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Sep 12, 10 at 11:39pm ^re: Schizophreak [COMPLETED!]
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Cerulean: YOU can be my editor if I decide to publish this XD Bleeding Rose has offered to publish this for me (lawl?) in a few years (lawl again? dunno if she was joking tbh). maybe we can all be a team!
leotaylor92: so do i >__< I honestly have to say the idea randomly came to me, well, not randomly, I was thinking of what would have caused Alyx's schizophreakia, and rape seemed like a good idea. Tyler as the one who did it was the part that came to me just like that *snap*
XxAlexxxs <-- did I get your name right? I think i did. XD thank you, and yeah, these things always seem to happen at parties huh? The buddy system was there at the beginning of the party between Alyx and Autumn, but it broke up...o: and thank you so very much, the mind of a diamond? d'awwww <3
Im NOT Insane: So you feel like Alyx is a real person and you want to help her? YES! That was what I was aiming for! XD thank you, but I have bad news for all of you...I have terrible writer's block. So I don't know when the next chapter will be coming up. I was on a roll, that last chapter was 19 pages and over 10,000 words, so...maybe I need a break? I don't know how long it'll take..
I just wanted to thank you all, all of you guys commenting are seriously the best! <3 I can't wait to make your thank you video, all of your names will be mentioned somewhere in it. I wish I could make it now, but this isn't done yet (maybe 3/4 done? The end will be in maybe ten chapters...) so I can't do that. Thank you all so much, thank you, thank you, thank you, I love you all so much <3 Schizophreak is getting WAY more attention than it deserves! All of you, every single person that has commented in this thread, you rock! Even if you commented once or whenever I update, you're still awesome. Thank you all so much, I can't thank any of you enough!
edit: Also, if you have any questions for me about myself or this novel, you can ask them here or over PM, or over msn if you have me on it (You can ask if you want it), and I'll answer it in the thank you video. :3
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|Im NOT insane||
Sep 13, 10 at 2:49am ^re: Schizophreak [COMPLETED!]
Awww... Stupid writers block. Well, that chapter was very informative, and after very long chapters, I understand how hard it'll be to pull out another.
HECK YES!! Alyx seems very real to me, and sometimes makes me feel sorry for the bad experiences she's had.
This story makes my cry, laugh, go ballistically insane (Which I try not to do, but it happens anyway), and makes me feel like I actually have schizophrenia (which I thought I may have had, but I don't hear voices, I laugh for hours on end, and nothing is really funny. Plus, when one of the laughing fits start, and something is actually funny, I practically go crazy. ).
I hope some sort of idea flows into your head sometime soon.
Stupid writer's block, go away!!!!!
Im NOT Insane
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Sep 17, 10 at 3:18pm ^re: Schizophreak [COMPLETED!]
I really enjoyed this story. Not only for your fantastic writing, but because I can relate to her with voices.
I don't have Schizophrenia, but Auditory Hallucination Disorder, where I also have voices(actually just one voice but..) so of course reading this story just felt kind of, uhm.. I don't have a way to describe it, actually!
But I loved this story very much, hope to see much more writing from you~
I may have not commented, but I've read this story all the way through. And I can't wait for new chapters 8D
your acting like garfield on a monday
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Sep 18, 10 at 8:51am ^re: Schizophreak [COMPLETED!]
Aww, stupid writer's block.
I'm so loving this story!
Yeah, its very true what you're saying,
It seems so real.
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|Im NOT insane||
Sep 21, 10 at 5:28pm ^re: Schizophreak [COMPLETED!]
Go away writers block!! Come back new chapters!!!!!!!!! Please??!?
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Sep 23, 10 at 11:35pm ^re: Schizophreak [COMPLETED!]
Thank you, Lullabye! Wow, AHD? That sounds pretty interesting...if you want to tell me about it, go ahead and PM me. I'm very interested in these kinds of things and it might even help me develop Alyx's character even more! Thank you everyone else, thank you times a billion!!!!!!! I cannot thank you enough. I don't deserve all of you. I don't deserve all of you reading my work...honestly, I'm going to say all of your comments, everyone, is my favorite thing so far.
