|REPLY TO THIS THREAD START NEW THREAD|
Oct 31, 10 at 11:30pm ^Telepathic Rollercoaster (Ultimaodin vs Tseng_Eclipse)
Log in to remove this advertisement
1 introduction post
3 battle posts
1 victory post
A midnight funpark on the foreshore of a large city. Battle will take place in the early hours of the morning as first hints of light creep across the sky.
Non-Battle Characters: (Character's subject to be used in a battle post by either member)
Edit: Apr 17, 11
|posts in thread|
Oct 31, 10 at 11:34pm ^re: Telepathic Rollercoaster (Ultimaodin vs Tseng_Eclipse)
Exchanging Fairy Floss Christelle and Johno both laughed at each other like little children. They were now passing through the shopping district of the fun park heading towards the entrance or in their case the exit. It was now roughly 4:25 am yet both seemed to have a skip in their step after their star gazing session on the Ferris wheel.
While the Ferris Wheel had been the least adrenalin inducing out of all the attractions they had ridden on it was quite possibly the most memorable. Christelle and Johno had shared stories of their past as they arced a hundred meters in the air with the stars being visible for the first time since being in the area. The stars themselves weren't altogether bright with the first sign of morning light creeping up the horizon but the view had still been spectacular. In fact Johno personally thought that the purple to green gradient sky speckled with the dulling lights of the stars themselves was the most serene setting he had ever gazed at. Christelle on the other hand seemed to see it as completely romantic as she snuggled up to him the entire ride downward.
Now the two were back to being themselves as they ripped pieces of cotton candy from their sticks, letting the sugar dissolved even as the talked random nonsense. Busker's square, which they were no approaching, was muffled compared to earlier, only about half the acts remained whilst the others had either left or were preparing to leave. The fountain in the centre seemed to hold more beauty than ever before the light from horizon reflecting off the glass like women. The water pouring out was gleaming and shimmering more than it had from the light of the other woman that was now turned off. As Johno walked passed, yet again observing the title the water suddenly stopped flowing.
'Where do you think you're going you mongrel?'
There may have been fewer buskers but the square was still packed with people making noise. While all the screams, shouts and laughter may have been muffled the voice Johno had just heard had been crystal clear. In fact the voice didn't seem like it had come from anywhere from around him, but as if it had come from inside his own head. Mongrel was an Aussie term so maybe he was just feeling sleep deprived. It could be possible it had been some unconscious crazy thought. Johno wasn't ready believe that though. The voice had been commanding and almost godly in tone.
What Johno hadn't realised was that he had come to a complete halt and an expression of distress had taken over his face.
“Johnny what's up?” Christelle questioned in concern, “Are you ok?”
Where ever the voice came from was not Johno's immediate worry. It was obvious the question from inside his mind was attempting to bait him into staying in the park. Obviously this would be advantageous to them. Instead Johno decided it best to get out of here regardless what the psychic had spoken to him.
“I think we best get out of here now!”
This time they both froze on the spot after taking but a step. It seemed Christelle had heard the voice as well this time round.
'Where are you going?' this time the threatening voice followed up with spitting there names into each of their respective heads 'Johno? Christelle?'
This was obviously an intimidation tactic and judging by the horror struck look on Christelle's face, the fear prominent in her saturated eyes, it had worked!
“Christelle, get out of here!” Commanded Johno. “I will deal with this feral mind freak, you jus-”
'Not so fast!' The voice cutting him off, this time it seemed irritated. 'We wouldn't want those thugs from earlier to attack her now would we?'
Johno and Christelle looked at each other in fear before searching the crowd for some sort of clue as to who was tormenting them.
'After all, I'm pretty certain they wouldn't be happy with what you did earlier.'
With no sign of who was intruding into their minds Johno grabbed Christelle's wrist. “We need to just ignore what he says and both get out of here immediately.”
Spinning around the two found themselves facing the glazed over eyes of a small child. The young boy gave off a possessed vibe that became all the more haunting when he spoke.
“What don't you want to play with me? Where's your sense of adventure?” The child's tone was straight out sadistic, it was almost as if he were about to rip the head of the stuffed rabbit he held in his arms. “I honestly do not want to hurt anybody unnecessarily.”
Terror consumed both Johno and Christelle even as the child's expression returned to one of complete innocence and confusion. Even when the kid looked side to side then running off calling for his “mummy” they stood, scared stiff. It was obvious the character could do a little more than read their minds. However the extent of his powers wasn't known.
Finally Johno gripped his hands into fists and stared out towards the depths of the park. Trying to put volume to his thoughts he attempted to question the puppeteer, 'Alright then mate, what do yah want!?'
|posts in thread|
Dec 22, 10 at 3:10pm ^re: Telepathic Rollercoaster (Ultimaodin vs Tseng_Eclipse)
Memories of The Standard
Memories of Clief
Sorry about the lateness of this!
Ion tapped his communicator in yet another failed attempt at making it work. He was frustrated. Stranded. This planet was full of morons and people who would kill him for asking a question with very little in between, and he didn’t like how little he knew.
I suppose I shall have to continue trying to find an answer I am increasingly suspecting cannot be found here, he thought wearily, abandoning the broken thing on his wrist for the moment. Words could not describe how much he hated things that didn’t make sense. And to think he’d been foolish enough to think the strange, alien people with the red Webs actually meant something.
Ion started walking. He’d tried a journey on one of this planet’s aeroplanes recently, and it had been… slow, for want of a better word, but had at least taken him away from the little island he’d been stuck on. Now he found himself… wandering purposelessly, not willing to admit that he’d hit a dead end. It was frustrating and demeaning.
His walk had been taking him slowly, inexorably towards the collection of flashing lights in the distance. Posters had informed him that it was a ‘Fun Park’, which wasn’t something he’d ever encountered first-hand in Coronas. He had absolutely no intention of actually wasting time in the place, of course, but it was a destination; somewhere to head while waiting to see if the halfwits aboard Satellite 9 could fix their systems. The fact that it sat above the water was only an added bonus. He had always liked the sea.
He was stood on the shore looking out at the semi-epileptic display of dazzling, flashing lights when he caught a flash of red out of the corner of his eye. A red colour in the Web. Could it be possible that one of those strange aliens was here? Were they following him? It was an interesting hypothesis, certainly not one he could instantly dismiss. He would need to investigate. Even if it meant nothing, at the very least it would occupy his time.
A group of surly-looking men were lingering outside the entrance as he approached. One of them glanced his way, so Ion diverted his attention with a quick push on his mind. They weren’t the strongest, mentally at least. They were apparently upset about being prevented from committing felony earlier in the day. Ion filed that under ‘amusing but ultimately irrelevant’. The man on the entrance was bored out of his tiny little mind, but nonetheless required some actual effort on Ion’s part to divert his attention. Contrary to expectation, that actually made Ion smile, if only a little. It was nice that this planet wasn’t only occupied by weak-minded fools like the group of men outside.
The sea of flashing lights, loud noise and busy people reminded Ion a little of Coronas. The Ferris Wheel, turning slowly and steadily on the far side of the park, flashed the blue and green of Skyway lights. The distant sound of the water echoed in his mind the push of the sea against the city flood defences. A child ran past him with none of the fear or caution most adults unconsciously displayed, so Ion tagged him, intrigued. He felt almost nostalgic for his home. How unusual.
For a second, to Ion the red-Webbed man seemed to have light blue hair, but he returned to the be-hatted, be-suited man he truly was within the space of a blink. He was with a woman, who’s Web was strong but, thankfully, the usual colour. He skimmed her mind, not wanting to risk detection, and found her to think her companion was a normal human, native to the planet. That was… interesting. Interesting and worth investigation. He tagged them, too, and retreated a safe distance. He was no fool; the man was carrying knives.
He pressed against the red-Webbed man’s mind as hard as he dared as they walked, trying to find out as much as he could without him becoming aware. His name was Jonathan, he was Australian… he wasn’t an alien, as far as Ion could see. Then why the red Web? He’d been in prison… but Ion couldn’t see why; the defences around his past too tight to break without the man realising there was an intruder. He also had a rather interesting knife in his collection…
“Well, my naïve friend, I’m what you’d call a Dhampir-”
“I’ll let you keep the money in that wallet if you can beat me in a fight-”
Ion snatched his thoughts back from Johno’s mind like he’d been scalded. The second voice he knew to be Clief’s, but the first…
It was concentrating on the knife that brought those voices to the fore, not on the man himself, Ion mused. Now his interest had been piqued too much to walk away, despite how dangerous he may be. Perhaps the red Webs had been leading him here. He wanted that knife.
Unfortunately, its owner was attempting to leave.
Where do you think you’re going, you mongrel? He demanded, a hint of the Australian’s mannerisms creeping into his voice because of his exposure to the man’s thoughts. The man, unfortunately practical, took the psychic demand as a cue to move faster, making Ion sigh irritably. Where are you going? he repeated, his voice smoother now, calmer. And inside the woman’s head, too. She, so normal for the people of this planet, reacted with utter, petrified horror, as was fitting for someone who had never encountered psychics before. Ion found himself rather pleased at that. Finally a little respect for his abilities.
I will deal with this feral mind freak, you just-
Not so fast! Ion snapped, frowning at the ‘feral mind freak’ label. Who did he think he was, judging him on two sentences with no knowledge of who or what he was? Typical sheep behaviour. He hated people like that, so very much. We wouldn’t want those thugs from earlier to attack her again, would we? he continued, his voice deceptively sweet, as though he was offering them a boon. After all, I’m fairly sure they won’t be happy with what you did. Still they seemed unconvinced, so Ion borrowed the mind of the boy he’d tagged earlier. The inquisitive child was at first interested, then afraid, but he followed Ion’s ‘suggestions’ nonetheless. Why don’t you want to play with me? he demanded. Where’s your sense of adventure. I honestly do not want to hurt anybody… unnecessarily. Emphasis on the word, that was the trick of it. It made most people pause, especially when it came from the mind of a child. The disclaimer added uncertainty to their view of what he would do. What was truly unnecessary, after all?
Alright then mate, what do yah want?! Johno demanded as Ion released his hold on the child momentarily. Rather disconcertingly, Ion realised the water from the fountain had stopped. Strange, but it certainly added to the atmosphere he was attempting to generate.
I want your knife. The stone one, Ion replied, honestly enough. Give me that, and I will let you leave.
