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Feb 1, 11 at 5:22pm ^Review Game
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The purpose of this thread is to post up a small except of something you have written, be it a poem or a piece of a story, and someone else will have to comment on it before they can post their own.
2) You do not have to write it specifically for this thread. If it is a small excerpt from one of your stories that you've already posted here, or a poem in your poem thread, feel free to post it again in here. You can (and are encouraged to) even add a link to the story for the convenience of others.
3) I thought about putting a limit on each post, but decided not to. However, if you spam by say, repeatedly putting something like this:
quoteThen I might have to start with putting limits on this. To add to that, don't go to the other end of the spectrum and post your entire story. You'll just kill the thread, and earn a very angry PM from me.
4) Detail your comments, please. An example of a bad comment would be:
quoteAn example of a good comment would be:
quoteor something to that effect.
5) Lastly, keep your comments and criticism civil, please. Something like:
quotewill get you banned from ever participating in this game again. If you can't say something positive about someone's work, then wait until someone posts that you can speak positively about.
Shadow of Truth: I thought I would give it a friendlier name since it is one of the forum's featured games. "Forced Reading" could sound a little scary to some of the newer members.
I'll start with an excerpt from one of my old short stories, The Secret of Crystal Mountain.
How do I always get myself into these situations? I mean, seriously. Every time I get close to solving a mystery, someone has to knock me out, bound and gag me, and lock me up somewhere. You’d think it would get old.
Naomi rolled her eyes as she tried to assess what was going on. She figured out she was bound and gagged, and she was locked away, because she heard a big metal door slam and lock just as she came to consciousness. The air smelled of mud and water, and there was a faint trickling sound somewhere far away. Naomi tries to move when she hits a switch on the wall. A latch opens. Suddenly, Naomi hears the sound of gushing water. Oh, this is great, just great, she thinks to herself as she feels the water at her feet.
Feb 1, 11 at 7:23pm ^re: Review Game
So after one person posts their own little excerpt, the next person critiques it then adds their own excerpt from one of their works? If that's the way it works, here I go.
The Secret of Crystal Mountain:
The line and a half at the top was funny, like a running gag in Naomi's life. It right away describes what the story is about. It seems like a Nancy Drew kind of thing...(checks out the thread) Oh, forensics? I'm watching CSI right now XD Anyways! The next paragraph was nice and simple, but detailed. However, you don't constantly have to use her name. Naomi blah. Naomi bleh. Naomi Naomi Naomi. It's okay to use "she" and "her" more often, but I noticed you did that at the last sentence.
All righty, so, do we have to post the very beginning of something, or just the first part? If we can do whatever, here's a few paragraphs from one of my novels, Bloodthirst, which some of you may be familar with. Going to put it in a spoiler.
Suddenly, the Spring began to shake, as if an earthquake was going on. I clutched Jamie's hand as the whole place vibrated. I closed my eyes and after a few seconds, the shaking stopped. Music started playing, and harvest sprites began to pop up like daisies. The music was coming from the instruments, which I received after collecting 5 musical notes. All ten of them began playing by themselves, composing a soft but harmonic tune that was pleasing to the ears.
The Goddess' statue began to shake, but not as violently as the Spring had. The music continued, the tune changing to something more exciting. My hand crushed Jamie's (Well, as much as it could, considering he had a body of steel) even more, and my heart began to pound. The harvest sprites popped out of their hiding spots, and animals like raccoons, rabbits, owls, weasels and even a monkey appeared. Birds flew above our heads, and the Goddess' statue's shaking began to calm.
I looked over at Jamie, but he was staring right at the statue, his face looking like stone. Eve, Gwen and Nami all stared ahead, as well, their faces expressionless but their mouths tight. I turned to stare at the statue, as well. The little sprites all joined hands, but they jumped around, like they were attempting the can-can dance. The statue of the Goddess continued to shake, but suddenly, a flash of light similar to an explosion blinded me.
“Whoa!” I exclaimed. I put my free hand up to my face to shield my eyes. The light died down, and She was standing—no, floating—where the statue had been. She. The Harvest Goddess. My eyes widened, and my legs felt like jelly. I had to hold onto Jamie's arm with both hands to keep from falling over.
The Goddess had long, purple hair, darker than Jamie's. Her eyes were violet, and Her forehead had some sort of tattoo which I couldn't identify, but the tattoo was visible on Her arms, too. Her dress was long, white and strapless, but sparkled in the light. Wings that resembled a purple butterfly's were growing out of Her back, as if She were an angel. Her eyes were highlighted with pale eye shadow, Her lips a pale pink. Her skin was paler than Jamie's; she could have passed for an albino.
Her wings fluttered slowly, and they released wind that blew in my face. She blinked, then looked around, surprised that she was...alive. She looked at my vampire friends, then at me, then around her Spring, smiling at the animals and sprites. The Goddess looked at us again, smiling wider. She looked at Gwen with a confused expression, then looked at me, possibly sensing a human.
