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Sep 15, 13 at 3:07am ^A little story I'm working on...
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So I've been writing up a story for some time now. It's not done yet, still got a really long way to go but I'd love to hear some feedback on what I can give out so far. (This is going to be a gigantic post just so you know.)
First, here's some lore and the past behind the story.
There was a war. A war between fake Deities and humans. The fake deities were called Daeva. The Daeva came from out of nowhere and they fought with humans for their world. The Daeva were strong, devilish beings taking the form of twisted versions of the deities from myths or figures of legends. They fought using curses and dark sorcery against their foes. They were all capable of flight but they had to earn the ability of it themselves when having reached certain circumstances. The conditions of flight for a Daeva were completely different for each one of them and not one had an idea of how to acquire the ability themselves and thus only some of the entire Daeva population were able to fly. Though, among those that were able to fly some had stranger or more different wings than others. One Daeva could have wings that could also be used as weapons while another could use their wings for immense speed, losing the ability to properly fly.
Humans before the war was immensely prosperous but the war had changed all of that. The war had been waged for nearly 90 years. As the war waged it had taken a toll on the human soldiers. This had forced them to use other means of soldiers like animals or children. This had actually given the advantage to them due to the new approaches brought by using children and animals. The animals were trained to be more ferocious than they are in the wild when put in a battlefield while the children were trained to use the animals and if the animals had perished they were trained into being agile, speedy and quiet.
The animals and children force were mainly their own unit, being sent on accomplishing different objectives from the main force such as sabotage and whatnot. The main force who had advanced from the knowledge procured from capturing Daeva to be able to use magic. However the use of magic is rather unstable itself as seeing it was more suited to being used by Daeva but with experimentation it has been made usable by humans to some extent.
The use of magic and the use of animals were able to drive back the Daeva to a corner but then something happened. Something strange. Somehow Daeva attained the ability to curse other beings with their lives when a Daeva was in it's dying breath. so that they may come back to life once again. This had led to confusion among the human armies but they were still able to push against the Daeva and eventually won by sealing them off into another dimension. They were sealed to prevent more cases of the curse.
After the war, there was great celebration, and great mourning for the lost. The war had taken an immense toll on humans and they were forced to rebuild from their broken pieces.
Stuff about the mysterious cursing ability of the Daeva:
The curse can only be targeted at a single individual. A Daeva can only come back to life after a long period of time after using the curse. This is due to the Daeva recovering to it's prime and that it has to breakdown the will of the one who is cursed.
The process is to first curse a specific body part of the individual and grow from there. Almost acting like an infection or parasite. The curse spreads around the body in strange ways. If any part that is infected suffers a severe injury then it is possible for the one who is cursed to make contact with the Daeva who had cursed the target.
Side effects of the process to the target is to show a sign of the curse on the body part targeted and a different part of the body will also be affected in either it's shape or color. However, there isn't always a guarantee that the curse will take effect. Sometimes it would instead outright kill the targeted individual if they could not handle it and there would be some who would be able to reject it completely.
However, nobody yet actually knows any of this. This part is purely lore and not something that is known itself by the people in the world this story is set in.
The Venator and Venatrix:
Venator and Venatrix were people who lived outside the city walls and would hunt a variety of wildlife and send a share of the meat they get from their hunts into the city. Though, some consider them a Mafia of sorts. They would all use unique and special weapons and could go into the city if they had their pass. They were usually either people who want a simple life, people from the War, Country folk who don't have the means to live in the city or criminals who were banished to live outside the walls. Only the country folk and criminals were the ones who did not get the pass to enter the city. The country folk and those exiled would have to earn the pass to get back into the city by paying for it. The price for a pass varies to the severity of the crime.
Note: Venator are Male and Venatrix are Female.
General Ignar Corro, he was a man fat with money, multiple lies under his belt that profited only him and the vulgarity of a barbarian. He only attained the rank of general through multiple bribes, trickery and blackmail. He was a horrible general who lazed about and stayed far from the battlefield. He couldn't even understand or give orders properly. He was only able to maintain his rank due to bribery and blackmail. He treated his unit more like servants rather than his soldiers, making them do things like bringing him food or setting his clothes. He would often hit anybody who disobeyed or offered insight different from his own harshly and multiple times. The one who suffered the most was Noctal as he would attempt multiple times to offer a different approach and objected to the unclear and lazy orders General Ignar gave. Noctal would suffer the most and the harshest of blows, at times even having broken bones. General Ignar would also have those in his unit accompany him at night in bed by force with his favorite being Noctal.
He was found dead a year after The War due to a supposed heart attack.
