|REPLY TO THIS THREAD START NEW THREAD|
|Tiger of Wu||
Oct 10, 10 at 2:02pm ^Tiger of Wu vs. Clief (Self-Destructive Tendencies)
Log in to remove this advertisement
Three Battle Posts Each
[color=#666666]This message was edited on 2012-01-25T02:52:30-08:00.
I had a dream I could buy my way to heaven,
When I awoke I spent that on a necklace.
|Log in or register to remove this advertisement|
|Tiger of Wu||
Jan 26, 11 at 5:48am ^re: Tiger of Wu vs. Clief (Self-Destructive Tendencies)
It was fair, more than fair, to say that Anger hated Hatred. This was, contrary to what some may believe, not ironic in the slightest. Anger's hatred stemmed from envy, envy of Hatred's ability to be precise.
Originally Emote's creators, a goddess of darkness and a god of light called Myrmidon and Eon respectively, were of the impression that Hatred should be the one to control the red energy and that Anger should have super-strength.
"Imagine," Myrmidon would say. "What kind of torture and pain Hatred could inflict onto her enemies if she could literally form matter out of the ether." She would always laugh after saying such things.
"I try not to." Eon would reply. He didn't like the idea of it but he had agreed that Myrmidon could gift three of the forms with three abilities and, as a god of light, Eon kept to his word.
"And Anger!" By this point, every time, Myrmidon would practically be climaxing at her visions. "With the strength to surpass the entirety of Arxin's armies; she could level entire cities within seconds from a blood-fuelled rage."
"And I'm certain that won't have repercussions in our new world at all."
Verin was the goddess of wisdom, the grand puppet master and Emote's only non-mortal friend back in the old world of Vianna. No-one's quite sure how Verin did it, nor is anyone sure if Eon had a part in it, but during the creation process of the goddess called Emote she managed to change it so that Hatred would have the strength and Anger would have the energy. It was the most that could be done but it was surely enough to keep her from destroying their new world, if only for a short time.
And so, back in the present, Emote sat and Anger fumed. The cheek of it, that old bitch taking away her potential. She could have been beautiful, she could have been glorious, an angel arching over the wastes of civilisation, a demon of death and destruction. Run in fear, they would cry, for Emote is coming and with her comes only pain and ruin. Hatred wouldn't have opposed her and Fear... well, Fear always gives in to Anger. Same with mortals, really. Yet here she was, able to make pretty, red swords. How fucking delightful.
"My lady," Captain Danog began. Currently the city, or at least those who could fight, was undergoing preparations for war against Amadeth. "We have news that Credence returns and is ready to go over infiltration strategies." Credence, someone whom Emote had met once before and who had strong ties to the creature known as Tetrath, had volunteered his help in the aforementioned war. He would make tactics, decide who they could bring in from other universes, order her people whilst all she could do was be useless and stay out of the way. They were starting to turn on her, they were going to begin worshipping Credence, she knew it, she could feel it. Well then, he can't take her followers if there are no followers to take.
Anger stood from the steps of the palace and grabbed Captain Danog by the throat, slamming him into the ground. She sat on his chest and held a large, red sword within her right hand. The tip of the weapon's blade just poked his throat slightly and then the inner voices began.
"And calm down."
"Just don't hurt anyone."
With a glass shattering scream Anger stabbed the dirt next to Danog's face and then, using her red energy to push herself from the ground, she shot into sky, through the troposphere, stratosphere and on until she was floating through space again. Because of the nature of outer-space it wasn't long before Anger died, so to speak, but with no other place to go on Earth where there was a profound absence of people and emotion which could allow Anger to calm down, dying in space was the only way she could see to do it. Anger is, after-all, highly irrational. Soon she would become Love again and then her body would heal and, as before, she would be able to swim back towards Earth. Of course there was always the possibility of a worm-hole or such but, as stated, Anger is highly irrational.
And so Emote's body floated, changing from Anger to Sorrow to Joy and then finally to Love.
When she opened her eyes and felt herself reform and resurrect, Love immediately noticed four things. The first was that she was lying on rock or a similar solid, hard surface; which also meant she had ended up on another planet. The second was that she could feel an intense heat as if fire was all around her. The third was that the atmosphere of this planet felt similar to that of Earth, meaning it possibly housed life within it. The fourth, and final, thing she immediately noticed was that standing above her with a more than sour expression was a young looking man with spiked blue hair. His eyes, aflame with an emotional cocktail even the goddess didn't try to decipher, were blue on the outside and grew progressively lighter going inwards to white pupils. They were eyes which Emote swore could only belong to a Tyen.
[color=#666666]This message was edited on 2011-10-05T04:32:35-07:00.
I had a dream I could buy my way to heaven,
When I awoke I spent that on a necklace.
Feb 15, 11 at 4:31am ^re: Tiger of Wu vs. Clief (Self-Destructive Tendencies)
Walking down the streets of Darwin, Clief uneasily made his way through the crowded center of town. Turning left down an alleyway and stopping in front of a small store. He pulled out a bit of paper from his coat, glanced at it and then looked above to the sign. Sighing, he opened up the door to the sound of a bell. A young woman stood at the counter awaiting his request. Clief stood there for a few moments looking unsure of what to say.
“I’m looking for Lindel,” he said.
The woman stared at him momentarily before signalling for him to follow her out back. They walked down a dark hallway and stopped before a door. She only opened the door slightly before moving out the way and gesturing Clief to go alone. A little uneasy about moving onwards, he followed the gesture and opened the door to find a man in a chair behind a desk, leaning forward as though he had been expecting him. Clief began walking towards the desk but stopping suddenly when the door shut behind him. Now feeling even more uncomfortable he just stood there, staring at the man in the chair.
“I’ve been told about you and why your here and before you ask, yes I can help you find the answers you seek. But first, I need you to do something for me,” said the man with a wry smile on his face.
“This is as far as I can take you, I can’t spare any pods for you either, this is a dangerous part of the galaxy,” said a man speaking to Clief.
“That’s fine, I won’t be needing one....I hope,” he replied.
Clief was on a spaceship orbiting around a dying planet. He made his way to the airlock compartment of the ship ignoring the pleas of the crewmate telling him not to go. He had reached the large steel door and opened it, walking inside he prepared him for what was about to come. He had no idea if his idea would work or not, but he needed to find his answers. He turned back and signalled everything was okay and he was ready to be purged from the ship. The crewman hesitated for a moment and then pushed the air release button. Clief was ripped away from the compartment instantly. He had exhaled all the air he had in his lungs, he didn’t have long before he would die, and he had to move fast. Withdrawing his Crystal sword he summoned Duegan.
Quickly, take me to the planet
Duegan understood what was going on and smiled, or did something that resembled a smile. Catching Clief in his talons he used the pulling gravity to his advantage as picked up tremendous speed entering the atmosphere of the planet. Having dragon scales helped Duegan a lot when he burst into a flaming ball; however the heat for Clief was another thing. It was tremendously hot entering the atmosphere of a planet at high speeds, so much so that he nearly passed out from it. As they got closer towards the planet Duegan began to lessen the angle of his descent to help cool Clief down.
Once they landed on the ground, they noticed it was hot and didn’t look too stable; however the atmosphere was that like Earth’s. In fact Clief felt a similarity of this planet to that of another; his home. He looked around to see magma shoot into the sky in distance.
”I have information that a goddess is in this world. We can’t have goddess’s in this world of mortals, it makes it unbalanced. If you take her out, I’ll tell you everything about whom you are”
Clief stood there as he remembered what Lindel had asked of him. He couldn’t believe he had agreed to do this. He was on a losing streak as it was without facing a goddess. With no belief in himself he wondered if this would be a suitable place to die as he knew could feel a battle of unbelievable proportions was on the horizon. He looked to sky for some comfort, but instead saw a shooting star fall to the planet. Wondering what it could be Clief used his exceptional speed to move towards the crater it was certainly going to make.
After perhaps an hour of running he finally reached the edge of a crater, but what he found at the bottom of it was not what he was expecting. A person lay there, with glowing skin and long pink hair. But the strange thing was her attire, a white dress, completely unsinged. In fact her entire being looked to be unaltered from the impact of hitting the planet’s surface. Thinking it a little odd Clief made his way to the body to see she was still alive. Leaning over her he could feel her breathing.
Remembering that word he looked at her face as she began to stir. Her eyes opened looking a little bemused as she adjusted to her surroundings and finding a man leaning over her.
|Tiger of Wu||
Feb 27, 11 at 4:26pm ^re: Tiger of Wu vs. Clief (Self-Destructive Tendencies)
"You should be dead." Emote blurted out in surprise, rather bluntly. Clief gazed down at her in disbelief.
"Is that a statement or a demand?" He asked. His face soured; if she was the one he was sent to be rid of, such banter wouldn't help the matter. Love stood and brushed dust from her dress, appearing highly unamused.
"You should be dead." She reiterated. "Loabin said there was no other." Leaving him with this revelation, she stumbled away and looked at her surroundings. "This place is about the blow." She muttered. It was a fairly obvious thing to say; the land was practically barren, all vegetation black and shrivelled, and both near and far fires raged. In the distance Emote could see a volcanic eruption and she contemplated whether or not people could be nearby, in need of assistance. Then again even if there were what could she do? Take them into space? That would just be silly. "Is there any way you can leave and survive," She began, turning. "Before this planet expl-" She stopped. Clief stared at her in shock. A suppressed anger bubbled beneath it.
"What do you know of Loabin?" He demanded. Love gave him a look of confusion. "What of the Tyen?" He demanded again. His voice trembled. "What of me?"
"You should know more about yourself than I do," She replied, trying to defuse the tension with humour. It failed. "I know only of Loabin. He told me no other Tyen survived." She answered. Emote had encountered Loabin, Clief's brother, long ago. She helped him when he was injured and he told her of the war between the Tyen and the Cartaha. Maybe he didn't know Clief was still alive, maybe he simply refused to acknowledge his existence at the time, maybe he simply didn't want to speak of it; for whatever reason, he told her he himself was the last of his kind. No others, not even Clief, survived.
Clief drew his steel sword and aimed it at the goddess. "Tell me." He threatened, eyes narrow, lips pursed. Within what seemed like a millisecond Emote was upon him; he would have reacted, side-stepped and slashed at her, but... she went straight into his sword. She impaled herself on it so it was half-way through her then she grabbed Clief's hand, which held the hilt. The goddess cried out in pain as she pushed the sword completely through herself; Clief's hands grew slick with her blood as Love leaned in to him and began to speak.
"You shouldn't," She began, hollowly and weakly as one would expect from someone with a sword through her chest. "Point that thing at someone... if you aren't completely certain you wish... to kill them..." Disgustedly, Clief heaved his sword out of the goddess with great effort, as if prying it from stone. Love fell to her knees and she breathed heavily as the wound in her chest healed, the rip in her dress stitched itself back together and the blood dissipated. She looked up towards the Tyen. "You're certainly more reckless than he is." She stated. There was a short moment of quiet, the only sound being the gathering of black clouds in the red sky and the low hum they emitted which preceded thunder.
"I have been sent to rid you from this world in exchange for information regarding my past." Clief stated. "You can tell me what you know and you will be spared," Light flashed; thunder roared above, fire below. "Otherwise I will kill you." He took a step back, though kept his sword unsheathed in a sign of sincerity. Emote stood.
"You come to a dying planet... you point your blade with intent before knowing your foe... you aim to kill an immortal." Love's mouth dropped and her eyebrows rose. "I would do you no favour in telling you anything." She finally said. "You are clearly not ready." There was another moment of silence between the two whilst the planet raged and screamed around them.
