Versen V.S. Steven: Solidiers and Civilians (Steven wins)

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Intro Post: Present tense going to past tense? No. Do not do this. Every time you do this, a kitten is strangled in hell.
I'm not a big fan of the narration style in written form. (That is, "our tale", "our hero", things like that). It's better for something that's designed to be spoken word rather than read.
"With it's great food..." - its.
I find it hard to believe that a couple can walk into a booth, pick an item, pay for an item, and leave wearing said item all before someone has a chance to say a single word, like "wait, but that amulet is cursed!" I mean, if I were told that I'd probably buy the item anyway because I'm a Clueless Civilian, but at least it's more realistic.
Also, I'm still not entirely sure how this has set up for the duel, unless I suppose the man in question is Steven.

Battle post 1: "...the immortal let his prescience be known." - I assume you mean presence here, as he's not given any hint of seeing the future
I do not like you calling your character "our hero". For one it's a pretty archaic narrative style, but at the same time you're assuming that the reader is considering Blitz the hero and Steven the villain, rather than reading two alternate viewpoints of the same battle.
Raising himself onto a pedestal is just needless posturing when you could be getting to the battling, too.
'forget. ”, proclaimed' - I see your punctuation is breeding here.
"rattling of it's long chain" - its. In fact, I think you've got its/it's the wrong way round every time you use it.
In your penultimate paragraph, you use ellipses that don't need to be there at all. I'm not a fan of ellipses in narrative (as opposed to dialogue). The first one should be a full stop, the second probably a colon.
The last half of the post, the battle between Derek and Blitz, was a good read, though.

Battle post 2: You directly repeated the last two lines of Steven's post. I could maybe understand why you'd rewrite them slightly, perhaps to get Blitz's perspective on what happens, but you've literally copy and pasted. Not only is that kinda lazy, it's also pointless as I literally just read those two lines.
"but Blitzkrieg was past caring" is a very strange way of phrasing it. When you say that I imagine that he's given up, or that he no longer has any interest in the outcome of the battle, not that he has a way of countering the bullets.
Please, please, please stop using ellipses in the narrative. It's not a correct usage of them for one. Secondly, it's annoying.
Also, Blitz just... just blew up the Staff of the Gatekeepers? Why would he do that? What possible advantage does it gain him after he's just taken it from Steven's limp, unresisting fingers?
.”, again. I'm suspecting you don't actually know how to punctuate speech now. A quick glance through all your posts indicates that this is the case. You don't have punctuation outside of the speech marks, it all goes within: [," he said], [!" he said], [?" he said], etc.
You can't actually have a "glass jaw" as a location to target. The term refers to the ability to take a blow to the head in general. If Steven has a glass jaw, such a blow would probably have straight knocked him out.
"let the awesome out" - he might know what the terms mean, but it's a very weird turn of phrase for someone so old to say, especially after such an "I'm old and wise" precursor speech.
So many *bleep*ing ellipses, I'm going to make a stew out of them.
You've gone from denoting thoughts with 's to not doing anything at all, which is a break in writing style continuity and also kind of jarring.
"managed to grasp her arm" - implying it's hard when she just stood there and gaped at the fact that Derek is apparently a bloody mess on the floor?
"Blitzkrieg was trying to save everyone, they just couldn't see it." - After the earlier comments about the caring soul having vanished, this seems very unlikely to me.

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Intro post: Ah, right, so the couple is you and Neon. Fair enough.
I don't like the random switch from first person to third person. It seems the first bit is meant to be thoughts, but really it would have been much better written in third person as part of the narrative, considering what's described.
Size one font is quite difficult to read in big chunks, so I'm going to zoom in.
Good to see you getting off to a good start with some casual racism there...
So, Steven goes from being suspicious to being afraid, and immediately buys the amulet anyway? If she's put them under a spell, it could've done with a bit more elaboration. Was the sneezing a reaction to the magic? Basically, I'm confused.
Still, fine enough post at the end of the day.

