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Jul 02, 13 at 11:27pm ^haalyle Vs. Vast (Finished)
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Setting: Outside city limits, close to a road and trees. Farming area close by.
1 Intro post (each)
2 Battle posts (each)
1 Victory post
Edit: Aug 27, 13 12:06am
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|Team Hydro Aura||
Jul 03, 13 at 5:17pm ^re: haalyle Vs. Vast (Finished)
haalyle sign me up as a judge
Jul 05, 13 at 11:07am ^re: haalyle Vs. Vast (Finished)
Eeyup. I'll judge :3
Jul 05, 13 at 10:37pm ^re: haalyle Vs. Vast (Finished)
quote Team Hydro AuraAlright, you can judge.
Sorry Dilute, we're looking for more experienced duelists to judge. =\
Jul 05, 13 at 11:11pm ^re: haalyle Vs. Vast (Finished)
Yup Yup Vast, that's fine.
Jul 11, 13 at 1:25pm ^re: haalyle Vs. Vast (Finished)
Jul 12, 13 at 7:29pm ^re: haalyle Vs. Vast (Finished)
Cassie Darkman walked out of the city as calm as she had been in awhile. It had been a long time since she had dueled anyone and was hoping that her target was close by. She still had no idea who her target was and therefore had no exact clue as the whereabouts of where they could be.
She walked near a road that was all alone to itself and hardly anyone was driving on it. The road looked new and fresh; it confused Cassie as to why it was even built there in the first place. Maybe the main road was getting old and the rain made the tar wet which created holes in the road. She didn’t know and she had no reason to find it out.
The farming area around her was quiet except for the moos of the cows and the rosters. She walked toward the old farm house and remembered something similar in a fight she had. Cassie never liked remembering her previous duels.
She saw someone leaning near a tree. He was a little hard to see with wearing green on all his pieces of clothing including his shoes. He must really like the colour green, Cassie thought to herself.
She walked toward him and wondered why he could possibly be here of all places.
“Hey, what are you doing here?” Cassie asked him, stopping in her tracks in case he might attack her or catch her by some sort of surprise.
He looked at her and shrugged, “I’m just hanging around this tree.”
“Oh OK,” She nodded and turned around and was on her way to continue walking near the road.
“What’s your name?” He asked behind her, curiously.
She stopped and turned around, “Cassie, Cassie Darkman. You seem to like the colour green.”
He nodded, “Yeah. I’m Vast.”
“Well nice to meet you hope you have fun hanging around by the tree,” She replied, turning around but just standing there. There was something about him that didn’t seem quite right.
Jul 15, 13 at 4:48pm ^re: haalyle Vs. Vast (Finished)
A boy walked through the night. The only light above him was that of the stars. He liked the light shining down, although it made it a bit difficult see where he was going. He held up his hands, and light began to shine from the tips of his fingers. He made brightness in a four-foot radius around him.
"That's better," he whispered aloud to no one in particular. Then, in the distance his light revealed a moving shadow. He squinted to see it, but he couldn't get a good enough view. He gripped his halo and was ready to fire an attack on the shadow.
He stepped closer, and that's when he realized that it wasn't an attack. It was just a cow. The cow let out a 'mooing' sound when he was in front of him, staring.
"I'm Vast," he introduced himself to the cow. Vast stared at the cow's eyes, and examined everything he could about the cow. He tried to recall the angels of the cow's relatives, but he couldn't. "Damn amnesia!"
A small chicken hopped onto the fence that the boy was leaning on. Vast couldn't see the chicken's past either. He tried to think of his own past, but all he could remember was a duel with an elderly man. He remembered the two shiny knives that the man had wielded, and he remembered the stress that he had felt while fighting him. He wasn't sure if this memory was good or bad.
His stomach growled. He considered eating the cow or chicken, but his mind was against the idea. He saw an orchard past the farm house. Vast raised his hands again and manipulated the light surrounding the orchard. The light revealed an apple. How perfect!