It's actually my birthday today (Wish me a happy birthday? ), but I decided to try and continue writing this chapter. Technically on birthdays, you receive presents, but I decided to give a present. I'm so sorry for the writer's block, it's only happened once writing Schizophreak. :/ I don't get WB very often so it was pretty weird. The chapter's not too horrible, though...but it's not as good as the rest, so bear with me. I just wanted to say thank you once again, I don't deserve all of you...I feel so spoiled! Why is Schizophreak getting so much attention? This is unbelievable! XD I love you guys!!!!!!
twenty-three ~ friend
credit to Social_Disaster from deviantArt
On Monday, we present our Psychology videos to the classes. Our group gets an A. The next class after that, I check my paper bag and find five notes, four complimenting my acting, and one asking me if I'm schizophrenic.
* * *
At lunch that day, when Collin and I are listening to my iPod in the cafeteria, someone else sits at our table. I look up and see Ashley. I say hi and take out my earbud, which I give to Collin. He continues rocking out to Avenged Sevenfold.
“Hey, Alyx,” Ashley says. “Can I sit here?”
“Sure,” I reply. “What's up? Don't you usually sit with Ashleigh and her friends?”
“Ashleigh isn't here today and I don't really think I fit in with her friends,” Ashley replies with a laugh. She takes out her lunch from her paper bag: a sandwich, a plastic bag of popcorn and a juicebox. I remember that I haven't even eaten yet, so I pick up my plastic fork and take a bite out of the school's macaroni and cheese plate. I can kind of taste it.
“No one ever sits with us,” I say, “but you're welcome to sit here whenever you want.”
“Thanks. So, Alyx, how were your classes so far today?” Ashley pokes a hole in her juice box with the pointy end of the straw.
“Good, I guess. I'm glad everyone seemed to like our video on Monday,” I answer. At the mention of our Psychology video, Collin looks up, presses the pause button on the iPod and takes out the earbuds. He wraps them around the iPod and hands it to me.
“Our video was awesome!” he says. “You did such a great job, Alyx! I can't believe we got an A!”
“I think we deserved it,” says Ashley after sucking her straw for a second. “I don't mean to sound like a bitch, but we put a lot of work into it. I actually love researching things like schizophrenia. I like how the minds of the mentally ill work.”
The mentally ill. Is that what I am? Mentally ill? I thought I was simply crazy. “They work in really interesting ways,” I contribute, as if I am a totally normal kid. “They can ramble on for a long time about the most random or crazy stuff possible. Kind of like people with Asperger's syndrome, but with a more twisted mind.”
“Disorganized schizophrenia, right?” Ashley asks, remembering our video.
“Not just that, but it happens to other schizophrenics,” I inform her.
“Oh, true.” She takes a bite of her sandwich. Collin eats his. I eat a few forkfuls of my macaroni and cheese, take a bite of my brownie. After two minutes, Ashley looks at me again. “Hey, Alyx?”
“I was wondering if you wanted to hang out with me after school today. I don't know what we'd do, really, but I don't have much homework, so...Yeah. Want to hang out with me after school? Hey, Collin, you can come too, if you'd like. I could ask Bruce to come along.”
“Oh, I'd really like to, but I have a doctor's appointment right after school, at three-thirty. Sorry Ashley, Alyx.” Collin smiles apologetically.
My heart skips a beat. Ashley wants to hang out with me? Really? Reallyreallyreally?
Seven: Kill her.
Seventy: Yes, Alyx, she wants to hang out with you. Are you deaf or something? Idiot.
One Hundred: Don't do it. Say no say no say no. Ashley's father will be there and he'll do the same thing that Tyler did to you the night of party. You don't want that to happen, do you?
Nine: One Hundred, don't give Alyx a heart attack. Alyx, go. Go ahead, have fun with Ashley. This is an opportunity for you to make a second friend here at school, you know. She's a nice girl, maybe you can tell her what's wrong with you.
Nine is being nice to me. That's a first. I look at Ashley and nod, forcing my lips to curl upwards in a smile. “That sounds great, Ashley,” I say. “I can hang out today.”
“Really? Awesome! Where's your locker?”
“Number one-hundred-fifty-six, it's upstairs near the Languages department.”
“I think I can find it,” Ashley says, looking thoughtful. “I'll see you after school, then.”
“Okay, great,” I reply, my heart pounding rapidly, still recovering from the surprise.
“Crap, I just realized that my History teacher wanted to talk to me at lunch for an assignment I missed! I'll see you later, Alyx! Bye, Collin!” Ashley stuffs the last of her lunch in her paper bags, pushes her chair in and power-walks out of the cafeteria. I look down at my lunch and let out a noise I don't have a name for. It's a sigh out of my mouth, so I guess it must count for something.
“Wow,” I say. “Just wow.”
“Wow what, Alyx?” Collin asks, picking up his can of Fruitopia.