"You refuse?" He asked venomously. Thunder shouted out and a flash of light from the clouds blinded the both of them for but a second. When vision returned no longer did the woman with the white dress stand there; in her place was a darker woman with a bright red tattoo adorning half of her body and a simple, almost Neanderthal outfit.
"I refuse." She confirmed. As if from nowhere two weapons appeared in her hands; a large, red sword in her left and a long, red rod in her right. She ran at Clief and swung the sword and he raised his own to defend himself. Under the power of a single weapon he could have held her off but with an attack from the rod joining, he was forced to move. He spun backwards, swinging his weapon with both hands. When he had turned fully he struck Anger's weapons and she was forced to step back herself, surprised by the strength Clief could manage.
In a fluid motion Emote dropped the sword she held and allowed it to be absorbed into the rod whereupon the fused weapons extended into a spear. She stabbed it at her foe who batted it away with his sword held by one hand, then she stabbed towards his face and he managed to parry the weapon upwards. Rather than advance in the opening Clief backed away, holding his sword high in one hand in case the spear came down again. Without a mind for tactics Anger rushed forwards again, lunging with the spear and being deflected once more; few had the ability to meet Anger's attacks in general, let alone with only the strength of one arm. Finally Clief threw his free hand in front of him, revealing it to be bright red and glowing. "Fireball!" He screamed and, charged up as he battled, the spell of fire shot like a ball from a cannon. It appeared to strike the goddess directly and the Tyen loosened himself, lowering his sword and breathing heavily.
When the smoke and dust cleared, Clief's heart sank. Anger stood before him completely unharmed, a thick, glass-like shield of red appearing in front of her and curling around her. Sweat brought on by the heat dripped from her chin and rolled down her breast, disappearing behind her chest wrap. Other than the perspiration there was no sign he had even attacked her. He knew taking on a goddess would be a difficult task but he had no idea she would be like this; he contemplated his options and then the strangest of things happened. She smiled.
"Your coat is pretty." She taunted, rather calmly. "You should remove it before it gets damaged." Her foe said nothing and she continued. "Riders and summoners." Anger's grin grew wider, a slasher smile if Clief had ever saw one. "Do it." Her voice was almost a whisper.
Clief hesitated then Anger screamed. On her back she sprouted large red wings, crooked red horns protruded from her head and a long, red tail appeared above her buttocks. Her tattoo glowed brightly and sporadically, as if attempting to speak in Morse code. In her right hand the spear disappeared and a sword replaced it; it appeared identical to Clief's crystal sword except that it was purely red. If she could mimic his weapon, thus far hidden under his coat, what she had said about meeting Loabin must have been true. Any doubt Clief may have had dissipated from his mind; his brother was alive and she had met him. She would tell him what she knew or she would die.
"Do it!" Anger repeated, this time shrieking as loud as the thunder. Clief sheathed his steel sword and drew his crystal blade with a new resolve; this was no longer about strength or power, he simply had to win. He raised his weapon.
Emote laughed then took to the skies, wings flapping on her back and sword raised, and with an ear-splitting roar from a flash of blue Duegan appeared before her.
[color=#666666]This message was edited by Tiger of Wu on Feb 27 2011.
I had a dream I could buy my way to heaven,
When I awoke I spent that on a necklace.
Jul 7, 11 at 10:54pm ^re: Tiger of Wu vs. Clief (Self-Destructive Tendencies)
Clief stared at his opponent, quickly measuring her up. Any kind of tactics he had learned over all of his battles would come forth in this one. He was facing a goddess; a being on another level from himself. It was all out or die; that was the type of fight he was now taking part in. He unclipped his sheathe from his hip and stabbed it into the ground. He then proceeded to take his coat off, as requested, and hooked it over the hilt of his steel sword. Emote hovered in the sky, watching her prey as he did as she commanded. A large smile erupted on her face as she watched Clief prepare to go all out.
You know what to do Duegan, lets go
Duegan took flight away from Clief, turned around and dove at him with tremendous speed. Clief jumped into the air, flipping onto the dragon's back and riding him towards the now laughing goddess. Clief found none of this to be funny, he had to beat her to get answer's, there was no other way. He had doubted that Lindel could tell him about his past, but he had nothing to lose.
Flying towards Emote, Clief jumped off of Duegan and began to fall back to the ground, confusing the muscular woman. Clief met the tip of the dragon's tail with his feet, being pushed to a faster speed than what Duegan could fly. Everything to gain an advantage was necessary. Flying at such a high speed created a vortex around him as he held his sword up, ready to stab Emote the second he reached her. Seeing this coming however it was easy to dodge. At the last second she moved, taunting Clief; what she hadn't counted on however was the fact he was expecting this. In the short time he passed her, he swung his sword to the side, cutting her side slightly. As Emote turned around to watch Clief further ascend into the sky a small vein popped out on her forehead. She was clearly very displeased to have been cut by a mortal.
“You'll pay for that!” she yelled.
Clief smirked to himself, quite proud at what he had accomplished already; but this was no time to get ahead of himself, he needed his full attention on the task at hand. Duegan caught him as gravity began to pull him back towards the erupting planet. He then turned around and began to fall towards Emote. With speed increasing the distance between the two was closing fast. Clief noticed her grip her sword tightly, she was letting her anger get the better of her. Duegan breathed a large fire ball towards Emote; it was much stronger than anything Clief could muster, but it was still simple for her shield to block. Once the fire cleared away she let down the shield again only to meet Clief on the other side. Swinging his sword towards her it was met with hers. She quickly countered with an attack, which Clief blocked. This continued for a few strikes, back and forth, each hit keeping Clief airborne. Then, without warning, Clief backed off and began falling to the earth again, but not without a reason. Duegan came at Emote from behind, talons out and ready to strike. She had seen it coming however and dodged; she hadn't expected the tail of the dragon to whip around and hit her as it passed though.
We can do this Duegan.
No getting your hopes up just yet.
Clief reached the ground without so much as a pounce on the landing; Emote however crashed hard into the crumbling crust of the planet, causing a slight crater to form on impact. The impact appeared to have an effect on the planet as magma burst out of the ground next to Clief. He was fast to react to it however, moving out of the way with his lightning speed; this however meant he was off guard and with the goddess quick to recover from her previous hit, she used the opening to her advantage. He caught her out of the corner of his eye, but her speed was much greater than his, and his inertia was too great to change course so quickly. The best he could do was raise his sword to block the attack from hers. This then sent him flying back with an immense amount of force. He was only about a meter from the ground, but he travelled a fair few more before he hit it. As soon as he hit it he flipped back onto his feet, only to meet another attack as soon as his feet touched the ground. This meant he didn't have a lot of strength in his legs to move as each attack she laid on him caused him to hover just above the ground.
“Come on Tyen!! Fight back!” she yelled at him. He noticed her hands starting to go white from gripping the handle of her sword so tight.
What is with her? Everything about her seem so angry. Her speech, her battle tactics, even her body language.
Duegan let out another fire ball at the two of them, Clief of course expecting it; Emote however was not. Without giving up on her relentless assault on Clief this meant he couldn't get away, the ball of fire hitting them both. As emotionless as he should have been after that moment, Clief felt immensely surprised at the fact he was still alive let alone perfectly fine. Luckily for him Emote had a keen battle sense and had raised her shield to the sky as she felt the abnormal heat from above; unlucky for him however, he now realised just what kind of reflexes she had. She had been toying with him a great deal. She let him believe he had the edge, but after the surprise attack she was far from wanting to play games any more. Clief quickly darted backwards, not wanting anything to do with her at close range. She caught on to the very quickly and chased after him.
Dammit, I thought I was fast, but she's.....she's unbelievable!!
She caught up in no time; Clief barely able to raise his sword to block as she attacked him; the force pushing him back further. She chased again, pulling the sword back and getting ready for her next attack.
Damn! I'm out of my league here!
He began trembling as she closed in on him; he had never feared death as he had now. He raised his sword to try and protect himself from the next attack, but knew he wasn't strong enough to hold her back. She had closed into attacking range and begun swinging her sword at him.
This is it!
He closed his eyes as he waited for his death, only for it to not come. Standing there shaking like a dog, with his raised sword flailing around, he slowly opened his eyes to see someone else standing in front of him. A blonde pigtailed woman wearing plain white cargo trousers along with baby blue high-tops and a striped, white and baby blue belly top with light make-up. Clief couldn't make sense of what just happened, this was the third woman he had met on this planet, and what happened to the one about to kill him? He was so confused he could but only muster one word.
|Tiger of Wu||
Jul 14, 11 at 9:09am ^re: Tiger of Wu vs. Clief (Self-Destructive Tendencies)
Trembling less, arm slowed to a stop, sword still raised, Clief's utterance brought forth a giggle from Emote. She leaned forward and stared at his face, he himself still holding his raised sword. There was some telepathic activity going on; of course, he was talking to the dragon.
"Holy shit! It's a dragon!" Joy yelled, jumping back. "Loabin told us about them but... I mean... a dragon!" she jumped on the spot, staring at Duegan as he floated in the near-distance. Clief took a few cautionary steps back, sword still raised. "A dragon! A motherf-"
"What did you mean by us?" the Tyen asked, cutting her off. Joy giggled.
"Me and my sisters." She forcefully poked her temple repeatedly, before uttering, "Ow," and rubbing her head.
"Sisters..." Clief repeated. "I think I'm starting to understand." Joy slowly nodded along as he spoke.
"Well," she began, big smile on her face. "Good luck with that." And then she disappeared, leaving behind only a trail of blue smoke puffs. Clief's grip around his sword tightened; Duegan swooped down and he rode atop him, towards the nearest settlement (or remains of a settlement) where Emote had gone. They found her wondering a dirt path through burnt or burning buildings, calling out for any survivors.
Will you tell us what you know?
The voice boomed within Joy's head. The goddess turned and looked up to Duegan, Clief atop his back, and though she wanted to she couldn't reply before the others did.
"He is not ready to hear it."
"He does not deserve what we know."
"Right now, it will only hurt him."
"Arrogant... I like him, reminds me of myself, but my hands are tied."
Duegan turned his head back slightly, once more speaking to Clief; whatever they spoke of was interrupted when the Tyen was tackled off of the dragon's back, the words, "Extreme hugs!" almost deafening him as Emote screamed them into his ear. He struggled, trying to attack back, and the world continued to blur around him as he landed on the hard floor and rolled a few times before finally standing, sword raised in anticipation. He saw the happy girl standing in the distance, stretching out her limbs. Duegan was nowhere to be seen. "I put the doggy out so he couldn't pee all over the carpet," she stated, moving her head and neck around in her hands.
Clief did a quick check; he couldn't sense the dragon in his sword, or in the nearby area. Before he could ask about or comment on it, Emote was upon him. She attacked directly, appearing in a puff of blue and recklessly throwing a fist at Clief's face. He managed to slash at her arm before she could land the strike, but of course she teleported to his side and the fist continued to fly. As it struck he instinctively flung his weapon towards the goddess, and as he fell she teleported away again. After a single roll, Clief was back up. As he recovered Joy attacked him again, having to teleport three times to avoid his sword before once more landing a blow to his head. Fall, roll, recover.
Expecting her this time, Clief swung his sword towards her; she teleported behind him and immediately had to teleport again to avoid being cut open, and again, and again. Clief was beginning to see the learned patterns in her actions and Joy was thinking too fast to consider changing them, leaving them both to act on instinct, with the Tyen swinging his blade and the goddess teleporting around him. Eventually they were engulfed by a writhing cloud of blue smoke, Clief's sword poking out of it as swung, and soon after the cloud dispersed when a ball of fire broke out of it.