Vast grew his wings and flew over to the apple tree that he had seen before. He grabbed the apple, and then he pulled it off. The apple was juicy and eliminated the boy's hunger problem.
Vast turned and looked at the farm house while eating. He saw a figure--it was a human! He eliminated the light, but he knew she had seen him. She began to approach.
"Hey, what are you doing around here?" she asked. She wore all black.
"Just hanging around, I guess," he tried to laugh as he saw the angels in his mind. "You're Cassie Darkman, aren't you?" the boy asked. She was surprised that he knew, although she didn't say anything.
"Yes...and you are?"
"Me? I'm Vast."
I got 417 words. Feel free to add an extra 20 to your next post. >>
Jul 21, 13 at 12:48am ^re: haalyle Vs. Vast (Finished)
Battle Post 1
Cassie was surprised that he knew her name. She wondered if he was going to be another target for her or not. How did he find out? How did he know? Did he know her past? She certainly hoped not.
She stood her ground, holding on her blades tightly with sweaty palms as her nerves got to her.
“So Vast, what would someone like you be doing around here?” She asked trying to hide her nervousness from her voice and her facial expression.
“You know, just hanging around and eating an apple. How about you?” He asked her politely. If he really knew who she was, she was sure that he wouldn’t be talking to her with suck politeness.
“Just taking a stroll… what do you know about me?” She asked, suddenly with suspicion. Her sudden change of attitude caught him.
“Just a few things about your past, that’s all. I swear,” He said, looking at her with wide eyes. She had a feeling that he may know what she could do. Why was he so calm and polite though? It was as if he somehow knew she wouldn’t harm him…
“A few things in my past,” She muttered to herself, looking down her arm sleeve and seeing the silver of the blade tip poking through it. She wondered if he could see it. She also wondered who he in fact was. She had kept a low profile most of her life, how did he know so much about her when she had hardly met him. She also wondered why there had been so much light.
She let the boy see her blades as a warning, what the warning was for even she did not know. The blades slipped smoothly down her arms and met the ground around her feet. She stood there like a shadow. She had to do something about him, if he knew even this much about her, even she could be dead.
“Why are you showing those off, huh?” He asked her curiously, continuing to eat the apple slowly, but showing no interest in fighting.
She shrugged, “A warning I suppose. If you do any funny moves or anything, just imagine where these will go. But you see I know violence doesn’t solve all problems. I happened to live in a family where that was proven false.”
She held the blades next to her arms and was reading to make a move.
He shook his head and sighed with disappointment, placing the apple softly onto the ground next to the tree and looked reading to run. Where to, she didn’t know.
Vast 435 words. Sorry I was hoping to not go over the limit by too much and yeah sorry for not putting anymore detail into the battle, that one is going to come back and bite me.
Jul 24, 13 at 2:37pm ^re: haalyle Vs. Vast (Finished)
Battle Post 1
She was a little shocked, and her eyes widened. Vast figured that she was confused about her identity being discovered; after all, that's how everyone else reacted when the boy had done that.
Vast watched as the woman gripped a finely-cut sword that she had kept hidden. Her hands seemed to be covered in sweat. He could tell that the woman was nervous. The lady asked Vast what he was doing once again. He replied with the same answer. He mocked her and asked her the same question.
"Oh, I was just taking a stroll around here..." she said as if she was guilty. "Uhh...how much do you know about me...?" He didn't want to tell her all the information he knew, so he only told her a small amount. Information he decided to keep a secret was his knowledge or her fighting techniques and her previous duels.
"Not much. All I know is your past; the angels told me all about it when I lived in a heavenly world." The woman was surprised, although Vast wasn't sure if she was surprised about the knowledge of her past or the mention of the angels. Vast was sure that if he told her that he was an angel, she would be a bit more wary when attacking him.
She drew her blades, but only enough so that the boy was able to know she was armed. The blades slid down her arms onto the ground. The angel asked why she was showing them off as he continued to devour the apple.