“I can't believe it, Collin! Did that really happen? Did it?”
“Yes, Alyx. Ashley just asked you to hang out after school and you said okay.”
I blink. I grin. “Collin, you know what this means? This is the first time this year somebody other than you has asked me to hang out. I hope that didn't offend you because I didn't mean to if it did, but...I'm just so happy!” I squeal and even hug Collin, in spite of myself.
Collin hugs me back. “I'm happy for you, Alyx. It's the first time in a long time, huh?”
I nod. “Yes. I haven't had a girl friend since...since last year. Since I came to this school it's only been you as my only friend. Not that I'm not happy with that, it's just...you know...I've kind of been wanting a friend who's a girl. To...I don't know, shop with and stuff.”
Collin nods back at me. “I understand, Alyx. You know, having a girl for a best friend is kind of weird, when you're a guy. I hang out with Jacob sometimes, and he's pretty cool—” Jacob is in the Chess Club and a few of Collin's classes “—and we do guy stuff together, but he's just my friend. He's not as cool as you are.”
I lightly punch Collin in the arm. He's sucking up to me, I know. “Yeah. Thanks.”
* * *
When the last bell rings, I walk out of the change room in the gym and head out into the hallways. I squish through huge clusters of idiots who think it's appropriate to hang out in the middle of the hallway where people are supposed to walk to find their classrooms/lockers. I find my way to the Languages hallway, turn left at the corner, and I am at my locker. I don't see Ashley yet, so I put my things away, dry-swallow an anti-psychotic pill that I have to take after school, choke on it and take a gulp of water from the nearby fountain.
I put my Psychology and French binders in my backpack, along with my pencil case since I have homework, put on my coat and hat, and wait. After a minute, I spot Ashley. She is wearing a hat with earflaps, a trench coat, and carrying her bookbag. Her (blonde) hair sticks out from under the hat. “Alyx!” she yells, waving. I walk over to her and wave.
“Hi,” I say.
“What did you just have?”
“I had Art, then Gym.”
“I just had Science and History. Bleh. I like Science itself, as a subject, but our teacher is so crappy. Our other one was so nice, but she was pregnant and she had her baby. Our substitue is like Ms. Carter. Oh, god, I hate her. She's like, bipolar. She thinks she's so great but she's always eating those freaking granola bars and rushing into class late like 'Hi, children, oh my golly gosh I'm so sorry I'm late get out your work hey student don't laugh there is no laughing in this class!' She's such a bitch!”
I laugh. “You have her first thing in the morning on day one, huh?”
“Yes! I should have tried to transfer in September when I had the chance!” Ashley shakes her head, and we enter the stairwell. “I'm supposed to be taking standard math, but the bitch thinks it's the advanced class for some reason. She has no patience for us, yet we have to spend an hour and fifteen minutes with her first thing in the morning, listening to her whining about her freaking chocolate cupcakes!”
I laugh again and nod my head. “I have her second period on day ones. She talks about her cupcakes, too. 'Oh my golly gosh, I was craving chocolate cupcakes, so I bought a pack and blah blah blah and I had eight chocolate cupcakes the past week!' Oh my god, she's so stupid!”
Ashley laughs this time, and we are downstairs near the front doors. We head for our bus, then Ashley stops in her tracks. “Wait,” she says. “Do you want to go to my house or should we go to your house?”
“Do we have any other options?” I ask. “It's not really cold out today.”
“Well, I think there's a baseball diamond nearby, and a park right near that,” Ashley answers. “We could go there if you'd want to.”
“That sounds good.”
We head off the school property, through the snow, and trudge towards the forest which, according to Ashley, has a path which leads to the park and baseball diamond. Ashley starts talking again, sending puffs of (white) from her mouth into the air. “Oh my god, Alyx, Bruce asked me out.”
“Did he really?” I ask, trying to sound interested. The talk of boys makes me queasy, especially after telling Collin about That Party.
“Yeah! I actually kind of had a crush on him since October. When school started I just kind of looked at him a lot and thought he was really, you know, good-looking. Then in October I finally started liking him. I loved working with him for our Psychology projects. He's so cute, don't you think? Today I checked my paper bag in Psychology class and I found a note that said 'Ashley, I'm too shy to ask you this in person. I think we should be boyfriend and girlfriend.' And he signed it! I know it's his handwriting because I sit beside him and oh my god, I'm so excited!”
“That's great, Ashley,” I say. “So, do you have to ask your parents if you can go on this date?”