“A gentle breeze caressed my cheek and brought warm melody to my ears,” She said. Her voice was soothing to listen to, not loud and booming. “I'm sorry I made everyone worry...and thank you. I'm...fine, now. We should not forget what is important....Jamie, Nami, Eve. I made you worry too, didn't I? I made all of us worry. I'm sorry.”
Feb 1, 11 at 10:24pm ^re: Review Game
The story sounds very interesting and your writing is impressive, but the one thing I found that you could add is some more description to the setting. After you mentioned statue, I thought your character might be in a city or town of some sort. Then you mentioned creatures and a spring, which made me think you were in the forest. Maybe you could describe the grass and leaves blowing in the wind when the statue flapped its wings. Also, maybe you could compare and contrast the main character with the other vampires besides them being albino in appearance. Maybe when she held Jamie's hand she could feel how cold his lifeless touch was. Overall, I think you did great, especially with how you showed how the main character had a crush/was in love with Jamie.
So I guess it's my turn to post something then? Well, here is an excerpt from one of my favorite stories, The Premonitionist:
I opened my eyes to see a perfect rectangular frame around the bright blue sky. The white clouds floated through the blue like a feather following the flow of water. The rest of my view was interrupted by dirt, at least six feet of it. It was all around me; everywhere I looked. I was even laying on the cold, dark brown mineral of the earth.
I heard a voice but couldn't make out the language nor the words that it spoke. Then, I felt a knot in my throat. I began to cough and felt something in my chest rise up to my throat. By now, my throat felt like someone lit a match inside of it, trying to seer their way through it. I coughed once more and ball of sanguine blood splashed out of my mouth. The horrific taste made me want to vomit.
I tried to call for help to the voice I heard earlier, but as I opened my mouth, I saw the bottom of a shovel hover between me and the rectangular view I had of the sky. It flipped over one hundred and eighty degrees, throwing dirt into my mouth as I tried to scream.
My attempts at getting their attention went unnoticed as piles and piles of dirt were tossed onto my body. The taste of blood and dirt filled my mouth, and I could no longer breathe without inhaling one or both of them. The weight of the dirt kept my body immobile, and eventually began to press against me with a vast amount force.
I tried to grasp onto a few more breaths with my nostrils, but all I could grab were small clods of dirt. The weight of the dirt pressed against my chest, making it impossible for my lungs to expand even if I did have air for them to filter. I felt my ribs begin to give in to the force of the mountain of dirt lying upon me.
My eyes began to water and burn as I felt my rib cage crack and break. More blood was pushed up my throat and out my mouth, but this time it had nowhere to go. I began choking on my own blood, unable to cough it up. I did the only thing I could think of to keep me from drowning in my own blood. I began to swallow the thick, foul, crimson colored water.
Feb 12, 11 at 6:11pm ^re: Review Game
Wow, reading that "made me want to vomit." xD
It was really descriptive and the reason I said the vomit thing was because I'm already rather squeamish, so your details made me feel like I was the one throwing up my own blood. Eww....
For some reason, I thought it got kind of sticky when you said 'my throat' like three times in that one paragraph. I read through it a few times and decided that it was necessary, so it's not a real problem. I would probably get rid of this 'my throat' though:
"Then, I felt a knot in my throat. I began to cough and felt something in my chest rise up to my throat. By now, my throat felt like someone lit a match inside of it, trying to seer their way through it."
Might make it feel less crowded. n_n
Did you finish this story?
I feel like I've read quite a bit of it before, but I can't remember if I stopped because it was over or I stopped reading because I forgot. xD
Alright, so here's my little page-extending excerpt. =3
This is from my story Revenge that I am still actively updating. It's from the next chapter that I have not yet posted. n_n
Comment and critique please!
Tears of fury filled my eyes as I screamed my loudest scream. My voice went hoarse and faded. It felt like the entire world was staring at me as I rushed forward foolishly without a weapon. Amadeus’ sword lay limp in his right hand. Without hesitating, I ripped it up and weilded it as my own sword and swung at the man who attacked my little brother.
The man unstuck his sword, making Amadeus groan, and dodged my blow. He gave me a look that said: ‘are you serious?’ and let his own sword lay limp at his side. With a very thick Archinian accent, he spoke in my own tongue. “You are a boy! Step back, or I will kill you.”
I could barely see him through my tears. With vengeance on my lips, I spat: “You shall die for what you have done! I will kill you myself, you bastard son of a mongrel bitch!”
The man laughed at my insult. Now the crowd wasn’t nearly as thick as before. A few people seemed to be watching, but I wasn’t paying much attention. Everyone else was parading towards the city.
“You are unwise. Have it your way, peasant! Know that you die by the hand of a superior!”