“Sorry to disappoint you but-
“I thought you would be worth my time-
Ion flinched back once more with a growl of frustration, only catching the start of Johno’s derisive laughter in return. This was going to be… tricky. Mouth set into a thin line, Ion pulled at the minds of several of the staff. They could do the actual hunting for him. Backing away slightly towards a number of stalls, the kind that offered prizes for those who could defeat nearly impossible challenges, he convinced his newly-acquired allies that removing the dangerous weaponry on one particular visitor would greatly increase the safety in the park. It was a believable truth, even if they weren’t quite sure where the idea came from.
Taking another step backwards, ion’s focus was so tight on his target and the staff that he didn’t notice the Web ripple behind him.
|posts in thread|
Jan 10, 11 at 2:09pm ^re: Telepathic Rollercoaster (Ultimaodin vs Tseng_Eclipse)
The unsteady ocean crashed against the intruding structure, almost as if trying to force the presence from its surface. The large object just wouldn't heed the forceful waves' desire. For several days now Johno had been capable of 'feeling' his own thoughts. His mind typically crashed and swirled like seawater in storm. Right now however there was a small clear part against the tides of his mind that was freezing cold like an iceberg and appeared to be expanding deeper like an underwater drill.
The first time he had felt the unnerving impression Johno had simply shrugged it off as some one off incident. At that point the intrusion was only slight as if just skimming the surface. The second coming however had been stronger, deeper. The enemy had forced his way in and hadn't hesitated to reveal himself, or at least reveal some of his power. Johno realised then the change in his mind's thoughts wasn't just a random incident, it was a hack into his very cerebral cortex.
For now however the intruder appeared to have vanished from his brain and for the time being Johno was free to think. Unfortunately he couldn't dictate whether or not Christelle was also free from the psychic's grasp. Johno was just going to have to concentrate on making his own mind calmer and steadier, turning the rapid flow of thought waves into a thick layer of ice. Breathing in and out slowly Johno sought out any hint as to the attacker's location. After all surely this being would have to be somewhere nearby to be capable of intercepting his head.
Sure enough with a bellow of laughter from his throat Johno spotted his suspect. Ecstatic with the simplicity it took to spot the telepathic haunter it proved impossible for Jonathan to refrain from bursting out in defiant roars of humour. Physically he looked like an ordinary bloke dressed well. Walking amongst a crowd Johno probably would never have spotted him. Skulking backwards into the shadows created by the buildings of the sideshow alley however was an entirely different matter. This character honestly made himself a touch too noticeable attempting to act like a ninja. Either he had underestimated Johno's ability or he was confident in the powers he possessed.
Johno came to the conclusion that his enemy was probably assured with his own capabilities to really care whether or not Johno picked him out of a crowd or not, after all if he could hack into someone’s mind he could probably do a hell lot more. Johno noted the fact of the water fountain apparently stopping flow seemingly of it's own accord. How was he to know whether or not that was caused via the power of this thirty-ish year old man.
Unfortunately however Johno had no time to formulate an attack against his main enemy as many of the park guards were surrounding him and Christelle. All dressed in the similar white tuxedos, all seemingly interested in Jonathan and his dagger.
It was the largest of the twelve security that spoke, cracking his knuckles as he did so “Sir you are to hand us your weapons and leave this park immediately. If you do not comply we will be forced to use... well force.”
Stepping beside Christelle protectively Johno lowered his head in submission. “Fine then,” he stated out loud.
Johno withdrew his Saxe Knife laying it across his palms. Almost in-audibly he whispered to Christelle “Take it!”
Johnathan saw the confusion in her eyes and quickly continued before she could ask any questions “To defend yourself with. The man we are after is now directly behind us camping in front of that duck shooting attraction.” Christelle nodded her understanding as if knowing where Johnathan was going with this “We aren't going to be able to just waltz out of here,we need to take that freak down. Keep an eye on him as we face these mates but make sure you leave them for me, just try to defend yourself the best you can.”
The moment the hilt was snatched by Christelle Johno went on the assault, giving his answer to the speaker with a firm uppercut to his jaw. Whilst his victim was still within mid-air Johno followed through with a powerful elbow to gut, ramming him into the stones below. Johno had no time to return to his feet however as one of the nearby guards arced a baton towards his face. Johnathan ducked it with not even a millisecond to spare. Even for trained guards their reflexes were impossible, there hadn't even been a pause of either shock or surprise when Johno had made his hasty attack. The Psychic had to be controlling them, was the conclusion Johno came up with.
Sweeping the guard's feet, Johno risked a quick glance in Christelle's direction. She seemed to be holding out fine, only two of the guards were focusing on her, one was already falling grounded due to a firm knee to the balls. Johno couldn't hide a smile as he imagined Christelle using the same attack against the Sith like character. A set of knuckles awoke Johno from his daydream as one of the guard's landed a hay-maker into the side of Johno's head. Annoyed at his own lapse Johnathan pegged the guard in the sternum with quick jab before following up with a frenzy of rapid fists.
Spinning on the balls of his feet Johno cast a roundhouse kick into the head of another guard who had been attempting to attack him from behind. As he fell another one was already throwing a full weight punch towards Johno. As nimble as a dancer Johnathan shifted his weight to his floored foot and pressed himself downward leaving the strike to flash above him uselessly. Well not entirely useless. His enemy was still moving forward from the momentum and Johno immediately took advantage. Grabbing the man's arm Johno lent forward on the same foot as before and pulled the guard high into the air eased by the already falling motion of the failed punch. With a powerful throw, accompanied by a grunt, the bloke was launched into a comrade.
A roar of pain stole Johnathan's attention from the so-far successful battle over to where the nigh impossible games of skill were situated. The man Johno suspected of being the enemy was hunched over with a Saxe knife sticking out their back. Automatically Johno turned to see the now unarmed Christelle standing above the two unconscious men.
“Call me a Tassie Devil but what the bloody heck just happened?”
Johno had no clue when Christelle had thrown the Saxe nor did he have any idea how on earth it ended up in the man's back.
As if to seemingly answer his unvoiced questions Christelle smiled at him before filling Johno in “I can throw a knife you know, I was raised in a tribe. We had to hunt to survive back then when I was a child.”
Still this didn't satisfy Johno who was still standing there dumbfounded, “But how? It's in his back”
“Well he'd surely have seen the attack if I threw it straight at him so I aimed for that over there” Christelle directed Johnathan's vision to where a fast spinning disk sat above one of the attractions “By calculating its rotation, the weight of the knife and the speed required to throw it to achieve the precise timing I achieved the optimal angle to hit him straight from behind, directly in a nice little blind spot.”
In honesty Johno didn't comprehend a word that Christelle said, too many big words that just made it sound overly complicated. Still he couldn't help but feel a new sense of admiration for this girl. Unfortunately the sense of respect was taken over by concern as Christelle collapsed to the ground as she clutched her hands to her head.
She didn't scream nor shout but she wore a face that showed clear she was in utter complete pain. Johno however was tangled up in his own fray as he was encircled by the mind controlled security. A dodge here and block there Johno managed to avoid the four attacker's strikes with adequate ease regardless of their determination. Felling one with a simple chop to the neck Johno's arm was snatched. At the same time as the grip took hold of his forearm the ever persistent telepathic was forcing his way into Johno's mind.
'You bloody Jedi mind freak get out of my head' roared Johno inwardly.
'Again with the mind freak. My name is Ion, not freak. Now hand over the dagger before you get yourself hurt' The voice responded.
He knew didn't have the strength to fight off both Ion and the three remaining guards at the same time. He was going to have to improvise. Using his free left hand he quickly flicked the second, red toned, switch. With a sudden sense of flowing energy Johno gripped his own locked hand around the arm of his captor. Immediately he felt the resulting effects as he gained an extra rush of strength while the other individual holding him let go spontaneously. Releasing his own grip Johno channelled the new strength into pushing Ion out of his head.
Ion's presence was however already gone. Johno thought this sudden removal of intruder was strange yet he had far more pressing matters at hand. Christelle was pinned to the ground and Johnathan could see a pair of cuffs flash from one the men's hands. Dispatching the three around him using the additional energy drained Johnathan leapt to miss February's defence, just short of time to save her from the metallic hand restraints. Decking the guard responsible for her being tied up Johno slung Christelle over his shoulder and ran to the back of the park.
“I had to give yah the Saxe didn't I! If I knew you were going to throw it away I would have given you one of my throwing knives. I could have broken these shackles piece of piss with the Saxe”
Johno's frustration was clearly noticeable as he ran down the centre of the park.
“Where are you going?”
Johno had just taken a quick turn to the right away from the direction of the Ferris Wheel and towards the Roller Coaster.
“Well he ain't letting us through the exit and he seems eager to play. So I thought we should oblige and give him a game.”
“Oh ok” Christelle suddenly sound grave “I do enjoy a good joy ride”
Johno Lazza's legs continued to sprint forward but his entire upper body was frozen stiff.
“Christy” he questioned, overtaken by fear.
The only response was an inhumane giggle that made Johno's spine crawl.
|posts in thread|
Jan 25, 11 at 3:53pm ^re: Telepathic Rollercoaster (Ultimaodin vs Tseng_Eclipse)
Ion pulled the knife from his back with barely a grunt of pain, his anger making his Web shiver with the force of it. The knife had barely penetrated his body armour, but he was still bleeding and it could have been much worse. She could have aimed for his head.
That he’d underestimated the girl was part of the cause for his anger. After being exposed to so much magic he was beginning to forget that normal people could be just as dangerous.
They shouldn’t even have seen me. The man has eyes like a hawk. I will need to be more careful.
The man had dealt with the security members Ion had sent after him, which was somewhat surprising but also workable. He had the girl now, too. Christelle. Christy. His enemy would be far more likely to comply with the one he loved threatening him… or threatening herself.
“Ion, you can’t!”
Ion swallowed his distaste at the sound of her voice and ran his thumb up the knife, smearing his blood across the blade. She was right, of course. No matter how much he wanted what essentially amounted to a trinket, he wasn’t willing to destroy this Australian’s life the way his had been destroyed. That didn’t mean he wasn’t going to play games, though.
Abortive as his first attempt had been, he now had information. He knew how his opponent fought, he had seen what the dagger could do, albeit briefly, and he knew ever so much about… Christelle.
“Are you worried?” he whispered, Christelle echoing his words. “Scared?” He smiled slightly. You should be.
I’ll get you back for this… mate, Jonathan replied, voice laced with anger. Ion just chuckled.
They were on the roller coaster now, which was both a blessing and a curse. It would have been trivial to kill them, but he had no desire to see them dead. On the other hand, they were now stuck. It seemed unlikely that his opponent would have trapped himself so without some sort of plan, so Ion decided to tread carefully. He concentrated on Christelle.