Soon there was no cloud at all, and Clief stood swinging his sword into only air. Slowing to a stop, seeing Joy in the near distance giggling, he couldn't help but to take a deep breath. With the accompanying blue smoke, Joy attacked; Clief swung his sword around himself like before, and the goddess was forced to retreat, this time with more cut wounds to accompany the burn. Clearly wounded, she still stood with a large grin and laughed.
This time Clief attacked, charging forwards; she would teleport and he would act as he had, he just needed to remain calm. She didn't move, didn't try to, and when Clief reached her he swung his weapon down into her shoulder. She didn't flinch... and she didn't teleport. There was a puff of blue smoke but she remained where she stood, with Clief's sword buried a few inches into her shoulder. The smoke cleared to reveal that Joy had departed. In her place was a darker, older looking woman with long, dark hair and a punk style. Clief pulled free his sword and tried to retreat, having quickly learnt not to underestimate these women, but before he could gain enough ground he was kicked in the chest by her heavy boots. He flew like a rag-doll fired from a cannon, unable to fully withstand Hatred's strength, and the wall into which he crashed was just about able to keep itself from collapsing when he hit it.
"Sorry," Hatred insincerely sneered, looking into the distance. Clief was just able to stand, after a lot of stumbling and failed attempts. "They said not to kill you. I tried." Hatred cracked her knuckles as she walked off towards where she had been staring. Clief didn't need to look, he could feel it; after Joy had teleported him away, Duegan had returned. A flicker of a smile crossed over Hatred's face as she approached him.
I had a dream I could buy my way to heaven,
When I awoke I spent that on a necklace.
Oct 1, 11 at 3:49pm ^re: Tiger of Wu vs. Clief (Self-Destructive Tendencies)
Clief was coughing up blood as he watched Emote walk away from him. The battle they had was effectively over after a simple kick. He tried to get to his feet, stumbling forwards and falling over in the process. He couldn't understand how this form could be so perfectly refined for combat. But that thought soon dissipated as he could feel Duegan's presence get closer. Looking up he could see the dragon, approaching at top speed. The goddess had stopped walking at this point, eagerly awaiting her next opponent.
If I can just heal myself even a little bit I may able to do something, or at least hold out until her next transformation. They seem to happen at random times though so it could be a while. Please hold out just a few minutes my friend.
Clief lay on the ground now, focusing his energy just above him as he attempted to heal his whole body at once. The technique was rarely used due to the amount of energy it consumed and the time it took to perform, but what choice was left for him.
Duegan was fast approaching Emote now as he took a deep breath. Once he was within range he exhaled a fire ball at her. She of course easily dodged the attack, something so large and easy to predict being child’s play for her. She watched as he continued to approach her, grinning whilst doing so. The dragon then flew off course and ascending slightly, beginning to circle her.
“What are you up to lizard?” She wondered aloud.
Duegan began to pick up speed now, creating a whirl wind around her in the process. Grinning even more the goddess began to get excited wondering what the beast was up too. He eventually broke out of his pattern once he had created a semi tornado, flying to the side of it. Emote still in the middle, completely unaffected by what was going on around her. Duegan then let out a roar of fire, watching it become engulfed by the winds, descending down towards the punk dressed female. She could feel the heat descending, the grin still on her face as she merely jumped out of the surrounding winds, just in time to avoid being burnt.
“I like explosive things, maybe it's time I make you do the same,” she threatened.
It was clear she was now finished playing her games. Duegan let out another roar of fire at her before making his way to a more ground level. Again she was able to escape the flames, but not without receiving a tail to the face. The force of the hit sending her flying back in much the same way she had done to Clief not long ago. After landing on the ground she was immediately able to get to her feet however, clearly much more durable than the Tyen.
Once on her feet though she vanished from sight. Trying to protect himself first before figuring out where she went, Duegan took to the skies once more before being greeted with a kick to the ribs. Emote bounced off of him fairly quickly, but not without a loud roar from the dragon, who was now headed for solid ground. He crashed heavily into the ground, causing it to shake and probably causing the nearest explosion of lava from the ground. Emote had landed quite hard on her back also, not expecting the diamond armour of the dragon to be so tough, but again able to get to her feet with relative ease. The dragon however was not easily making it back to his. The kick had probably caused some internal bleeding, much to the shock of him. He was snarling at Emote as she made her way over to him. She was going to end his existence in this plane of worlds. As she approached him she was hit in the shoulder with the large gash in it. Clief obviously had other plans for Duegan as he brought him back into his sword.
“Thought you were dead world wrecker!” she spoke coldly towards Clief.
“I'm done with the games! Tell me what you know of Loabin now, or pay the consequences!” the Tyen demanded.
Emote couldn't help but laugh out loud after hearing that. Clief was in no shape to be making any demands let alone threaten her. “Bring it!” she said.
Clief held his sword, ready to attack this time. He just needed to stay composed, if he could do that then he was in with a chance. He charged in to attack, hoping to catch her off guard. He swung his sword in to hit her already injured shoulder, but she simply side stepped the attack, countering with a right hook. Expecting this though Clief ducked and spun around with his leg out, tripping the goddess over. Still mid spin Clief raised up to his feet and brought down the extended leg to Emotes shoulder. She writhed in a little pain before grabbing his leg and flinging him up.
What the hell!? She was laying down and she has that kind of strength!?
Landing on his feet he looked up to the sight of a fist meeting his chin. She had gone with the upper cut, causing Clief to flip through the air and land on his back unconscious.
“Disappointing to think you gave the others trouble,” she said, spitting at the ground and walking off.
“Clief.....wake up..” Duegan struggled to say.
Clief was inside his mind now, the surroundings an open field surrounded by a forest, much like his home village. Opening his eyes to see a very battle worn Duegan above him, he sat up.
“This is....my mind?” he questioned.
“Correct. Now we don't have much time, think back to when you were younger. Specifically the time the Elder put you under a spell to meet me,” Duegan commanded.
“That's not something I can forget. That was last thing I remember of home,” Clief replied a little disheartened.
“Well, think about out experience at that time. You accepted me fully, without a second thought, remember?” the dragon asked.
“Yes, but what does that have anything to do with out current predicament. That goddess is too powerful! We need a way to beat her.” he replied.
“I'm getting to that. Do you remember the same power that I felt once you accepted me?”
“I think so. In fact, I think we had become sort of one..? Like our emotions and everything. I remember feeling a surge of power, but that was it.”
“That's exactly what I felt too. I think there is something to that. Maybe if we do that again something will come of it?”
Clief stood up and looked at the dragon. This was clearly a last bid effort by him. Clief did trust him though, and as far he could tell Duegan didn't actually know what would happen any more than he did. They were both outclassed in every way against that form of the goddess, and any power increase would give give them a better chance at survival.
“Alright, I trust you. Should we do this in the same manner as last time then?” Clief asked.
Duegan slightly nodded, clearly in pain with each movement. Clief walked up to him and placed his hand on his snout, felling his breath on his body. He timed his breathing to the dragon's and closed his eyes. Both of them began to calm down and mimic each other.
Emote was still in the process of walking away from the Tyen, as he began to emit a blue light in much the same way as his sword did as he summoned Duegan. The goddess turned around to a blinding light and she shielded her eyes from it. All she could do was wait until the light dissipated. After it had done so, Emote opened her eyes to a sight she had not been expecting. Clief had effectively transformed into something that could be described as a fusion with his dragon counter part. He still had his spiky hair and Tyen like eyes, but everything had changed. He had lost his shirt, with his torso now covered in diamond scales. The bottom of his pants had been shredded and his feet had been replaced by human sized dragon talons. His arms and hands remained the same, holding the crystal sword in his right. The biggest difference though, were the wings sprouting out of his shoulder blades; he was also emitting a light blue aura.
“Just cant stay down can you? Well, at least your making it fun.” Emote grinned.
Clief remained emotionless, only breaking his current facial stare to attack. His speed had increased, catching the goddess slightly off guard as he closed in fast. He swung his sword at the injured shoulder of hers, again avoiding it with a sidestep. Countering it with another right hook Clief merely stepped backwards this time. Spinning on his back foot he attempted a roundhouse kick. Emote caught his leg, pulling back his arm about to punch it. Clief jumped at the same time, spinning around and kicking the side of the goddess's face as her fist hit Clief's leg. Clief smashed into the ground instantly and Emote spun in the air, landing in the same fashion. The punk dressed girl was quick to her feet, ready for another stalemate. The Tyen however was not so fast, probably with a cracked leg. He needed some time to heal it, even a little. He made it back to his feet, trying to ignore the pain. He readied himself for the next attack when Emote suddenly changed forms again. Standing before her was now a slightly black woman dressed in a gothic like dress.
|Tiger of Wu||
Dec 1, 11 at 10:44pm ^re: Tiger of Wu vs. Clief (Self-Destructive Tendencies)
And within the same second, she disappeared.
A jolt of white energy seemed to flash into existence out of the ether, hitting Clief in the chest. Smoke rose as sludge-remnants from the energy blast tried to burn through his new-found scales, but it did nothing to harm him. Scowling as he looked down at the impact marks, Clief stepped forward and swung his blade; it hit nothing, and as he put pressure on his damaged leg the Tyen fell to the ground. He rolled so as to not be an immobile target, then his wings started beating and he took to the sky.
As Clief flew he held his sword over his broken leg and it soon became covered in blue energy. His glowing eyes darted from path to path and building to building of the small town beneath him. He listened out intently for the first sign of sound, his leg healing as he did. The woman was breathing, heavily, but the Tyen couldn't pin-point where exactly. His beating wings and the sound of his leg cracking back into place made too much noise; in his current state he could faintly hear the goddess, but he couldn't be sure where she was. Face remaining emotionless throughout, he scoured the ground.
To the left,
To the right,
Where did she go?
Before long the wounded leg had healed and, slowly, Clief descended. Upon landing he listened intently, the heavy breathing of the woman now clearer. Up ahead. Slowly, very quietly, the Tyen walked forward. He took each step like a tiger hunting its prey, slow and precise. To the right. His eyes followed the sound, face completely still and blade glowing in hand. Further ahead. Soon he came to a building, and the woman's breaths echoed within. In the corner. Clief slowly entered the building, the first door already open, his talon-steps soundless. There. A ball of white energy burst from the corner of the room and, before it could hit the target's face, the Tyen raised a hand swatted it away as if it were a paper ball. His blade whistled as he swung it, and a crescent of blue energy flew towards the corner from which the ball came; it practically destroyed the two walls which connected it, and the building came down atop Clief.
Fear had just managed to escape the building, though the explosive impact of the crescent strike still threw her a great distance. As she stood, blood seeping from her nose, she heard the sound of another explosion and turned to see Clief emerge from the debris which had buried him. He didn't look any worse off than he previously had, and out in the open he could hear Fear's heavy breaths and whimpering very clearly. She ran as he fired another crescent of energy in her direction.
Fear screamed as the projectile exploded behind her, destroying a large section of the building it hit. Another flew towards her and struck behind her as she ran, this one close enough that the explosion threw her again. A third came at her as she was on the ground, still screaming, and she quickly scurried into the building at her side. The crescent exploded against the wall, again throwing Emote and taking down a large part of the building as it hit; ironically, the explosion which threw Emote to the other side of the building also saved her from being crushed by the falling ceiling. As the building came down, Fear escaped through a back window.
And again Clief stood, intently listening for his enemy. This time he didn't step lightly, nor did he stalk, but he beat his wings and took to the air. The Tyen followed the direction the goddess had headed, unleashing fireballs and energy strikes; each time one hit the ground his enemy would scream, leading him closer to her. He launched another fireball, but as it exploded Clief heard no scream. He hovered statically and listened, and there was no longer the heavy breathing or whimpering of Fear.
