Infinity's posts in "Anne in Ellabur (ratted T for mild nutdity sp?) story is finshed." - Creative Writing

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Infinity Turn to stone ~ "Lights" by E.G. no-stoppin-me-now total posts: 220 since: Jun 2011	Apr 09, 12 at 2:41pm ^ re: Anne in Ellabur (ratted T for mild nutdity sp?) story is finshed.
	Log in to remove this sponsored message Honestly (and please don't be offended by this), but it just isn't good. There's really no description at all, and the story is also boring because of this. Also, when you do flashbacks, there's no need to label it as a flashback. Just italicize it and leave clues in the flashback of in the text before and after it that can allow readers to infer that it is a flashback. The plot is really rushed I feel. And I think that if you maybe added a twist that differs from Sleeping Beauty, it could really become a bit more intriguing. Since your story relies heavily on the tale, it just seems like a familiar story that everybody has already read. Adding twists and turns to the plot- maybe even mix in elements from other fairytales- will greatly enhance the story. Your dialogue also seems a bit forced. Like you aren't really feeling the emotions of the character. As a result, it just seems kind of cheesy and fake. I will be the first to admit that I'm not a huge fan of the whole play format, so I think if you would rewrite this in regular book form, I would be able to more easily enjoy it. NOTE**: Please do not read this and take it as me being mean and "hating on" your writing piece. I am simply trying to give you tips to help you improve as a writer. I can relate to the rushing of the plot since that is something that I myself am trying to work on as a writer. I hope you find my feedback useful! If you have any questions about what I have said, just comment and tag me with the @ sign and then Infinity. (If you didn't already know how to do that) ------------------- Snow White & The Huntsman
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Infinity Turn to stone ~ "Lights" by E.G. no-stoppin-me-now total posts: 220 since: Jun 2011	Apr 11, 12 at 5:05pm ^ re: Anne in Ellabur (ratted T for mild nutdity sp?) story is finshed.
	quote Nancydective quote Honestly (and please don't be offended by this), but it just isn't good. There's really no description at all, and the story is also boring because of this. Is there anything good about it? Are you sure there is no description since I did describe, 1)the trees where Anne is jogging, 2)what deb looks like, 3)what the cottage room looks like (its magical). and I think I described what Place description: description 1 quote Outside the building colorful leaves of autumn fell on her head as Anne jogged through the town, her red hair flowing behind her in the wind. As she jogged, the leaves cracked and crumbled under her feet on the very less used street . describtion 2: quote Fighting her way out of the sewer, Anne looked around her. She had ended up near two dainty little cottages on either side of her. Both looked cozy and friendly. She saw in the distance a very large and aged castle peaking out of the hills beyond. It’s walls were a dank grey from what she could see and their were statues in the front that from here looked as if they were hardly human. She turned around and was shocked to find behind her and the cute little cottages and sad, dead forest. The trees were bared and had a look of complete despair to them. description 3 In the room they entered there was books scattered everywhere,dirty dishes still on the table and an unmade bed. . character describtion: quote The little fairy had small, shining transparent wings on her back and lovely flowing gown. Her short, brown hair blew slightly in the wind quote and then comes into view a long blue robe with a matching pointy hat and a white beard and Chapter 2: Deep beneath the ground in a room, a man sat with a big book to his left and a cauldron to his right and potions brewing. In the room, voodoo dolls are in every nook and cranny. The man in his dark robe, as black as the shadows that surround him, was peering into a crystal ball on the table at which he sat with a raven at his side. there are twists that make the story different from SB 1)Its a prince in hiding 2)the "true love's kiss" is not their first kiss but their 2nd one (gives it more meaning I mean a sleeping person wouldn't be able to experience their kiss if its there first one if they're asleep?) and 3)there's prophecy (last time I checked most well-known fairytales don't have prophecies). Wow, you really misunderstood me. I didn't mean there no description at all (even though I technically said that). There was just very little, so I just was suggesting that you add more.And with the twists, those were just minor details. I thought you needed a huge twist that would pretty much completely change the storyline from the fairytale. Take the show Once Upon a Time for example. If you haven't seen that show, its about all of the fairytale creatures being trapped living in the real world in a town without remembering who they are. On that show, instead of Little Red Riding Hood facing the wolf, she actually is the wolf, and particularly a werewolf. Her red cloak prevents her from changing into the wolf. That is something that completely separates it from the fairytale with a new twist that had never been thought of before. That's all I meant by it. Oh, and another thing to help you out. Next time pay attention to feedback because authors tend to be biased toward their own work, and don't be so defensive. Actually listen to and absorb what I am telling you, so you can improve as a writer. Outsiders' opinions can be very helpful in allowing you to see and fix the flaws with your story. ------------------- Snow White & The Huntsman
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Infinity Turn to stone ~ "Lights" by E.G. no-stoppin-me-now total posts: 220 since: Jun 2011	Apr 12, 12 at 2:46pm ^ re: Anne in Ellabur (ratted T for mild nutdity sp?) story is finshed.
	quote Nancydective Ever since the movie "Enchanted" with Amy Adams? Mine is reversal of that movie. A woman from the modern world goes to a fantasy world. Which there is a prince in hiding but he doesn't know he's a prince. There is an evil ruler ruling the prince's rightful kingdom. There's is a magical phropchey surrounding it all" " and there are twists if you would just LOOK. 1)its a prince.. not a princess in hiding 2)the kiss isn't there first kiss. and 3) there is a PROPHCHERY. Too me those are major details, espically the prophchery. I guess I could have Layla reveal while helping Anne (like giving her the dress deb made) that she is the voice Anne heard. and what other descriptions do I need? I don't want to over-do descriptions. what do you mean by 'play format"? I thought it was in a book format. Since in books there is also a line between two (or more) people talking. I absolutely love that movie, btw... I understand that you do have twists, but I don't think they're big enough. That one you said about Layla sounds good though! There's not any specific descriptions you need to add; it's just that it needs to be added. Like here: quote Nancydective Outside the building colorful leaves of autumn fell on her head as Anne jogged through the town, her red hair flowing behind her in the wind. As she jogged, the leaves cracked and crumbled under her feet on the very less used street . Amid the crackling, she heard an unfamiliar voice come from behind her. You could put something like this: "When Anne left the building, she was met with the sight of the colorful leaves that had flowed in with autumn falling down all around her. Some managed to tumble onto her head which was blanketed with red hair as she began to move her legs faster and faster until finally reaching a comfortable pace to jog at. As she jogged, leaves cracked and crumbled as her toes landed atop them. She looked around as she ran and noticed how deserted the street appeared to be, so she came to the conclusion that it was a street less traveled. She continued to run, and her speed quickened as she went. Then, she was brought to a sudden halt as above the crackling of the leaves, she was able to hear a barely audible and certainly unfamiliar voice echo from behind her." ^^If you do something like that in most of your paragraphs, the story will be much easier to read and enjoy. As to the play format, I say that because of the way that you change the setting by putting stuff like in the cottage or something like that. Also, the way you do your dialogue is in play format with the character's name and then a colon, like if Anne is talking, you put "Anne:" and then put what she says. And Celes Leonhart, thanks. ------------------- Snow White & The Huntsman
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