Johno was concerned about Christelle, but he also wasn’t stupid. He was keeping his knives well clear of his controlled friend, especially the stone one. There wasn’t much room to manoeuvre in the cars of the rollercoaster, which was working against him with Christelle being shackled like she was. Still…
Johno ducked away from her as Ion encouraged her to loop the cuffs around his neck, jumping back one car and pulling the restraint down over Christelle as he went. The ride started up, and Ion swiftly grabbed the minds of the two incredibly bored ride operators on the roller coaster. There was barely any substance to them at all, which Ion found distasteful, but he had little else to work with.
Start the ride; don’t let it stop, he instructed, trying to get into Johno’s head again. The man had startlingly good mental protection; it was almost like facing another broken psychic like himself. This man knew what he was doing. That made him dangerous.
The water on the hook-a-duck stand rippled. Ion regarded it with a frown as the Web shivered.
Are you scared?
He grabbed a pellet gun from the shoot-the-bottles stand and silenced the man’s protest with a vicious, angry psychic put-down, grabbing a handful of ammo with his powers as he did so. He thrust it into his pocket, looking once more at the knife. It was a good knife, to be able to cut him. With a slight smile, he put that in his pocket too, handle first. Then, as the rollercoaster started up, he set about gathering some friends. Through the eyes of the child he’d taunted Johno with earlier he found more children, and tagged them all, ready to divert them away from their parents when he needed them. He made the security team looking into the sudden collapse of several more guards look away from the rollercoaster and instead carefully separate the weaponry from the downed men before carrying them off to be treated. Armed children were always more amusing than unarmed ones, at least until people started shooting them in the neck. He frowned slightly. Could he count on this man having morals when he’d spent time in prison? If only he could see inside his head! It was frustrating, irritating.
He paced over to the fountain, borrowing the mind of a nearby maintenance worker and using him to find the rest of them. Keeping one eye on the security team to make sure they didn’t do something stupid and destroy the plan he was carefully cultivating, he took a closer look at the structure of the place through the minds of the men who were involved in keeping it standing. It was interesting, being built the way it was. With a slight smile, he planted a suggestion in their heads then left them to carry it out. Trying to actively keep tabs on several people at once was asking for something to slip, especially since he had to keep a firm mental grip on someone with as strong a mind as the girl.
He turned back to the rollercoaster, leaning against a nearby wall. It was going at full speed now, annoying a number of people who’d recently joined the queue at its failure to stop. Jonathan himself was probably using his time on the ride to buy him some time and think up a plan – the disorientating movements of the ride were nothing to a man who’d been into space the conventional way. Ion frowned. He couldn’t make Christelle lift the bar – not only would it kill her, but it was locked in tight by the ride’s mechanism. She had no weapons to use against Johno, having thrown her only one into Ion’s back. Johno was doing… something, he couldn’t see into his head to find out what-
Fire exploded out from the rollercoaster tracks, causing a number of alarms to go off and a larger number of people to panic and start screaming. Irritated, Ion let go of the ride operators so they could react with some semblance of humanity while he was distracted.
Very well, Jonathan, he thought to himself, making Christelle wriggle free of the rollercoaster as best she could with shackled hands. You wanted to play a game, so let’s play one of mine. Johno was running after Christelle, but she’d got a head start after using the knife had weakened him. Ion put the pellet gun on the lip of the fountain, drew out the knife, still damp with his own blood, and threw it. It was the kind of move that could dazzle the non-psychic, the way Christelle raised her hands at exactly the right moment for the knife to go through the weakest point in the links as it hit the support for the Ferris wheel behind her. She spun around, pulled it out, and put it to her neck. Ion smiled as Johno came to an abrupt stop. It really was a good knife. He had to get himself one.
“The question is, Jonathan,” he began, his hands in his pockets. “Which do you care about more? That knife at your belt… or the girl?” He smiled slightly and held out a hand, trying to ignore the twinge in his back. Throwing that knife had aggravated the wound it had caused. “Your choice.”
A trickle of blood ran down Christelle’s neck.
|posts in thread|
Feb 14, 11 at 11:55am ^re: Telepathic Rollercoaster (Ultimaodin vs Tseng_Eclipse)
The crimson red was a bead of terror as the single droplet rolled down Christelle's skin. Although she was too far away for him to see anything more than the colour of the substance Johno could have sworn his own reflection was moving about in that bubble of blood. 'That mongrel'
Lowering his head, rage for the puppeteer clear upon his features Johno muttered a few words both verbally and from his mind “I am defeated”
With his head down masked by the rim of his Fedora there would be no way Christelle nor the man in control of her thoughts would be able to see the smile that sneaked onto his face. He couldn't let this bloke know what he had up his sleeve. At that a thought occurred to Johnathan. He may as well get something from this situation.
“Fine mate, I will give yah the Dagger” He hoped his lie wasn't easily read, he'd never been one to tell a tall tale and due to that he wasn't very good at doing so. “However I have a couple conditions”
Christy's head tilted, into the tip of the Saxe resulting in another bauble of the crimson blood to trickle, this time down the steal of the blade itself. “Are you sure your in the position to be manufacturing stipulations” her lips echoed.
“Admittedly..” Johno paused realising this could be a pointless waste of time “probably not. However they ain't high demands.”
A moment or two of silence followed, Johno wasn't keeping track of time as he waited for a reply, only how close his own knife was to cutting Christelle's ambitious life short.
“Humour me” the puppet of Christelle responded “can't be any worse than mongrel or mind freak”
Johnathan raised a hidden eyebrow above his sunnies 'Let me guess, sticks and stones don't hurt this guy, but words do.' Shaking the thought away along with his head Johno spoke his terms:
“First and foremost mate, when I drop the dagger so does Christy let go of the Saxe knife” Johno hesitated before speaking his next want, just in case this psychic declared against that proposal.
“Second off..” again Johno paused, this time because he didn't really know how to go about demanding this next query “A name. I'm sure you'd prefer me abusing you by your name rather than the titles I dub yah, you MONGREL... MIND FREAK”
Johnathan just couldn't restrain himself from taunting his enemy.
The one word response came as such a surprise to Johno that he almost fell forward between the tracks. Honestly Johnathan had expected little more than some sort of snig*ger or mock laughter, let alone an actual answer to his question. He laughed a little himself.
“I'm glad you found my name amusing” Christelle stated in her controlled state, “Now if you don't mind, the dagger.” Her free hand revealed her palm and made a beckoning motion.
Johno removed the sheath from his belt and held it above the open air beside him. “Very well then mate, on the count of three I'll drop it and so does Christy. Fair Dinkum?”
The only response was a nod from opposite him.
Johnathan could feel the sweat running down from his forehead. He was taking a chance here. At any time this Ion fellow could see through his deception. In fact Johno had no idea if he hadn't already. How quick would Ion retaliate to the lie?
The mongrel of a thing was piercing him in the side again. It had been doing that since he'd placed it there within his jacket before conjuring that rather helpful fire spell of Cliefs. Johno couldn't react to it, he had to keep his mind sealed, a task which was taking a massive amount of effort. If anyone were around, Johno could use The Standards odd drain technique. Unfortunately there was nobody nearby to come in contact with. Nobody but the shell of Christelle.
The hand-made sheath fell through the air like a tonne of bricks towards the ground far below. Thankfully Ion had kept his promise and the Saxe was also plummeting downward, albeit far slower. It took all of four seconds for Ion to seemingly realise the move had been a feint. All but four seconds before both Ion's and Christy's head snapped up simultaneously accusingly. Those four seconds were all Johno needed however. With Christelle disarmed and no longer a threat to herself Johno pushed towards her clearing the space in few bounds. With a silent apology Johno struck out pushing his hand past her head. Twisting on the beam he chopped at the back of her skull with the side of his hand, knocking her immediately unconscious. As she crumbled Johno caught her making certain she didn't join the Saxe and hunk of artificial rock Johno had placed within the discarded sheath; in a fall to the hard flat surface below.
Christelle's comatose body was rather heavy as Johno hauled her over his shoulder for the second time that morning. He had to get down, he had to bring the fight to Ion as he realised now Ion wasn't going to be bringing the fight to him. He had to make this man pay for putting a knife to Christelle's throat. Said man however was escaping, running off in the direction of the cliff diving pool and water slides. Johno couldn't let him get out of sight. He had to slow Ion down.
The Zeil was drawn and thrown within an insanely short period of time. The psychic had taken all but ten steps in his act of fleeing when the knife whizzed stabbing through the slight breeze. It missed.
Johno cursed a number of profanities at the fact his throwing knife was skidding across the ground uselessly. When he'd thrown the knife he hadn't taken into account the lopsided weight of his body bearing the burden of Christelle on one shoulder. Now he was one throwing knife short. The next one couldn't, wouldn't miss.
Certainly enough Johno's aim was true the second time round. Cutting through the air the Tanto glided towards Ion's thigh with precision. It didn't hit exactly where Johno had planned due to Ion reacting via some sense, whether it be sixth sense or just instinct he couldn't know, yet still the blade dug in deep, causing the man within the shadows to roll across the ground clutching at his leg.
“Got'cha yah bastard!”
Hastily following his proclamation of success Johno searched for the fastest route off the structure. A maintenance ladder not too far off provided his path. Slinging the beautiful lady over both his shoulders rather than just one he hurriedly made his way to the ladder, avoiding the twelve meter drop below. Johno could feel Ion breaking through the softened ice of his mind. His defences were growing weak, he was unable to focus his mind on one thing.
As he reached the ladder the ice shattered. Glaciers of thoughts swivelled around his brain in an uncontrolled torrent. Gripping the cold steal of his way down a shudder and crack echoed from above. A support ring holding the ladder to the Coaster's wooden frame unhinged and snapped open.
'Everyone breaks' the voice whispered inside his mind, 'some just take longer than others'
Another ring cracked open. There were a hundred or so of the buggers and Johno had to take the risks. His enemy may have been close at mind but the distance physically was far greater. Taking a sideways glance he could see Ion limping off, still headed towards the pool. Johno gripped the parallel bar of steal with his other hand. Hunched over so Christelle wouldn't slip off from around his neck Johnathan placed his feet on the same vertical bars and with a slight release of his grip, he was moving.
His slide down the ladder was accompanied by more straps plunging down from above and several snide remarks by his not so friendly mind leech. The words where hard to ignore, each one mirroring an event in his own past, each an event he regretted. The falling pieces of metal were even more difficult to avoid, forcing Johno to swing and shift his weight side to side in mock of an old Amiga arcade game, constantly having to make certain the damsel that was Christelle was still slumped across his shoulders.