Feb 15, 11 at 9:58am ^re: Review Game
I checked out your story itself and the background thought and mapping you've put into it is impressive - you have imagination which is good. You can tell you're 16 (this isn't meant as a criticism), in that your writing is still developing but your imagination is strong - it's almost as if the ideas are coming so fast your writing is trying to catch up at times. At least that's what I got from reading more in the thread itself. Like I said, that's not meant as a criticism - it's something everyone goes through as a young writer, it's still happening with me when I try to write stories. I like the world you've created anyway, I find it interesting and Assassin's Creed and Tolkien are two of my favourite things so good influences to have
My main tip would be to proof read, not even for mistakes, but just to see how things sound to yourself. Read over sentences and paragraphs and see if there's something you could change, a comma here, different phrasing there, just to make it flow a bit better. Overall I liked it though.
This is a poem from my ongoing collection I Am which I haven't added to for a while because I haven't really been writing much unfortunately. The poem is called 21st Century Boy, and I'll be honest, it's quite dark. I'd heard a story of a lad who - well, the poem is pretty clear.
21st Century Boy
He sits in his room,
Listening to Kid A (again),
Reading the Lord of the Rings (again)
Watching Eternal Sunshine (again)
Playing Minesweeper on the laptop (new record time!)
His guitar gathers dust in the corner,
As do his CV’s,
Although his degree still gleams in its frame.
Hanging on the wall, three years on,
His Mum is still proud,
Dusting it regularly.
Bachelor of Arts.
First Class Honours Degree.
You’ll always land on your feet with a degree like that.
So he delays actually entering the real world.
Cultural education, you know,
Or travelling, as it’s more widely known.
And while young Patrick had certainly seen plenty,
And learned incredible things,
What has he to show for it?
Look, there I am in Boston. Look, there I am in Australia.
Look, there I am outside the Guggenheim.
When the sight of a nipple
On channel 951 got him excited,
He realised how pathetic his existence had become.
Imagine if I died like this, he thought,
What would Mum think, finding me like this?
The thought was brief,
But long enough to kill the mood.
What’s the point? He thinks.
So he decides to die on his own terms.
He leaves a note
“I love you all.”
But he does it anyway.
As his feet dangle and he struggles to die,
Various things pass through his mind.
Each pray’r accepted, each wish resign’d,
Death is but another path, one which we all must take,
Back there… that’s not me… this isn’t happening
Don't ever let anyone tell you you deserve that...
Feb 24, 11 at 10:30am ^re: Review Game
I'm pretty rubbish at critiquing, but here I go...
I liked that poem, even if it was pretty dark. I found it pretty sad as well, the concept of an intelligent young man with an extremely beneficial degree but is suddenly depressed. But one thing I noticed- CVs doesn't have an apostrophe s. The apostrophe s is used for something posessive e.g. Violet's book. If you wanted to use the apostrophe s, you'd need to say: As do Patrick's CVs, but I understand you probably won't want to give away the character's name quite yet. Other than that, it's a really good poem, keep writing ^^
So now it's my turn, is it? Well, here's a snippet from my current story "This Is Not Another Trilogy, It's Just Another Story". I'll put it in spoilers, as it's from chapter four and if you want to read it I don't want to spoil anything for you. Anyway I'm rambling, here it is
Violet started gathering up the things that had fallen out the upturned box. They were letters- unopened ones.
If Violet had not turned those letters over, then perhaps this story would be shorter.
But she did.
Violet's face slowly turned into a frown as she saw that the letter was addressed to her. She didn't recognise the handwriting. Slowly, she stuffed it in her pocket.
"Violet," Becky whispered. "What's that?"
"Is it for you?"
"Then why aren't you opening it?"
"Because I don't think I'm supposed to read this, Becky." Violet said, her brow furrowing. She sorted through the other letters. They were all addressed to her. Suddenly, she heard her Dad's footsteps. She quickly stuffed three more of the letters in her pocket and bundled the rest in the box.
"We ready to go?" her Father asked.
"Yep, just one more box and then that'll be it." she said, picking up Becky's box and putting it in the removal van.
"Wonderful, wonderful. Alicia's agreed to take some of your boxes over. Why don't you go with her and keep Becky company?"
Violet agreed, and she and Becky jumped in the car with Alicia. Now nine months pregnant, she was considerably more irritable than she used to be, and she and Violet didn't talk much.
As the car drove along, Becky leaned over to Violet and whispered, "Open it now!"
"Nooo, Becky! I'll open it at your...at the house."
As soon as Alicia's car pulled up in her drive, Violet and Becky sprinted upstairs with the letter. They crashed onto the bed and Violet tore open the envelope.
It’s been a very long time since I’ve written to you- about three months, I believe. You would have turned twelve last month, wouldn’t you? Happy belated birthday, my love.
Anyway, my news. Well, I got promoted the other day to chief editor! I now work in the area where all the decisions are made about what goes into the magazine- exciting stuff. So, the promotion means I earn quite a bit more than my last job in fashion, so Derek and I decided to get a new bed and some new throws. They’re purple- you would love them! Or maybe that’s just what I imagine you’d love. I named you after the flowers your Dad gave me when I gave birth to you- Violet. Violet Indigo Magenta- what an exotic name!