Battle post 1: Oh, I like what you do with the staff!
I, uh, yeah. Without knowing properly how the medigun works I can't comment on the realism of the post. I think the medigun assault may have gone on a little too long, although I liked that Derek had his bluff called by Blitz, who after all is meant to have a lot of experience on his side. I liked the continuity nod with the Portal gun too, it not actually being of any use whatsoever. Although I thought it was the middle of the day, so how come he can even see the moon in the first place?
If he was shooting that close to blitz's feet, considering the spray of a shotgun, either he should have realised that the bullets bounce off his armour or Blitz should have had a very injured foot, whichever is applicable.
I do like this post though, it's a good piece of work.

Battle post 2: "In his blind rage..." This sentence runs on for a quite considerable length. It would probably be better split into two.
I would complain that Derek has got up and is totally fine after being beaten to a pulp, but Versen said that in his post (without any explanation) so... fine, I guess.
I can see that you seemed to be leading in to another post or two with Blitz and Steven as allies, but I think it would have been better put at the end of the post, so that either the duel could finish as a blitz vs Steven duel with that as the victory post, or so they could be a whole couple of posts devoted to the team-up.
Still, I liked the post, although I think there should have been a little more focus on the aftermath of the methane canister explosion - some people screaming and running in the distance, maybe. (There would still be people capable of seeing it even if they've fled the battlefield, after all). Also, people ran off to the police in like the first set of posts and this hasn't yet been elaborated on.

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Well, that was certainly interesting. I think however, that a combination of Versen's tense switching in his intro and the lack of battle in half his battle post means I'm going to give this to Steven. A good duel though, and I apologise if I seem overly critical to either of you. If you'd like some elabroation on anything I've said, just shoot me a PM

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Aah Blitz, it's been a while, let's see what you're up to.

Well now, this is an interesting way to start your post, a classical, mayhaps even retro storytelling style. I rather like it, both the idea and the execution, the entire first paragraph seems absolutely free of typo or shaky writing, polished clean from capital to full stop, bravo .

Ah, here we go, first typo, a space before a full stop, which is quite easily Ctrl-F searched and came after "circuses". Not that it matters in the least honestly, but I'm suspicious you'll leave me sparingly little genuine room for critique in this post, if it carries on like this.

I will say there's something very slightly off-feeling about the third paragraph. I think mainly it's the way "The assorted items" just kind of pops out at you. I do know what items you're talking about, but the previous paragraph painted to me painted a picture of a rickety spooky looking old cart. In the picture book of my mind that's where I was, still looking at the cart from the outside, although I knew about the items it held I hadn't focused on them yet, it was more "It was the kind of place to sell such devilish things". So when the next paragraph is "The assorted items", I kind of have to rush to go from focusing on the cart to picturing the items and their surroundings, which means picturing the inside of the cart unless they're on display out front, which itself is a minor but existing issue in the clarity of things. I'm doing that thing where I take a really quite minor wrinkle and really milk it for a heck of a lot of examination, so this is a very small hiccup really, but it's a good demonstration of a principle that has a lot of use in bigger things too. To get to the solution, simply adding "inside the cart" or "in front of the cart" after "The assorted items" would bring me into focus on the items before prodding me to imagine a visualisation of various curses and trapped demons. Did you play Sonic 3 per chance? It's kind of like how the small level transitions in Sonic 3 did wonders for giving a feel of progression, rather than 1 and 2's "And now I'm in a casino suddenly!".