"I'm just...warning you...Don't try to attack me! I will fight back!" she exclaimed. Vast was confused; what the hell was this lady talking about?
The sun was now beginning to shine beyond the mountains. Vast dropped his apple and stood up. He stared up at the sun. He was ready--he was ready for a fight.
Aug 19, 13 at 6:31pm ^re: haalyle Vs. Vast (Finished)
Battle Post 2
Cassie looked at Vast curiously and wondered what his next attack was. She hadn’t met such a character and thus didn’t know what any of his skills were. None the less, she had accidentally threatened him and now she was going to have to defend herself.
He ran past her at such a speed she couldn’t believe. She turned to look at her opponent and saw him stand there as if ready for her to chase him. There was no way she was going to run after him that was a trick that anyone could see.
She stood her ground and waited. She was going to chase after him and she wasn’t exactly the type who fought over long distances. If Vast was going to fight her, he was going to have to do close combat.
Instead of running back towards her, he walked to her. She smiled but didn’t attack.
“You know, if you wanna fight you’re going to have to come and get me,” He told her, standing a few meters away from her.
“If you want to fight me you’ll have to come closer,” She replied and continued to wait.
“We’ve reached a stalemate, haven’t we?” He asked and she looked at and didn’t reply.
She looked at him and wondered how exactly was she going to get into a fight with him when they both weren’t doing a thing?
“You’re the one who wanted to fight! I am not impressed,” Vast said, taunting her a little but nothing harsh.
“Says you,” Cassie simply replied, gripping onto her blades tightly making sure not to relax.
Vast crossed his arms and took his attention away from her. Cassie immediately thought that he was thinking something up and she was probably right.
293 words. I could have done way better if I just knew what to write.
Aug 20, 13 at 12:38pm ^re: haalyle Vs. Vast (Finished)
Battle Post 2
Cassie stared at the angel and held onto her blades, ready to attack at any moment. Vast quickly flew around, expecting her to begin to chase him. However, she didn't move. She just stood there--waiting. The boy wasn't exactly a close-range fighter. He preferred long-distance fights, but he wasn't sure if the woman would agree to it. It seemed that she refused to move until he came closer.
Vast withdrew his wings and began to walk closer. Cassie was weary of him, but she didn't fight back.
"What are you doing just standing there?" he questioned her. "If you want to fight me, you're going to have to come and get me!" he said confidently. He grew his wings and began to hover in front of her.
"Really? Because if you want to fight me, you're going to have to fight close-range," she said as she held up her swords. Both were ready to unleash an attack at any time. Neither really wanted to attack, but if they were provoked, they would definitely choose to defend themselves.
"Well, what do you expect me to do? I'm not going to fight you close-range, so what do you suppose we do?"
"I don't know--" Vast cut her off. Cassie sighed and allowed him to speak. She looked at him with an angered look.
"You were the one who wanted a fight in the first-place, so are we going to fight or what?" he said as she was trying to think. He was ready to move in case she decided to try anything funny--and she did.
She swiped at the boy with her blades, but he quickly moved out of the way.
"So that's the way it's going to be?" He smiled. He crossed his arm, and he was ready to release a powerful attack.
302 words. I guess the winner finishes what happens after this?
haalyle Blazing Tempest Team Hydro Aura Clief
|Team Hydro Aura||
Sep 19, 13 at 3:05pm ^re: haalyle Vs. Vast (Finished)
I enjoyed this intro post, though there were a few hitches ("rosters") and you made Vast's character seem a tad bland, but what can you do in 400 words? I'd suggest a larger variety in sentence structure; more commas would help your writing flow more easily. (:
I was kinda disappointed by your first battle post just because neither characters exchanged any blows, and it is a battle post. :< Your details were nice but I feel a warning like the one he gave would send off some signals that would allow her to attack, especially when you remember how she was searching for her unknown target in your first post. It crossed her mind that he could be another target, but she never thought of the fact that he could be her target, y'know? Just something I noticed that didn't line up to me.