I often think about you and your Dad, Violet. You probably don’t believe me, but I still love you ever so much. I know you’re pretty angry at me at abandoning you when I did, but I had to go. It...well. I’ll maybe tell you the full story when you are older.
I just keep sending you these letters in the hope that you’ll realise that there IS a mother figure in your life.
All my love, your Mum.
For a moment, everything was completely silent.
"It's your Mum." Becky frowned.
"Yes." Violet said blankly.
"I thought you didn't have a Mum." Becky said.
"Bingo." Violet snorted sardonically.
The room was quiet again. Violet could almost see all her thoughts clouding the room.
I don't have a Mum.
Yes I do.
No I don't.
Well you evidently do.
So why is she writing to you? Furthermore, why were all her letters in a box?
Violet turned the letter over. There was an address.
"She lives in Edinburgh." she said.
"That's not the only thing. Violet, remember when I told you my Daddy ran away to be with someone in Edinburgh?" Becky asked, her eyes excited.
Violet could already see what had happened. "Was your Dad's name Derek?"
"Yeah! Violet...your Mum and my Dad are together...and my Mum and your Dad are together! This is soo cool!"
"Yeah, Becky, not for me." Violet said bitterly.
"Because my Dad hasn't given me these letters. And I'm quite angry at him for that."
Violet stood up abruptly. A large plum stone seemed to be lodged in her throat. She swallowed it, triggering off some tears in the corners of her eyes. She picked up her handbag and headed for the door.
"Where are you going?" Becky asked, anxious.
"I'm going to find my Mum. I've got the address, and she's not that far away." Violet said, returning to Becky's bed. "Becky, it is very important that you don't tell anyone where I'm going."
"Of course!" Becky said, her face grave.
"Which is why I'm coming with you!"
Violet spun round. "WHAT?!"
"Well, how else do you expect me to keep this a secret?" Becky said mischievously, running to her dresser and tossing out a few tops. "Besides. I want to see my Dad."
"Becky, you can't! It's far too dangerous, there are strange men out there-"
Becky stormed up to Violet, her eyes ablaze. "I haven't seen my Dad in five months. You are NOT denying me the chance of seeing him now."
The sight of four- foot Becky frowning furiously almost made Violet laugh. She stood back and watched as Becky dragged out her "Hello Kitty" rucksack and stuffed various tops and skirts into it.
"Okay. You can come." Violet said, as if she had any control over the decision. "There's some space in my bag- put some blankets into it, we'll need them."
Soon, Becky had packed lots of clothes. Violet didn't have anything to change into, but she wasn't bothered- adrenalin had taken over her body and suddenly she didn't care about anything much any more.
"How are we going to get to Edinburgh?" Becky asked.
"I'll...sort it out on the way." Violet sighed, running a hand through her long waves.
Violet quickly scrawled something on a piece of paper and put it on the bed. Becky read it, wrote something else down and replaced it. They then crept down the stairs, opened the front door, ran down the driveway and didn't stop until they reached the end of the street.
The piece of paper on the bed read-
"Gone to see Mum. Violet." and, "Gone to see Dad. Becky."
Mar 14, 11 at 11:26pm ^re: Review Game
Mr.L, the Green-Cloaked Nightmare (Chapter 9 preview)
Spoiler:Chapter 9 Preview
"I knew something was wrong about that Mr.L character" Peach said. Her voice was barely a whisper. "He's killed Mario, and two police officers".
"Princess, he could just be-"
"No! Enough of this Mr.L worship!" she screamed. "He's a monster! A demon!"
She wasn't finished yet. "And those villains behind this, the cowards! When I find them-"
"Cowards?" a voice asked.
"Yes, they are-"
"Retorical question" the voice replied.
A strange figure stepped into the room. Not Mr.L, but a villain. One with serious power. He weilded a golden staff and had an X logo on his chest.
Peach looked the figure over. "I thought we got rid of you" she said. The figure could hear the scared tone of her voice.
"Of course you did" the villain said. He began pacing around the room.
"That's what every hero thinks when they defeat their nemesis". He continued. "I have been humiliated, princess. And partly due to your interference".
"Silence!" the villain shouted. "I am not done just yet". He continued pacing.
"Years, of work, research, experiments, wasted. And to think I was nearly killed..."
"But! That was once a long time ago, in some faraway, washed-up pirate's town. This is a new beginning!" the villain shouted. He waved his staff, and Peach became incased in an energy shield.
"Heeeelp!" she screamed.
"Stop! Stop, I say!" Toadsworth shouted. A bob-omb hit him and he was knocked unconscious. A skinny figure entered the room.
"My hand was-a getting a little-a itchy" the new arrival said. The other villain laughed.
"Excellent work, purple one. Just wait-I'll have us teleported out of here".
See the full chapter in this thread.
Indigoboots, sorry I didn't comment. Very interesting read, wants me to read more.