'You wouldn't want to drop her now' pointed out Ion's telepathic voice. True enough statement but Johno really didn't need the reminder. 'You wouldn't want to lose her like you lost your family'
Teeth gritted Johnathan neared the floor. He hoped this downward ride would come to a halt shortly.
'Then again' the voice laughed 'A man without ties is a man who won't be missed in an' the last word lingered hauntingly; 'accident.'
The words were an echo from but a few days ago in the grey room. A sickly reminder of the task Johno had accepted. With that notion of illness it happened.
Only three meters from the flat Johno was moving fast and as he dodged what looked like the last of the rings that were to drop he swung out. This time however Johno's focus was stretched thinner than paper and he slipped slightly backwards, the knot that was Christelle untied from his own body and she began to enter the vast abyss of open space. 'CHRISTY!!!'
The thought was as loud as a volcano erupting, with enough force to push Ion from his mind. Johno reached out desperately.
In the nick of time Johno caught one of Christelle's limbs and pulled her back towards him and under his armpit. Johno had little to no time to save himself however. With only one hand and foot upon the vertical rail of the ladder to slow him down he slammed hard as he met the perpendicular solid bitumen path. The little black like rocks raked into his suit and skin while his bones and muscles roared in pain from the impact. Teeth rattled and hand's burned. One foot felt swollen a twisted muscle more than likely, hopefully not fractured. Grimacing Johno rested Christelle on the small black stones as he forced himself up, his entire body aching in protest.
Crawling to his feet, the entire world felt like it was moving about him. He wanted to hurl. Breathing deep breaths only made things worse. Closing his eyes he re-flicked the blue switch as he had done earlier in the cart. Trying to stay stable he felt his energy and strength drain as he healed his wounds. Johno desperately needed to even the playing field or escape. Johno still considered the latter to be impossible. He thought about jumping off the side of the structure into the ocean below but with such little strength he'd more than likely drown.
With healing finished he tried to grab Christelle from the ground. He couldn't seem to muster the strength. He couldn't leave her there though, that was for certain. Lifting her with all his might he finally achieved getting her on his back, sprawled out like a sleeping child, just much larger. With immense effort he put one foot in front of the other, repeating the action as he inched closer to the limping Ion. Somehow Johno was gaining ground.
A frantic face of a man brought Johno to a stop. He was shaking in fear as he stared at his own attraction in horror. The small game of chance was one of those simple hook the rubber duck on a pole thing where nine times out of ten you one very little. What was disturbing about it however was not the stationary ducks nor that of the water. It was the drops of water that floated in the air suspended by nothingness. Liquid orb chandeliers that hung there motionless. Johno's face mimicked that of the attendant, spine crawling and mouth gasping. Then realisation dawned on him. If this was some side affect of Ion what the hell could the Psychic do with an entire pool of the substance?
“Hey mate” no response “OI Sir dumbstruck”
The guy's head turned slowly to face Johno.
“I need you to take care of her for me” Johno stated as he slipped Christy off his back, the removal of the weight a great relief to his aching back and muscles.
“But... but” the man stammered in reply.
“Look just shut up and keep an eye on her ok” Johno demanded none to valiantly, “If possible get her out of her. It may even be good for yourself”
The man nodded, too scared not to oblige. Johno hoped she would be safe but somehow he doubt Ion would be leaving her alone. Johno however felt that stopping the man of magic was now of the up most importance. If he could put a knife to a woman's throat what would he be capable of to get hold of the dagger. The dagger that Johno now drew from inside his jacket just as Ion's presence began to return to his mind. 'If you want to play mind games with me, I will just have to find away to play them back.'
Setting off at a power walk he pushed himself forward, closing the gap between he and his target. Ion remained silent but Johno knew he was there, scouring the depths of mind, finding weaknesses trying to work out Johno's plan of attack. The thing about that was Johno didn't have a plan, so there was nothing for Ion to find out. Johno's only plan was charge.
They were nearing the poolside now and Johno burst out into a run, using every ounce of energy he had left. Ion but a few meters from the water's edge swivelled around to face the threat that was Johno rushing him. Ion was fast to move regardless of the Tanto blade still wedged into his leg. The Wakizashi Johno threw flew off into the water as Ion dodged it in a non graceful manner, but then again when was grace fitting on a battlefield.
Now in range Johno swung out with his only remaining weapon, The Stone Dagger that Ion sought so desperately. Ion was unarmed but that didn't mean he couldn't dodge. With a twist of his body Ion narrowly avoided Johno's sweep of the rough look dark weapon. Johno wasn't going to bested so easily though and forced his foot down on to the knife that still stuck from Ion, wrenching it up under the skin. Ion screamed in agony as he landed a punch into Johno's jaw. The water beyond was beginning to bubble.
An elbow to the sternum was Johno's counter-attack followed by a kick aimed at the knife again. Ion just managed to lift his leg in time before hitting Johno with another right hook, this one to the ribs. Johno could tell Ion wasn't used to close combat by the lack of force in his punches. Johno threw one of his own. The pool now steaming, boiling.
His fist hit Ion in the shoulder with the sound of two deafening cracks. One Johno presumed to be Ion's clavicle, the other was one of his own knuckles. Ion reeled backwards and Johno capitalised by lashing out with the dagger, slicing a long gash up Ion's side. Johno knew what was to come. Visions of haunted memories, pain to his brain. All worth it to put him on the same axis as Ion. Or so he had thought. The water's surface erupting into the sky, a giant geyser bursting out with fury.
Pain beyond reason followed. Nothing that Johno had ever experienced in his life time could even come close to the pure torment he felt at that moment. The visions were terrifying in themselves. Voices, millions of them. In an enclosed room, in an abyss of darkness. A shadow attacking, white lab coats overlooking. All these were naught compared to what was occurring with his body. Splitting, breaking, disintegrating then returning. Every fibre of his being was being answered then stitch back in place. Lights blinding filled the whole world changing colours as he tore apart. The dagger was long dropped from his grasp as he fell to his knees, the gurgling of the water nearby but an insect of a sound compared to noise that elapsed around him, most horrific was one voice above all the others. A woman's whose own voice was terrified and filled with pain. Johno no longer had any clue what was going on both around him nor inside of him. He wanted to collapse, wanted to die. The pain was unbearable at it's weakest. His own lungs screamed out in muted yells. He tried to grab himself with his own arms. His arms weren't there. He was a scattered jigsaw puzzle without any form. He wailed in anguish hoping it would end. Not caring how. Then another voice spoke through above all. One that was familiar yet not at the same time. No longer was the Psychic talking into his mind but with actual solid words, if solid is what you could call them. The lights moved about him.
“How do you enjoy”
|posts in thread|
Feb 18, 11 at 10:37pm ^re: Telepathic Rollercoaster (Ultimaodin vs Tseng_Eclipse)
Formatting aaaah #2:
"The shadow, corporal"
Pain was nothing new to Ion. His upper right leg had been essentially destroyed, his shoulder had shattered and his side was torn, but he could deal with that. He just had to brace himself, pull the knife out with a sharp tug and rip off a sleeve to pull around his leg to stem the worst of the bleeding. More pain set itself alight in his arm for his troubles, but it was marginally better than having several inches of solid steel wedged in his thigh. And, of course, it was still far less agony than his opponent felt.
He twisted around and as good as fell into the fountain, wincing in renewed pain as he grabbed for the pellet gun he’d left there before. His blood began to colour the water crimson. He frowned as it ran away from him, the water rippling in places it had no cause to ripple.
I knew you were scared.
Ion choked, pulling himself from the fountain and trying to load the gun with only one good arm. He had no idea how long it would be before the strange knife stopped tormenting Johno with pain that had never been his. He suspected he wouldn’t be popular when it was over. People often took umbrage when you threatened their loved ones, after all. It was likely part of the reason behind the sharp agony in his leg.
He gritted his teeth and focussed his mind on the pain, willing it to lessen. A woman on the fringe of his vision was calling an ambulance, more than a little concerned by the man in the hat who’d just turned on Ion for no reason she could see. He let her. Nobody would arrive in time to interfere.
He wanted to try and break into Johno’s mind again, but he had no desire to hear himself screaming. He could go to St. Leon’s for that, and nothing he heard now would benefit him here. Instead, he enlisted the children. He liked children. They were inquisitive enough that it hardly took any energy to persuade them to do something new, and people often overlooked them. The majority of them were rebellious enough to want to leave their parents, but naïve enough or uneducated enough to trust what they heard inside their heads.
There were cries of concern from various parts of the park. Johno looked up, his eyes blurred with tears of pain. Ion aimed the pellet gun at his head. He could do damage with it, even if he couldn’t really kill him at this range.
Security looked the other way on Ion’s direction as small hands reached for the weapons left on the floor. The lights around Johno seemed confused and disorientated; as if they didn’t know what he was any more. They flickered between his original Web, the weak, fractured lights he’d seen on Clief and the angel-like arrangement of a broken psychic.
Johno spat blood.
“You have an issue,” Ion remarked as Johno’s whole body tensed. “You’re out of knives, except for that delightful stone one.” The dagger itself made the angel-lights around it pulse with a vicious red glow, promising all kinds of pain to anyone who touched it. Ion wanted it, certainly, but not badly enough to pick it up while it was active and unsheathed. He was curious, not stupid. Johno, on the other hand, instantly grabbed it and held it defensively in one hand. “You are also, I imagine, in considerable mental pain after reliving twelve years of torture in approximately sixty seconds.” Johno’s grip on the knife tightened and his free hand clenched; one finger not as responsive as the others. Ion rather hoped he’d damaged it in the process of inflicting the considerable pain Ion himself was now feeling.
The sound of weapons being loaded and cocked echoed above the rush of the water.
“You are also surrounded by five people who, while small, are armed and perfectly willing to harm you,” Ion continued. “And a similar number of people are doing the same to the man you left Christelle with. I’m sure she’s perfectly capable of defending herself, but…” He smiled slightly. “Wait, now. She’s unconscious. I wonder how that happened, hmm?”
Johno moved, and barely a millisecond later a baton was swung into his arm with surprising vindictiveness by an eight-year-old boy. Ion was aware that his hold on the pellet gun was weakening somewhat, his strength fading thanks to the considerable amounts of blood he’d lost, but Johno couldn’t strike at him without risking being set upon by malicious little children. He vaguely heard concerned parents shouting and screaming at varying distances away, and tightened his focus on the children.
You’re going to die, you know.
Ion’s eyes narrowed and Johno, fingers still tight around the hilt of the stone knife, frowned.
