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Mar 10, 13 at 3:19pm ^Heaven or Hell? (T) [In which Tim is a Horrible 80s Cliche, and a Samurai Rides a Moose]
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[In which Ray makes his choice between Heaven and Hell]
[In which Tim is a Horrible 80s Cliche, and a Samurai Rides a Moose]
When you die, would you go to Heaven or Hell, if you had a choice? Back when I died, I had that choice. This is the story of how I got to where I ended up. It's certainly not the only story to be told, nor will it be the only story told. I'm not even the main character. I don't even know if you could say there is a main character in these stories. It's just a good place to start. The afterlife is basically one giant shenanigan after another involving innumerable people, forming a giant mosaic of cluster*bleep*ery. But I'm getting ahead of myself. The story of my choice. Right, well, I guess the best place to start would be...well, I had just died. Obviously. And then...
Ray stared nervously about his surroundings, trying not to squirm in his seat too much. He was seated on some sort of strange white mist, staring up at a giant sign that read, "WELCOME TO CLOUD NINE. PLEASE TAKE A SEAT AND AWAIT YOUR TURN." Beneath that was a helpdesk manned by women. To the left of the desk and the interns was an escalator leading downward beneath the cloud, and to the right, an escalator leading upward infinitely. To his left and right, behind him and in front him, was an endless wave of people sitting, waiting to be serviced, just like him.
"Now serving Departed Soul 96,458."
Ray glanced at his ticket and sighed. He was number 46,129,677. It looked like he would be here a while, so he took the time to reflect on how he had died - at least he was pretty sure he was dead. He had uttered the words that had doomed thousands of seventeen-year-olds before him: "I can totally make that jump."
He hadn't made that jump.
Ray felt at his head and was still surprised when he felt slightly ruffled blonde hair. He was sure there had been a huge gaping hole there before.
"Now serving Departed Soul 46,129,677."
Ray blinked. The people that had surrounded him were gone. It was just him and his one, lonely chair. The woman manning the desk smiled and beckoned him forward. He stood and shuffled forward, all of his nervousness returning.
"Er...hi," Ray said awkwardly, unsure of whether or not he was supposed to speak.
"Hello, your full name?" the woman asked.
"Ray Odin Johnson." he answered nervously.
The intern chuckled, "Nice middle name."
"My parents said it was because they had huge expectations for me," Ray muttered, "Looks like that fell through."
"Hmm...maybe," the intern said through her smile, "Well, you're not exactly a paragon of goodness, Ray, but you're not the epitome of evil either. You get to go up top and make your case to the big guy. Thank you for dying, and have a nice afterlife!"
"The...big guy? You mean like God?" Ray asked. The bit of fluff Ray was standing on shot upward, leaving the rest of Cloud NIne behind,. "Hey!" he shouted at the intern still smiling at him from below as he sped upward, "Am I going to meet God!?" She didn't answer. Ray would have swore, but, well, given the circumstances. Instead, he hastily tucked in his shirt, wishing he had died in something more appropriate to meet God in. A death metal t-shirt with a burning skull eating a lamb on it was hardly God worthy.
The cloud stopped abruptly, throwing Ray to the ground. A hand reached down and Ray accepted it. Attached to the hand was a man who appeared to be around Ray's own age clad in white, beaming brightly, "Hello," he said cheerfully as he hoisted Ray back onto his feet.
"Hi..." Ray said, unsure of who this man was and looking around for one of the interns.
"I'm Jeff," the man said, "And I'll be your guide today." His eyes fell on Ray's t-shirt and he laughed, "Oh man, I remember when my dad actually did that! He'll get a kick out of this."
"Er...your dad?" Ray asked.
"God," Jeff nodded, and laughed at Ray's stare, "Haha, oh man, I love doing that to people! No, seriously, God's my dad."
"So you're...Jeff, the son of God?" Ray asked, staring.
"Yup," Jeff nodded, "The Eldest Son of God, if you must be specific. Then there's Tim, the Other Son of God, and then Baby Jesus, the Son of God."
"...Are you serious?" Ray asked as they trod along a road paved in glowing gold. To the left and right were houses perfectly arranged an equal distance apart with square lawns and puffy white clouds coming from the chimneys. People milled about and smiled and waved excitedly at Jeff as he passed. He laughed and waved back, and even called out to a few he seemed to know personally.
"Of course. You don't think I could get away with lying about something like that, do you?" Jeff asked. They had reached a massive set of stairs with a huge golden gate in front of it.
"Well, it's just...your name is very...ordinary." Ray said.