I noticed a few more mistakes in your last battle post:
quote haalyleI'm sure you'd have seen them if you'd taken a bit more time to scrutinize your entry before posting it since a majority of your writing is flawless. Since you had time to put it up, I'd suggest that after writing it you let it sit for awhile before re-reading it and editing as necessary. That way you can avoid mistakes and you'll grow more used to the revision process. I understand there was a limited time frame but in my personal opinion revision is vital to crafting good works :>
quote haalyleThis made me laugh 'cos I guess that was what was going through your head at that moment xD
Overall your innovation was great but it's unfortunate that you were unable to find a reason to strike. Your writing was good other than the occasional error, but I enjoyed your style of writing and loved how you capture your characters POV and tie her past into her current decisions. I just feel like a lot of potential was wasted within the battle posts, and the fault doesn't entirely lie on a single duelist's shoulders.
Although your intro post was entertaining, it didn't match up with haalyle's. The differences in conversation seemed to throw you both off. As for your writing, it's great, but you could enhance it via word variety. Ex. instead of using "chicken" twice, use "fowl" or "rooster" the second time. Or, where you use "eliminate", use "eradicate", "extinguish", or "expel". :3 I loved the way you included the scenery too, with the thoughts about the rooster & cow xD
Your first battle post also disappointed me like haalyle's, not because it lacked conflict but because it didn't advance the story. To be honest, this just shows me that you lack the creativity and innovation to craft your own scene; you're just repeating what happened in haalyle's post through your character's POV, and the dialogue still doesn't match up. Your writing wasn't at all bad, I'd just rather you have continued the fight. If you had, it may have turned out more interesting than it did.
You again kinda just repeated haalyle's post, but you did add a bit of your own flair which was better. I noticed that even though your character sprouted wings and started to fly, your opponent showed zero surprise at the sight of them. I'd expect at least a raised eyebrow or something, throw me a bone 'ere. :3
While I adore your writing, which was pretty much flawless, your posts were just repeats of what haalyle had already written out which is a major downer to me. You tried to change things to make your posts different, but this ended up causing confusion more than aiding your side. The point of having two people participate is to keep the battle moving and the ideas flowing, try to do that from now on rather than summarizing the previous post
To be blatantly honest, Vast was the better writer, but haalyle was the one doing most of the work, so I'm giving the win to haalyle. Again, I feel like a lot of potential was wasted; I was interested to see how these two would interact and how they would use the abilities at their disposal against each other, but it ended up just being a stalemate because neither competitor would take the first strike. I'm kinda hoping you try at it again, actually
This is my first time judging, sorry if it doesn't make sense and/or isn't very good... :X
The last Tyen
total posts: 5819
since: May 2010
Dec 19, 13 at 11:10pm ^re: haalyle Vs. Vast (Finished)
Okay, so here is the judging. Be warned, it is a bit harsh. Please don't let my judging dishearten anyone here, but I do need to call it as I see it as I really want to see you both grow and get better. The only way i can do that is by trying to pick on every flaw I see. It's what was done to me, and if I didn't pay attention to what was said, I wouldn't be the writer I am now.
Like I said, this judging is harsh...sorry.
Okay, so I don't know much about these characters, all I have to go by is their profiles, so bear with me.
Okay straight off the bat, I feel as though the first sentence needs a comma somewhere, or just a rephrasing of words. For example, “Cassie Darkman walked out of the busy city, it was the calmest she had been in some time.” By putting an adjective before city, it feels more like a place instead of just a setting. Also, in the next sentence you use the word dueling, making a direct reference to the forum. If I'm honest, I don't much like this. It works when you have a character like Steven, who in his profile sheet actually has the NDL and such in there, but as a normal character I don't think it works, especially as it seems that Cassie comes across as an assassin, and they don't duel. Just something to think about in the future.