"Still don't want to talk this out, huh?" a voice called. Before long the goddess stepped out of a building and onto the open path. "We could settle this without one of us having to die, and I can guarantee that if one of us does it isn't going to be me." Clief looked down upon the woman; pink hair, white dress, dark skin; enemy. He launched another crescent strike, and Love jumped high; as the strike impacted the ground it exploded like before, and sent Emote high into the air, burning and tearing the bottom of her feet. The goddess flipped through the air and landed with a graceful roll, holding her arms out. "Ta-dah!" she exclaimed, studying Clief's face as she did. Love looked down, wiggling her toes and looking at the bottom of her fully healed feet; she looked up to Clief and grinned. No response.
Clief descended, landing hard against the ground but seeming to do it effortlessly. Again he launched an energy strike, and this one was dodged with great ease. "Hey, Clief, Loabin said you were gay!" Love shouted. Clief stared at her blankly. "Your mother was a whore!"
"D-don't m-m-mock him!"
"Stop being a fool. Look at his face; absolutely no emotional response."
"So he can't be reasoned with," Love stated aloud, still looking at Clief's face. "So he can only be subdued." Tilting his head slightly, Clief charged. He beat his wings to add to his momentum and blue energy trailed behind him. Love stood her ground as her foe raised his sword, and at the last moment she fell to her back. In the moment Clief was above her, swinging his blade into only air, she kicked hard into his groin, breaking a bone in her foot. One of his dragon talons slashed into her chest before the Tyen flew on, unable to properly stop himself.
"Even dragons need to protect their ding-ding."
As quick as she had fallen Emote had stood, her broken foot and the gash in her chest healed but the rip in her dress not. Clief was coming straight at her again, sword high.
"This time don't aim for his ding-ding!"
Love hopped to the side of Clief, the side without the sword, as he swung it downwards, and she grabbed his free arm; with two sudden movements and quick strikes, she had broken two bones in his forearm. She dived away before his dragon talons could reach out and slash her. When Love had rolled, stood and turned, she saw that Clief had stopped further on. He held up his broken arm, able to move the shoulder and elbow joints, and his forearm hung with unnatural bumps where the breaks were; he could barely wiggle his fingers. Shrugging, he let his hand fall limply to his side and flexed his sword-wielding arm.
"You broke the wrong one, retard!"
Beating his wings again, he flew at the goddess, sword high. She ducked towards the same way she had went before and then quickly doubled back with a jump; Clief swung towards her and hit only air. Holding his sword arm, Love pulled herself towards his shoulder and onto his back, one leg around his neck and the other around his chest. As she grabbed his head the Tyen's sword went into her stomach, and the blue energy constantly burned through her. It was too painful for her to stay but she was never one to miss an opportunity; Love struck her fingers into pressure points in the Tyen's wrist, and he released the blade as the goddess fell away from him, wings slapping her as she passed them.
She quickly pulled the sword from her stomach, her hands burning as she did, and then she released it in front of her. Clief had moved a fair distance before he could stop himself again, and there seemed to be an ever so slight hint of amusement on his face. Love moved to pick up the sword and as she did it jumped and slashed at her hand. When she pulled back the blade bounced off of a small, exploding mass of blue energy, and swung towards her again. She jumped away as the blade was thrown towards her throat, and then continued to slash at her further at Clief's will.
I had a dream I could buy my way to heaven,
When I awoke I spent that on a necklace.
Jan 22, 12 at 9:50am ^re: Tiger of Wu vs. Clief (Self-Destructive Tendencies)
Clief stood there and watched as his sword was dodged every time it attacked the goddess. She was nimble in this form, but at the same time, she cared not for her body. Even though she was dodging all the attacks, she was still getting cut from the air pressure from the speed at which the sword moved. Clief smiled a wretched smile, showing his fangs to his enemy. He no longer had reason, he was functioning on pure instinct. Beating his wings again he took to the sky, hovering above Emote. Raising his hands he called forth lightning, more powerful and quickly than in his normal state. Three strikes hit her and the sword cut her in half, but she simply healed. There was no killing her by simple methods, it would take a much more drastic measure. Clief had one technique in his array to destroy such a being, and this state was the perfect one to unleash it in.
“You can't kill me, I told you I wouldn't be the one to die today,” Emote said with a smile.
It looked as though she was trying to pierce Clief's heart with that smile, but what was the use of a heart without a brain functioning properly? He looked straight through her, responding with a smile of his own. The goddess stopped smiling at the sight and watched as the Tyen's sword returned to its master. Clief beginning to laugh maniacally as a black energy revealed itself in front of him. Emote looked on in horror, she knew what this was.
“Do you know what you're doing young Tyen? No, of course you don't, you've lost all reason in that form.” said the goddess.
She changed forms again, a familiar to Clief this time and one that made Clief laugh even harder. She was in the form that almost killed him earlier.
“What a lucky change, I get to wipe this Tyen from existence,” Emote began to laugh now.
The energy in front of Clief began to grow and consume him in it. Emote was to have none of it and jumped into the air to stop him. If she could stop his concentration then the technique wouldn't be used.
”What's going on!? Clief!? What are you doing!?” spoke a voice.
Clief emerged from the blackness before Emote could reach him, causing her to stop momentarily. Clief put his hand on his head, as though he was in pain.
”What....What is this?? It can't be...no you can't Clief!!” spoke another voice.
“Wha...goi.....on....?” Clief spoke.
Emote was clearly in no mood for games, beginning her movement towards the Tyen again.
”It's...It's true. He really is destroying us....with....with Monot!!” another voice spoke this time. It sounded familiar to Clief.
He couldn't see Emote in front of him any more, nor the dying planet for that matter. In fact, what he saw before him was something completely different. Something he had come to push into the back of his mind. It was his home, and that last battle, but these weren't memories he could recall. In fact, he didn't remember waking up until in the street, so what was he seeing?
The battlefield slowly disappeared, replaced by blackness. The same blackness that he had just emerged from.
Emote punched the Tyen in the face, causing his jaw to break. The impact sent Clief flying back towards the ground, creating a small crater on impact. Emote landed on the edge of it and began walking towards him.
“I get to kill both the pet and the boy at once now. Thank you for making this a challenge for me and my sisters', but now you die,” she said maliciously.
The dragon scales had absorbed most of the impact, but Clief still felt it. This however didn't impact on him as he rose from the rubble and smiled again. The small part of his conscience that had risen was gone again, submerged beneath pure instinct. He charged at the goddess with speed and swung his sword at her. She blissfully dodged the attack, but didn't see his left wing coming in for a strike. Never had she expected him to use his wings as a weapon as well. This however did not faze her, but gave her an opportunity. Allowing herself to be hit, she caught the wing and broke one of the bones in it, causing it to go limp. It took away Clief's gift of flight, but more importantly, his mobility. He had been his the wings to move faster than normal, but now they were a hindrance now that they didn't work properly.
Clief still smiled though as he looked up at the sky; it was getting blacker. The energy hadn't dissipated like the goddess had hoped. The Tyen began to laugh maniacally again at the site of this. They both knew it meant destruction on a molecular level.
“Fine, I’ll kill you quickly and leave this planet before it envelops me.”
“Please stop it Clief. You're going to destroy us!”
Clief knew this voice; it was Hael's. He could only look at her through the eyes of a memory he did not recognise. She held on to him, begging him to stop what he was doing. They were completely surrounded by blackness; what was he doing that was so bad?
“Please...you have to stop it. You'll destroy us all using it!”
“So you are in there somewhere!?”
“...H...a...e...l...?” Clief spoke again, raising his hand to his head.
Emote had no time for games as she lunged towards him, leaping up and kicking him in the side of the head. Spinning through the air he landed on his back, staring at the blackness in the sky.
“Come to reason have we? It's too late for you! Loabin was right, you are pathetic!” Emote said in disgust.
Jan 22, 12 at 9:41pm ^re: Tiger of Wu vs. Clief (Self-Destructive Tendencies)
I think this is the fourth time I've read some parts of this duel
Tiger of Wu:
Intro Post: I always find these posts difficult to judge for you, since they're more standalone than battle posts and I am a big fan of how you write. So I'll try and come up with some useful thoughts.
Part of me wants to penalise the amount of backstory in this post, but at the same time pretty much all of it is necessary context for Anger's... anger, I guess.
Danog seems to be an incredibly unfortunate man in some respects
The method by which you get Emote to the planet was intriguing to say the least. Love's ressurrection abilities bypass all, I guess!
Battle Post 1: Almost half of this post was more banter than actual battle.
This said, the section after Anger takes over was one I greatly enjoyed. I liked her rising rage at Clief's ability to actually counter her, and her switch into an almost taunting mode. It was so much better than the first part of the post.
Battle Post 2: Joy's fighting style remains as eclectic and confusing as ever Not many people could get away with "extreme hugs" as a valid tactic.
This post was very rapid, barely allowing the reader any time to stop and think, which goes well for Joy.
Battle Post 3: Poor Fear A nice showcase of Clief's abilities though, and the first time the battle has really turned towards him.
Also, that has to be the most spectacular backfire of a crotch shot I've seen in the NDL
This post was a nice change of pace from your previous posts where Emote dominated. Switching from Fear to Love and continuing the trend of Clief having the upper hand really cements the power boost that he's gained, and Love was a good choice for a proper showcase of it.
Also, Joy cracks me up
Intro Post: This was written almost a year ago, and your recent works show an improvement over your general writing style to how you've written here. As it is, a nice piece of motivation to get Clief to the planet, although I think I would have preferred it if he'd gone down the conventional way as opposed to via space-vacuum dragon transport
Battle Post 1: This was a well-choreographed fight, albeit unfortunately sprinkled with grammatical errors.
My only real complaint with this is what happened when Duegan breathed fire on them near the end of the post. Within a sentence and a half Clief went from expecting a fireball to being unable to get away. I think it could have done with a little elaboration; what exactly was Anger doing other than continuing to attack him that specifically prevented him from avoid it?
Battle Post 2: I was wondering how you would be able to make a battle with Hatred realistic considering Tiger's last post, but you managed it by having Clief effectively curbstomped You've been communicating Clief's uncertainty in battle and desperation (if that's the word) in fighting a goddess well so far, and it comes across very strongly here.
Your description of the dragon fusion was great, and I liked the little interlude within unconscious Clief's mind. Good post, although it still suffers a little from grammatical errors. Less than your previous ones, though!
Battle Post 3: Excellent use of the flashbacks within the context of the actual fight, and for actually having Emote take advantage of it and breaking his jaw you get plus points
I don't actually have very much to criticise about this post, other than another sprinkling of grammatical errors that was even less common than in your previous post. It was a good choice to switch back to Hatred, I think, to show them truly fighting on a (fairly) even playing field, too.
Despite Clief's constant exhortations of his imminent loss, I think this was a far closer match than even I was expecting. You're both good writers, with good characters.
However, there's a clear step-up in quality to Clief's posts as he goes through the duel, whereas Tiger maintains a level of quality throughout, even if his first post took longer to get to the actual battle than I might have liked. Because of that, I'm going to vote for Tiger of Wu. I look forward to seeing a rematch in the future though - I don't think it'll be long before this will be a very tricky matchup to call indeed.
Hope that was somewhat useful! I find it's often quite difficult to find things to criticise or remark on in well-written posts like the ones in this duel.