"Yeah, well, Dad thought the same thing. 'Come now, 'Jeff, our Lord and Savior' hardly sounds very good, does it?' He always told me. That's why he gave Jesus a bit of thunder to his name so people would take him seriously." Jeff said, a tad bitterly.
"Huh...makes sense, I guess," Ray said. It really didn't, but he wasn't about to tell that to a son of God, much less the Man Himself, "So Christianity was right all along."
Jeff laughed as they passed through the gate, "Not really. Most of the religions on Earth are kind of right. My baby brother is a huge troll. He must have gone down to Earth and told some poor guy in a dream he's been chosen as a prophet of God a hundred thousand times now. His best one, in my opinion, was when he told the Mayans when the world was going to end. It was a joke a few hundred years in the making, but when we saw all of you making such a big deal about it, we laughed for days and-" Jeff must have realized Ray was staring at him incredulously and cleared his throat, "Anyway. We're here."
They had arrived at two massive double doors that opened when Jeff put a hand on them. He didn't seem to have pushed, though. Inside was a mass of bright, white light.
"AH, RAY. WELCOME." The Voice of God boomed in Ray's head, seeming to come from every direction, "IT SEEMS YOU'RE VERY NEUTRAL ON THE ANGEL-DEMON SCALE. THAT PUTS YOU IN A VERY UNIQUE POSITION. WE HAVE ACCOMMODATIONS PREPARED FOR YOU HERE IN HEAVEN, OR DOWN IN HELL. WHERE WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO? WHAT YOU SAW WITH GEOFFREY-"
Jeff groaned, "Dad, you know I don't like my full name..."
"-IS ABOUT ALL THERE IS TO MY HOME IN THE SKY."
"That's it?" Ray asked, "That's eternal paradise?" This wasn't at all what he had expected. Come to think of it, his heart wasn't even pounding. Either God was using his Godliness to put him at ease, or his short experience with Jeff had left him a bit underwhelmed by the whole afterlife experience in general.
"INDEED. YOU MUST UNDERSTAND, RAY, I'M OLD. I DON'T WANT ANY OF YOU YOUNGSTERS ON MY LAWN."
"So Heaven is basically the Afterlife's Florida. Err...what's Hell like?"
"OH, YOU KNOW. FIRE, BRIMSTONE, DENTISTS, TAX COLLECTORS, LITERATURE SNOBS."
Ray shuddered. Neither place sounded very appealing, "That's it?" he demanded, "I have a choice of surrounding myself with old people or swimming laps in a lake of fire? I don't want to go to either place, honestly. Heaven sounds dull, and Hell is too Hellish." He suddenly got the impression that God was smiling, although he still couldn't see anything through the light. Jeff was beaming and nodded at his father, "WELL, THERE IS A THIRD OPTION, YOUNG RAY. THE PLACE INBETWEEN HEAVEN AND HELL: IDONKARE. I THINK YOU'LL BE HAPPIEST THERE."
"It's a giant city that constantly expands, and you can act however you like."
"I'll take it!" Ray said, jumping on the option.
"VERY WELL. GO FORTH, RAY, INTO THE AFTERLIFE. FAREWELL." The light dimmed and before he could blink, God's palace was in the distance and he was back on his cloud with Jeff standing beside him. Ray looked at the Eldest Son of God.
"I...don't care?" Ray asked.
Jeff chuckled, "Yeah. When Tim asked Dad what he wanted the city to be called, Dad said, 'I don't care.' So that's exactly what Tim called it."
"Tim? Your middle brother?" Ray asked.
"Yup. He's in charge down there. He'll get you settled in."
"Err...how do I get there?" Ray looked around for an escalator.
"Like this." And suddenly, Jeff shoved Ray off his cloud. He screamed as he fell down, down, down. His eyes widened as a massive lake of fire opened up before him. Swimming in its depths was a massive tentacle monster. It opened its maw as Ray fell straight toward it...
I thought I'd seen enough hentai to know where this was going. I was wrong, of course. I was wrong about a lot of things back then. Like that time I thought Jeff seemed jealous of his youngest brother and was plotting to take over Heaven. But I need a break now. All of this talking is making me hungry. Go fetch me some of that tentacle monster to heat up, would you?
Edit: Mar 11, 13 6:11pm
Mar 10, 13 at 7:41pm ^re: Heaven or Hell? (T) [In which Tim is a Horrible 80s Cliche, and a Samurai Rides a Moose]
quoteThat was a hilarious read, especially the "IDONKARE" part.
The end part with the tentacles and everything seemed a bit too random though. Overall, keep them coming. I would love to read more.