“I won’t go down to you so easily, mate,” he growled. Ion raised an eyebrow.
“As much as I am loathe to disappoint your violent and vindictive personality, that wasn’t me,” he responded, glancing around carefully. The water was bubbling again, the edges frozen mid-ripple. The deep red of his blood had spread across the pool, colouring all of the water red. Ion knew he hadn’t bled that much. He didn’t know…
It’s just a shame you can’t run.
Johno jumped at him. The three children with guns fired, decidedly widely without Ion dictating their movements precisely. One bullet clipped Ion’s ear, another hit Johno’s left arm, probably shattering the bone from the way he cursed. They hit the water soon afterwards, Ion lashing out with his good arm and a burst of angel-lights to push Johno off him as he tried to hold him under the water. He came up gasping, and stopped the children attacking as a bullet hissed into the water inches from his face. The one with a baton jumped in after Johno, and Ion’s fingers scrabbled for the knife that had hit the floor of the fountain, barely blocking Johno’s next punch with the flat of the blade. He stayed on the defensive, doing his level best to fend off Johno’s attacks. Both of them were injured, so even his slow movements may as well have been a flurry for Ion, trying in futility to fend off the far more capable Johno with a knife. The boy with the baton helped a little by swinging the baton into Johno’s side with a crack, but with the knife in one hand Johno ducked the strike aimed at his head. He could see the Web, too, although Ion doubted he fully comprehended what it meant.
With a well-aimed strike, Ion went flying back into the water with a grunt of pain that morphed into bubbles.
No, leave him! He’s mine!
The fountain began to bubble. Ion choked up water as the level around him receded, gasping in air gratefully. Johno’s head shot up in the direction of the hook-a-duck as the sound of a gunshot echoed, not one that Ion had told anyone to fire. The Web had turned red. The fountain had stopped. The water began to coalesce.
Swiftly gathering his wits, Ion got the children to run to a safe distance and forced himself onto one knee as the water swirled and eddied in the centre. All of his vision was red; the entire Web was shivering and vibrating.
“Whatever you’re doing, stop it,” Johno growled at him, thumb hovering over the red switch on the stone knife. Ion coughed, a sickening mixture of blood and water hitting the stone bottom of the fountain.
“I told you,” he managed, his voice hoarse. “It’s not me.” The water had changed, taking on a vaguely humanoid form that was entirely the colour of blood. Somehow, Ion knew it was smiling. The stone of the fountain cracked beneath it, a message to both of them that this thing was far more deadly than just the fluid it was composed of.
“Shall we play a game?”
Ion bit back a sob as he recognised a voice from the multi-layered echo. Her voice. This creature, this shadow had stolen Katrynne. With a hiss of pain, he got himself standing, leaning heavily on his good leg. Johno seemed lost for words.
“I’m aware that my advice may not be the most sterling in your eyes right now,” Ion muttered through gritted teeth. “But I would suggest you run.” There was a chuckle from the rippling water.
“Oh, good, you’re learning!
“I love it when they run.”
|posts in thread|
Mar 12, 11 at 2:03pm ^re: Telepathic Rollercoaster (Ultimaodin vs Tseng_Eclipse)
Pounding, splitting and aching all in one. Johno's heart was beating rapid yet without shape or form, slowly tearing away. The only relief to the organ was the knowledge of Christelle's safety. Ion had been bluffing as Johno now knew from the spontaneous and uncontrollable strikes into the psychic's own mind. To what extent Ion had been lying throughout the course of the mind games was unknown. Johno didn't like the freak for how he tormented Christelle yet the worry for Johno was clear in his spoken voice, “I would suggest you run”
“Oh good you're learning!”
“I love it when they run.”
Johno would be sad to disappoint the giant demonic mass of red water but he wouldn't be running anywhere. In fact Johno was still on his knees, kneeling weakly at the bottom of the now empty pool. The liquid fiend was growing larger, feeding off water and blood alike. Johno didn't want to know what would happen if the mass of possessed substance got close to the end of the park, near the ocean. What exactly was he meant to do against this horrifying glob though.
“Run I said!”
That was all good for Ion to demand Johno to get moving but unfortunately Johnathan wasn't exactly in the state to be doing such. He was wounded and soar not to mention he had very little control over what his body and mind did. In fact the only reasons he'd avoided being killed underneath the once full pool's water was instinct and luck. Not to mention numerous strange warning lights that kept appearing within his peripheral vision.
“I said RUN!”
“Yes please do.”
“It will be so much more fun!”
'You just said the exact same thing in a different order you moronic mongrel'
“Perhaps maybe you best follow the point and get moving then” Johno having forgotten the small fact Ion could hear his thoughts was shocked at the sudden reply, “I know you likely do not trust me however if you do not leave I feel you're going to regret it.”
Recovered from his surprise Johno rolled his eyes behind his shades and sighed before informing Ion, “I can't. Yah think I'm kneeling here for kicks mate? I'm sure you can either hear or see the state my mind is in.”
Ion nodded grimly in reply before turning and limping away from Johnathan. One leg, the leg Johno had attacked, clearly damaged.
'Great. Looks like it's you and me again Katrynne' Johno overheard the thought 'Why can you not just go be forgotten?'
“You'd miss her if we did that.”
We? What was this thing? Ion spoke to it as if it were some lady within the disgusting form but the shadow itself spoke otherwise? What exactly was this atrocious blob and who was this Katrynne, the name ringing a bell from somewhere. A name that filled Johno with sadness, anger and hatred, as if from some long ago memory. What had this girl been to Ion? Was it her? The other? Christelle. Who cares about whoever or whatever this splatter of ugliness was, Christelle could be in danger.
Johno breathed in deep, sucking in as much air as he could while his sides struggled with each intake. Dragging himself along with his battered and worn hands he pulled himself towards the step ladder. Another bloody ladder, he was beginning to dislike these metal obstacles. Johno's broken knuckle flared with pain as he reached for the lowest bar, Johnathan barely noticed it in comparison to the strange effects that were still reacting as an aftermath of using the dagger on Ion. It was rather ironic how Johno's attempt to level the playing field had resulted in such agony, a backfired plan if he'd ever seen one.
“Get up damn it” he bellowed at himself “kneeling here ain't going to save Christelle”
“Oh look at him.”
Johnathan cared little for the sarcasm, he knew what he had to do. There was no telling what this amalgamation could do if they got reach of the surrounding sea. The corporate demon was already roughly five times the size of Johno himself and deformed into something resembling a may limbed beast of slime. Truly the crimson thing was grotesque. He had to keep moving, he had to keep climbing, but he was going to need strength to do what needed to be done. Strength he did not have.
With intense struggle Johno pulled himself up to the surface, sweating with strain as his mind continued to rupture. Johno never realised just how hard climbing a ladder could be. Collapsing on the concrete his chest heaved with the difficulty of sucking in air. Every muscle felt like a rusted worn cog grinding painfully together. He had an idea of how to take down the gigantic demon, but he needed his own limbs to function. The tubular water-slide was looming before his eyes, standing ominous. If only he could get hold of something to fuel the flame. It was then that the floating lights lit up an area but fifty meters away.
“Look at that.”
“He sees us as well.”
Johno tried desperately to focus. Was he dreaming? It was almost as if the lights were directing him.
“Looks like I've hit the cookoo's nest none to softly this time.”
Still it was the only navigation he had at the time, he was going to have to follow. Unfortunately he was unbelievably close to complete exhaustion.
'What do I do when I can't sleep'
Another strange thought Johno had snatched from Ion with no-intent what-so-ever. Control of either body nor mind was vacant for Johno has he tried desperately to claw forwards, clutching at the cracks between the slabs of the ground. Grab, pull, drag, collapse. Grab, pull, drag, collapse. He was getting nowhere fast. The only thing that was any closer was the thing Ion had called Katrynne. Katrynne and Ion.
Ion was standing before the liquid, arms spread as if holding some sort of barrier against it, yelling indistinctly at the being. Was he keeping it at bay? Was Ion defending Johno? Ion was looking tired himself. Johno couldn't tell if Ion was doing some sort of voodoo warding or if he was simply talking the watery monster into submission. Either way Ion was also appearing close to collapse. Two men on the verge of darkness, slipping closer to abyss, were all that stood in the path of the floating mass before them. Two weak. Two relatively useless as they were. 'But what if?'
Two half casks make a whole. Johnathan had no other choice. With immense effort he forced himself to his feet, swaying side to side. Left and right, the world moved. He would conquer the space between them, he had too. He stumbled forward, four meters between the Australian and the Telepathic. Johno struggled forward grabbing the switch blazon with red. Trying desperately to force it down. It resisted. Could it be Johno was only meant to use one switch at a time? He was but three meters away. Growing closer Johno continued to haul down on the tiny switch. Pushing it with as much remaining might as he could muster. Two meters to go. Blood vessels on edge of bursting. It looked as if the lever would never move. Only one meter left.
Ion span around suddenly, alerted of Johnathan's immediate presence, but it was too late. With the lever in place Johno reached out. Grasping Ion's shoulder, opposite to that he hurt earlier, Johno felt the effect. Ion shrieked in descending volume. He was on the other side of the effects. Just a bit more energy was all Johno needed. Ion's voice was now silent but his features were still screaming. Johno on the other hand was now feeling revitalised, most the strength from Ion now coursing through his own body.
Swiftly he let go causing Ion to drop like a sandbag. Barely in the nick of time Johno flicked the red switch back to it's centralised position and caught the psychic before he hit the ground.
“Sorry mate, I could foresee no other way.”
“WHAT DID YOU DO!?”
The shadow substance sounded mighty pissed off. 'Good,' Johno thought, 'Let it be'
Quickly the Australian darted off away from the thing, headed straight towards the mass of lights. Jumping over fake rocks, and darting between not-so-organic trees the outback man raced against time towards the marked location, racing away from that which was chasing, howling.
“Keep running you fool.”
“We will catch you eventually!”
A small shed like structure seemed to be the position the lights had lit up for him. Something must be inside. Something he must need. Reaching the steal door he found it bolted fast, held in place by a massive silver padlock. He didn't have time for such delays. Bringing the Dagger down he smashed against the bolt. Strike after strike after strike. Thank buggery whatever that corporate liquid was was slow. Another smash. Yet again he felt like he wasn't getting anywhere. “DAMN IT TO HELL”
Johno stepped back and launched a mighty kick at the door, ramming his boot full force into the metal.
The lock hadn't budged an inch but the hinges on the other side however was a completely different matter. The top three had split while one was only being held by a small slither. The bottom most hinge was still fully intact. Johno tried again. Success. The door bent inward as the last two rusted hinges cracked apart. Immediately he could smell the treasure. Petrol.