Previewing this post, I have used the laughing smiley far too much for a duel on a dying planet between a Tyen who goes crazy and a Goddess who's 1/3 addicted to battle/pain/war
Jan 25, 12 at 11:08pm ^re: Tiger of Wu vs. Clief (Self-Destructive Tendencies)
Tiger of Wu
First off, Tiger of Wu. Your intro did an intro's job relatively great. It followed a series of explanations and events to reach where the duel was to take place. Which I found was done very well. It was also a very polished post; no typos did I see. It lacked excitement though and spent a lot of time explaining about Emote, with references to other NPCs and other NDL characters. Other than that, I approve.
Now Clief. Like Tiger, your intro post did a great job at setting the intro. The part which cuts past some time was cool. Clief's landing was well described and was easily pictured in my mind. The characterization done here for Clief was also very well done. You could feel a sense of desperation and hopelessness in your character who's got nothing else to lose. However this post was slightly ruined by some typos.
So on one hand we have a descriptive and polished intro with a lot of backstory and on another we have a cool and engaging intro but with some typos. This made the pick a bit hard for me, but...
Tiger, this was a splendid example of a battle post. You dealt with Clief's character very well here. The action was a bit scarce but not low enough to be critical of it, a bit more however would have been better. I have to also applaud you on the good follow up of creating a very good incentive for the fight with a nice set of events and dialogue. The post also seemed polished from what I read.
Clief, you gave us more battle and action. This post started very good but the later I got in the post, the less the quality I came across. The action and fight scenes were getting confusing. Unlike your landing in the intro, the battle parts of this post weren't being pictured in my mind well at all. One moment they're fighting with swords and the in the next Clief is free-falling. It might have helped if you broke up the paragraphs a bit too. One particular paragraph became so hard to follow that it unwilling reminded me of my physics exam! The ending was also kinda lame, pulling a Deus Ex Machina (In my opinion) out for the sake of the duel continuing. Aside from that, you also had typos again which could have been taken care of with a round of proofreading.
Winner: Tiger of Wu
Tiger, the humor at the beginning certainly added flavor to the post and duel. The fight between Joy and Clief was well thought out. It was enjoyable to read but I felt it stretched a bit. Going to another place wasn't satisfying for me. Hatred coming in didn't do much but added some good effect.
Clief, this post improved from the last one. There was a problem here again unfortunately. Your fight scenes just sometimes get hard to picture. Break them up. Too many dodges and kicks and punches and slashes and jumps in too little space, and here I am reading it trying to envision it. Clief going unconscious was a bit random but what happened in the mind was cool itself. After that, the transformation was definitely cool.
I have a problem with both of you here. In both your posts there wasn't much battle going on. Clief had more but it was occasionally incomprehensible. I'd say both of you could have done much better here.
Ah right. The last you both posted. Tiger, the humor you put in was again awesome. Kudos for that. Fear's scene time was a great addition and helped the duel turn away from its one-sidedness. The kick in the groin and all of the fight between Love and Dragon-Clief was well written. The only thing I didn't like about this post was Love's attempt to rationalize with Clief.
Clief, you also did a great job here. The start of the black energy thingy had a lot of suspense. Bringing back Hatred was also a good move and the dialogue was good. The whole post was very good in my eye and lacked just a little something and that was more action. Typos were also very reduced here.
This is gonna be really difficult to decide between the two of you here. But the whole blackness technique Clief used was more exciting for me and highlighted the duel.
Spoiler:Overall, Final Vote
Both of you had a great duel. As for someone who has dueled both of you and your characters in this duel, I'd say good job lads. I used this duel as a base ground for understanding your characters for the duels I had, and it seemed I didn't make a mistake in choosing this.
Generally speaking, I'd say Tiger did a great job here. Your posts were more polished and typos were almost nonexistent. However there was a lack of action at times. Clief you had typos which improved over time. You also IMO need to improve on constructing fight scenes. While I'm sure if you give your fights to a choreographer, it would make a great movie, the way they're written here, they're hard to follow and are a bit bland.
In the end I'd give my vote to Clief in this duel, because from the post to post comparison he won two to one. Tiger was fantastic though and this was extremely close. If I'd be just talking from a general overall view, I would have voted this as a tie, but that's not possible.
Good job to both of you. Cheers, and please excuse if I you felt I gave undeserved criticism anywhere.
Nothing currently available.
Feb 13, 12 at 9:46pm ^re: Tiger of Wu vs. Clief (Self-Destructive Tendencies)
Spoiler:Tiger of Wu
Mmm, so, I really like how you started things off here. I have a bit of a weakness with openings and this feels smooth and gets right into something interesting without delay. And as for what it is itself, I approve. I'd more expect this sort of thing in a Chronicles post admittedly, but I am a fan of character development through duels as well, and as this is an intro post, and it's thus far fairly succinct yet engaging, yeah, good work here. It makes me wonder if we're getting a slightly disguised look into your mind as well, if when you speak of the two deities that made Emote and how originally they were going to have Anger and Hatred's powers the other way around, I wonder if it's based on you having planned things that way once too.
And, well... Carrying on, this is really awesome. There were times, in the past, where the way you handled Emote, her unique nature and what all her sides are like and such, while you were always good at it I sometimes felt you didn't pull off the real, defining moments where a side of her truly shows just how strong and profound her aspect is in her, quite as well as you could have, or wanted to. They were still good, but it was evident to me you were striving for greatness, and sometimes you didn't get all the way though. I would say you have markedly improved, since those times. Anger's actions, killing herself in space, the way you pull off the whole thing, it's brilliantly judged to be shocking, incredible, and amazing, without going so far as to become ridiculous and hit the far-half of the bell-curve towards losing its impact in absurdity. This I can really buy into, and well, you're off to a bloody good start, Clief's gonna have his work cut out here.
I have to admit, in the cosmic order of things, unless she went a lot further than I first originally thought, landing on a different planet is pushing it a tad, but hey, for one you might explain that later, and for two it's a small compromise to make the duel happen, so no big deal.
So yeah, you're going about this all wrong if you want constructive criticism at this point. Honestly Tiger you're smarter than this, I can't very well criticise things if there's no flaws to talk about, now can I? For the whole of your intro post the only thing I can mention is the slight implausibility of Emote ending up on some other planet, given cosmic distances and such. Otherwise I'm afraid you're gonna have to settle for me just loving the Hell outta it so far, and if you don't like that, it's your own fault .
Alright, getting into the first battle post. You certainly don't waste time, and I wouldn't normally have taken Love for an abrupt one, but this setup for conflict sounds promising. I would say this is a bit needlessly confrontational, but, well, you need some way to start a confrontation, so that wouldn't be fair. Credit on making Emote do the sword-impale thing though, it's both awesome, fitting of her specific powers, and avoids putting all the "blame" for what's to come on the other person's character, since it's hardly the most tactful or diplomatic response. Although, hmm, I have to admit, while it's not bad per say, Clief's behaviour, his whole, laying down the ultimatum, I could see him doing that normally, but it feels jarring from the mood he was in at the end of Clief's previous post. Like, either blend it a bit more towards his lack of conviction and low confidence and so on, or put some more into the transition of moods, cus as is it does seem like he just, swaps hats, so to speak, y'know?
First proper criticism on your side of the duel, yay. I'm totally waiting for Emote to say "5 minutes. In just 5 minutes this planet will explode! Then we'll see if you can breathe in space as easily as me, Tyen". You're still playing Clief a bit out of character, and I've got no aversions to "Suddenly fighting!", but you seem to step into it a tad clumsily. "She ran at Clief and swung the sword and he raised his own to defend himself" is a bit and-tastic - maybe you meant to make the second and an as. Andanas, that sounds like a place or a female wizard, hm. But blows are being exchanged, to battle!
Hmm, you seem to have lost your finesse a little here. The way you describe that, if Clief had been blocking only one weapon, he would have been fine, but two was too much, is fairly clearly said, but both done in a dry somewhat energy-less way, and also questionable in the base logic. Surely one could swing one weapon with as much force as two if they gripped the one with both hands, if the strength's origin is the arm muscles? I suppose maybe, like, these red energy weapons lend their own force somehow, but, well, mainly it felt too dry, too Wikipedia. Something like "He resisted the first weapon, but the combined strength of both overpowered him, driving him back". I also note a slight lack of comma use, although so far it's minimal enough to excuse under variety of taste. But you seem to be leaning too far into diagram-like breaking down of actions here, being very clear but sapping the dynamic action-packed energy of what's going on in the process. Just the pace and phrasing that you use in "When he had turned fully he struck Anger's weapons and she was forced to step back herself" sounds so, so like reading bullet-point instructions almost. Put a little more zest and oomph into it, like "Clief spun full circle, building inertia and smashing his blade against Anger's weapons. She staggered back unprepared, startled by the strength the Tyen displayed". Just off the top of my head like, you can do better.
So we proceed with the action. Anger hardly needs much reason to get into a fight and Clief has plenty enough, so that's fine. So the action continues, and while I do advocate not stuttering action out with too many commas when it's meant to be fast-paced, I feel you needed more here, or to phrase and structure the words differently to convey the pace, cus right now it just looks rushed, where I'm at. I keep seeing excess of detail, "In a fluid motion Emote dropped the sword she held and allowed it to be absorbed into the rod whereupon the fused weapons extended into a spear" may have been a fluid motion but it is not a fluid sentence. Things like "allowed it to" have nothing to add at all and just weigh it down. "Emote brought the sword and staff together, fusing them fluidly into a spear" or some such would suit the words to the action, so to speak. And again, this entire sentence: "She stabbed it at her foe who batted it away with his sword held by one hand, then she stabbed towards his face and he managed to parry the weapon upwards", it's so dry. "She did this and he did this, then she did this and he did this", it's literally that, and it could be mixed up so many ways. "She stabbed at his stomach and the Tyen's sword batted it aside, Emote following through by swinging the opposite end round at his head, Clief barely ducking under the crimson beam" that would flow better if I knew a better term for the non-pointy end of a spear, the base or something, but I hope I get my point across. It feels so staggered the way it is, it's not flowing together, it's nigh stop-motion in its written stiffness.
But this is all in comparison to what I believe you capable of, so it's still good, just, not really kick-ass awesome, so far. Let's continue, maybe you'll find your stride. "Without a mind for tactics Anger rushed forwards again" was a good example of a tighter, less jarring allusion to the logic and personalities behind the actions taking place, good job there. You're starting to get into it now, Clief's fireball was delivered with more fluidity, style and impact, I can't help feeling you're OPing him a bit to have him one-handedly parry Anger's blows like he is, but of all the things to get wrong in a duel, making your opponent's character look a bit too awesome's gotta be one of the most forgivable. Carrying on, things are getting better; the drop of sweat sliding down her breast? Fittingly alluring without being too blunt about it, however "a long, red tail appeared above her buttocks"? That was gratuitous . I know she's sexy but you were kind of attention-whoring for notice of it there. Saying it came from the base of her spine would have worked just as fine and not look so needy. I'm guilty of trying to over-sell how cute Crysis and Zone are and try to work it into appropriate "cute moments" or a general sense of it being part of their nature without neon-signing it, but that was "STRIP CLUB" in big red letters sir. You could've done better, foreplay, come on, it's sexier if you get a peek down their top rather than ripping it off with no build-up, you know this.