Also, Corruption don't forget to tag the story with a rating.
total posts: 6849
since: Apr 2009
Mar 10, 13 at 9:44pm ^re: Heaven or Hell? (T) [In which Tim is a Horrible 80s Cliche, and a Samurai Rides a Moose]
I liked it. It had a nice flow to it, although some of the wording was awkward. It's off to an amusing start, as well. I'm looking forward to this.
Mar 11, 13 at 10:29am ^re: Heaven or Hell? (T) [In which Tim is a Horrible 80s Cliche, and a Samurai Rides a Moose]
That was... very amusing.
Do you plan to do more?
Mar 11, 13 at 2:22pm ^re: Heaven or Hell? (T) [In which Tim is a Horrible 80s Cliche, and a Samurai Rides a Moose]
AhAhaHa! XDDDD Hmszelda This is the "heaven" I imagined x3.
Corruption I would love to see more of these :3
Mar 11, 13 at 5:56pm ^re: Heaven or Hell? (T) [In which Tim is a Horrible 80s Cliche, and a Samurai Rides a Moose]
quote HmszeldaMy goal for myself is to just write a 500-word short story every day set in Idonkare. At least 500 words, since yesterday's (and today's) went on quite a bit longer.
At any rate, each day's story may or may not be connected to a previous one or feature old characters. It just depends on what I feel like writing, be it a light comedy piece or a darker, grim story or something inbetween.
At any rate, I'm glad you all are enjoying it, and hope you will continue to do so. =D
So when we left off, I was hurtling toward the open maw of a tentacle monster. Her name is Lola, by the way. I was on my way to meet Tim, the Other Son of God. At that point, I was expecting to be underwhelmed by Idonkare. Overall, the afterlife seemed incredibly dumb. I was wrong, as I often was back then. You see, Idonkare is what you want it to be. In a sense, it can be Heaven or Hell. What will you make it out to be?
Ray screamed as the tentacle monster swallowed him and he found himself sliding down a slick, damp, rubbery passageway. Suprisingly, it wasn't warm inside the beast at all. In fact, it was very mild. Looking about, Ray spotted several ceiling fans blowing air downward. That made precisely zero sense whatsoever, but the newly dead teen was left no time to ponder how it could have happened. A light opened up before him and when he passed it, he found himself sliding along the floor of a very ornate room as water sprinkled across his body from above.
"Woo! Wicked slide, dawg! That was totally tubular!" A man with wild black hair grown past his shoulders wearing a leather jacket, zebra-striped pants, and sunglasses was grinning down at him. "High-five, bro."
Ray got to his feet slowly, brain trying to process how such an impossible combination of man and clothing could exist. He took in the rest of the room. There was pink shag carpeting layering the floor. At the far end of the room was an enormous black leather couch with a dozen old records hanging on the wall behind it.
"What the Hell..." Ray muttered.
The man lowered his sunglasses to look at Ray over them, "Uh, no, dude, this is Idonkare. So, you must be Ray, am I right? You're kind of scrawny looking, kiddo. I don't think you'll fit in here. Gonna have to send you to Hell instead. Haha, NOT!"
"...Oh my God..." Ray stared at the man.
"Close, but no cigar. I'm Tim. T-to-the-I-to-the-M. The Other Son of God. What's with you, man?"
Ray shook his head, "Sorry. I've just never seen so many wrong things in one place at one time."
Tim frowned and took his sunglasses off and got right into Ray's face, "Are you saying this is all wrong?"
"Err..." Ray looked at the decorated palace of Tim again, "Yeah, all of it. It looks like most of this stuff is from the 80s. Nobody who's lived and breathed in the last thirty years would have all of this stuff in their house."
Tim had taken out a notebook and was scribbling things out, muttering fiercely under his breath, "I'll get that Jeff. He told me this was what the Earthlings were decorating their rooms with now!" he fixed on Ray again, "So dawg, am I at least doing the speech thing right?"
"Not even close. I don't even think anyone in the 80s talked like that."
Tim sighed, "Sorry. I like to try to make the people from Earth coming here feel comfortable for their first look at Idonkare. But I don't get to watch the mortals like Jeff and Jesus do. Earth is like tv in Heaven, but we don't even get basic cable down here."
"Wait, wait, Heaven watches us?" Ray asked.
Tim nodded, "Yeah. Seriously, you guys have it all. Whenever we want action, we just watch a war or some high-stakes robbery. We want romantic comedy, we watch high school couples. We want porn, we watch politicians. Hah, just kidding, only freaks watch them. But no, seriously, they watch you guys go at it, like, all the time.
But like I said, we don't get that down here. Everybody down here has no idea how the Earth has changed since they died. It's been...thirty years, you said? Thirty years since Dad sent a mortal to me. You guys are behaving worse and worse all the time. I used to get at least thirty people each year."