“Yeah, but I'm sure my mom or dad will say yes. I talked to Bruce in the hallway during lunch after I met with my history teacher and he asked me if I wanted to see that new movie that came out this weekend, so I said yes, but I'd have to ask my parents first.” Ashley grins.
“Is it your first date?”
“No, actually. Freshman year, I kind of had a boyfriend. His name's Ken Hart. He moved to California in March of that year, though, so we broke up, I guess. We went on a lot of dates but we didn't have sex or anything. Not like people should start having sex in the ninth grade, but you know what I mean.”
“You can still like or love someone without having sex,” I point out, trying not to stutter.
Eighty-five: Sexsexsexsexsex. No, wait. Raperaperaperaperape. Now, a sing-song voice. You got raped, you got raped! Rape rape rape rape raaaaped!
“Shut up,” I mutter.
“What?” Ashley raises an eyebrow.
“Not you, sorry,” I say. I roll my eyes and reach for my backpack. “It's just my phone vibrating. Probably just my mom, no big deal.” I reach into my backpack and pretend to click off a phone. I “toss” it to the bottom of my backpack, zip it closed and sling it over my shoulder. “You were saying?”
“I know you can like someone without having sex, but we were obviously too young for it. I liked Ken, a lot. We kissed, we held hands in the halls and sat beside each other when we had classes together.” Ashley shrugs. “But he moved, so...I stayed single for the rest of freshman and sophomore year. I met Bruce last year, he was in a few of my classes. I thought he was just the cutest guy ever! But—hey, what about you, Alyx? Do you think any guys at our school are cute?”
By now, we have reached the baseball diamond. The park is about a hundred yards away. “Not exactly,” I say. “I'm not really the...relationship type of person.”
“What about Collin? He likes you a ton, you know. He told me he really likes you and he thinks you're the prettiest girl he's ever seen.” Ashley cocks her head to the side. “And he's right. You should fix your hair a bit, though. Maybe dye it purple?”
“I only like Collin as a friend,” I explain. “I know he likes me, but I don't know why. He doesn't believe me when I say I'm a terrible person.” I shrug helplessly.
She gasps. “Alyx, as far as I know, you are not a terrible person!” She pauses. “Then again, we don't really know each other too well. I don't know much about you, you don't know much about me. We're still acquaintances, but I think we can be good friends. I'm pretty good at—no, if I say that, that will make me sound conceited.”
I crack a smile. “My only friend at school is Collin. I really don't mind having a new friend. I'm not good with people, but I'm...working on that, I guess.”
“You're only friend is Collin? Really? Wow.” Ashley gives a whistle, and we head for the swings of the abandoned park. The sky is cloudy now, and the bare trees in the distance make this area look spooky. “You two are pretty good friends, though, so I guess that's okay. You don't mind him having Asperger's?”
“Not really,” I say. “I don't mind that he talks a lot. We're a pretty dysfunctional pair of friends, if I say so myself.”
“What makes you say that? You look pretty normal to me.”
Ashley is quiet. She cannot define “normal.” Nobody can, actually. Even I don't know what “normal” means. I hear a rustling sound in my head, like one of Them is looking through a dictionary. I hear one of them murmuring...n...no...nor...norm...
Seventeen: Normal: According to rule, principle or norm; conforming with a certain type or standard; not abnormal; regular.
My feet push me off the ground and I start swinging on the swing while Ashley is still pondering the definition of normal. I close my eyes and breathe through my nose. Ashley finally replies. “I guess I can't define normal. Sorry, Alyx.”
I smirk. “I can tell you this, Ashley. I am not your average teenager.”
She blinks at me. “Are you a vampire?” she asks.
I stop swinging and stare at her. “Excuse me?”
“I hope this doesn't offend you, but you're kind of peculiar,” she says. “Are you like, one of those vampires from Twilight?”
“I don't know what a Twilight is,” I say.
She laughs. “It's a book and it has its own series,” she explains. “It's about this human girl who falls in love with a vampire, except humans aren't supposed to know about his family's vampire background and stuff. It's a pretty intense series. I could lend the books to you, if you want.”
“It sounds pretty stupid, but okay,” I reply.
“The books aren't stupid!” Ashley is horrified.
“If you say so.”
She stops swinging, and reaches over to grab her backpack. She takes out a small box and a lighter. I raise my eyebrow. I never knew Ashley was the type to smoke. Interesting. She lights up a cigarette and puts one end into her mouth. “Want one?” she asks, exhaling smoke.
I nod. “I never thought you'd be the type to smoke.”
“The more you know. Do you smoke?”