Okay, I scrolled up to check this was a 3 battle post duel, and I'm gonna have to call foul on you bringing out Duegan at the end there, to be honest. I'm not against having you and your opponent, or heck even just your opponent raise the stakes in one of your own posts, but this is THE first battle post, for cripes sakes. What's he got left in reserve now? I think he can fuse with Deugan, if my memory of Clief's profile serves me well, have I missed on him picking up some other ace up the sleeve ability somewhere? I know you're not a poor sport and wouldn't do it intentionally, but I think it was slightly bad form to bust it out his dragon on the first battle post of the duel, when he has 3 more to get through. That'd be like if, in his next post, he kicked the crap outta all 6 forms of Emote individually and left you with little to nothing left to pull out new for the 2 battle posts you still had to write. So yeah, a fumble there, gotta be honest, but aside from that, the end of your post was awesome, if this had been battle post 3, or even 2, would've rocked without any caveat to the fact. Start was great too, the middle was just clunky, so a step down from your intro, but still mostly good, I would say.
I just realised some of these posts are months old. I hope my advice isn't too date, hehehe. Anyway, battle post 2, let's get on with it.
Hahaha, Joy gets cut off from swearing. Well you're handling the ball Clief threw you with the form change very well so far. I think you had Clief catch on a little fast, with the whole "sisters" thing, but anyways, this is going well. It's a sudden change of mood, and that works here because duh, it's Emote. The internal conversation was well-handled, I generally like those, and ooh, Joy pulled a Jumper on Duegan, hahaha, sneaky. This is definitely picking up a lot, I think in the months since your last post you either improved or were just in a better-focused state on the day of writing, cus you've got a solid hold on what I was talking about earlier. This action is much less bloated and clunky and stiff, and not confusing or rushed and really awesome. Pulling the "camera" back so we only see the cloud of teleportation smoke, while almost comical as a cartoonish fight cloud sort of thing, was also cool, especially with the fireball blowing it away from inside, very cool. It feels a tad rushed to switch Hatred in quite so soon, like you're determined to use all 6 forms and have to keep the rotation up, but then again it is a good way to crank up the ante, and bringing Duegan back into the mix again after Joy found a very convincing way to take him out of the picture for a bit, I have to say, this was bloody good. I can scarcely criticise this post much at all, you're back on form and while it wasn't mind-blowing Hells yeah awesome, it was damn good and made full effective use of what was going on, namely Joy getting a turn, and had a good ending.
Alright, things are tight, final battle posts time. We're starting off with Fear, who does invisibility, right? I think that's her and Sorrow is forcefields, guess I'll find out. Was the part in italics and small font alternatingly meant to feel like a child's rhyme? Cus that's the vibe I got, when I first glanced at it I thought it was Joy teleporting about and doing a silly sing-song . I didn't know Fear could shoot white energy though, huh, I need to brush up on her profile at some point. I guess it beats a crossbow. This running and chasing thing, you're not getting like, really hardcore into the predator and prey atmosphere, which is one thing that could've made this part hold up as tense and self-justifying, and Fear having just escaped out a window, at about this point I'd say the basic facts of what's going on is getting a little drawn out, without really drawing out the potential atmosphere of the moment. I'll give some leeway, mind, since Clief did hand Fear to you, and jumping back out of her in like two paragraphs would seem a bit cheap, so you're working with what you were given I suppose. So I read on and... Oh hey, you swap forms just after it got a bit repetitive. I would have done it like, a couple sentences earlier, but small change. Let's see this one out.
Hahaha, Love is being quite mean, isn't she? And, oh lawd, really now Tiger? A kick in the groin? You know no one seems to realise that works about as well on girls as guys, at least you put a funny spin on it with the dragon-scale crotch-cup line. This is actually quite funny, I'm enjoying it. Maybe there's some subtext here, Love aiming for a male's "ding-ding" (God what a word) . Well that was a good post, I'll say. I think the second was a shade better, based pretty much on what happened, although this was well-themed to which forms were present, but I dunno what to say, Joy was just cooler than Fear this time around, and you didn't really get ino the feeling of being afraid as strongly as you conveyed the emotions of her other forms (except Love, who was not loving but was cool in her own way), so yeah, still good, and a neat twist to end the post with your own character on the back foot. Just like, given it was your last post for the competitive portion of the duel, I wish you'd done something cool to cap it off on your side, even if not cap it off completely since Clief still had a post to go. Love fought damn well, but the lack of a money shot, so to speak, is a bit of a shame, and Fear's section was... It was good but not great, I have to admit I was more hoping it wouldn't drag out too long than looking forwards to seeing more of it. So yeah, not quite as good as your intro post or second battle post, better than your first one, pretty damned good overall.
So, what's left to say? Well, you're still damned good, I see. Your intro post, second battle post, and third battle post, were all damn good, I think your intro was your best part but it's a tight run with your second battle post. Even your first had a great start and end, you just dropped the ball on the middle, and the third was a pretty good piece of work, Fear kind of added nothing but detracted little, and Clief handed her to you so you coped well, and Love did solidly, it just lacked something big and awesome to really bow out on. All in all, I am not a supporter of formulaic approaches to writing, but I feel you did summon Duegan a bit prematurely, like especially given you had lapses in the action later, it's not like there weren't any forms of Emote that could make for a fun fight without him there. On the plus side the way Joy dealt with him was very convincing, and it kinda evened out how much time he spent in the battle, even if it's a bit odd to have something like that appear then go away then appear again, but hey, who am I to criticise odd? Really, you just weren't on-form for much of battle post one, and made 1 or 2 kind of wobbly decisions, like having nothing particularly epic in your last battle post, despite clearly being capable of it. But really, whatever had you off your game in battle post 1, setting that aside you leave not a lot of room for criticism. A few sentences here and there could be improved with a little spit-polish, but like any of us ever manage a post so perfect we can't think of one tiny improvement when we look at it later on. So yeah, just, whatever happened back this time last year, try not to write duel posts during it, and great job.
Alright, I have been dying to read this. Tiger is a damn good writer, and you're no slouch yourself, but for you to have taken the engaging style and character you use to a level that I'm making a deciding vote against him here? I'm buying a ticket .
Hehehe, Darwin. Mmm, okay, I do spot one very small mistake off the bat, which is to do with sentence-starting/ending. "Turning left down an alleyway and stopping in front of a small store" is an incomplete sentence by itself; the use of "turning" in the present tense begs for a link to some other activity, as stories are classically told in past tense. When you use present tense in most writing (unless you decide to use an unconventional lots of present tense style), it's done to indicate it's happening at the same time as something else, and the "something else" will be done in the traditional past tense most things are. As an example, "Gasping for breath, he ran as fast as he could", gasping is present tense, ran is past tense, together it indicates that he ran as fast as he could, told in the past tense stories usually are, and at the same time was gasping for breath. If you said "Gasping for breath, running as fast as he can", it sounds incomplete, it leaves one wanting for a past tense anchor to tie it to, something he was doing while also doing that. It can come before or after, "He rushed towards the exit, gasping for breath, running as fast as he can", or "Gasping for breath, running as fast as he can, he rushed towards the exit", but something, you follow? Please don't misunderstand, there are entirely legitimate styles of writing that use present tense fragments, but if you're not trying to do that intentionally, which I don't think you were here, then it's entirely up to luck how well it works, since you're not aware of it and using your judgement to fit it in effectively. If you turn the full stop before "Turning" or after "store" into a comma, it works, without any other changes, as it provides a past tense anchor. It's a small point and just one sentence, and for all I know you know all this and it was an editing mistake, but I strive to be helpful and who knows how many more bones like these you'll throw me in the way of constructive criticism I can give, so I'm gonna get what I can while I can .
Okay, moving on. Another small note, but sighs are like really, badly overused gestures in non-professional writing. Like on par with using laughter to convey someone as evil, to the point villains spend their time laughing so much it just gets silly. Now you using one sigh does not make you that bad or close, but some people have a really frayed, low tolerance for them, kinda like how racism used to be about slaves and physical abuse and because of that now some people might kick the crap out of you for just saying one word even though the word doesn't actually do much harm at all. So ration your sighs judiciously, okay?
Ahem, said I was moving on . So doing so, there are a few minor, only minor, slips of grammar or phrasing in places. In "Clief began walking towards the desk but stopping suddenly when the door shut behind him. Now feeling even more uncomfortable he just stood there, staring at the man in the chair." it should be "stopped suddenly", as the best option, or turning the but into an and, or into a comma and tucking it up against the previous word. Also, suddenly is another overused word. It's a bit ironically, but suddenly can make things less sudden. Suddenly warns people that something sudden is about to happen, while removing that warning can make the thing itself sharper and more abrupt, and more sudden. It may leave your readers trying to catch up for a second, but if you want to convey the surprise of a sudden thing happening, that is what you're after. "Clief started walking towards the desk, jerking to a halt as the door slammed shut behind him. Now feeling even more uncomfortable, he just stood there, staring at the man in the chair" demonstrates this (I hope) - it's sharper, more sudden, and shows the unease and tension and jumpiness that Clief himself is feeling, which connects reader to character and conveys mood as well as factual information. Also, in that example, I inserted a comma in the second sentence, after "uncomfortable". I'm kind of a maverick, with commas, I don't follow rigid grammatical rules with them. Rather, I feel commas should be used or left out to represent the pace things are meant to flow at, rather than merely at a uniform rate in all writing. Sometimes you want to leave them out because things are moving quickly and flowing together and there is not that pause and steadiness to easily section events up and take them in individually. Other times, and I think your piece here is one of them, personally, there is that time to stop, separate, analyse, to take things at a steadier pace. Right now, Clief is moving slowly, feeling tense, individual actions stand out, there's pauses caused by uncertainty and hesitation and trying to figure stuff out. So I'd use a comma there, as some personal advice. Not because of a grammar rule or anything so formal, but rather because it suits the pace and flow.
Also, you're is the contraction of you are, your is when something is yours - "You're aware your post used your when it meant you're, yes?".
I'm being awfully critical aren't I ? This is basically good stuff, don't get me wrong, it just has a lot of small mistakes, which being small, don't impact the quality much, but I'm sort of going into each one with a lot of detail, because well, I do that, it's just one way I try to be helpful, and stuff. Pressing on though, in this so far decently enjoyable post, I think one of your greatest current struggles as a writer is you seem in a hurry to present the information you want to get across. You kind of load it all up in a bucket and toss it out in bulk, rather than putting more elegance and finesse into the delivery. I can demonstrate this in the next part.
quoteNow, there is nothing wrong with what you've said, but all sorts of missed potential in how you said it. First of all, the first and second parts of what the man says are completely distinct items of information, and really you should make a full stop out of that first comma. You don't even need to capitalise the word that follows, it's an I! Hehehe, but I think you worry a bit - and this is all pure speculation on my part - that, due to some lack of confidence in yourself or your writing, you feel you have to hurry up and say what you have to say quickly and hurry on or people will grow bored of your writing, or something. You just sometimes have that rushed sort of vibe of someone who has to say something but is nervous people will grow tired of listening to you before you're done saying it. If that's so, you should relax, a little. Look at me, I blather on like a damn loon and I can still win duels. It's no better to go to the far opposite extreme, some people just, go on and on and love the sound of their own voice/words, and hey if you do that's fine, good on you, but for the rest of us, it's not always so much fun. Total heat and total cold are equally undesirable to the human body, and so to are rambling forever and rushing through things undesirable to the human mind. There's a range of comfortable middle-ground you can find your own comfiest spot in, but right now I think you're too leaned towards hurrying through things. You can slow down a little, here:
quoteNow, you'll realise this is actually shorter than the original. That is because the intent is to space out the other information present in the original, rather than cram it all in at once. You don't need to trip over yourself in a hurry to convey the fact there's a man who is saying these things, and he is saying them to Clief. And I would make it "the" man, unless you have multiple men, in which case, "one of the men" will do the same, but "the" sounds pertinent, it sounds related to what is currently happening. Just "a man" sounds like it's talking about just, any man, anywhere, maybe even a hypothetical man that doesn't really exist, like "What can a man do for himself in a time like this?", you know? That's not always the case, you can write something like "a man jumped through the window", because even though it's a man, it's the window, or "a man jumped through one of the windows", the "the" anchors it to the current scene, and since we know the window is present, our minds can automatically make the logical connection that the man currently jumping through it is also present, without stumbling and losing our mental image of what is happening. "A man jumped through a window" sounds like the start of a joke. But that's enough about a/the man. The point is right now, you have a rush of information spilled out as if afraid people won't hear you out if you don't say it as fast as possible. With a little more confidence, a little more composure, your quality of writing can improve the same way you can get a date with a girl more often when you can ask her without stuttering so much you sound like a DJ on a sugar rush wiki'ing a record. A better way to present the information here would be to have the sentence, or sentences, spoken, followed by a simple "the man said" to attach them to a speaker. Then, either in a following sentence, or following paragraph, you can have a sentence begin with, or be in its entirety, "Clief nodded". This lets people quickly and naturally grasp that the man was talking to Clief, while avoiding heaping information together, and it's very flexible as well.