Anyway, now I've got my retro cred up, you have a fairly fast and to the point writing style and I definitely don't want to beat that into being one of those prose-bloated discourses that take 100's of words to impart basic information, but there are times where, here and there, a few extra words would help things click together more neatly. For example, we have this rather nice sentence that brings us smoothly into the perspective of your character: "Blitzkrieg, a man on the run yet again, has decided to hide in plain sight. He has come to the city of Antrim to sneak into a local World Government base". This is good, and I have no complaints, neat as you please I'm in his shoes, and I know his general situation. This is followed by "The town was made as a social experiment and...", which is an impersonal statement of fact. It's not really connected to Blitz's perspective in any way, and it's not something simple to fit into his current perspective like say "Blitz walked down the road. The sky was blue". I kind of have to mentally say "Hold on Blitz, I've got a call on the other line", put him on hold for a moment, and zoom out to imagining an entire government running city-scale social experiments in that kind of time-distilled way where you don't focus on any one event so much as a trend of activity over years. And it's just a bit of a shame cus I like feeling connected to Blitz. Prefixing the sentence with "Blitz had learned" or "He was aware" or even "He knew", and while we're at it probably changing "was" to "had been", would let you get all the same information across without separating taking it in from your character's perspective.

I write Hella long votes don't I? Anyway, both the above examples have a common theme of "A few more connecting words here and there would fix it", so I'm basically just trying to help you to refine your style without compromising its light fast unencumbered quality. Anyways, moving on.

"He felt a childlike sense of excitement and an old man's sense of nostalgia at the same time" Blitz really is a ying-yang of a character isn't he? This is the kind of thing that can come across as inconsistent characterisation if done poorly, but it's quite clear here that you're aware of the contrast, and it's intentional, which is good. It's good to have a character who is curiously scitzo in some regards as opposed to their portrayal seeming random, so kudos on this making it clear.

"As he listened to the music and tasted different delicacies, he remembered how the world used to be. This ended when he saw the booth" I feel like I should object to denying us the nostalgia trip your character had, but the abruptness and subversion of a rather common trop is actually kind of amusing to be honest, hehehe, "I remember the old days... But enough about that". This is more commentary than critique, really, I should focus.

"The question is" I think this should've been "the question was", but I can't recall for sure.

“What should I do?” He asked out loud.

Ack, characters speaking aloud when uncalled for, noooo! Hehehe, ah it's not that bad really, a short outburst and isolated thus far, so allowable. Anyway, all in all this intro post was good, it felt like it was about 90% of what it could have been, so high up there, with only the "For want of a few extra words" effect I mentioned above making it feel a little jittery in places. The ending scenario was a tiny bit hammy, but what the heck, at the same time it very clearly gives a reason for the conflict sure to ensue, so I commend that.

'Perhaps moving towards them with Viper in your hand wasn't the best choice'', thought Blitzkrieg as he picked the last of the curry from his hair. Still, it couldn't be helped now.

Okay. Best tongue-in-cheek ribbing of your opponent's previous post I've seen in a long time, I am going to get up from my seat... There, and type that I am giving you a standing ovation then do so.

I'm onto your first battle post BTW if it wasn't clear.

"Blitzkrieg moved toward through crowd" oh noes, mind those editing errors! But I really liked the comment on Steven not being a real hero, just wanting to seem like one, damn good writing there buddy (which isn't a slam on Steven, it's just Blitz's view of him and it's well-penned as such).

"the immortal let his prescience be known" prescience! And then a line break mid-sentence a bit later. I'm not sure if you were in a hurry or something on this one, but it feels a bit rushed for the rather simple mistakes. We've got a "the the" a bit later, yeah, you must've been in a hurry here.

So Blitz does some fancy stuntwork to spook the locals away and try to ruffle Steven. I'm kind of on the fence about his speech, it's pretty badass, it just felt a bit premature and unless he can back it up in short order following it, it'll feel a bit overhyped. So let's see where this goes. But first, Steven's reaction, to whit: "With a rebellious glare in his eyes the warrior drew a laser pistol from his back pocket and a small orb from his front-right pocket". Now, this isn't really bad per say, but it's pretty lengthy without a comma, which is a shame as it goes into a kind of needless level of detail. Unless you were trying to prove you read Steven's profile thoroughly, the exact pocket specification is excessive. You couldn't written "With a rebellious glare in his eyes, the warrior drew a laser pistol and small orb from his pockets", I even threw a comma in there if you fancied one. That aside, Steven's speech was pretty badass too, you're definitely setting the stage with style here. "Derek, rise for battle buddy!" felt a tad cheesy in the wake of this, but for all I know that's his official summoning cry, either way I'll let it slip, things are getting good .