Mar 16, 11 at 2:34pm ^re: Review Game
drwhatshisface I like it, it's easy to tell that its of Mario and Luigi, maybe a little bit less talking though?
Here is a poem from my poetry thread
Spoiler:A girl who's 16
A girl whos 16
on a date
dress and purse
lipstick and eyliner
in the bathroom
in the bath
knife in hand
mother walks in
screams and cries
calls her daughters friends
tell them the news
no-one can believe
that smiley girl
could do that
no-one can belive
that its true
friends and family
at the funeral
all dressed in black
no-one would've guessed
that it was true
until they saw
And here is a link to my thread to see the rest of my poems Beccy's Brains Poetry
there's always a lighthouse,
there's always a man,
there's always a city
May 9, 11 at 12:51pm ^re: Review Game
That poem, A girl who's 16 was very good. I liked the parts with A girl.
Here's a snippit of my story Street Fighter vs Mortal Kombat where comments are welcomed.
Spoiler:Chapter 3 Preview
As the battle between the warriors of the Street Fighter and Mortal Kombat universes continued, a furious Mileena gets up unmasked and sees Juri walk away from her.
"Hey psycho! I'm not done dancing!" cried Mileena.
A cocky Juri turns around.
"Don't tell me freako, you want another beating? Or, let me guess. You have a school girl crush on me?" Juri mocked Mileena.
Like a wild animal, Mileena leaps towards Juri, ready to sink her fangs into her. Elsewhere, Sakura gets up after a skirmish with one of the Mortal Kombat warriors. After shaking off her dizziness, she sees Ryu, the one person she's interested in, tending to an injured Chun-Li.
"Chun-Li. If anything happens..." Ryu said to Chun-Li.
May 20, 11 at 4:30am ^re: Review Game
I can't say much on an excerpt so short on a topic of video games I rarely played. I can already sense a great story unraveling though. The jealousy, the descriptive fighting, the possible outcomes of mixing the two. This could be a great story, good job.
This is a little thing I just wrote in my spare time, it is not a story or anything like that:
Love, empathy, sympathy, shame, compassion, sorrow, and guilt. All of these feelings are what make us human- they reveal that we have a conscious. However, these feelings also hinder our perception, how we think. When there is a train charging at an unstoppable pace, and there happens to be five adults tied to the rails in its path, what do you do? You have a lever right beside you that will shift the tracks in a different direction, sending the mechanical weapon toward the direction of merely one single child tied to the tracks. What would you do?
That's a hard decision to make for most- five adult lives or one innocent child's life? For me, this question is like asking me what is the bigger number, one or five? I simply pull the lever and let the world "keep on turning". What separates you from me is that I have an anti-social personality disorder that makes me incapable of the aforementioned feelings. I think logically, methodically. Think of me as just being... dehumanized.
Imagine having no conscience whatsoever. No matter what I do or say to anyone, I won't feel even a small glimpse of what guilt, shame, or sympathy are like. Manipulation comes second nature and I use this aptitude as a tool in deceiving all of the gullible people around me that believe I know what remorse really is. Like a great man with a mutual aptitude said, "I can read your mind like a subway map. Shuffle it like a deck of cards."
Hollywood makes it seem that sociopaths (psychopaths) are all rapists, murders, con-artists, or just ruthless criminals. Yes, most of these crimes are associated with a certain extreme of the psychopathic trait, but not all people that share this gift are behind bars. We can just as easily be a lawyer, prosecuting these people without hesitation; a war hero, emotionlessly taking out terrorists one by one; or even a CEO, running a business thanks to our charisma and persuasion abilities.
Just as a color blind person knows when to stop at a traffic light, a sociopath knows when to empathize. Just because we don't feel the same kind of empathy that you do, does not mean that we have no feelings at all. A book I once read referred to it as "warm" empathy being compared to "cold" empathy. Warm, involving feeling; and cold, involving calculation. It is like "reading a map without knowing what any of the symbols mean. You get to where you are going, you just don't care about how," is a rough quote of what the book said.
I can just as easily look at a starving homeless man and imagine what he is feeling like, perhaps in a manner completely different than you, but I can still show empathy if I need to. That's what makes persuading and manipulating others come so natural to me. I am free to show my narcissistic-like confidence, emotionless empathy, hypnotizing charm, innocent eyes, and peppermint cool talking to work my way into your cognitive reasoning center so that you want to give me that check. You trust me. You know I will make you a rich person. I am your best investment. I can do all of this because I don't have to worry about the emotions of guilt, regret, fear, and shame slowing me down.
This is my story...
I actually did incorporate some of this into a story I just created, thanks for the idea Indigoboots.
May 21, 11 at 4:17pm ^re: Review Game
Shadow of Truth- I really liked that, the start sounds like a discursive essay :L It sounds awful but I would probably pull the lever as well :/ It's very good, I thought maybe you should adapt it into something bigger.
