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Sep 11, 11 at 11:52pm ^Three Common Nintendo 3DS Myths
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hose of you new to the system or soon to be buying one might be aware there’s plenty of, uh, negative attention around the 3DS a lot of the time. How much of it is true, and how much of it is people jumping on the Nintendo-hate bandwagon?
The Nintendo 3DS! In case you haven’t noticed, there are a lot of people who are jolly fond of it right here. It’s that kind of website. But nonetheless, even the most stoic of Nintendo fans have been baffled by the twists and turns in this console’s short lifespan thus far.
Nonetheless, since the price cut, sales of the console have taken a pleasing turn upwards. Fresh new faces start to join your StreetPass regulars as you go about your day, and these lucky new stereoscopic gamers join the party fashionably late, ready to use their internet browsers and eShops right out the box without those torturous waiting times many Ambassadors endured. We salute you!
As we all know, however, the 3DS has got off to an interesting start. This has led to a lot of detractors, and from a subjective standpoint that’s more than understandable. But stories get exaggerated, negative hype snowballs just as much as positive hype for the hotly anticipated next Mario Kart, and before you know it it feels like everyone’s smacktalking that lovely little handheld you’ve spent your hard-earned money on (though, if you’re shrewd, potentially a lot less than most of everyone else).
Enough! Let’s get to the bottom of the most common, pervasive, overblown and outright peculiar myths plaguing the 3DS, so that owners new and old can feel safe in the knowledge that, despite what anyone may say, they’ve invested in a solid, fun gaming system.
That’s right! The shelves of your local games boutique are lying to you. And any 3DS game you’ve played on your system has also been a lie. It’s a conspiracy; Nintendo are selling highly smelly cheese in the game packaging, and when you open it, inhaling the stench causes you to hallucinate that you’ve just bought a video game. Any beliefs you may have of experiencing a stereoscopic 3D game are a result of hallucinogenic cheese-whiffs and Myth # 2 (which we’ll come to momentarily).
Nonsense! Madness! Hogswash! Ballyhoo! And other exclamations of incredulity. But yes, there are pervasive thoughts that the 3DS has no games worthy of your attention. The truth of this is, like so much else, subjective. The library of what is, let’s not forget, a young and new system is building all the time. What seems to annoy people is that a lot of it is older content.
Rayman 3D is a cheeky port-of-a-port-of-a-port, almost identical to a Classic DS launch game in all but name. Ridge Racer 3D was one of the console’s strongest launch games, yet the tracks are an anthology of games gone before. Similarly, Dead Or Alive 3D is a compendium of the whole series, Pilotwings 3D is a content-light skim around oh-so-familiar Wuhu Island… you get the idea.
For younger gamers (or gamers like your humble writer who missed out the first time – Ridge Racer 3D was my first Ridge Racer experience), this isn’t a problem. But for many of us who’ve been around the block a few times, it can seem like there’s nothing out there. Even the best games in the universe can’t tempt us.
There’s plenty, and plenty more to come. Perhaps the biggest woe stems from the fact that Nintendo launched a machine without a Mario game, and it made everyone sad. Either way, accusations of a dearth of content are something that will lose all gravitas long before the year is out. Does it suck it’s taken this long? Sure it does. But even with a slim-pickings launch, we found plenty to amuse ourselves with.
Okay, but what about…?
One day, Satoru Iwata and Shigeru Miyamoto got together with the Nintendo bigwigs and discussed an important issue. See, they’d heard that you have really lovely eyes, deep and beguiling, and they were jealous of your ocular splendour. So they invested millions in creating a machine specifically designed to brutally savage your eyeballs, and they called it the 3DS. And they captured rare dragons and, at great expense, perfected the technology of embedding them digitally into innocent-looking cards.
Make no mistake, that AR dragon is real. Those times he tries to bite at the screen? He’s trying to bite your face. Nintendo have trained him to chomp your eyeballs clean out of their sockets. All because they hate you.
Baloney! Claptrap! Nonsense! Frivolity! But nonetheless, many would have you believe that the 3DS obliterates your ability to see. Whilst it’s true, and indeed unfortunate, that some people have felt discomfort viewing 3D or even can’t view it at all due to their natural eyesight, the stories of people returning the system in droves paint a negative and thoroughly false picture.
One that fails to take into account the joys of a 3DS owner handing the system to a friend, resulting in cheerfully bewildering variants of “Okay, let’s have a loo–what the?! How… I…”, then much turning of the system to see where the pixies live, finding there are none, then staring back at the screen. “No way. No way! Whoa…”
If you’re one of the players who had to return the system or can’t perceive stereoscopic imagery, we do sympathise with you. But this is where Nintendo have emphasised the 3D almost to the detriment of the many other features on offer. There’s a depth slider. It adjusts the image for optimum comfort. Many people barely touch it; some, because they’ve found their ideal depth (for your humble writer, it’s two thirds up the scale for optimum viewing), others because they think it has to be full on all the time or they’re doing it wrong, and of course some who choose not to turn it on at all.