Next paragraph, the first sentence is off again. I think it's poorly worded and needs a comma in here too. Something along the lines of “She walked adjacent to an almost deserted road, a car coming past every now and then.” It reads and flows better, and makes me more interested in the road. The way you have written it, it just sounds like another piece of information with no weight to it. Now I know, it's a road, but unless it has some weight to it and you want me to notice it, then don't include it. In fact, this whole paragraph has been wasted due to the last sentence. You've just spent this time trying to get me invested in this road, as though it is important, perhaps the setting for the duel, but then you have Cassie not care and not want to know anything about. What you've done by doing this is make all that information you just gave me redundant, and a waste of my time reading it. With a piece of writing as short as this, I would try to avoid this.
Okay, she's just walked out of the city and now she's at a farm? Did I miss something? You need to explain the time passing if you're going to do this. You need to remember that although you may know what's going on, as the reader I can only know what you tell me. It's good to have me think about things and make my own assumptions, but I don't know of any city that turns into farming as you walk out of it.
“He was a little hard to see with wearing green on all his pieces of clothing including his shoes. “ I'm sorry, I know I'm being picky, but I need to be if I want you to improve, and I do, but this sentence is too cluttered and too incoherent. Something like, “he blended into the scenery wearing nothing but green, even his shoes, making it hard to see his features.” It flows better and I can now understand what's going on. Also, I like the thought process of Cassie, I do it with Clief a lot and I feel like it really gets across a characters personality, gets readers to attach a bit better, and the use of it here was good.
“She walked toward him and wondered why he could possibly be here of all places.
“Hey, what are you doing here?” Cassie asked him, stopping in her tracks in case he might attack her or catch her by some sort of surprise. “ These can be blended into one sentence. Something like “”Hey. what are you doing here?” she called out to him, wondering why he would be in such a place. She stopping before getting too close, wanting to keep her distance in case he was foe and not friend.”
It flows better this way, and doesn't feel too cluttered. You really need to learn how to use a comma as well.
“Oh OK,” She nodded and turned around and was on her way to continue walking near the road. Too much information and no breaks. Something like “ She nodded and turned, continuing down the road.” There's much less words here and it says the same thing.
Now, I know I've picked on a lot, but its the writing of it that's the problem. The idea is okay, and you end it well, leaving it up to Vast to come up with a way of fighting. Overall, a good intro post, it does what it needs to, there's just a lot of grammar issues that you need to work on.
You don't need to last sentence in the first paragraph. It's too much with it there, and is otherwise a good start to where Vast left off. Her questioning what's going on is nice and believable too. Nice touch.
When did she pull her blades out? This is another case f you needing to slow things down and take your time. I think you rush your writing too much. Slowing things down and thinking about what you want to portray is more important that getting to the action.
I think you both need to decide, or at least portray how dark it is. I've got details on a road, i've got it being dark, but everyone can see everything like features. Cassie shouldn't be worried about vast seeing her face, it's dark. Remember, it's night time, visibility is low. What your characters are seeing, they shouldn't be able to see, unless its a full moon and if thats the case, then Vast would have no need to light things up. You both need to portray this much better.
There are parts here that you have Cassie questioning, but would really work well if you have it as her thought process to really draw me into her character. You had it at the start, it's important to keep it going.
How long are Cassie's sleeves? Before she was holding her blades tightly, now only the tip is poking out of her sleeve? Also, it's not bright at the moment, Vast stopped lighting the place up at the end of his last post.
Overall, this post was better as an intro than a battle. In fact, there was no battle, so that was disappointing. It would've worked better if you had the dialouge in between them doing some form of battle. It was a lot more polished than your intro, but over all, I'm a bit disappointed in it..
Nice start to it, sets up a nice little bit of battle, although I feel it's a little late. Right now they should be almost getting to the point of bringing their fight to a close, not starting it. Still, you can only do with what you've got, and you do this start pretty well. I think you meant wasn't instead of was, otherwise, pretty solid so far.