So here I am again, posting the cac that spouts out of my mind onto the page. This one is called Hello, Dolly, and this is part of chapter one. It's in the Writer's Lounge if anyone would like to tell me what they think
I hated snapping. Suzie brought me up never to snap at people, and yes, I was annoyed at myself. However, the truth was that I'd been getting snappier and snappier and more and more irritable each day since Suzie left us here. It's been two months now. She's coming back, though. I just know it. I climb up to the cupboard's shelves sometimes at night, and I count sheep and wish on every single one until I fall asleep. I wish that I can see Suzie again, and tell her how much I missed her. However it seems all that wishing on sheep does is send me to sleep!
Kumi began fixing Catolina's hair, whining petulantly throughout.
“It's just not fair, it really isn't. I don't see why I should have to do people's hair when it's CLEARLY your job, Chloe. I mean, I make sure everyone's clothes are nice and perfect for them-”
“Yeah, by trying them on.” Catolina quipped. Kumi slyly yanked her hair.
“HEY! I saw that. My God, you're like a pair of children today.” I sighed and rolled my eyes.
“Sorry, sorry. I'm just a bit hyper today because...” Catolina started excitedly, then bit her lip.
“What?” I asked, intreigued. The normally happy and bouncy Catolina was never one to hold anything back. Her hair was also black, but with a long, red streak. It was usually kept up in a high ponytail. She also had a distinctive mark in the shape of a heart from when Suzie claimed she looked too much like Kumi and fashioned her a birthmark from blue biro. However, Kumi has creamy, ivory skin and Catolina's is chocolate brown, so I'm not sure where the similarity was.
“Nothing.” she insisted, picking at her red skinny jeans.
“Urgh, it's CLEARLY something.” Kumi sighed. “Tell us!”
“Well. Okay. I...I had a dream last night that Suzie came back.”
Everything was sucked out of the room. Heidi looked up from checking her split ends. Kumi dropped her hairbrush, Melissa's knuckles slowly tensed up and I held my breath.
I didn't really want to hear anything about Suzie at the moment. I prefered to save the memories and good times I'd had with her for the nights on the shelf, like a chocolate bar you know that's in the cupboard but you're going to eat it while watching your favourite movie.
“And we went out for an ice cream. And she took me to the flat- you know, the flat I always used to live in.”
“I used to live in a mansion.” Kumi smiled snootily, with a flick of her hair.
“Yes, we know, Kumi. Strangely enough you were always the bitch we ganged up on.” the normally- shy Heidi said with a growl. Kumi took the hint and let Catolina talk.
“And at the end, she said to me...she was never coming back.”
I looked over to Catolina and her head was bowed. She looked broken, as if the dream was reality. “The thing was, we'd had the best of times that day. And in the end, it was ruined because I knew it would never happen again.”
There was a silence, then Heidi spoke up. “Oh, Catolina, use your brains. Just because you had a dream in which Suzie said she wasn't coming...well...just because it happened in a dream doesn't mean it's going to happen in real life.”
I noticed that Heidi couldn't even say what we were all thinking. She's wasn't coming back...
“You're right.” I said cheerily, putting on a front. “We all have to stay positive. I mean, at least we've all got each other! Right?”
“Whoop-dee-doo...” Kumi rolled her eyes sarcastically. Melissa snorted.
“And we've ALL had enough of your bickering tonight, so if you could PLEASE save it for the morning.” I added frostily, brushing the last tug out of Melissa's honey-brown locks a little harder than previously. “It's time for me to head to bed.”
Bed used to be a lovely quilted four-poster, with enough pillows to sink a battleship. I, proud to say, had the second- best bed (second to Kumi, of course. Rich wee cow.). Of course, that all changed when Suzie moved away with her parents and forgot we were here, stuffed at the back of a wardrobe after a slightly more half- hearted and lacklustre game. Except I'm sure she hasn't forgotten. She can't have done, because she loves us. Anyway, bed now is us all five of us sharing one sleeve of an old shirt of Suzie's. It isn't the comfiest, but it suffices.
One by one the other girls followed me- Heidi, Melissa, Kumi and Catolina. None of us stayed up and chatted that night because we were all, in our own little ways, begging for Suzie to return.
Dash the Stampede
total posts: 17435
since: Aug 2003
May 23, 11 at 8:55pm ^re: Review Game
Really was liking the start of this here. Loved how right away it had something drawing me in (beginning's are important to me) and revealed something about the character alongside started painting me a picture of world dealing with. Even line about her just leaving I felt set-up story right away with making me raise question such as who this women is or why she left. My inquisitive side was already sparked, so that's great there.
I enjoyed the way you weaved narrative, dialogue, and action together as well. You've a pretty good handle on first person from what I can see so far. Actually feel like getting a feel for your character and has a sense of personality there so far.
I took this piece from my Grandmaster of Theft series. Since I'm writing chapters all over depending what scene I feel like producing, one of earliest I've done is the final scene of 1st story in trilogy. The basic concept deals with protagonist Cassidy Cain seeking to reveal truth behind phantom thief Deus (As in Dyeus from Latin, like Deus Ex).