And the action kicks off suddenly! Again, for want of a few extra words to connect the transition from "Derek emerged" to "Derek was within melee range of Blitz". Heck, even a comma before he went all drill-like would've helped, but the damage is mitigated by the fact it's action time. I like how Blitz admits he was boasting to try and bluff his way through things, stops it coming off as the writing itself failing to live up to it if he doesn't cause craters now, plus it's just good character.

Staff-rifle firing daggers? Okay, that's freaking awesome. It just is. Oh and dude it has a chain like Scorpion's spear too? When did this suddenly go from pretty cool to Hell yes ? "Blazing hot water" is a curious phrase, I'd go with steaming hot, but otherwise this is pretty kickass. I'm not sure if this dance of blades is Blitz just using his dagger or if he's using the whole staff too, but again, minor issue, I'm enjoying this.

"Kid wasn't exactly a crack shot" hahaha.

Using electricity on Derek was smart, both for Blitz and for you conveying a justifiable way of putting him down for the count. There was yet again a slight jump as Derek snaps from breaking out of what I assume was some kind of electrical cage-hold to unconscious, having a "collapsing as he broke free" or something in there would dispel the 180 snap from the triumph of breaking out to the defeat of knocked out.

"everything seemed to make since" I really wish that said "sense" like it meant to, cus that was a pretty cool finish. All in all, this post wanted for a proofreading, and had that same problem of seeming to skip a little now and then that the intro post had, but otherwise had a pretty badass level of style in it, the dialogue was very well done, and the whole staff-chain-dagger thing rocks.

Alright, your last battle post. Literally copy-pasting the end of the previous post seems a tad bit cheeky, but anyways, Blitz uh, I hope isn't going to respond to being called a Gary Stu by acting like one with sudden power gains out of nowhere. At least they're bloody cool powers either way.

Also, I just noticed, post is kind of short isn't it ? I hope it's good while it lasts at least, cus so far this duel has had some damn good stuff going on in it, and a notable chunk of it from you, so I hope it doesn't end on an anti-climax. Let's see though. Hahaha, he IS reacting to being called a Gary Stu, and honestly, that could've been pretty badass if just done for a while, but I think you took it too far, and kind of overplayed the angle. Maybe you took the comment personally, I can't say for sure, but yeah, that spoiled it to be honest, if you'd opened up a can on Steven and Derek for a bit, or even a medium while, but let them do something towards the end of the post, then it would have worked, but as is I'm really not a fan of one-sided disrespecting your opponent, and while you acknowledged it you still did it pretty much bookend to bookend. It was a neat idea, as a response, but the post needed something more besides it. As is, I'm gonna have to say this is probably going to be what cost/s you the duel. But hey, there was some badassery in there, real coolness, the melting bullets and such. What wasn't written hurt this post, but what was written had some good parts to it, so take that for what it's worth .

So, summary time. Your first and second posts I thought were good, and while I felt Steven's intro was a little better, it wasn't by a huge margin, while I'm honestly not sure which battle post of the first set I like more, but I think if I had to pick I'd be leaning towards yours. However your last post just let the side down, you were behind up until then but by a gap you could've closed, and that post had a neat idea in it, but it was an idea that really needed counterbalancing to pay off right, and that counterbalance just wasn't there. I want to stress that what you did wasn't wrong, heck there was some damn cool stuff in that "Oh I'm that am I?" rebuke of Blitz'. What you didn't do was the fatal factor, next time make sure something like that is part of a post, not the whole.

