Rasberyl Vs LillieBeeXD (Finished)

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Right, I'll just dive right in. The first thing to be noted, for both of you, is that some of the spelling and grammar mistakes are atrocious. Whilst I personally try to focus more on the creativity and story-telling ability as opposed to grammar stuff it is still an important aspect since it is distracting, so instead of thinking 'Wow, what a cool move' the reader probably has a voice in the back of their head saying 'That's spelt wrong... that shouldn't be there... too many commas' and so on and so forth. You're both rather young so such mistakes are to be expected but in some instances it was really evident and really distracting. In time I'm sure your grasp of grammar will become clearer and clearer but for the time being remember to spell check posts before posting them and maybe read them over once or twice to make sure everything looks right. If there is anything you're confused about or want help with don't be afraid to ask anyone here or in any of the other writing forums. I won't explain all the mistakes in full detail since that would just be boring but if you do want me to just send me a PM and I'll be happy to go into more depth about it, for you both.

I found the fact that they were both going there to specifically duel each other and knew about it all beforehand a little, for lack of a better term, boring. If they had a specific purpose to be there other than just to fight each other then it would have added more story and dimensions to the duel which could have been worked in. The fact that they moved about the city a few times broke up the pacing; having them stop in the middle of an action packed fight and saying 'Let's go somewhere else' and just walk there and then continue fighting ruins pacing completely even though changing scenery is indeed good. For future scenery changes, in order to avoid putting a big roadblock on the pacing, it would be better to have the characters move as they're fighting. Maybe in the giant crap avalanche they could have ended up fighting atop a falling platform on top of it, moving them from one place to another whilst still keeping things at a fast, tense pace.

Unfortunately for you, Berry, you did something which I consider to be worthy of execution (if only once); you moved between first and third person.

quote Rasberyl

Speaking of hits, I opened my eyes a bit wider when I seen a shape coming from the distance, but this one didn't have more than one head or tentacles. This must be my opponent, Emi thought. I grinned and walked up to her.

When someone doesn't stay consistent with how they write and moves between first and third person it's a faux pas that screams out to me more than anything and pretty much overshadowed most of that first battle post, sadly. You also had two different people speak in the same paragraph more than once, which also shines a bright neon light and distracts from everything else.

You as well, Lillie, had the speech mistake a few times, and your paragraph structure in your first, third and fourth posts was quite... abstract, I guess. Explaining why it was wrong and the right way is also a long winded thing I don't want to do unless you want me to, so send a PM if you like and I'll expand.

Cool, right, so now onto the actual juices of the duel.

The immediate thought is that there are more attacks possible than just lunging Mix it up a little. Lunge, stab, slash, strike and so on and so forth. Synonyms are your friends.

Both of your last posts were... well, they pretty much *bleep*ed with my head, I mean Emi pretty much destroyed Alexis and then Alexis did the same back. That's the type of thing people save for victory posts really and having Alexis recover as quickly and easily as she did made very little sense to me, especially since her flesh was 'ripped into tiny pieces' and her bones were snapped in half. It just seemed like unnecessary overkill on both your parts. So was breaking Emi's spear, if I'm honest, but knowing you two you probably asked her beforehand if you could so I guess it doesn't matter.

I've been very negative so far but don't let that dishearten you, I'm just a bad person it's just easier as a judge to look at this stuff and without being told it it's almost impossible to grow better as a writer and Duelist, so pay attention to the advice but don't let it get you down. That said there were quite a number of positive points as well. The people of Kraggnor and the city itself were imaginative and enjoyable, the attacks were interesting enough and the characters themselves, whilst they would be annoying as hell to know in real life, were entertaining, especially the little things like Alexis having negative thoughts about herself but putting on a brave face (though I found her cutesy-ness in the last battle post a bit of a contradiction to the fact she was doubting herself, and the fact she was just brutally ripped apart, but nvm that ) and Emi calling her kid even though she herself is younger.

I feel you could have done more with the city itself, maybe had some of the mutants caught up in the Duel or even have mutant police intervene as they were fighting or something but there was a lot going on anyway so I can forgive you

Right, actual decision. Because I feel she had more interesting attacks and sequences than her opponent, I'm going to give my vote to Lillie. Things like the manipulating of the water and having Emi change the fireball and then launch it back were more creative than what you produced, Ras... not a great deal more but enough to give her the edge.

My advice to you both is... well, it's intertwined in that mess of crap I call judgement, just don't be disheartened by the negativeness of it and remember that as you grow older you'll grow as writers and, if you keep at it, I'm sure one day you'll be taking on the likes of Fyre and winning. Congratulations to you both on an all-around imaginative and entertaining first duel and I extend the offer of any other help I can give to either of you, should you want it.