Excerpt from origin story, Genesis. Read this and more of the light novel here.
“They’re out there, you know?” I muttered while keeping my eyes out on the blackened skies.
“Those who will always find ways to escape their punishments. It’s not just Deus. It doesn’t matter their status, there are plenty who try to evade the law. Justice will never truly reach them.” I pounded my clinched fist into the leather seat no different than if it were a gavel. “It’s…it’s infuriating…”
“I know, I know. It’s not worth getting worked up over. There’s not a thing we can do. Wouldn’t matter anyway if we could, there is no meaning to anything at all, in the end.”
Was that true? Was there really nothing at all? That’s an answer I could never…no…would never accept. People like Gale and Rae didn’t have it wrong about wanting to serve justice. Still, neither Rebecca nor Wynn was incorrect either. There just HAD to be a solution of some kind. I knew it. With the problem before me, I reached forward to my mini fridge and drew out the box from within. The miniature wooden box was designed to appear akin to treasure chest of old. Clasping on, I opened it up to reveal the precious gold within: Chocoins. I anxiously peeled the shimmering wrapper to free the chocolate within. There’s nothing as satisfying as a Chocoin. Ever since I was young, I enjoyed the heavenly jolt it sent through me with each bite and support it gives in keeping my mind in accord as I think. While chewing my third Chocoin, my thoughts took shape.
“Grandfather once taught me something. He told me that when facing someone honorable, be honorable. When facing those who play dirty, play dirty…” An exhilarating, fierce bolt pierced down from the clouds off in the distance.
“Cass,” he skeptically responded, “where are you going with this?”
“You know what’s just as revolting as the scum who commit crimes?” I paused for a moment to let the question linger. It was so silent that I could hear my heartbeat quickening. “Those who are inactive against it. In fact, it is hypocritical if I didn’t do anything!” A majestic thunder boomed in the background, sending a shiver through the vehicle itself. “Wynn, I have an idea.”
“I’m almost afraid to ask, but I’m listening.”
“You said it yourself: Everything is without meaning. Well, that’s partially true. It’s not that everything is meaningless…it’s just that one has to give meaning to it themselves. As you said, that’s all they did with laws. If those laws won’t bring justice, I reject them. And I’ll surpass them. I’ll decide for myself what I believe is good and evil. Since scum like Deus and others have no issues making their own rules, neither shall I. It’s like the saying goes: It takes a thief to catch a thief. If that’s the case, I can be just that thief.”
Wynn burst into a loud laugh. I was baffled; what was so humorous? While I knew it brazen of me to say such things, I truly meant it. A Cain never expresses anything they won’t devote themselves to. The limo pulled into Cain Manor; I could see my marvelous, beautiful home off in the distance. First, we’d have to park though. He followed the route into the underground parking space beneath my home. The bullets of rain ceased and two of us stepped out. The illuminating glow of ceiling took the place of what little sun was out.
“Never a dull moment with you, Cass.” He headed to the nearby stairway which would lead up into the house. I couldn’t wait to get an answer though, to prove that I was serious. If Father or Mother knew of this idea, they’d forbid it. Wynn, however, would support me through anything.
WARNING: This story is about a thief! Give her the chance and she'll steal your time.
Oct 7, 12 at 3:47pm ^re: Review Game
A very late response but an attempt at resurrecting a thread that could do this forum some good justice.
Overall I enjoyed reading that excerpt from your story, Dash. I was a bit confused with the names and the section itself, but I'll have to go over and check out your thread to get the full story and to understand it a bit clearer. Apologies for my confusion, but I'm only working with what you have in this thread. I thought it definitely left me with a mysterious mood and did a fabulous job at hooking me to want to know more. I thought the "beautiful home" and the "bullet rain" and the "I'm better than the law" screamed Batman, but again, I've only read the little that is in this thread. I think it was a pretty dark and mysterious beginning to what will hopefully be a better read. Sorry for such a late response with this; not sure if you're even working on this story given my response is so late. I'd like to read more of that story, though!
quote JustinChapter one of something I'm (somewhat) working on right now.
Oct 9, 12 at 6:04am ^re: Review Game
Totally going to abuse the fact I posted in your other thread Justin to hijack this thread if nobody else responds
RIP Sniggit, Zhou Tai Rocks & Vergil Ties
Oct 9, 12 at 12:37pm ^re: Review Game
Since Celes Leonhart did not post a comment to your story Justin, I'll do it. ^^
To be honest with you, it was very vague for a first chapter. If I had to guess anything it was either soemthing with time-traveling or somesort of dream. I loved the writing style though, it's pretty detailed and a clear way of writing. But to be true, it was more of a chapter you expect later in a story since it basically jumps off at something I cannot fathom. If it all gets clarified later on in the story I'd like to read more.
as for a part of my story, I know my wrting style isn't super detailed and has some dialogue writing in it. ^^
Spoiler:Chapter 15: The Hurricane's Retribution - Spirit Warriors
John got out his Fiery Katana which blazed with the force of a volcano, the torrential rains could not extinquish the flames. Bardzecki changed his iron gloves into giant iron claws and the two started their fight.