Johno crashed inside groping the wall for a light switch. With a stutter the fluoro light cylinders flickered into action dispersing the shadows from the enclosed room. Conveniently close to the door was a stack of pale green jerry-cans Each marked with a bowser symbol and text reading Gasoline. Perfect. Johno shoved the dagger in his coat and stole three of the cans.
Escaping through the mangled doorway Johno was faced with the oncoming form of his target, crimson red and fittingly as angry. Johno barely avoided an extended tentacle meant to crush him along with the shed. Johnathan didn't have a moments chance to count his luck however. With a boom the shed erupted into flames. The arm of the liquid monster melted and evaporated from the fire causing it to gurgle and hiss in agony.
“You beaut, looks like fire affects this gross Yowie”
With two of the fuel cases still in hand, the other lost somewhere thrown, Johno got to his feet and ran as fast as he could, ignoring the cries from his calves, feet and knees. Twitching his nose Johnathan tried to shake his sunnies closer to his eyes. The small explosion had blinded him with bright light and even now he was trying to blink off the blurry spots that speckled his vision. The strange orbs of light that hovered all over the place were not helping Johno in the slightest. Still his desired location was easy to spot above the tree tops.
Stairs. If ladders weren't enough the Aussie was now faced with a number of spiral steps to the top. “Bugger”
Legs burning he pelted up the stairs, the top getting closer and closer each tiring step. As the top platform got nearer so did the ghastly deformed creature on his tail moving slowly across the ground below. There was no time to waste, he was going to need to time this perfectly and for that he had to be at the start point before the disgusting hellion reached the pool below. Johno pushed himself to move faster disregarding the strain that was now spreading to his lower back and arms.
By the time he had mastered the stairs he was heaving, gasping for like a fish out of water. His ribs felt like they were imploding in on themselves while his legs shook under stress of keeping him upright. The worst of all was that every once of energy he'd taken from Ion had evaporated. He was beat, however he wasn't beaten yet. Utilising the last of Ion's strength Johno positioned himself near the entrance of the large snaking slide. The taste of blood filled his mouth.
Johnathan had bitten his tongue in shock causing his mouth to fill with the bitter taste of his own red blood. It wasn't exactly a savoury sensation but the sight he had was even less so. His target was already sloshing through the water slide's stop pool and was enlarging from the additional liquid. It may have been too late for Johno. Hastily Johnathan ripped the caps of the two cans and immediately started pouring one down the pipe gasoline flowing down into the darkness of the tunnel.
“What are you going to do up there fool?”
You have nowhere left to run.”
After a minute the first tin ran dry and without a pause Johno grabbed the other can and began tipping it down the massive curving drain. Meanwhile the shadow was closing in on the far end of the slide, if whatever it was decided to step from the pool and charge up the stairs the Australian would be helpless. With keen eyes the first of the petrol substance could be seen penetrating the pool below. That was his queue. Grabbing the blue switch he tugged down on it. He was met with resistance once more.
Johno cursed as he attempted to pour with one hand and force the switch with the other. He'd completely forgot about the resistance even though it was less than fifteen minutes ago he'd first discovered the drawback of the dagger. Using only one hand the lever refused to budge. Johno tried smashing the switch against the railing in hope he could push it down that way. Nothing. All he needed was something to start the fire. Something, anything. 'BUGGER! One spark! That's all I need, is one spark!'
A glint? A gleam? A knife?
It was the throwing knife Johno had pinned Ion with earlier. It thudded into the other side of the nearby wooden railing. Had Ion thrown that? Was Ion still concious? It didn't matter it would work fine. Dropping the tin can Johno reached around and wrenched the blade from the wood. With a scrape he slid the dagger and knife across each other until it resulted in a gratifying display of miniature fire works. From there chaos ensued.
The sparks hit the water and disappeared. Had they gone out? With a muttered curse Johno pushed his head forward to take a better look. A horrible idea because at that very moment the petrol caught alight and roared into flames. Johno leapt back but way too slowly, his face was licked at by hundreds of fiery tongues as he tried to escape their wrath. His fedora ended up caught by their burning hatred and Johno was forced to discard it else it be melted to his scalp. Hitting the far rail Johno collapsed against it and watched his cannon in action from there, way too worn out to move, even as his suit sleeve gradually smouldered away.
The makeshift weapon had done its job. The fire had flowed down the tunnel channelling into a rocket of flames. It shot from the exit of the slide with intense force, continuing for a good ten meters before fading into ash and soot. The mini pool itself spat a giant explosion of reds and yellows. The enemy substance melted and evaporated away into steam.
“Killed yah, yah mongrel!”
'We are not out of this yet' It was Ion's voice inside his head.
What was this guy telegnostic now as well? What exactly did he mean by that anyway? Johno didn't have a clue. That was until he looked up. Above the still burning flames the blood mist was swirling, merging. “You gotta be kidding me!”
“You cannot kill the dead.”
“How naive of you!”
“To think you could destroy us!!”
Johnathan stayed slumped at the top of the tower, burnt, beat, hurt and in enormous pain. There was nothing he could do but watch the horrid undead mass reform. Johno cursed before trying to make contact with Ion, 'Looks like you're on your own mate.'
|posts in thread|
Apr 17, 11 at 5:00pm ^re: Telepathic Rollercoaster (Ultimaodin vs Tseng_Eclipse)
Since the start of this duel I've been under the impression that this park is on a set of struts just offshore.
If I've misinterpreted... tough, it is now
Ion was stood by the pool, for a given value of ‘stood’. One of his hands gripped a nearly metal strut for support; the other was using the pellet gun as a kind of makeshift crutch. Although the adrenaline coursing through his system had numbed the worst of the pain, he was still careful not to put any weight on his ruined leg.
He was assessing the situation.
The Shadow was made of the Web, that much was clear. That meant, at its core, it wasn’t physical – yet Johno’s attempts to destroy its physical body had backfired quite spectacularly in a very literal fashion. Uncertain, annoyed and essentially immobile, Ion narrowed his eyes at what was left of it.
"He would have killed you.
"Taken you from
It was smaller now, only about Ion’s height and half again, but all of its body was burning. It had apparently amalgamated the petrol into itself as a replacement for the evaporated water. It was losing her voice, too, becoming an echo of dozens of different voices instead. Had Ion had the energy to spare, he would probably have been terrified at the sight of a burning Web-creature approaching him, dripping water and petrol. As it was, too much of his energy was going into staying conscious for him to waste it on fear.
“I do not intend to die today,” Ion responded, raising his left hand. The pellet gun hit the floor with a clatter that made him wince, and his hand was visibly shaking. He grimaced as he saw the blood, his blood, dripping down his fingers and… running towards the shadow?
With a scream of pain as the Web lit up in bright red light around him, Ion grabbed hold of the statue in the centre of the fountain and tore it from the ground, toppling it on top of the advancing Shadow. His grip on the strut tightened until his skin was white to stop himself from falling to his knees as he listened grimly to a multi-layered scream and a deep chuckle sounded in unison, followed by the creature seeping its way through the cracks in the statue and re-forming. The fire that the statue had briefly extinguished quickly spread from the still-burning area to the rest of it once more. Ion gritted his teeth. Blood seeped through his trousers and ran down his leg. Towards the shadow. It wasn’t just a trick of his eyes. The shadow was absorbing his blood. He narrowed his eyes, shifting backwards slightly and cringing as pain spiked in his leg. Would anyone’s blood do, or was it just him? It hadn’t reacted to Christelle when she’d been bleeding, but then she’d hardly been-
The gunshot. Is she still alive?
Keeping a careful eye on the slowly advancing shadow, he reached out with his psychic senses towards the girl. Her Web was still there, and she was on the verge of consciousness. Ion glanced down at his ruined leg, then up at the encroaching shadow, and steeled himself. He was running out of options and he wasn’t feeling too enamoured towards the young woman as it was. Sparing himself only enough strength to stay upright, he took hold of her Web.
"Hm? What are you doing?"
“You speak as though you actually care,” Ion murmured. Over in the stalls, Christelle sat up, surrounded by five children who were considerably more helpful towards her now than they had been before. The pellet had lodged itself in her arm and the powder had burned the skin around it, but she was still far more capable than Ion was. With his teeth gritted, he told them firmly what to do, then let them go with the hope that he’d been in their heads enough already that they wouldn’t question it. He kept a tag on Christelle, just in case, but he didn’t have enough energy to do anything more. Energy… Johno had stolen it, for his futile attempts to stop the shadow. It seemed wrong. They weren’t quite allies, not yet, just working together because…
The shadow turned the shape that passed for a head in the direction of Christelle. Inwardly, Ion cursed. Of course it had noticed, how could he have expected something made only of the Web and whatever liquid it could pull together to hold its form to not notice? A growl of frustration escaped his lips, which just made the shadow laugh. All it did was mock him, just like in St. Leon’s. It thought he was still the same weak little man as he had been then, transparent and open, easy prey. Ion clenched his free fist, heedless of the pain from the blood welling up under his skin. The Cross thrummed on his wrist.
I am not the same. I am not predictable and small. I am not an easy mark.
The shadow began to move, leaving a trail of char as it passed.
If you wish to torture me, go ahead. I will not break as easily as I did before.
Faintly, Ion could hear the terrified cries of people who hadn’t yet fled the park, afraid for their children. The red Web-lights lit up around the fallen bodies of people who had fainted at the sight of the monster, or the subsequent explosion.
I did this.
Slowly, Ion let go of the strut, hissing in pain as his broken shoulder protested the movement. He repressed all but a grunt of pain as he took a step forward on his ruined leg, which shook and threatened to buckle under him. The shadow paused.
"What are you doing?"
It sounded concerned now, rather than amused or mocking. Ion smiled grimly, seeing Christelle running over to the other side of the park behind them, and took another step. The pain felt like fire.
“Now you care,” he remarked, putting all he had into three quick, agonising steps forward before throwing himself bodily at the shadow. His Web burst into visibility as he hit it, the force of that rather than Ion’s speed forcing the shadow to the floor. Ion shut his eyes tightly as the fire licked at his skin, raising his uninjured hand to slam it down repeatedly into the shadow’s Web with a continuous scream of pain as both his broken body and his overused Web protested.
He choked and closed his mouth quickly as he felt the oily water envelop him, holding back a howl of pain in fear of swallowing petrol as their Webs meshed. He had to keep hold of himself, and keep hold of consciousness, too. He had to.
"Did you really think you would be able to stop me like that?"