“Occasionally,” I say, which is true. I have a pack of Dad's cigarettes and a lighter in my room, which no one knows about. I light up and inhale carbon monoxide and other chemicals that will give me lung cancer. “My parents don't know, but my sister does. Not like she'll tell anyone. I think she's starting to smoke, too, because her teeth are terrible. She hangs out with these eighth-grade whores.”
Ashley laughs. “My sister is such a nerd. She'd never do half the shit I've done.”
“What kind of things have you done?” I ask, flicking the ashes into the mix of sand and snow.
“Well, I smoke. I've smoked weed, taken ecstasy—just one little pill—almost got hit by a bus, keyed a totally random person's car, drank a ton of beer at a house party last year, you get the point.”
I nod. “Impressive.”
“Have you done anything rebellious, Alyx?” Ashley asks, exhaling a smoke ring.
I nod. “I smoke, I've cut myself, I've ran into a busy street, I've been in the hospital a bunch of times, I've driven without a license—I might get a permit soon, though—I've drank at a house party.” I don't mention
Ashley stares at me. The ashes are piling up on her cigarette. “You cut yourself? You've ran out into a busy street? You've been in the hospital? You've attempted suicide? Alyx, what the f-ck is wrong with you?!”
I flick my cigarette again and pop it in my mouth. I take a long inhale, then exhale. “You want to know what's wrong with me?” Ashley doesn't do anything, so I take that as a yes. “All right, get ready for this. You probably won't believe me, but I'm schizophrenic.”
Ashley stares at me again for half a minute. Then, she blinks and inhales smoke. She exhales, opens her mouth, then closes it. I'm contemplating whether to tell her more about my condition, but she finally speaks. “Wow.”
I nod. I toss my finished cigarette to the ground and smash it with my boot. “Catatonic.”
“Catatonic schizophrenia. Wow.” Ashley hands me another cigarette, even though I haven't asked. I light myself up and she says, “I thought you were just acting when we made that video. I never considered you having schizophrenia.”
“The more you know,” I quote. “I was diagnosed with it last year, in June. I started showing symptoms when tenth grade started.”
“Do you know what might have caused it?” Ashley lights another cigarette for herself.
I look down. I know her enough to tell her I'm crazy, but I can't tell her what happened at the party. “Genetics, probably,” I say. “A couple of my grandparents have it. So did their fathers. Women are more likely to show signs in their twenties, but I guess I just got unlucky.”
Ashley exhales smoke through her nose. “So what kind of things go on in your head?” she asks.
“I hear voices. I have more than one hundred of them. They only talk to me when they feel the need, which is several times every day.”
“What kind of things do they say to you?”
“Bad things. They bully me. It's worse than the bullying documentaries you see on TV. They made me do this to myself.” I stick the cig in my mouth, stand up, and start peeling off my coat and sweater. I show Ashley the three long scars that run from my wrist to my elbow. Ashley gasps and eyes my other scars, the letters that spell out my name, the short cuts going across my wrists. I don't take off my shirt, she doesn't need to see what I have done to my stomach.
“Holy crap,” Ashley whispers. She runs her fingers over my scars. She doesn't say anything more. I bet I wouldn't know what to say if I were her, either.
I do the dumbest thing, and open my mouth. I tell Ashley almost everything. I tell her how I started hearing voices. How I started freaking out more often than usual. How I laughed for no reason. How I stopped moving and stared at nothing for too long. How I sometimes hit things, even fractured my hand punching the wall. How I stopped eating, stopped drinking (No, I was not anorexic. The voices called me fat fat fat, but I didn't exercise), stopped talking.
When I've finished talking, it's almost dark, and I've smoked half of Ashley's cigarettes. She listens the whole time, looking at me and nodding. I bet she doesn't know what to say, but I don't need her to say anything. When I take a breath, Ashley hugs me. “You'll be okay,” she tells me.
I probably won't be, but for a split second, I believe her. I actually, actually believe her.
Ten: She's lying.
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Sep 24, 10 at 12:02am ^re: Schizophreak [COMPLETED!]
YOU SHOULDEN'T BE WRITING ON YOUR B-DAY YOU OVERWORKED CANADIAN!
.:Can you forgive me?:.
♡ C A N D Y I S D A N D Y B U T L I Q U O R I S Q U I C K E R ♡
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Sep 24, 10 at 12:24am ^re: Schizophreak [COMPLETED!]