Magic(Will probably get fancy name in the future. Strong emphasis on probably):
Magic was a strange thing to be used by the humans. It was something of immensely dangerous power, yet something that was vital to mankind at the time. The ability to use Magic was originally derived from how the Daeva use it. The knowledge of how humans can use magic was gotten by capturing and observing how the Daeva are able to use it. For one to be able to use Magic they would have to consume a part of the Daeva at first, mostly their flesh. This, however, wasn't an instant process as they would have to wait for a minimum of 72 hours and a maximum of a week before being able to use magic and there was also no confirmation as those who couldn't handle it would suffer fatal internal bleeding.
Magic was a deadly weapon as it was difficult to control yet had to be used to it's full extent to be able to counter the Daeva through large scale bombing attacks and it allowed the use of more advanced tactics to take down strongholds. The cost however is that those who used magic would suffer violent sideffects on their mind as they would suffer from dementia, insomnia and vile hallucinations meaning that all those who would use magic would go insane if they wouldn't commit suicide from their hallucinations. In the present day of the story, those who could use magic were nigh gone as they would've gone insane or they would have already killed themselves.
Now the story.
The basics of this story is that the MC, a Venator who was a child soldier in the War, was disgusted by the General of his unit and, as he grew he also became disgusted by the state his country was in and the state he knew it was going to become. And so he seeks to become the ruler of his country, the King, to rid it of this corruption. Not for peace, nor chaos, but only to rid it of the corruption.
As I said, that is basically what the story is. Bare bones.
Now the MC: His name is Noctal, Noctal Il Damnati Sovrano, and he is about 26 years old. (Only shares the name and facial features with who I made in .Hack. Otherwise very different.) He was being trained to fight in the war at the age of 5 and joined the fray at the age of 9, and seeing the victory humans had achieved at the age of 14. He was commended for his immense agility, quick-thinking and his will to stay alive and keep those around him alive but he was disliked by the unit he was in since he was quiet and anti-social.
His reason for being quiet and anti-social is because he was a single child and his parents would attack and argue with each other very frequently though at the time he still believed that things would get better. But one day, late at night, there was an especially heated argument, the neighbor who would usually report this was out so there would be nobody to report it, the argument got very heated and ended with both the parents stabbing each other. After each had stabbed each other the MC had walked in after waking up from his sleep and witnessed what had been done. The parents saw him, bloodied and in pain they tried to crawl over to him but just before they reached him, they had passed. This had left him completely traumatized and when the neighbor returned to her house she decided to check on the MC's house and saw the dead bodies then reported it to the authorities that were available in the safe-zone of the city. (Not a lot were available what with there being a war)
Seeing as there were no homes available to take him in he was admitted into the military school by his uncle for training and education.
At the end of the war, A Daeva he killed had used the curse on him. It had hit him straight in his left eye leaving a somewhat distorted eye turning the pupil into a large, sickly white with his eyeball and area around the eye a deathly black. However, he could still see through his eye. But, seeing as he was only a child still the curse had been taking violent tolls on him. Afterwards, the MC was in a very weak state and the curse took advantage of it so it had spread from his eye, to some parts of his central nervous system and took over his right hand.
His uncle, worried, took him to multiple specialists to see if anything could be done, though only one knew what to do. That specialist would apply a special effect to a chain and an eyepatch to hold back the curse. The eyepatch was normally applied though, the chain had to be embedded into his arm through a rather painful process. Seeing as he was still a child, the chain was given a secondary effect to fit him as he grows. This was done as it would be a hassle to do the enchantment again. Though, this was limited in it's power and would only hold the curse back for 6 years. After that, the enchantment would lose it's effect and nobody knew what would happen then.
Afterwards for the next 6 years he continued his training in fighting while also focusing on education. He grew into somebody who was incredibly dexterous, skilled with a sword and Hand-to-Hand combat while also being intelligent. However, he is very susceptible to sicknesses, isn't the most strong body wise and has great difficulty when dealing with anything that can strike him from a range.
At the age of 20 he had his weapons made and his education and training finished. He was a respected student as he did well in both studies and training, he had a good future set at the time but due to a very serious incident he was was banished to live outside the walls as a Venator. Though, the banishment had not bothered him in the slightest. Rather, he wanted to live like that.
His personality as a grown man is a spontaneous, silver tongued, playfully sarcastic man who loves to debate and stays calm most of the time, however if he does get angered he is quick to shout and get violent. He can be timid and very awkward when dealing with strangers. However, he isn't the most mentally stable person so under some circumstances he wouldn't seem "right" so to say. He fights using a single sword and his cursed arm and his only means of defense is an incredibly durable and defensive gauntlet on his left arm.