Ion smiled slightly, a slight laugh escaping as bubbles rising up through the monster’s body. It dropped him, and he gasped for air as he hit the floor, his clothes still partially burning. It took almost more than he had left to roll over onto his back to put them out. Opening his eyes, he saw the shadow stood above him, looking both angry and malicious.
“…No,” he managed, still smiling. “What kind of fool do you think I am?” The feeling of malice lessened, replaced with confusion and an increased ire. Ion watched its Web-lights, the way they gathered around the blood.
"…What are you trying to do?"
Ion’s smile became cruel.
“Kill you,” he replied, wishing he could manage more than just a hoarse whisper after all the screaming. “Clearly. It’s you or me, and you’re already dead.” The confusion vanished, the anger took over. Flames flickered over the water. Ion had an idea. If it failed, it would fail spectacularly, and he wouldn’t be the only one to die. But he was desperate. He had no other choice. Determinedly, he reached out with his psychic senses and found Johno’s mind.
Hold on to something, he told him grimly, pushing himself backwards and into a sitting position as well as he could without full use of two hands. The shadow looked down at him. If it had had a face, Ion knew it would have been smiling, but as it was he could only feel the smugness over the anger. It thought it had won, that Ion had been bluffing. Or maybe that it could kill him before any plan of his could come to pass.
"How does it feel, to be helpless again?"
Ion heard a clang, and felt it reverberate through the park. He grinned.
“Better than you’d think,” he replied, voice still barely above a whisper. With his good hand, he reached out and took hold of a hunk of rock sticking out from the broken stump of the statue. Burning oil splashed down onto his face. He felt it burn. Weakly, he reached out to the minds of everyone else in the park.
Hold on to something.
People screamed out both inside and outside the boundary of the park as the sound of metal groaning, creaking and snapping filled the air. Ion’s grip tightened as the entirety of the seaward side started to buckle and list. The supports had been weakened earlier just like some of the ladders, but with the maintenance workers fled he’d had to co-opt Christelle’s help to deal them the final blow. It had worked, though. With a tremendous crash and a wash of water, one edge of the park crashed into the sea. The children whose minds Ion had grabbed were holding on to most of the unconscious people with all their strength, although a fair few of them had to dodge falling obstacles as loose articles in stands succumbed to gravity, and a pair of them narrowly escaped death as the Ferris wheel gave in and crashed down onto its side, sliding into the water below. The shadow howled.
“Are you scared?” Ion asked mockingly, swinging his good leg around and crashing it into the shadow’s Web. With a howl, it plummeted down the steep gradient that had once been the floor and crashed into the sea below, burning oil spreading itself out between the spokes of the Ferris wheel. Ion bit his lip. If he was wrong, he’d just given the monster more power than it could hope for. But if he was right…
The blood dissipated in the water. The Web-lights faded back into their customary bright gold glow. Slowly, Ion let out a breath he hadn’t been aware he was holding in.
We will find you.
We will kill you both.
“Do you worst, shadow,” he spat at the air, before glancing up at the water slide. Johno’s fluctuating Web was still up there, and stable. A couple of people were floating in the water, not yet dead but not guaranteed to live. Necessary sacrifice.
Now all he had to do was get out of the wreckage of the park before he passed out.
|posts in thread|
Apr 26, 11 at 5:58am ^re: Telepathic Rollercoaster (Ultimaodin vs Tseng_Eclipse)
Ultimaodin, reading through your posts reveals several simple but consistent problems, most of them related to grammar. You occasionally switch tenses for instance, for example. “letting the sugar dissolved even as the talked” with dissolve being the appropriate word. You sometimes also use redundant words, for example. “In fact the voice didn't seem like it had come from anywhere from around him” with the repetition of from. Other times you use the wrong word, and you ended up creating quite a few run on sentences as well. These grammar problems continued throughout the duel, and though they were a little rarer towards the later posts, they never stopped completely. A few more edits would have done wonders.
Moving onto more specific aspects of the duel, I found the lovey dovey romance with Christelle near the beginning a bit cliché. Not only do she and Johno do all the stereotypical couple things like talk about their pasts and look at the stars, but they’re brushed over. These interactions could have really made me care about Johno and Christelle, but we’re basically informed of them, rather than experience them. So yeah, the romance needs some work.
Also, there’s this one line which has been bugging me since I read this duel. Basically in one of Ion’s first mental exchanges he basically says “We wouldn't want those thugs from earlier to attack her now would we?” Now I’ve read through the post several times now and I really have no idea what this is referring to. Who are these thugs? And what did they do earlier in the day? Maybe you were setting up something for Tseng Eclipse here, but if you were it definitely could have been done better. If I’ve missed something and this all makes sense somehow, then I apologise. But like I said, as it is that line makes no sense to me.
Two things about the scuffle with the security guards caught my eye. The first is the random reference to Ion as a “Sith”, which really comes out of nowhere. Can’t speak for anyone else, but it kind of trivialises the description of an object or a character when it’s compared to something in a movie or a book. It can work for a joke, but there wasn’t really any humour in this. The second thing I spotted is how Christelle explains that she threw the knife at Ion. A recount in the middle of a battle like that destroys the drama and breaks the flow of the fighting. Considering she threw the thing just a few moments earlier while not being that far away from Johno, just including it in the fight straight out would have worked much better.
The agreement for both Johno and the possessed Christelle to drop their weapons also had me scratching my head a bit. Johno mentions several times he is deceiving Ion, that the drop is a feint. However the only explanation we get is that he filled the sheath of his weapon with “artificial rock” and somehow that tricked Ion. Several questions which immediately come to mind is where did Johno get a piece of artificial rock, and why did he pick it up? How did he perform the switch without Ion noticing, and how did the other character realise this deception? That an explanation only comes up after everything has happened only makes it more confusing.
Not much more to say about the end of the duel other than I disliked how you disabled Ion for half of the battle with the demon. Functionally a duel is a conflict between two characters, or at the very least a conflict between them and another third party. Ion and Johno working together to stop the monster could have been all kinds of awesome in my opinion, and it feels like a wasted opportunity. Also, calling the thing a “corporate demon” doesn’t really seem to work, even if it is accurate. Makes it sound like a walking billboard.
Tseng Eclipse, your intro started out in a very standard matter. Nothing really wrong with that, but there wasn’t anything really interesting or surprising about Ion how was introduced. I did like how this transitioned into your character becoming interested in Johno’s weapon though. The call backs to the duel with Clief were nice, and gave your posts a nice sense of continuity.
Formatting was a little strange in your first battle post. Bolded parts are supposed to be commands according to what was written earlier, but the lines just seem to be taunts from the possessed Christelle, not actual orders. This issue comes up again in your second battle post, where you have the white text from the shadow. While I appreciate an attempt to distinguish the voice from the others, I found that having to highlight the words in order to read them quite a hindrance. Considering that both Ion and Johno react to the words multiple times, it really disrupts the flow of the writing when I have to keep going back because I missed them.
One of the more confusing points in the later posts of the duel is the demon, or shadow, or whatever it is. Both you and Ultimaodin seemed to foreshadow it, so I’m unsure whether you collaborated, but seeing as you introduced it, I’ll direct my concerns towards you. What exactly is the monster? It’s described as being comprised of water, blood and later petrol, and possessing the voice of Katrynne, but what is it? It’s mentioned as being a product of the web, but I still don’t entirely get why the web has suddenly decided to take a form and fight Ion and Johno. Again, sorry if this all makes sense and I just missed it in all the writing, but otherwise this needed a better an explanation.
You also sort of copy Ultimaodin in that you keep your character separated from his for the most part during the final post. I liked how you sort of brought Christelle back into things, but again I would have liked to have seen Johno and Ion perform a team up.
Ultimaodin, as I stated earlier, the main problem I found with your posts was the grammar. The errors are quite common, and really detract from your work. If you had managed to catch them during editing, your posts would have been much stronger. Other than that and some choices in your writing which I don't agree with, your side of the duel was good.
Tseng Eclipse, your formatting issues were small but very visible, and I'm still not sure what happened with the shadow. Otherwise though your posts are neat and straight forward.
In the end, I'm going to have to go with Tseng Eclipse here. For the purposes of this review I have focused on the negative, so forgive me if sounds like I've done nothing but criticise and condemn. Both of you put on a good duel, and I enjoyed it fairly well. Just work on your editing Ultimaodin, and both of you put a little more detail into your explanations, and we'll be golden.
|posts in thread|
May 05, 11 at 12:48am ^re: Telepathic Rollercoaster (Ultimaodin vs Tseng_Eclipse)
This duel was...
I don't know if I've ever told you, but I love, love love your writing style. That said, while your posts were fantastic, there were a few errors here and there that, while simple, stood out quite a bit. Just instances where you'd forget a word or two. Not a huge error, but it does cause a hiccup or two in the flow of your writing. The easiest way to fix that is to just read your posts out loud before you post them. That will generally help you to catch all, or a very large majority, of mistakes like that.
Now then, your intro post was standard, not that that's a bad thing. I enjoyed reading through your introduction and Ion's thoughts on us humans. =D
The throwbacks to previous duels were a very nice touch as well, though I admittedly haven't read them.
Your first battle post was very well put together; I enjoyed what you did with Christelle near the end. Nicely done. Again, I love your writing style, so not much to say there. You're at the top of your game here.
Your second and third battle posts were excellent as well. You really made Ion come alive here and his personality shone brilliantly. There were some points when I was confused as to what was going on, but it was mostly because I'd read a sentence or two too quickly and needed to go back and read it more carefully.
All in all, a very nice performance.
Your greatest strength that stood out for me is your descriptions. You do an amazing job of giving your writing a very clear picture. I sincerely wish I had your own attention to detail, but I tend to skim over things in my own writing. However, you suffer in much the same way as Tsengy in that you occasionally forget a word or switch tenses, and that throws off the flow of your writing and leads to confusion. That confusion is worse for you than for her because of your writing style - when you put so much attention into detail and descriptiveness, a single small mistake can cause a train wreck for an entire paragraph. There were points in some of your posts where I wasn't quite sure what was going on because of a mishap in wording or lack of a word altogether. So I give you the same suggestion I gave Tsengy: read your posts out loud to yourself or, better yet, to a friend and you'll catch almost all of your mistakes.
Now then, your intro post was a bit cliche, but it was sweet nonetheless (I'm a sucker for romances). I really liked it for the most part, though the bit about the 'thugs from earlier' confused me. I wasn't sure if it was a reference to a past duel or a Chronicles post or something else altogether.
