short story Heaven or Hell? (T) [In which Tim is a Horrible 80s Cliche, and a Samurai Rides a Moose]

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Thank you for dying, and have a nice afterlife!

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Instead, he hastily tucked in his shirt, wishing he had died in something more appropriate to meet God in.

That was a hilarious read, especially the "IDONKARE" part.

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OH, YOU KNOW. FIRE, BRIMSTONE, DENTISTS, TAX COLLECTORS, LITERATURE SNOBS.

Watch it

The end part with the tentacles and everything seemed a bit too random though. Overall, keep them coming. I would love to read more.

Also, Corruption don't forget to tag the story with a rating.

That was... very amusing.
Do you plan to do more?

quote Hmszelda

Do you plan to do more?

My goal for myself is to just write a 500-word short story every day set in Idonkare. At least 500 words, since yesterday's (and today's) went on quite a bit longer.
At any rate, each day's story may or may not be connected to a previous one or feature old characters. It just depends on what I feel like writing, be it a light comedy piece or a darker, grim story or something inbetween.

At any rate, I'm glad you all are enjoying it, and hope you will continue to do so. =D

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So when we left off, I was hurtling toward the open maw of a tentacle monster. Her name is Lola, by the way. I was on my way to meet Tim, the Other Son of God. At that point, I was expecting to be underwhelmed by Idonkare. Overall, the afterlife seemed incredibly dumb. I was wrong, as I often was back then. You see, Idonkare is what you want it to be. In a sense, it can be Heaven or Hell. What will you make it out to be?


Ray screamed as the tentacle monster swallowed him and he found himself sliding down a slick, damp, rubbery passageway. Suprisingly, it wasn't warm inside the beast at all. In fact, it was very mild. Looking about, Ray spotted several ceiling fans blowing air downward. That made precisely zero sense whatsoever, but the newly dead teen was left no time to ponder how it could have happened. A light opened up before him and when he passed it, he found himself sliding along the floor of a very ornate room as water sprinkled across his body from above.

"Woo! Wicked slide, dawg! That was totally tubular!" A man with wild black hair grown past his shoulders wearing a leather jacket, zebra-striped pants, and sunglasses was grinning down at him. "High-five, bro."

Ray got to his feet slowly, brain trying to process how such an impossible combination of man and clothing could exist. He took in the rest of the room. There was pink shag carpeting layering the floor. At the far end of the room was an enormous black leather couch with a dozen old records hanging on the wall behind it.

"What the Hell..." Ray muttered.

The man lowered his sunglasses to look at Ray over them, "Uh, no, dude, this is Idonkare. So, you must be Ray, am I right? You're kind of scrawny looking, kiddo. I don't think you'll fit in here. Gonna have to send you to Hell instead. Haha, NOT!"

"...Oh my God..." Ray stared at the man.

"Close, but no cigar. I'm Tim. T-to-the-I-to-the-M. The Other Son of God. What's with you, man?"

Ray shook his head, "Sorry. I've just never seen so many wrong things in one place at one time."

Tim frowned and took his sunglasses off and got right into Ray's face, "Are you saying this is all wrong?"

"Err..." Ray looked at the decorated palace of Tim again, "Yeah, all of it. It looks like most of this stuff is from the 80s. Nobody who's lived and breathed in the last thirty years would have all of this stuff in their house."

Tim had taken out a notebook and was scribbling things out, muttering fiercely under his breath, "I'll get that Jeff. He told me this was what the Earthlings were decorating their rooms with now!" he fixed on Ray again, "So dawg, am I at least doing the speech thing right?"

"Not even close. I don't even think anyone in the 80s talked like that."

Tim sighed, "Sorry. I like to try to make the people from Earth coming here feel comfortable for their first look at Idonkare. But I don't get to watch the mortals like Jeff and Jesus do. Earth is like tv in Heaven, but we don't even get basic cable down here."

"Wait, wait, Heaven watches us?" Ray asked.