John was able to keep up with the reasonably wounded Bardzecki. David's blood was slowly being washed off of his face but his evil grin stayed. Bardzecki stopped his Spirit Transformation and trapepd John with iron but the heat emitting from his body melted the iron and in a quick strike he managed to slash Bardzecki, ripping his shirt in half and he was now showijg the minor slash in his muscular body as he ripped off his hirt and throws it into the strong winds. Bardzecki disappeared into the floor of the carrier and he grabbed John's feet as he came out of it, but John quit his Spirit Transformation and grabbed Bardzecki's iron gloves and started trying to combust it which slowly melted the gloves and it was burning Bardzecki's hand until he let go. Bardzecki dropped his gloves and showed his burned hands. An explosion occured and 1 out of 4 rotors stopped spinning which lowered that part of the carrier slightly.
Bardzecki: I need to finish you off fast!
John went into a rampage on Bardzecki and Bardzecki was forced to defend himself with steel plates and he tried to cut John with them. John slashed the plates but slipped and fell on the ground. Bardzecki jumped on his chest with his giant rubber boots and broke a few of John's ribs and John grabbed his boots and used combustion to melt them and Bardzecki backed off and he lifted a part of the floor of the carrier to shoots small sharp iron particles towards John but he used an incinerating fire shield to block it and a few broken pipes were left behind Bardzecki. Bardzecki used the giant rotor of the broken one and launched it towards John but John managed to dodge it and created aflame geiser under Bardzecki which he could not completely evade and burned one of his legs. The wounds on his arm were still bleeding pretty heavily. John send out another flamethrower burning his abdomen and he jumped back near the wretched plate with the broken pipes sticking out of it. Bardzecki charged at John taking a metal plate as a shield and John tried to slash it but he disappeared into the iron. John barely managed to evade a steel frame coming from beneath him and when Bardzecki jumped out of it he kicked him which caused him to fall. John tried to finish off Bardzecki but he rolled away and send small iron particles to pierce John but John managed to avoid a fatal wound and send a huge flamethrower towards Bardzecki. Barzecki evade by jumping at the wretched plate but John send another flamethrower. Bardzecki's attempt to dodge failed and he slipped and fell on the wretched plate. Three broken pipes pierced his body, mortally wounding him. John walked towards him to end it but Bardzecki said "Stop!".
Bardzecki: I-I-I... Cannot fight anymore... These wounds mean my end.
and another engine exploded causing a second rotor blade to stop.
Bardzecki: One more and the carrier will crash into sea.
Bardzecki still managed to get up and walked towards the edge of the carrier as his blood was washed away by the torrential rains. Bardzecki sat on the edge and started to mumble about something.
Bardzecki: Y-you gave me shelter when I was cast out... You taught me how to be strong and how to take down my enemies... I hope I have settled my debt to you and that I have served you well... My king...
And Bardzecki took his last breath and died, his death caused his body to lean forward and fall off of the carrier into the deep dark abyss created by the hurricane into the ocean with lightning bolts showing his body as it fell down. John fell down in pain because of his broken bones and wounds as a third engine exploded and the carrier started to crash. Kalin, Laura, Andimar and Jin came from the stairway. Kalin picked up John and used his Ice Wings to stay airborne as Andimar had to pick up Jin because of the rain with his Ice Wings. Laura made created Air Wings and the group flew away as fast as possible not being able to salvage David's body. The carrier crashed into the sea below and exploded as it was swallowed by the ocean. The group landed on a small island to temporarely shelter temselves from the rain and the wind. Suddenly an menacing feeling struck the group, as if something terrible had happened elsewhere in the world.
Meanwhile, in a cave on Easter Island...
A man levitated into the cave using psychic powers and arrived in a bigger room. A cloaked man with a golden bird mask stood in the room.
???: My king, I bring you some bad news.
Masked Man: What is it, Commander Muller?
Commander Muller: Just over an hour ago, a group of Spirit Users took down Commander Bardzecki.
Masked Man: It was about time... When I gave him the mission to keep a diversion for years, I did not say he should go destroy half the world. Oh, well... It was my choice to unleash the mad dog, but the fact that someone took him down is quite surprising.
Commander Muller: Indeed, that is why I am reporting it to you.
Masked Man: For now it all worked, I have absorbed the Main Earth Spirit and soon I will have the other 11 Main Spirits as well.
The very next day, a boat came by and picked up the group and took them to Miami. John spend 3 days in the hospital and was then transferred home, to Dawson. David gained a memorial in both Dawson as the Spirit Union HQ in Shanghai but for John it wasn't enough as the actual body of David was not found and so there was nothing to bury, an empty grave in the woods of Dawson. For now the five went they're own ways as John had to finish his last year of school as he missed it because of his training with Jin.
End of Chapter 15...
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