger escaped, knowing the rainbow prinny would be back, like a plague, like shiny herpes.
"Because I'm worth it," Rust muttered, using a joke already half an hour old and which he hadn't previously been able to execute. They found themselves amidst a gothic city, with hundreds upon hundreds of people that they knew, or knew of, fighting each other. The necromancer Ged Tenshi faded in and out of walls and floors, a mass of blood which couldn't be stopped by sword, arrow, or hammer. Tetrath screamed in rage as he held Silence and Blitzkrieg by the legs, smashing them into each other until they were no more. Ion commanded an army of helicopters and tanks, because Tiger forgot that he had limits.
And in the centre of it, Batman and the Deathknight.
"That isn't what happens!" the author protested, but by this point his vision was gone. Only chaos remained.
"If I took that off, would you die?" Batman asked, pointing to the Deathknight's helmet.
"ITSHWOULD BE ESHTWEMELY PANEFOOL!" he replied. Tiger and Rust had gotten bored at this point, and were throwing clumps of mud at each other.
"You're a big guy," Batman offered. The Deathknight hung his head in shame and walked away.
"What about the vagina!?" the author protested, pulling at his hair. He had survived car crashes, muggings, and sex changes, but he was worried that this might finally defeat him. He laughed, whilst the sky-vagina rippled, and chaos embraced him.
Jan 27, 13 at 2:30pm
"I am so lost right now," said Rust.
"That's not hard for you," Tiger replied. And it was true, Rust was constantly the voice of unreason in these things. That's why they constantly needed a straight man like Wuff, or Lavir. Not Maxwell, though, he just made things worse.
Rust pulled a pipe, a bowler and a monocle from his pockets and donned them. When he puffed on the pipe, bubbles came out. They were mildly distracting so he stopped for the moment to gather his thoughts. And by "his thoughts," I mean Tiger was thinking.
"It appears as though we've left the game of Parody Quest and found our way into an extremely long short story, old chap." Tiger was smoking a regular pipe, because he was pretty cool like that.
"But that would be rather pish posh my good ma-" And then Tiger slapped Rust across the face.
"Don't try to be British. I think we came to that conclusion back during the Thanksgiving episode when you couldn't realize that we don't have Thanksgiving."
Rust gasped. "YOU DON'T HAVE THANKSGIVING!?" Tiger slapped Rust again, because I find it funny and not because I secretly want Tiger to slap me in real life. "Fair enough. But what novel is it?"
"Look at the sign, Rust."
"Batman Has Sex With The Deathknight." Rust stroked his chin. "I think I can totally get into this book. I mean, I haven't finished reading what's there already, but still."
Jan 27, 13 at 2:20pm
"The pumkip," Tiger said.
"When did you start liking Mudkips?"
"This isn't working, Rust. We need something else to parody."
"And by parody, you mean just like...get drunk and write whatever?"
"Well, Corruption's working on a story, but it's not finished."
"That means nothing. Let's go finish it."
"And just to be dicks, let's not tell people the beginning."
They were in a world that was falling apart because a giant sky vagina was sucking up reality with little bits of blood and sperm swirling around inside of it. Rust and Tiger stared at it with a mixture of awe and revulsion for a second before they set foot into the ending of Blood Red Summer part 106.
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