Tim nodded, "Yeah. Seriously, you guys have it all. Whenever we want action, we just watch a war or some high-stakes robbery. We want romantic comedy, we watch high school couples. We want porn, we watch politicians. Hah, just kidding, only freaks watch them. But no, seriously, they watch you guys go at it, like, all the time.
But like I said, we don't get that down here. Everybody down here has no idea how the Earth has changed since they died. It's been...thirty years, you said? Thirty years since Dad sent a mortal to me. You guys are behaving worse and worse all the time. I used to get at least thirty people each year."
Tim sighed, "Anyway. Enough of that. So, some basic things you need to understand is that, number one, Idonkare is a magical city that constantly grows to meet each citizens' needs. For example, you like castles? Idonkare will make a castle for you, complete with a moat monster. You want some cramped, dingy little apartment building, though Dad knows why you'd want that, Idonkare will craft one. With loud, annoying neighbors having sex in the next room over to go with it, if you want.

Number two, you gotta decide what you want to be. That soul body of yours is just a temporary thing. It's basically a wax dummy. We put a human soul inside it and it takes on your characteristics until you either become an angel, a demon, or you get sent here and become whatever you want. Ghost, zombie, grim reaper, tentacle monster, shapeshifter, succubus, dog, cat, Tolkien elf, Dark elf, Night elf, North Pole elf, Elf elf, Godzilla, harbinger of the apocalypse, whatever. You can even change genders if you want.

Number three, you can't die, but that don't mean you can't be hurt. Idonkare is far from a perfect place. We get criminals from Hell who sneak through the barrier all the time, and we have people who weren't bad before go crazy evil while they're here. Best we can do is toss them back to Hell. But before we do, you could spend days, weeks, centuries tortured in ways you can't even begin to imagine. Not to make you nervous or anything," Tim clapped Ray on the back and the teen laughed nervously.

"And that's basically it. The rest, you'll just pick up along the way. Idonkare is what you make it out to be. For your first couple of days, I'll have a familiar tag along with you, make sure you get the hang of things, you know?"

Ray nodded, "Sure..." It sounded like it was something he was just going to have to get used to. A place that could be whatever he wanted...

Tim clapped his hands, "Most righteous, so!" He pointed a finger at Ray dramatically and yelled, "What do you want to be, Ray Odin Johnson!? Your fate is in your hands!"

He had been thinking about that ever since Tim had said he could choose. Ray was reminded of all of the conversations with his friends about what super power they would have if they could choose only one. The obvious answer was x-ray vision, because girls and boobs, but Tim had mentioned something else, something better than x-ray vision.

"I want to be a ghost," he said, "But not, like, transparent all the time. I want control over it."

Tim frowned, "...That's it?" he asked.

"Err...yeah..." Ray said, "Should I have chosen something else?"

The Other Son of God shrugged, "Eh, whatever. Dad said you were destined to be a hero and do some important stuff down here, and I figure I should just give you free reign." He snapped his fingers and Ray felt his body change. He couldn't quite explain it, but it felt similar to having butterflies in ones stomach.

"Alright, you're good to go, dude. Once you're settled in, come see me and tell me more about Earth!" Tim snapped his fingers again and the carpet lifted up and formed a wave that pushed Ray out of Tim's room and out the door. As the doors closed behind him, Ray frowned. What was that Tim had said about God saying he, Ray, was a hero? He turned around to ask, but found only a solid wall instead.

Frowning, Ray turned and found himself staring at the brimming streets of Idonkare. The city was alive with lights, music, and people...things. Black smoke suddenly appeared out of no where beside Ray and a man appeared beside him. He had long, brown hair tyed back in a ponytail. He wore a black gi with a katana and wakizashi at his waist. He was riding a moose.

"Greetings," he bowed low and held out a hand, "Ishiya Bawlzak."

Ray looked down. His pants were zipped. "Pardon?"

"Ishiya Bawlzak. It is my name. Is it not customary to introduce one's self?"

Understanding clicked, "Oh, right. I'm Ray. Sorry, I misunderstood what you'd said."

"The apology is mine, my friend. I will try to avoid confusing you in the future. I am a samurai of Edo. I'm to be your companion until you get used to Idonkare." He patted the moose on the head, "This is Moose. He's just a moose, but I like him. Follow me, and I'll show you around."


So that was the start of my life in Idonkare. It turns out, God is wrong from time to time. I wasn't a hero then, and I never became one. Though I suppose I do have all of eternity to become one. Maybe that's what he's banking on. Anyway, Ishiya and I became pretty good friends, though Moose and I don't really get along. Ishiya still insists he's just a moose, though.

Ooohh...I really like this story. You rock, man.

Any more? :>