In terms of advice, the second post was hurting for a proofread, but the first and third seemed far better, so I'm gonna guess that was a freak incident. The biggest thing I'd work on is those few extra words now and then I mentioned several times to join A to B and get to Z without missing a few letters on the way. If you could fix that, and your last post hadn't been so unbalanced, then you really could have won this I think, because you wrote some freaking awesome dialogue full of badassery, and had some epic action moments like the staff-chain-dagger shooting similarly full of badassery, like more than I've ever seen from you before. That was honestly impressive, as in I'd feel proud if I wrote such a cool piece of work, so despite the loss, damn good show.

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I got the feeling, way back, that this duel was kind of personal, not in a bitter way but like playground rough-housing. I'm interested to see how it goes .

Hmm, a first person intro. Like Versen interestingly different, and good move on the italics to clearly mark where it happens and where it will switch to a more conventional style. The section itself is well written, very nicely fitted to the thinking patterns and texture of your character (and perhaps yourself), really good work. The only microbe of criticism I'd level is that while I don't know what Junction One is (I infer some kind of shopping centre, mall or arcade), unless kids are unusually verbose these days, there's no way a name like that would continued to be used in its full length by a teenager every time. The second or certainly the third time, even in an internal voice, it would surely be J-One or J1 or something as a casual handle. I mean this is the NDL, not the Neo-Duelist League in my head 9 times out of 10, that's not just me is it ?

"A balding Indian man with a big black moustache got up from his collapsible metal chair and picked up one of those polystyrene boxes that hot food comes in" there are times when a long run-on sentence can enhance the intended feel of the writing but this doesn't seem like it was meant to do that and instead comes off as rather mundane actions happening at an incredibly nonstop rapid pace like this guy just sprang from his chair and swept that box up with kung fu reflexes all in one motion holy crap. I'm childish. But yeah, a comma or two would've been apt, maybe after "chair", and change "and picked up" to "bending over to pick up" or something alike.

I dig the diplomacy skills. Also it's paid, not payed. The more you know!

Saying "and returned to where Melanie was" makes it sound like he went a pretty long way from her to get that curry. It's kind of like saying "And journeyed back to Melanie's location", it kind of carries a vibe of a big trip. Just "and went/walked/double jumped back to Melanie" would suffice.



Musab? Damn you, teasing my curiosity with references, well played sir.

"After a long line of food stalls, there were a few stalls selling handmade bracelets and other jewellery" the second "stalls" feels redundant, just making it "a few that sold" would cover that they are still stalls, just not food stalls.



Okay, I think it's fair to say without malice that Blitz is a bit of a nutter. But having him first give his presence and intentions away by addressing Melanie, sabotaging the element of surprise, then not even give her a second to say "£25 and it's yours", lunging at her with a knife (which I hope was to slash the thing off her, not slash her), sabotaging any hopes of diplomacy as well, well... You kind of made him hold the didn't-think-this-through villain ball there, was a little cliché. That said, curry to the noggin, hah, nice.

All in all, a solid intro post, had a few minor issues but nothing I can really pin a consistent root cause to, so no glaring shortcoming or anything. The last thing with Blitz was probably the worst offender, fumbling your opponent's character is always taboo in my book, but it was the only real stain on an otherwise very entertaining and well-executed piece of writing.

Alright, onto the battle posts now, and your first one. And, huh, is it short or does the font just make it look that way? Ah well, time to read and find out!

So we pick up right from Versen's previous post well. It should've been "and told him" or "telling him", but minor point. Hahaha, oh man, the Medigun. You know, right now I'm listening to this while doing my vote, so that put a grin on my face. I like how even in such a situation he still thinks of a video game item to help him out, and I don't just mean that in a comedic sense, it's honestly quite realistic, God knows if I could have any weapon and needed one ASAP I'd probably pull something out of Devil May Cry or the like. It's the closest most of us have to fighting experience, use what's tried and tested eh?

That said, green light? What team are you on son?

I would give a small down mark for undoing your opponent's set-up situation pretty much right away when he had put things in place for a good fight between Steven and Blitz directly. Derek is part of your character sheet but I hope you don't hide behind him the whole duel. So a down mark for that, but a small one as it is so far.