quoteYou follow? We like your writing, we really do, we're not in a big hurry to get to the end of it. Do you think if I was I could or would go on at this kind of length about it? No I'd say as little as would be possible to get away with in-between replacing barf bags. Take, your time. What you have to say, we wanna read, Clief's a popular and well-liked character, and you should never confine yourself to any one style or pace or anything all the time until the day you die, but on the whole, slow down a bit and let the various things you have to say have room to be appreciated, don't cluster them together like one of those for sale ads. Because, really, which looks better to you:
Anyways, moving on. It seems a little strange that this crew person is begging Clief not to go, I mean, warnings maybe, but pleas? Did I miss the part where these two got attached to one another? Also, saying "pulling gravity" was a bit awkward, I mean, it's the only kind of gravity there is, the other kind is called anti-gravity, so the specification of pulling is kinda redundant. Luls, there's a really high count of small problems here, and I feel bad cus all I'm doing is going on about them, when honestly aside from this the post is good. You've gotten to the point and the cool stuff like magical dragons in outer space nice and promptly, it's solid. Maybe I should cut back on how much I'm going into every tiny flaw I come across.
Duegan is awesome, and using a dragon, who one would expect to have good heat-resistance, to perform re-entry on an alien planet, is also awesome. I think saying the heat would make Clief "pass out" is a tiny bit of a short-sell on the dangers of this kind of activity, roasted alive seems more the main hazard here. You're missing a word here and there, a "he" or a "the", so again I have to say try and calm down a little bit, or maybe don't calm down if your best stuff comes from the excitement, but do a proof or ask Ulti or someone to after you've finished the draft. Also, I think it would have been both pretty cool and pretty fitting if Clief had visibly taken a bit of time to recover from being a complete badass and jumping into a vacuum then re-entering a planet's atmosphere in casual-wear, so even a couple of sentences of him recovering from the ordeal would have both underlined how awesome it was more significantly, and shown that Clief feels pain and tries hard and generally things that help the reader empathise with the struggle of his plight. That woulda rocked.
And, now, see? It's towards the end of the post, but you suddenly go and find your stride. Clief reflecting on his purpose for being there and showing the humility, the honesty, and the lack of confidence to admit he was on a losing streak, to be down because of it and to even wonder if maybe if this was where he would die, and how good a place it might be for that... Instantly and so effectively, he feels real - just like that, you hit the spot, even if it was a tad rushed in the phrasing, you didn't drag it out into some emo-festastic "woe is me!" pity party. It was just an honest expression of the doubts and pains affecting him from real, understandable circumstances and thoughts. I approve, bravo sir, bravo. In so few words you really show something deep and insightful into Clief's mind and feelings and situation, for him to feel this way, yet still come here. Some mix of bravery, some kind of defiance, and perhaps a sort of hopelessness, a feeling that, as dire as this option is, it's the best he has. This is what I have been waiting for. The last little bit of the intro, still missing the odd comma here and there, but while I'd say at this point Tiger's in the lead, it's early days and you've shown you've got a fight in you.
Alright, to your first battle post. As I said to Tiger I think him bringing Duegan into things this soon was premature, but I guess now what remains to see is how you handle things. And... I'm starting to see why this has gone to a split vote now. That first paragraph? It was just, all win. It didn't drag on (Zone: Ha!), nor was it rushed, and it was entirely pertinent and appropriate to the situation, to Clief's feelings, and rationalised and handled Tiger's actions last post with your character brilliantly. Bravo, just, bloody bravo dude.
Seriously, especially the taking off of the coat, the way you phrased it and all, "as requested", and using the sheathe of his sword like a kind of coat stand. I'm gonna have to trope that for bad-assery later.
... Actually, I'm gonna do that before I even post this vote, I think.
This is looking a lot better. There's still the odd small mistake, like "lets" should be "let's", since it's a contraction of "let us", and there's no apostrophe in "answers" either, but these are really falling by the wayside to a marked improvement in pacing, delivery and just, quality. "Everything to gain an advantage was necessary" is a great example of a tight, compact sentence, as well as conveying the rationale behind actions without it being detrimental to the pace of the action you've set, which Tiger was struggling with most of his first battle post. You are closing the gap here fast sir. "cutting her side slightly" was a bit of a weak phrasing for the intensity of the moment, "barely clipping her side but drawing blood" or similar would have kept the mood. Phrasing and mood are important, just like there's a world of difference between "A voluptuous chest" and "A great pair of tits", even though they're fundamentally saying more or less the same thing, "cutting her slightly" sounds too timid for the epic level of high-speed vortex-creating dragon-propelled combat you are now engaged in, ya know? I also have to admit I'm not sure how Clief managed to ascend after delivering the blow. Like, seriously, did he kick off the ground, did the vortex around him endow him with limited flight? Bit of a fridge moment there, but anyway, minor thing.
"Clief smirked to himself, quite proud at what he had accomplished already; but this was no time to get ahead of himself, he needed his full attention on the task at hand" was a biiit over-extended, you could have cut off the last third without really losing anything, we already infer he needs to focus on the task at hand since he needs to not get ahead of himself. The fireball decoy to get behind her trick was pretty clever, and a good example of teamwork between Clief and Duegan, if again a little drawn out in the lead-up. You're kind of falling into over-explaining things, like Tiger did in his first post as well. "This continued for a few strikes, back and forth, each hit keeping Clief airborne" this is awesome, but, uh, he was airborne the whole time? It was a bit unclear, I thought he landed behind Emote while she blocked Duegan's fireball. Maybe try to cover such details when characters move around a lot. Simplt making it "standing/falling behind Emote", an extra word, would do the trick. And a random note, you keep flying down at her, and I swear you haven't used the word descending yet. That's an awesome word, you should use it somewhere.
Teehee, Clief keeps going down on Emote.
Ahem... Right. So Clief backs off, somehow, still hoping for a little explanation of how some of his off-the-ground control of his movement is working. "but not without a reason" was another part you could get rid of completely and lose nothing. What follows right after combined with the established teamwork of Clief and Duegan makes it clear well enough why he did what he did. The tail whip after the claw slash was handled well though, kept that one tight and on-point. Carrying on...
"Clief reached the ground without so much as a pounce on the landing" was that meant to be bounce? You coulda just said "Clief landed feet first, easily keeping his balance" or something. And again with the use of "slight", "slight crater" sounds so strange, it's like saying someone is "dying a little" or having a "mild explosion". It's silly.
The over-explaining of things is still happening a bit, I mean, it's not a huge problem, but it's there. like "He was fast to react to it however, moving out of the way with his lightning speed" - you don't need to say he was fast to react to it here, then write him reacting to it fastly. Word says fastly isn't a word, damn. But like, all you do there is slow things down, which is counter to the intent of this being a fast thing that happened. It doesn't feel as bad as what was in Tiger's first battle post, maybe only because it's happening less in the heart of the action and more around it, the before and after, but still it's something to work on, I think I've detailed it enough.
But stop using "however" so often. It's almost as bad as "suddenly".
"As soon as he hit it he flipped back onto his feet, only to meet another attack as soon as his feet touched the ground" is a good example of doing a better job of it. It could be improved on but it doesn't have any needless "suddenly"'s or "however"'s or "then"'s or the like. I suppose you could take out "onto his feet", since it says, like right after, he is attacked "as soon as his feet touched the ground", but it's a lot better, anyway. "Clief quickly darted backwards, not wanting anything to do with her at close range" yet another good example of a fitting, non-long-winded piece of setting mood and conveying character perspective. Some of the stuff between what I'm quoting has more problems, but I mean, look at the size of my vote so far, I don't think I should take to quoting every single sentence I can say anything about. Neoseeker has a post size limit.
quoteThat was good, mixing in more and more good with the not so good, I'm glad this post is picking up and recovering. Let me put this in order here - I admit I don't know how Emote works 100%, but I have to say I didn't think her forms switched out when one was at the height of its patron emotion. Joy appearing when Anger was very angry indeed seems, well, like does she work like that? So, I dunno really, I'm not going to call it a criticism, since I can't say myself, I guess Tiger would have to tell us. Aside from the plausibility of it though, the entire end of the post, from the paragraph before what I put in a quote box, and onwards, just freaking awesome. I think Tiger beat you on intros, and if you had kept the quality shown at the start and finish of this post through it, I'd say you would be level again, maybe even a touch ahead. As is, I think if the duel finished here, my vote would be for Tiger, but it would be a bloody close affair. So you've closed 90% or more of the gap, and had the better battle post one in my view. Kudos.
So, next battle post, and now it's Clief and Duegan versus Hatred. Oh my. Well you're off to a damn fine start, "He couldn't understand how this form could be so perfectly refined for combat" is another really well-penned sentence, short and to the point and full of character, I can't emphasise what a small yet vital difference touches, like this, make, that extra moment to show the character experiencing the battle and being affected by it, and having views and thoughts on it.
Clief's contemplation of Emote's form changes is also spot on. You really took the meteorically strong kick Hatred gave Clief last post and sold it well, this is so much better than just shrugging it off or saying it hurt a lot but in actions hardly seeming slowed down, makes it feel like events matter. Having Duegan and Emote duke it out while Clief is pretty much straight out of commission is just quality writing management, it's fresh and original and an exciting match-up and quite a well-balanced one I'd say, and gives plenty of reason to be enthralled in watching what happens with it by itself even though Clief is off recovering to one side and that's clearly something Duegan is buying time for. Usually when you have a sideshow to sort of, buy time like this, it feels a bit second rate and you kind of know it's not that important and is just stalling and what happens during it doesn't matter much. But some manage to make these time-buying things stand up as worthwhile and kick-ass events all in their own right, and you sir, are pulling it off. There is the odd slip but they've gotten a lot less frequent, and just matter so much less when the basic quality is this high compared to in your intro.
Noting Hatred as "clearly much more durable than the Tyen" was again very deft, had to made the statement any longer or more pronounced it would have felt overdone, but it was perfectly judged here. I will say not all of Hatred's dialogue feels fully fitting to her character and personality - it's not out of character, but some of it has a bit of a generic ring to it, just a tiny bit. "Thought you were dead world wrecker!" was pretty awesome though, that's gotta be like a reference to events of Clief's past she's privy to. Her just being all LOL at Clief then telling him to bring it, also much more fitting of her character. "What the hell!? She was laying down and she has that kind of strength!?" yet another awesome line. I might have made the second "she" a "still", but even so, bitching. Hatred knocking him out cold, and her remark managing to insult him and the rest of the forms of Emote at once? Hahaha, damn you're in the zone.