The gauntlet is made of a special, silver colored ore found in the deepest of the mines that is incredibly strong, incredibly light and incredibly rare. Though, not much is know about the ore itself. Even with the amount of research having conducted on it little is known about how it came about and if it has any other special properties. He had it made for himself by the military after 7 years. For his deeds in the war he was given a title that he refused to accept and multiple rewards that he again had refused to accept. He chose nothing as a bonus to the money he had gotten except for a sort of cash-in coupon. At any time in the future he can request two pieces of equipment to be custom made for him. The gauntlet of his was made by using a great amount of the ore to be smelted and forged into one gauntlet. The gauntlet would fit his entire and he encompasses the gauntlet as both a weapon in his fighting style and a strong defensive tool.
His sword, Ars Sacra, is made of the same ore as his gauntlet but in a lesser quantity. The ore was smelted and folded countless times to forge a durable, peerless and incredibly sharp blade. As a personal request with his own funding he asked for it to be forged with a specific design. Not a lot to say other than it's an excellent sword.
The incident after six years:
He had finished his training and studies and at the time he had completely forgotten about the limit of the enchantment he had to hold back the curse. One day, he was out for a stroll late at night, little to no people were around at the time. Unexpectedly he felt immense pain from his eye, chest and hand. He fell to his knees from the pain, the pain was so great that he had let out loud, savage screams. The pain did not decrease at all the entire time and it had just kept on rising. Some guards had come to investigate and the few others that were around had watched from a distance. At a point Black smoke was emitting from his hand, eye and mouth. Though, he couldn't care about that due to the pain. He was unable to think properly, he had slammed his head against the ground, then he smashed his right hand into the ground multiple times, he was coughing out blood in large amounts. And then, something happened that nobody expected.
Suddenly, he let out a scream louder than ever, the pain had reached a peak, the smoke was emanating profusely, one final time he slammed his hand into the ground and then, a gigantic inferno had burst forth with him in the center of it. He had covered the entirety of the central plaza in black flames. He had charred the buildings there, he severely injured several guards. Nothing was left unscathed. The plaza was hellishly charred save for the man at the center. Afterwards, he had passed out for 3 days.
While he was passed out however, he had met face to face with the Daeva taking residence in him. After exchanging words for a bit, Noctal had began beating down the Daeva inside him with his own willpower, proving that he was superior to it. After that, he decided to take the Daeva's power for his own whether it wanted to give it's powers or not. After being beaten even further he was able to take the Daeva's powers by force.
After he had woken up however, he was immediately sent to trial, where it was decided that he would have to live in exile outside the city walls seeing as nobody knows what else he is capable of and if he can control himself or not. He was also pronounced "Dead" as to keep the public calm about the matter. Noctal was however in agreement with everybody that he should be sent away as he wanted to hone his new found power. And thus began his life as a Venator.
He is however, still legally allowed to traverse within the city but only under watch and only for matters where the higher-ups demand to speak with him.
How he fights using his arm:
His arm has been cursed by the Daeva but he was able to turn the curse into a blessing out of pure willpower. The power he acquired was of that to use Dark Flames, but only in a blast-like form/ Close-range explosions from his hand and enhanced claw-like strikes. He also does have the ability to light things on fire by touch. He usually mixes up his sword moves with hand-to-hand moves and with those hand-to-hand moves he also uses the blasts. Early on he's not very good with his abilities but he wishes to hone and use them more efficiently.
So yeah, there it is. Would love some feedback on how everything is so far.
Sep 17, 13 at 9:31pm ^re: A little story I'm working on...
quoteSo were the Daeva previously worshipped and then humanity discovered they were false and attacked?
quoteOh very cool! (although the daeva should have maybe realised that humanity would use animals as they've been used in battle for centuries, unless in your world this is a new thing?). Using children as soldiers always makes for such interesting ethical and moral dilemmas for the reader - it's interesting to explore. If you need more research on it, read up on Pol Pot's regime in Cambodia for a real world example of how they did training etc.
quoteWait so...they curse a person and that person comes back to life? Or the Daeva comes back to life?
quoteWhat's the pass to enter the city? Sounds kinda cool ^^
quoteHonestly? Not really necessary to make the eyepatch grow. If the chain started off too long but was adjustable to accommodate for his growing head it'd work fine! It's also a bit odd that it gets embedded in his arm. If there's a chain running from his eye to his head...that's going to get in the way of everything, particularly combat!
quoteSeems kind of suspect that the military would give him a rare, expensive and un-researched artifiact. Particularly when they don't know what's going to happen to him when the curse comes about. Seems a bit risky to be wasting that sort of resource on.
quoteThis is a solid concept, but something that probably needs to be drawn out a little further and discovered along his journey rather than just when he passes out the first time.