And here is where it falls apart. You start to build things up, then just stop. You stop everything. This started out to be a good post and then it just fell away abruptly. You needed to continue the fighting. I don't mind having some dialogue during the fighting, in fact I encourage it as it breaks up constant battle and helps pace your writing, but when you stop everything you've just built up, it kind of wrecks what you just built up. I understand you weren't sure of what to do, but doing something wrong is better than doing nothing at all.
Overall, it was a pretty lackluster set of posts. There were nice moments, but overall you didn't achieve what needed to be done. I can accept the lack of polish if there is some good content, but there wasn't, sorry...
Okay, so I know nothing about you're character, only what I've read on your character profile.
The first paragraph is very stop start. You tell me some information, then don't expand on it, then move to something else. You need to expand on things, or use comma's instead of full stops, that way it flows better. Also, the description of you lighting your surrounding could be a little better, as it doesn't quite flow. Something like “He held up his hand, light emitting from the tips of his fingers and illuminating a 4 foot area around himself.” It flows better.
You don't need to put 'aloud' here as to whisper means your talking. Also, before you said he had a 4 foot radius around him, but now he can see in the distance from this little light? And he immediately grabs his halo? If he's in his human form, then I see that as unlikely. Wouldn't he just be cautious instead of getting ready for combat straight away. There is being cautious, but still ready, and then there is being unrealistic. Unless your character is just untrusting of every single person, then this wouldn't be believable as he tries to avoid confrontation, not start it.
His light revealed one apple? I think it wouldn't been better to say that he saw some apple trees. Seeing one apple is a bit silly lol. Also, you need to tell me that its the apple tree he saw before, you literally just said this to me, I'm not going to think it's a different tree/apple, and it actually doesn't matter anyway, you're in a orchard of them. One specific tree isn't the problem.
The bit a speech has really bugged me. If you're going to overlap what haalyle did, the the speech needs to be word for word. What you did is a big no no. It went from Cassie telling Vast her name, to him guessing it. Something to keep in mind.
I see you went over the word limit, but then I see haalyle do the same in the next post, so I wont count it against either of you.
Okay, enough of the description of things. It's dark, there's no light at the moment coming from Vast. You both need to work on this. I know, I'm over reacting to it, but it's through out the entire duel...lol
Also, haalyle left you with an opportunity to start the battle, you didn't take it. Now there is more talking and no fighting yet. I'm disappointed in this as well.
Okay, overlapping in an intro post is expected, even sometime at the start of a battle post, but for the whole post? You've told me everything I already know. You need to progress the duel, not stall it. Haalyle is giving you bones and your just burying them. You need to continue the duel from where she left off, not where you left off, otherwise you may as well just write a chronicle post each about this encounter.
Not a good battle post if I'm honest. The overlapping ruined it. Otherwise, it's a nice piece of writing. Mistakes here and there, but overall I could follow what was happening. As a piece of writing, it was good, as a battle post, it was bad.
Nice piece of writing, I couldn't really pick up any flaws in the writing itself, but you did the same here as you did with your previous post. You just overlapped what has already happened. There is nothing new in this post, and because of it, there's no battle either. It's literally just a copy and past but in your own words.
Overall, you have some nice polish in your writing. It could do with a little work, and some more attention to detail, like what your adversary has written would be nice too. All of this was rendered moot though as you didn't do anything new, you just copied everything haalyle did.
As a verdict, I have to give it to haalyle. Even though your writing is not as polished as Vast's, you were at least trying to progress the duel, where as Vast was not. Also, if either of you is finding it hard to put your character in a situation to actually fight another character, especially one that doesn't fight in the same range as yours, then I suggest tampering with your characters or coming up with new ones. There were some okay moments in this duel, but it was all wasted, which is a disappoiment.
If I'm being perfectly honest, and unfortunately I need to be so I can see you improve, there wasn't a lot of good in this duel.
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