Tim sighed, "Anyway. Enough of that. So, some basic things you need to understand is that, number one, Idonkare is a magical city that constantly grows to meet each citizens' needs. For example, you like castles? Idonkare will make a castle for you, complete with a moat monster. You want some cramped, dingy little apartment building, though Dad knows why you'd want that, Idonkare will craft one. With loud, annoying neighbors having sex in the next room over to go with it, if you want.
Number two, you gotta decide what you want to be. That soul body of yours is just a temporary thing. It's basically a wax dummy. We put a human soul inside it and it takes on your characteristics until you either become an angel, a demon, or you get sent here and become whatever you want. Ghost, zombie, grim reaper, tentacle monster, shapeshifter, succubus, dog, cat, Tolkien elf, Dark elf, Night elf, North Pole elf, Elf elf, Godzilla, harbinger of the apocalypse, whatever. You can even change genders if you want.
Number three, you can't die, but that don't mean you can't be hurt. Idonkare is far from a perfect place. We get criminals from Hell who sneak through the barrier all the time, and we have people who weren't bad before go crazy evil while they're here. Best we can do is toss them back to Hell. But before we do, you could spend days, weeks, centuries tortured in ways you can't even begin to imagine. Not to make you nervous or anything," Tim clapped Ray on the back and the teen laughed nervously.
"And that's basically it. The rest, you'll just pick up along the way. Idonkare is what you make it out to be. For your first couple of days, I'll have a familiar tag along with you, make sure you get the hang of things, you know?"
Ray nodded, "Sure..." It sounded like it was something he was just going to have to get used to. A place that could be whatever he wanted...
Tim clapped his hands, "Most righteous, so!" He pointed a finger at Ray dramatically and yelled, "What do you want to be, Ray Odin Johnson!? Your fate is in your hands!"
He had been thinking about that ever since Tim had said he could choose. Ray was reminded of all of the conversations with his friends about what super power they would have if they could choose only one. The obvious answer was x-ray vision, because girls and boobs, but Tim had mentioned something else, something better than x-ray vision.
"I want to be a ghost," he said, "But not, like, transparent all the time. I want control over it."
Tim frowned, "...That's it?" he asked.
"Err...yeah..." Ray said, "Should I have chosen something else?"
The Other Son of God shrugged, "Eh, whatever. Dad said you were destined to be a hero and do some important stuff down here, and I figure I should just give you free reign." He snapped his fingers and Ray felt his body change. He couldn't quite explain it, but it felt similar to having butterflies in ones stomach.
"Alright, you're good to go, dude. Once you're settled in, come see me and tell me more about Earth!" Tim snapped his fingers again and the carpet lifted up and formed a wave that pushed Ray out of Tim's room and out the door. As the doors closed behind him, Ray frowned. What was that Tim had said about God saying he, Ray, was a hero? He turned around to ask, but found only a solid wall instead.
Frowning, Ray turned and found himself staring at the brimming streets of Idonkare. The city was alive with lights, music, and people...things. Black smoke suddenly appeared out of no where beside Ray and a man appeared beside him. He had long, brown hair tyed back in a ponytail. He wore a black gi with a katana and wakizashi at his waist. He was riding a moose.
"Greetings," he bowed low and held out a hand, "Ishiya Bawlzak."
Ray looked down. His pants were zipped. "Pardon?"
"Ishiya Bawlzak. It is my name. Is it not customary to introduce one's self?"
Understanding clicked, "Oh, right. I'm Ray. Sorry, I misunderstood what you'd said."
"The apology is mine, my friend. I will try to avoid confusing you in the future. I am a samurai of Edo. I'm to be your companion until you get used to Idonkare." He patted the moose on the head, "This is Moose. He's just a moose, but I like him. Follow me, and I'll show you around."
So that was the start of my life in Idonkare. It turns out, God is wrong from time to time. I wasn't a hero then, and I never became one. Though I suppose I do have all of eternity to become one. Maybe that's what he's banking on. Anyway, Ishiya and I became pretty good friends, though Moose and I don't really get along. Ishiya still insists he's just a moose, though.
Edit: Mar 11, 13 6:12pm
Mar 12, 13 at 6:21am ^re: Heaven or Hell? (T) [In which Tim is a Horrible 80s Cliche, and a Samurai Rides a Moose]
Ha, I like Tim. He seems... Groovy.
Mar 12, 13 at 9:09am ^re: Heaven or Hell? (T) [In which Tim is a Horrible 80s Cliche, and a Samurai Rides a Moose]
Ooohh...I really like this story. You rock, man.
Any more? :>
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