I think the whole curse thing would work better if it happened to him for the first time and they don't know much about it in anyone else. If humanity isn't even aware that the Daeva possessed this ability until it manifests within him. Even then, if that were the case society seems more likely to have just kick him out straight away rather than letting an unknown, cursed child grow up amongst them. You could have him become cursed, his uncle secretly take him to the sorcerer and Noctal having to pass it off as just an eye injury so as not to be marginalised from the rest of humanity.
All in all, it sounds like a pretty solid basis for a story ^^ Do you have anything on the villain? Or how the cityfolk and the venator and venatrix differ in their lifestyles? I'm keen to hear more!
Sep 18, 13 at 3:05am ^re: A little story I'm working on...
Oh dear lord I thought this was gonna be forgotten.
"So were the Daeva previously worshipped and then humanity discovered they were false and attacked?"
The Daeva are beings who take the from of those who were worshiped as gods or divine beings in the past legends and myths of the world this is set in. I would elaborate on these legends and myths but they are currently being worked on.
"Oh very cool! (although the daeva should have maybe realised that humanity would use animals as they've been used in battle for centuries, unless in your world this is a new thing?). Using children as soldiers always makes for such interesting ethical and moral dilemmas for the reader - it's interesting to explore. If you need more research on it, read up on Pol Pot's regime in Cambodia for a real world example of how they did training etc."
Yes, it is more of a new thing in this world seeing as the creatures of this world, while there are those from real life, there are a multitude of different and dangerous creatures in the story's world. And with the child soldiers I don't want to make a light-hearted story by any means. Some light hearted slice of life moments will be in and some light hearted comedy moments but overall this will be a strongly serious and dark story. And note, the child soldiers are but one of the many things I have planned. There's suicide, child abandonment, rape, dismemberment and more! Also thanks for letting me know about the children training example.
"Wait so...they curse a person and that person comes back to life? Or the Daeva comes back to life?"
They curse a person and they come back to life by taking over their body at a point. Though, it is a time consuming process and there are some special cases. Know that this is still something that is being worked on.
"What's the pass to enter the city? Sounds kinda cool ^^"
The pass is a special card.
"Honestly? Not really necessary to make the eyepatch grow. If the chain started off too long but was adjustable to accommodate for his growing head it'd work fine! It's also a bit odd that it gets embedded in his arm. If there's a chain running from his eye to his head...that's going to get in the way of everything, particularly combat!"
The growing thing is something that I just put in to avoid those that would say it wouldn't work having an eye-patch and chain from a young age to still fit when he's an adult. And the Chain is not attached to his head in any way, it's just latched and embedded onto his arm. I apologize for not elaborating on that.
"Seems kind of suspect that the military would give him a rare, expensive and un-researched artifiact. Particularly when they don't know what's going to happen to him when the curse comes about. Seems a bit risky to be wasting that sort of resource on."
He was quite a help in the war. He refused medals and titles and wanted a "coupon" of sorts to cash in for whatever he wants. It also included the use of Top-Secret materials being used to make stuff for him. And plus, he asked for all that could be spared and the military had quite a bit since it was mined secretly.
"I think the whole curse thing would work better if it happened to him for the first time and they don't know much about it in anyone else. If humanity isn't even aware that the Daeva possessed this ability until it manifests within him. Even then, if that were the case society seems more likely to have just kick him out straight away rather than letting an unknown, cursed child grow up amongst them. You could have him become cursed, his uncle secretly take him to the sorcerer and Noctal having to pass it off as just an eye injury so as not to be marginalised from the rest of humanity."
That moment is supposed to symbolize his first step in conquest, his first step of power. And plus, he doesn't actually tell everybody he meets that he has a chance of turning into a murderous being, it is something that is kept in secret. And he also keeps his right hand covered or hidden. Though, I'll take your idea into consideration. Thanks.
"All in all, it sounds like a pretty solid basis for a story ^^ Do you have anything on the villain? Or how the cityfolk and the venator and venatrix differ in their lifestyles? I'm keen to hear more!"
I'm struggling quite a lot with the villain so I put the villain(Or Villains?) aside for now. They both have it really rough, Cityfolk earn measly income, get ripped off and get blamed on for false charge and the VAV risk their lives in every hunt to earn some pay and they're always in danger since they're out in the wilderness where any large beast can attack their homes or huts at anytime.
Oct 28, 13 at 4:10pm ^re: A little story I'm working on...
I think this as a concept is pretty cool I didn't read all of it but I read enough for me to know that you have a lot of great ideas. You should spend some time and write something really good with them as I'm sure you can. (Sorry it's the middle of the night here so I might sound like an idiot.)
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