All are correct. But next time anyone seems confused about this, just explain that it’s a volume adjusting tool… FOR THEIR EYES.
Headaches? Dizziness? Nausea? Depends who you ask. For many, there’s a period of acclimatisation, after which the 3D becomes second nature. And if it really bugs you, sure, turn it off entirely. You might ask “What’s the point in it being a 3DS then?”, but don’t forget there’s also the fact that, 2D or 3D, this machine’s significantly more powerful graphically than its forebear. Games look lovely any which way.
And yes, 3D does add tangible depth to games that makes them more immersive, makes racing around corners more intuitive, and so on. A simple gimmick this ain’t.
But folks, it’s time for the big one… you ready?
Nintendo have lost so much money on the 3DS that all members of staff have started selling spare internal organs on the black market. The price cut means they’re now paying you just to take the machine away so they can go and cry in the shower and forget. The machine itself is the worst thing to ever happen to videogames, it is an atrocity, it is an abhorrent example of horrific design and an example of Nintendo’s faltering grasp on reality.
It shaves off your eyebrows when you’re sleeping, kicks your dog, says disparaging things about our mothers, listens to all your CDs and doesn’t put them back in the cases, shouts abuse at senior citizens and its very existence is such a blight on humankind’s endeavours that it caused a tri-chromatic quantum feedback loop that opened a space-time vortex and retroactively started World War 2.
Bogus! Horsefeathers! Balderdash! Um… uh… disconcertingly incorrect!
Look. We know the 3DS has had some problems. Enough to garner it a negative reputation in some people’s eyes. Plus, Iwata-san slashing his own salary in half was a big deal. Many would see that as an admission of defeat.
But take a step back. Have you any idea how much courage and integrity it takes to admit, in front of an entire planet, that your initial strategy wasn’t quite right? The 3DS isn’t failing, but the 3DS could fail, and Nintendo have been given a short sharp shock so as to now, thankfully, remain very much aware of that. Price cuts and salary-slicing might seem like last desperate flinging of the dice.
But, they’re Nintendo. So they want that same stratospheric success they’ve enjoyed with Wii and DS. Imagine how vindicated and confident they must’ve felt when those two consoles set a new precendent after those cold, lonely N64 and GameCube years. And those were good systems! Just cruelly eclipsed by other machines. Nintendo never wants to go there again, and who can blame them?
So their actions, even the most bizarre ones, are all taken from that urge to not fail. They know the 3DS is a great system, and if you have one the chances are you do too. So much potential, so much newness and freshness. Essentially, everything they’ve done that looks to many to be ‘failing’ is, in fact, them making every effort not to.
It’s the fact that they could that’s going to make owning a 3DS so exciting. People whisper in hushed tones of smartphones and Apple and all that other stuff. Shareholders want their money’s worth; and so do we, the consumers.
The pressure’s definitely on for Nintendo. But despite the challenges, despite the badmouthing, and despite the ugly myths as listed above (among others – sound off in the comments if you’ve any of your own to add), this is one company with the capacity to make it if they continue getting their funk together. No longer able to rest on their laurels, they have to do everything in their power to ensure the 3DS, and the Wii U, see the success they deserve.
With much to accomplish and a willingness to make it happen, this, in defiance of all of the above, might just be Nintendo’s finest hour.
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Sep 12, 11 at 5:05am ^re: Three Common Nintendo 3DS Myths
That's a complete nonsence. 3DS currently has a few games like OoT or StarFox. The whole 3DS price cut was because it's sales got low and it really helped. The upcoming line up gets Mario kart, Super Mario 3D land, Luigi's Mansion 2 and more awesome tittles. Nintendo has put 250$ hoping people would want to try out the 3D so they would buy it at any price, but the times like that have passed.
"I'm rich. I'm miserable. I'm pretty average for this town."
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Sep 12, 11 at 1:25pm ^re: Three Common Nintendo 3DS Myths
It was failing so much, they were running out of units to sell in Japan before the price drop.
That was certainly an entertaining article and one that I mostly agree with. The only point that can't really be argued with was the abismal launch lineup for the Nintendo 3DS. I would have rather they delayed the release until OOT and Starfox were completed and then release them alonside the console. Having said that however, SSFIV, Asphalt and Ridge Racer provided me with enough entertainment until the release of OoT in July.
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Sep 12, 11 at 2:44pm ^re: Three Common Nintendo 3DS Myths
Eh, I imagine Nintendo could have pushed OoT out the door in time for launch if they felt the need, but were looking to let the 3rd parties "shine" without a top tier Nintendo game to draw everyone's attention away.
Now, that worked real well, didn't it?
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