That was awesome! For a bit there I was worried Alyx's voice's might make her freak out infront of Ashley and she would lose out on geting a new friend.
quote harvest hunnyBecause its brilliant and then some
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Sep 24, 10 at 9:03pm ^re: Schizophreak [COMPLETED!]
Awesome chapter! Just like every other chapter you write.
Hope you don't get any more writer's block in future, I've missed reading this!
quote Name Undisclosed
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Sep 25, 10 at 4:44pm ^re: Schizophreak [COMPLETED!]
Interesting story. Keep up the good work.
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Sep 28, 10 at 9:08pm ^re: Schizophreak [COMPLETED!]
Johnathan Morris: Shut up Meg.
Alex0: Thanks dude
Neon Rainbow: You can never tell with me. Be prepared in the future, in case it comes back again. -_-
Millenium Master: Thanks dude
All right, my readers. I have something to say. I have finally figured out Schizophreak's climax, and it will be coming up very, very, very soon. It will be epic. It will be beautiful. It will be scary. It may make you think differently of our friend Alyx Sawhill. Prepare yourselves.
twenty-four ~ every february, you will not be my valentine
credit to VannaVenom from deviantArt
“And how does that make you feel, Alyx?” Jessica asks me, her tone bored, like always.
I wait a few seconds before answering. I am playing the part of the depressed teenager, whose parents have bodyslammed her into therapy for the third time, because she is a little bit depressed. Maybe she doesn't like her parents, she wants to stay with her boyfriend and have sex with him 24/7. “I don't know,” I say. “I feel like I had fun with her, but maybe telling her I have schizophrenia wasn't the best idea.”
Jessica Varner, PhD nods. “It might be good for her to know, though. Has Ashley talked to you since yesterday?”
“Yeah, she sat with Collin and me at lunch today. Her boyfriend Bruce sat with us, too. We're all a group in Psychology class.”
“Psychology class?” Jessica repeats. “How are you finding that?”
“I like it,” I reply. “We're learning about schizophrenia. We did a project—Ashley, Bruce, Collin and me—and we got an A on it.”
“What was your video about?”
“We decided to depict the types of schizophrenia, a documentary-style kind of thing. I had fun working on it.”
“That's good.” Jessica nods and looks in her notebook. “Ah. Alyx, I wanted to try something with you today. I understand that you're not particularly fond of coming here, so I decided to try a new tactic today.”
“What do you mean?” I ask.
“Remember last summer, your third session with me? We tried art therapy; you painted on the plain t-shirt. You liked that, didn't you?”
I nod. I actually enjoyed painting.
“Well, today, we're going to go in another room and we're going to try something different. Music therapy.”
* * *
Valentine's Day. I wake up in the morning, not excited at all. At breakfast, however, Robyn is excited because her boyfriend, Quinci, is supposed to get her “an amazing present.” (Quinci turns out to be the kid I see when I'm waiting for my Psycho Therapist in the waiting room; the kid who wears Slipknot shirts and has dyed hair.) Robyn has bought Quinci a Slipknot shirt and she shows it to me at breakfast. I laugh because I think the band is terrible. Robyn slaps me and puts the present back in the Hot Topic bag.
Robyn has dyed her hair (black), too, after begging Mom and Dad for two weeks. I had to dye it for her, though; Lynda did not want her to go to a salon because it's too expensive. I haven't dyed anybody's hair before, but I guess it turned out okay because Robyn hugged me after she stepped out of the bathroom and thought she looked amazing. Robyn also got the tips of her ears pierced a week later.
Anyways, at breakfast, Robyn says she thinks Collin will get me something for Valentine's Day. I roll my eyes and stab at my eggs. “I can tell he likes you, Aly,” she insists. “I bet he'll get you a single, red rose. Isn't that so romantic? I get Quinci will get me a rose and a box of my favorite chocolates. He's such a sweetheart.”
I roll my eyes. “You're too young for a boyfriend.”
Robyn glares at me over her glass of juice. “Whatever. Collin will get you something, though. Wanna bet?”
“I am not betting with you.”
Lynda sits down with her meal and smiles at us, glad that her daughters are bonding. Brian joins her and we eat our breakfast in silence. Lynda and Brian are probably going out tonight, I bet. They do this just about every year. Throughout breakfast, they look at each other with lovey-dovey eyes and it makes me want to chuck my eggs at them. They're even worse on their anniversary.
I finish my breakfast, thank Lynda, grab my backpack and get dressed. Because it's mid-February and global warming is getting worse every year, the snow is starting to melt and everything is all muddy and wet. I wear my rainboots and a hat. I do not need a jacket. I head out of the house and wait for the bus at the bus stop, like I do every weekday morning. The bus arrives 120 seconds later, and I hop on.