As for your battle posts, excellent job. This is where your descriptiveness really shines. When I can visualize a battle in my head blow for blow, then you've done something that a lot of other writers can't pull off (at least for me), though again, a few mess ups caused me to have to reread a few parts here and there.
You did a really great job fighting Ion and you got very creative in your posts. All in all, well done!
Tseng_Eclipse Both of you had near impeccable writing and what one suffered from, the other suffered from as well, but Tsengy to a lesser degree. As a result, she gets my vote.
Fantastic job, both of you. I'd love to take either of you on any day.
|posts in thread|
May 08, 11 at 10:47am ^re: Telepathic Rollercoaster (Ultimaodin vs Tseng_Eclipse)
Drip. Drip. Drip.
The sound of blood hitting the stone floor below him.
Drip. Drip. Drip.
Water slowly draining from the themed rides into the sea below.
Thrum Thrum Thrum Thrum Thrum.
Ion looked up at the unmistakable sound of a helicopter to see one painted in bright, resplendent yellow hovering over the park, then move over the wreckage to stay above the water, creating a circle of displaced sea with the downdraft. Sirens echoed in the distance. Apparently more than one person had called the emergency services, and for once, this was mostly beneficial to Ion.
Slowly, Ion reached up with his injured arm as best he could and wrapped it around the statue, hauling himself up until he was sat on it with a slow hiss of pain. Now secure and in marginally less pain, he took a fresh look at the destruction around him. People, dazed but mostly alive, were slowly making their way off the platform. Three people had formed a team and were using ladders and ropes to try and rescue those that were unconscious but in a stable position. The flashing blue reflections of ambulance lights reflected off the metal support structures of what was left of the rides, although Ion couldn’t see the ambulances themselves.
I have to get Jonathan down. Nobody knows he’s up there, and those burns...
Slowly, Ion shook his head. Altruism. It felt foreign to him, just like the nagging feeling in the back of his head that told him that this was all his fault. Guilt. It left a bad taste in his mouth.
Not wanting to stop the naturally kind people with their ladder-and-rope chain, Ion reached out to the weakest conscious mind he could find and persuaded them to start climbing up to Johno. Even that small act left blackness creeping at the edges of his vision. Viciously, Ion concentrated all he had on staying awake. If the ambulance crews got to him in this state and he wasn’t awake to subtly redirect them, anything could happen. Not least losing the cross, which they wouldn’t understand the purpose of. The thought of losing his Web just because he couldn’t stay conscious, of burning out and never feeling the Web again, made him shiver involuntarily. Or perhaps it was just the pain.
Ion glanced up at the helpful people as they lowered a rope down to him, seeing his recruited man climbing carefully up to the top of the water slide out of the corner of his eye.
“I will manage,” he informed them bluntly as one man looked like he was about to slide down and grab him, instead wrapping the rope a few times around his good arm and taking a firm hold. “Just pull me up, if you wouldn’t mind.” They seemed surprised, but after a brief discussion and a shrug, Ion was hauled up onto land at the right angle, where he continued to sit and focus his all into staying awake. He could hear the faint sirens of more ambulances arriving and possibly a fire engine, as well as another helicopter. He smiled faintly,
inadvertently reminded of the overreactions of the police to problems in Coronas, and watching the ambulances rush past his window every hour or so.
The paramedics approached him uncertainly as the second helicopter, hovering over the water ride, airlifted both Johno and his saviour inside. Even at this distance Ion could sense his unease, tenuously connected as they were by the knife.
She is still alive, he told him, before using the very last of his energy to ‘suggest’ to the paramedics that the cross was not to be taken off his arm, no matter how much any other doctors might insist. Psychic bruising burned across his whole body and, briefly, the angel-lights flickered out of his vision. For approximately two seconds, panic hit Ion, before he lost his futile battle with his injuries and exhaustion and passed out.
|posts in thread|
The last Tyen
total posts: 5196
since: May 2010
May 28, 11 at 8:03am ^re: Telepathic Rollercoaster (Ultimaodin vs Tseng_Eclipse)
Okay, sorry this has taken so long to put up, but here is my judging on this epicly great duel.
First off, there are quite a few grammar errors in this post. It does away from the flow of the post and over all lets it down. For example
'letting the sugar dissolved even as the talked random nonsense.' Should read 'letting the sugar dissolve even as they talked about random nonsense.'
This type of thing plus missed words were scattered throughout the post. In terms of cliché romantic goings on between Johno and Christelle, I quite liked it. It brings out a softer side that hasn't previously been seen from his character and it was nice to witness this.
There is one major thing I have with this post though. Out of nowhere Ion speaks directly to Johno and Christelle with no purpose at all. Just some random speaking to him for no apparent reason other than to cause harm. I feel as though this post would have worked a lot better had Tseng posted first, that way we get a sense of what is actually going on. But as the first post to the whole duel and not having read Tseng's post to go off of, this post feels out of place because of it. Just something to think about for future duels I guess?
Battle post 1:
First 2 paragraphs made no sense to me and it completely broke the flow that Senny had created at the end of her last post. Instead of carrying on from that point, you go back in time a little bit which confused me more. Battle posts should be more about continueing on from the last post. To me it just broke the fluidity of the duel straight up and left me confused as to what you were talking about.
I unsure how to think about Johno finding Ion so easily. I understand his skills are very good and it wouldn't take much to find such a man lurking in the shadows, but there wasn't anything to suggest that he was just another man waiting to jump someone else. Just seemed too easy to me.
Another thing I have with this. Whilst the fight going on with the guards you said there were 12 of them. By the time that Christelle was explaining here attack, 7 had been taken out including the ones she had. Why are the other 5 not attacking Johno as he stands there dumbfounded? Ion isn't controlling the guards, but has placed the idea in their head that Johno is a dangerous man. I dont think you quite grasp that aspect of Ion's abilities, so the other 5 should still be attacking Johno.
Everythin else though I liked. You can write battle scene's quite well, and this was no exception. I understood evrything that was going on in the battle post. Also I liked having Christelle involved in the fight. Very nice indeed.
Battle post 2:
I really liked this post.
2 things though. First is the same that Bale said. The fact that Ion didn't know about the rocks is strange as the red web thing is from the dagger itself, so he would've seen that instantly. The second is you last paragraph. I'm actually conflicted with this. The description about him being torn apart and stuff was really very good. Your getting very good at describing other people's abilities through Johno and I found that it was very entertaining. However, some of the sentences just didn't make sense to me and confused me slightly, which left me re-reading a couple times.
Other than that I really liked this post and found it to be the best so far. I was absorbed into this post more so than any other in the duel thus far.
Battle post 3:
Your post is too damn long. I hate reading long posts...
Again, you have repeated what was just said basically and it breaks the flow that Senny has just made for you. We all know what just happened so there isn't much point retelling us straight afterwards.
After this, I came across a lot of grammar mistakes. Missing comma's, missing words, the whole lot and it really threw me off to what was going on. There was hardly any flow in this post and to be honest, after reading your last one I was expecting sooo much more for this one and it really disappointed me.
I liked the whole thing with Johno trying to take out that demon thing, however what I didn't like was that you took out Ion from the battle, and this is a battle between johno and Ion. I wouldn't mind so much if they worked together, but they didn't. Ion didn't appear very much in this post, and having a battle between the two, he needs to feature in your post's all the time.
But other than that, it was good to see Johno strategise some what and nice to see he can think on his toes. Brings a new element to his character and you did a good job showing us this.
To be honest. I really couldn't find anything about this post that I didn't like. A few grammar errors but nothing serious. This post was very well presented with some very good ideas in place. I liked how you brought The standard and Clief into this as well through the dagger, it was very well done. Again, I have nothing against this post really.
Battle post 1:
Again, not much I didn't like about this post.
At the start a random line was said. I'm assuming it was a memory of Ion's but i'm not so sure. A little bit of clarification could be used here.
Also, there wasn't much in the way of...well, battling in this post. I understand that it is hard to have Ion actualy fight and stuff, but none the less, this post was used more of a build up to the end of it rather than an actual battle post.
The writing was well presented and not too many grammar issues, but again, the fact it wasnt much of a battle post was a little off putting for me.
Battle post 2:
'He twisted around and as good as fell into the fountain'' This sentence confused me and threw me completely out of whack for that second paragraph. I know what you trying to say, but I think you may have missed one or two words here.
The white writing also confuses me. There is nothing thus far to tell me who it is or any kind of reference it has. I can only assume it's someone from Ion's past, but i'm not sure. This bugs me..
'Security looked the other way on Ion’s direction as small hands reached for the weapons left on the floor. The lights around Johno seemed confused and disorientated; as if they didn’t know what he was any more. They flickered between his original Web, the weak, fractured lights he’d seen on Clief and the angel-like arrangement of a broken psychic .' This paragraph confused me slightly. I had to re-read it a few time's to figure out you weren't actually talking about lights lol. This would have been much better if you said something more like the shape of his web rather than just lights around him.
The idea of bringing something else into the fight was a good one. However, i'm thinking it could have been done a bit better. All the while whilst reading the fight, you mention small details about it coming and it kept throwing me off of what was actually happening. It would have been better to dedicate a bit to it instead of here and there. Very nice to have some background and emotion from Ion brought into this, however little it is. It's not often we see him begin to lose his composure.
Battle post 3:
I liked how you try the only thing Ion can do and that's throw something at the beast. I found it funny. And then Ion get's to thinking and realises Christelle could still be alive, effectively bringing her back into the fight after Ulti had taken her out of it. I
It was also very nice to see Ion showing some emotion in this post aswell. More so than the last one, and you get a slight feel for his past here aswell.
I didn't like that you took Johno out of this post, like Ulti had to Ion. This is a battle between Johno and Ion, and to have the other person's character barely appear in a battle post shouldn't happen. As I said to Ulti, it would be better to have them appear as working together than to not appear at all. Just something to think about for future reference.
I also felt that this post was simply just a build up to the last part. No battling happened, even between the monster and Ion. I was dissappointed by this and would have liked to see some of Ion's intelligence come into account to maybe dodge one or two attacks before he destroyed the monster.
Both writer's did a very good job in this battle. Don't let all the negativity get in the way of that. I only point out some key things in a much bigger picture. This duel was very good, confusing at times, but good. In the end though I have to give this one to Senny. Her writing flowed better and she I feel her mistakes weren't as big as the one's as your's Ulti. Sorry mate.
|posts in thread|
|[All dates in (PST) time]||Threads List « Next Newest Next Oldest »|
|REPLY TO THIS THREAD START NEW THREAD|
Powered by neoforums v2.3.3e (Bolieve)
Copyright Neo Era Media, Inc. 1999-2015