Luls at "G'WAAAAAN", and Blitz was playing possum? That's a good make-up for making him act kind of foolishly at the end of your last post. And you know, for a moment I really hoped that Steven was going to use the Kritzkrieg against Blitzkrieg. Oh well, invulnerability is default and makes more tactical sense for his original use of the item as well as having more use right now.

You're a total Valve whore, but that portalable surface failure was executed so damned well that I'm honestly just grinning right now. Bloody fantastic .

Here: "By now, Steven had arsed around so much with portals that he barely had time to block Blitzkrieg's Attila with his own" there first half is very funnily phrased (you're good at that), but the last bit is confusing. Does Steven have an Attila too, or was it meant to be "his own *something*" there? Just a little confusing. And we have a Counter-Strike reference too, possibly unintentional.

Oh! Wait, I get it now, he morphed one of his own into being. Could've done with an explanation I think, but still, partial credit, it makes more sense than I first thought. "His own copy" perhaps, and did he summon the shotgun too? Maybe Atilla has a shotgun built in, I'm confused, aaahh!

Hahaha, calling him Gary-Stu, poor Blitz, but turn around is fair play I guess. Well, all in all that wasn't as short as I feared it might be, and was a pretty good post too. The weapon summoning got a little confusing, and Steven did get involved in the fight (come to think of it, after supposedly being "revitalised" Derek just kind of vanishes for the end third of the post, maybe he was healed his stamina wasn't restored?). So yeah, good post, a bit confusing in places but overall nice one.

And onto the last post of the duel. I'm not sure you actually had the element of surprise, but anyway, right back into the fray, commendable.



And Melanie gets her kicks in. I'm glad you kept her out of the action until Versen brought her in, not that I don't like her, but this is Steven's (with Derek) duel. I see you're giving Blits a stomping, but make sure to let him get something in after a bit, and hey, Mel blows hot air. Oh the punality.

Luls, Derek sounds like he's objecting. I like how you're playing out the demon angle and actually doing something with it, it sort of validates Blitz' concern, and lends more weight and credibility to this entire ordeal (I'm so tired of "I must act before X!" as an excuse to fight, then X never comes).

"Her dagger was clasped between her teeth, and then she had it in her hand, and then she had it in Derek's side" that was a really cool way to convey how fast she was moving, stylish work. The wind-slashing of Blitz was sweet too, the "Pervert!" line was funny, and the whole next paragraph is basically packed with kickass action. The steam trick was cool too, and the final moment with Steven struggling to trust Blitz was very naturally and convincingly written and a good cliffhanger.

And that wraps up the duel. I'll say that you won my vote, so well done. I feel your intro had a lot of character, and while Versen's was good too I'd say you edged him out for the vibrancy of your alter-ego's personality showing in the writing. Your first battle posts were pretty much tied, he had more sheer coolness while yours had more polish and a great comedic moment. Your last post was also a good piece of work, and Versen fell down at this point, so while until then you had a small lead, basically yeah, you clearly won this. As I said earlier, I can't really draw a consistent theme through the various minor mistakes and slips in your posts. You did give Blitz a bit of an idiot ball moment at the end of your intro post, and at times things got confusing as you failed to mention some pertinent details, but overall you just had general human error slips that don't have much in common and are more just a sign of you being merely mortal. Your humour was a very strong point for you in this, and I like that you managed to be funny while keeping the action and weight of the fight intact, instead of turning it slapstick and cartoonish. All in all, a damn fine duel to read, and a very good showing for your part in it. I commend you on your victory .

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This one is pretty easy to spell out. You both did well, intro posts were good, I felt Steven's was a little better. First battle post set was also good and about evenly matched, leaving Versen behind but close enough to very practically catch up. However, Versen's second battle post was poorly-balanced, while Steven's kept up his side, so that pretty much sealed the win for Steven. I've given you both what advice I can, and this was a fun read .