I sit beside Ashley, who greets me excitedly. “I can't wait to get to school!” she screeches. “Bruce says he has this great surprise for me—hey, look what I got him for Valentine's day!” she takes out a bag from a store I don't recognize, and pulls out a New England Patriots jersey. “He loves the Patriots. I just hope he loves the shirt.”
“He will,” I assure her.
“What do you think Collin will get you?” she asks.
I roll my eyes. “He will not get me anything for Valentine's day. We are not going out.”
“Alyx, are you dumb?” Ashley knocks on my head. “Knock-knock!” I smack her hand away. “He likes you, Alyx.”
“I am aware of that,” I say. “But if he truly did, he would have asked me out or something. We wouldn't be acting like little children who are too embarrassed to admit how we feel towards each other.”
Ashley blinks. “So you like him back?”
I groan. I put my head in my hands and do not reply. The bus comes to a halt three minutes later. I raise my head and see we are in front of school. We get off the bus together, but Ashley pokes me again. “Do you?” she asks. “It's not like I'm going to spread it around school or anything. I just want to know.”
“You really want to know, Ashley?” I say, turning to look at her. She nods. “Okay. The truth is, I don't know. I don't know whether I like Collin back or not. All right?”
“Okay.” she nods. “Ohmygodlook! Bruce is right over there! Oh my god! He's—”
Bruce runs up to Ashley and they hug each other. He twirls her around and exclaims “Happy Valentine's, baby!” they kiss, and I smile because they're so cute. Bruce hands Ashley a bouquet of (red) roses and a heart-shaped box, probably filled with chocolate. Ashley gives Bruce his present, and they kiss once again.
“Hey, Alyx,” Bruce says. “Happy Valentine's day.”
“Thanks,” I reply. I cross my arms and stare at the ground.
“You know, Collin is waiting for you at your locker,” Bruce informs me. “I saw him a couple minutes ago, he told me to tell you this if I saw you. So, yeah, you should go to your locker.”
I blink and my heart starts racing. “Really? Thanks, Bruce.” I head into the school building, past couples kissing and squealing in excitement over their gifts from their sweethearts. I head up the nearest stairwell which leads to the Languages department, turn left, and find the hallway where my locker is. As I near closer, I see Collin standing near my locker and my heart is banging against my ribs.
Four: Why the hell are you so nervous, Alyx? Calm down, loser.
I close my eyes for a second, then open them again. I shuffle towards Collin, who greets me with a grin. His hands are behind his back, which makes me very suspicious. “Happy Valentine's day, Alyx!” he shows his hands and in them, is a freaking huge bouquet of (pink) and (red) roses. My throat closes up and I can barely breathe. Collin gives me a kiss on the cheek and grins at me even harder.
I have two options. A) Scream at him and shred the roses to the floor, or B) Thank him and try not to break down bawling. I try to smile at him, try to take the roses. But my hands are shaking so badly they almost drop. Collin catches them. “Alyx?” he says again. “Are you okay?” I try to take a deep breath, but I choke on the air. I cough. Wheeze. Put my hand on a locker to hold myself up.
Twenty: Stop it. People are looking at you.
Twenty-one: Freak. Freak freak freak freak freak.
The Voices stop me from doing anything else that might make people look at me. I can breathe again. I look up at Collin and try to smile again. I take the flowers without dropping them, but I can't speak quite yet. I take another breath and try again. “Why did you get me flowers?” I ask.
“Because it's Valentine's day!” Collin says.
I blink. “But...but...I...I didn't get you anything.”
“That's okay, I like giving presents better than getting them.” Collin smiles and pulls out Peter from his backpack. “The flowers were Peter's idea. He wants to know if you like them.”
“I love them,” I say. “Th-thanks Collin. Thanks, Peter.”
“You're welcome!” Collin smiles even harder than before. What if his face breaks in half?
I smell the roses. They smell sweet. “Why did you get me flowers, Collin? And don't tell me 'because it's Valentine's day.' You got them for a reason, didn't you?”
“What, I can't get my best friend a Valentine's day present?” Collin asks, totally innocent.
“If you're giving me a present like this, you obviously think of me as more than your best friend,” I argue. I almost clamp my mouth shut—what the hell am I doing? Am I trying to make him tell me what he feels for me? I am such a bitch, but he needs to give me a good reason for these flowers.
Collin blushes. He looks down at the floor. “Uh...”