And the post continues, Hell yes! The whole part inside Clief's mind is really well done. Like there's a typo here, a part where I'd have used an "of" instead of an "at", another "slightly" I'd do away with and so on, but these are really, really minor points in an otherwise awesome segment. Tiger really got back on his game in his own second battle post, and so far I feel you're keeping up with him damn well.
In the last part, I do find myself wishing you'd polished the wording a bit better. "as his sword did as he summoned Duegan" would be a bit better if it was "when he summoned Duegan", there should be an "else" in the middle of "but everything had changed", tiny things like this, on what is otherwise some really sweet writing, I do wish you'd fixed.
So yeah, some missing words in the last part, Emote performs actions, yet you don't actually say she does, you just mention the actions all by themself, like this "He swung his sword at the injured shoulder of hers, again avoiding it with a sidestep". That's a bit of a shame, to be honest, but in review, while the sentence to sentence quality was, on average, a bit higher in Tiger's post, you did more cool, creative things and had better content. If the whole duel was these 2 posts, I would be really annoyed cus I do not know who I'd pick. As it is, you kept up with Tiger, without losing or gaining any ground, despite him getting really with it from battle posts 1 to 2. Had you polished the few faults and missed words and such off, I think you would have made up the small lead he has over you from the first 2 pairs of posts, as well. Right now you're like a 9.6-9.7 to his 10.0, so it's damn close.
And final battle post. Starting off alright, not badly, some good mention of Clief's state of mind and such, but some slightly clunky wording like "from the speed at which the sword moved", you could take out "at which" entirely and it'd be a straight improvement. I think the cutting her in half thing and triple lightning blasts was a bit overdone, it kinda damages suspension of disbelief if you have such a hard time hitting and damaging her, until suddenly she's in her insta-heal form and you have both the power and success to slash and zap her silly. Just a bit of an issue, the slash in half with some decent explanation or the lightning bolts would have been quite sufficient. She's going to end up naked at this rate though since her clothes don't get repaired. The change of form also seemed sudden in comparison to earlier, when it happened to the worst of her advantage right when Clief was in danger, now it seems she can control it and switched on purpose. And now, time for the Final Getsuga Tenshou!
Or not. Still, the hints at his past are pretty awesome, and a few wobbly wording issues aside ("blissfully" doesn't quite fit, are we back to Hatred now?), this is pretty good. But, ah, it ends so soon, so so soon! You kind of build for a big finale, which I'll give due credit for, but compared to your last post this feels so... Short.
So, all in all? Your intro post was pretty shaky for most of it, but did pick up right towards the end. Your first battle post had a few problems, but was far far better, and your second battle post was great. The third one, I feel, while not quite as good as the second, was pretty close, but what hurt it the most was it felt like it ended to soon. Like you just ran out of steam. All in all, you showed some real potential, and had a lot of awesome moments, not joking they numbered highly. You just also had rashes of clumsy or clunky mistakes that came and went, and while sometimes they were no where to be found, and other times they had very little impact on how good things came across, yet others they were too frequent and did damage the quality and enjoyment detectably. I've gone into all of the things I picked up over the course of this monolithic vote, and I don't believe any of them are beyond your grasp to understand, or prevent, so if I have to sum up my advice in a nutshell then it is this: proofread. Do it after you finish your post if doing it during kills your momentum and creativity, do it after saving a Word file and going for a beer if it's something you loathe, but do it or find someone to do it, because the biggest thing holding you back right now with what is, fundamentally, some great writing, is that lack of finishing polish that leaves the core quality smeared with stains of hastiness and rushed delivery. That is my biggest piece of advice with regards to this duel. That aside, but damn you had some cool shit in here, to be frank. Seriously, some really cool ish.
So, the verdict. No pressure, eh? Well, let's have a recap of my views of the duel, and how I felt you each did as it went.
Tiger's intro post was bloody brilliant, and I would argue the best of the lot he made in the duel, while Clief's was troubled and had a lot of problems, none of them severe, but many in number, though it did pick up towards the end. Clief and Tiger's first battle posts both had good starts and ends, with a drop in quality in the middle, but I felt Clief's start was stronger and his middle suffered from less of a drop in quality, so I felt that Clief almost completely made up the lead Tiger had made on him from the intro posts stage of the duel, and was pretty much only tie-breaker distance behind him now. Tiger's second battle post was a lot better than his first, and I felt Clief kept pace with him well, balancing off slightly lower quality of execution in places with bringing in more engaging actual events, and the two cancelled each other in regard to how you two stood compared to each other. Tiger's final duel post wasn't quite as good as his second, but still good, and I can say about the same of Clief's, the most jarring element of which was it just felt like it ended too soon. All in all, Clief started off worse, then caught up almost completely to Tiger, and matched him from then on, which is to say he did as well as him, but he never did the little bit better that he needed to at some point to make up for his early disadvantage in the opening posts. If this duel had consisted only of the intro posts, Tiger would have stomped Clief. Had it consisted only of the first battle posts, Clief would have beaten Tiger. Had it consisted only of the second or third battle posts, or those together, then I honestly cannot call who would have won. But in the end, it consists of all of them, so I must vote for Tiger of Wu. But damn, was it close, for want of some proofing Clief would have won it.
Feb 18, 12 at 8:58am ^re: Tiger of Wu vs. Clief (Self-Destructive Tendencies)
You know what's funny Fyrestorm? I proofread my first 2 posts like crazy. Like i went over them sooo much. However, it was my inexperience i guess that lead me to miss these things, some of which i didn't actually know about. I gotta tell ya i have learnt alot from my writing just from that judging. The funny part though, my last 2 posts i didn't proof read and yet they are more polished pieces and just better piece's of work. Funny how that works isn't it? I do suppose though that this duel perfectly shows just the changes in my writing in a year of being here and how much i have improved.
I HAVE to thank Tiger for this duel, for being so patient with me in my posts, and just giving me the opportunity just to duel you man was a real privilege. I tried and gave it my all and apparently just fell short. I went into this duel, if im honest, not to win (I was hoping) but to see how i faired against one of the forum's top dogs, and it's really could to be told i almost capped you off
The truly funny thing about this duel though, is i though i was beating you at the start of the duel and fell short at the end. I really felt i had you all covered at the start and that you were lacking at the start only to come back with some kick ass stuff and me fall short. To find out that it was the other way around suprised me, although looking at it now i can see it.
Gee, again, i cant say how awesome it was to duel you, i so very much enjoyed writing/reading this duel and i hope to have a re match. I don't care that i lost I got damn close!!
|Tiger of Wu||
Mar 19, 12 at 12:05pm ^re: Tiger of Wu vs. Clief (Self-Destructive Tendencies)
To the judges, two comments about things. The first, buttocks. The sweat on the breast was meant to be alluring, the tail above the buttocks was just meant to be fact and description. Perhaps visually placing it in context to back or spine would have worked better, but I didn't imagine anyone would be so immature as to see the word buttocks and assume it was automatically meant to be sexual in any way.
And then there's Duegan. Clief in himself isn't the strongest character in the verse, and (as we saw) if Hatred were to come out or another form were to actually try to kill him, it would be a short fight. Myself and Clief discussed that fact beforehand, and spoke about how it would inevitably end with Clief in full Dragonforce (his actual ace). I did not bring Duegan out without thinking, nor any malicious reason.
Thank you all for your input and whatnot, and have a drink or slice of cake or whatever.
quote CliefYour life must be very empty and sad if you consider dueling me to be a privilege
I think people give me more credit for my skill than they should. A glance at my record shows I'm not exactly high amongst the 'top dogs', and in my humble opinion the One-Eyed King of the Blind isn't worth much when the others have full use of both eyes. Evidence in this duel. By rights I should have crushed you where you stood (which is what Fyre, Bale etc. would have done (no offence intended; you pick any NDL name out of a hat and nineteen times out of twenty they would do the same, my own included)) yet apparently you were pretty close to besting me.
Perhaps you're better than you imagined. Perhaps this whole idea of myself and a lot of other members being some kind of writing gods is foolishness to be ignored. Most likely both. All that being said though, I am still the greatest thing since Corrishi's ego.
And in fairness, it makes sense for your later pieces to be more polished, in spite of not having as much polishing. There was almost an entire year before them for you to gain experience. Anyway, thanks for the duel, congrats, condolences, and so on.
The sky roared with nature's fury, and the mother's body trembled in her rage. The wind was blowing with incredible force, and as Clief shook within the chaos, cold and hurt, Emote stood perfectly still. Her eyes were glued shut. A hint of a smile touched the sides of her lips.
"It's so... peaceful."
Hatred couldn't disagree. Beneath the screams of the storm and the moans of the ground, the wind whistled with an illusion of calm.
"Luna and Jozak are fighting."
"They are not in this place."
"Shush. Let her believe, for now."
"Will they take us... home?"
Clief coughed, spitting up blood. Emote's eyes opened. "Still here?" she queried. Whatever hint of peace she had acquired instantly dissolved. The Tyen had stood as Emote's eyes were closed; he trembled, and his stance was crooked. He wouldn't heal overnight, if he would heal at all.
"Loabin," he managed to croak. Whatever transformation he had undergone and come back from had taken its toll on his body. "Loabin," he repeated. Hatred stomped the ground as hard as she could, and the trembling planet shook more ferociously. Clief fell.
"If you have gods, make peace with them," the goddess muttered as she walked over to her enemy. She wasn't sure if Clief heard her. She didn't care.
"Loabin," Clief repeated.
"Always with the murder. Gods damn, girl, our time of the month is still a few years away. Yeesh."
"We will not kill him."
Hated stood over Clief's body. He tried to stand again. She kicked him back down.
"He is no longer a threat to us."
"He m-might b-be."
"Then we'll just fight him again!"
"Hurry up, so we can be done with this."
"You're not my boss, bitch. And since leaving him here is a death sentence, you hav-"
Hatred silenced her sisters. Clief lay moaning, clutching his chest. A few ribs previously unharmed were now broken. He tried to speak but found himself unable, and the few times he managed the only word he could choke out was, "Loabin." Hatred knelt next to him and put her hand to his throat.
"Just squeeze. Ignore the others. Kill. Him."
She tightened her grasp. Clief's hands went from his chest to his neck, as he scrambled to rip Hatred's arm away. She ignored his futile attempt and squeezed harder. "All I have to do is make a fist and you will die," she spat. "Your life is literally in the palm of my hand. It belongs to me." The goddess released her grip. Clief inhaled stronger and quicker than he ever had before, instinctively holding his neck in his hands as if it would help in any way. "Never forget that." Hatred noticed Clief's expression as he realised that he had allowed his sword to escape his grip, just as it was stabbed into his stomach. His eyes widened, as if the world somehow made sense again, before Emote's hand tightened around his legs and he was spun, like Olympian's hammer, before he was released.
"Looks like Team Tyen is blasting off again!"
"If he dies, we're calling an exorcist and kicking you out."
"He won't die."
"The sword was his link to Duegan. The dragon will see him to safety."
Hatred grumbled, not sure which she despised more: being merciful or being controlled. Pocketing her hands, the goddess turned and looked at the miniature war of nature which raged before her. Sorrow was right. It wasn't actually their brother and sister, but in some small way Luna and Jozak were in this place. Slowly Hatred took a step forward, and another, and she allowed the chaos to embrace her.
I had a dream I could buy my way to heaven,
When I awoke I spent that on a necklace.
|[All dates in (PST) time]||Threads List « Next Newest Next Oldest »|
|REPLY TO THIS THREAD START NEW THREAD|
Powered by neoforums v3.0.0
Copyright Neo Era Media, Inc. 1999-2016