I wait. I even raise my eyebrow.
“I...uh...I gotta go. See you later, Alyx.” Collin rushes away, turns when the hallway ends, and probably heads down the stairs. I smirk to myself, and start to open my locker. I'm not too sure whether I should keep the flowers in here; they could wilt because there's no light in the locker. I decide that I'll keep them in the locker, because I'll look like a fool if I carry such a big bouquet of flowers around with me all day.
But before I can place the flowers in the locker, I feel someone tapping my shoulder. I turn around to see Ashley, who gasps. “I was right!” she exclaims happily. “Collin gave you those, didn't he? Oh my god, they're so pretty!” Ashley takes a whiff of my flowers.
I feel myself blushing. “I feel so embarrassed!”
“Why? Tons of other girls are getting flowers from their boyfriends. Look.” Ashley grabs my shoulders and spins me around. Sure enough, I see two girls walking down the hall together, chattering excitedly about their flowers and candy. Another girls squeals as confetti falls on her head from her very tall boyfriend towering over her. Two girls kiss each other, proving to the school that gays are people, too.
I look at Ashley again, who grins at me and asks, “So what happened? Why isn't Collin here or walking you to class, or something?”
I shrug. “I asked him to give me a reason for the flowers. He got all nervous and ran away from me.”
“Oooooooh!” Ashley makes a duck face. “That seriously means he likes you, Alyx! You two need to go out!”
“I won't go out with him because it will make you happy,” I retort. I put my flowers in my locker, in the corner so they can stand up on their own. I take off my hat and place it on a shelf. I take out the books I will need for the morning, and close my locker. I walk with Ashley to her first class, which is Math with Ms. Carter. I have English, so we split up when the first warning bell rings.
When I enter English class, there are candy hearts on every desk, the kind that say “be mine!” and “foxy lady!” on them. My little heart says “Kiss me.” Oh, god. I hope this isn't a hint from Collin or something.
“Mr. Lenhart?” I say. “Who put the candy on the desks?”
He shrugs. “I'm not sure, actually,” he says. “When I came in, the door was unlocked and I found the hearts on the desk. I even found one on mine.”
“Weird,” I say. I take my usual seat, and pop my candy heart in my mouth. The rest of the students pour in, confused by the hearts, but eat them anyways. The final bell rings, we listen to the national anthem and announcements, then class officially starts. Mr. Lenhart tells us we can do free-style anything, as long as it is Valentine's Day related, and we can work in partners if we want to. Also, since this is independent work, we can listen to our iPods. Since I hate working with partners, I work alone. I listen to my iPod while I work. I write an anti-Valentine's poem.
No, it's not a poem. It's a short story, I guess. Or a rant.
* * *
I head to Math class, the only class I have with Collin today. I take my usual seat beside him, but he's staring at his desk, his face flushed. I set my English books in the basket underneath my chair and turn to look at him. He sets Peter on top of the desk and takes out his Math set, ignoring me.
“Hi, Collin,” I say.
“Hello, Alyx,” he replies, still not looking at me.
I wait a minute before speaking again. “Are you mad at me or something?”
Class begins. Ms. Carter is in an unusually good mood. She is happy, and it's not fake today. She hands out candy hearts and lets us talk while we work. We work on math sheets that have riddles on it—What happened when the snail painted an S on his car? Everyone shouted 'Look at that escargo!'
I finish three math sheets, then read a book I have brought with me because Ms. Carter isn't paying attention. I read a few pages, then ponder why she's in such a good mood. Maybe she's going to have a SmartBoard for the class? Maybe she's fallen in love? No, maybe she has a secret lover. No, maybe she has a secret admirer who sent her flowers in her mailbox in the staffroom. Yeah, that's it. Maybe it's the male teacher across the hall, Mr. Tanner. Ms. Carter always goes over there to flirt with him.
When I have come to the conclusion Mr. Tanner has sent Ms. Carter flowers in her mailbox, I look over at Collin, who is attacking his calculator. I poke him with my pencil, just so he can look at me. Collin looks at me, and he looks a bit frustrated. “Hi,” he says.
“Hi,” I reply. “Want to take a break from working?”
“The bell's gonna ring in a mi—” Just as Collin is about to finish, the bell rings, dismissing us for lunch. I pack up my things, as does Collin, and we leave together. Collin's locker is the closest, so I follow him there.
“Um, are we still having lunch together, like always?” I ask.
He shrugs while taking out his lunch bag. “Yeah,” he says. “Like always.”
We head to my locker next, and I dry-swallow my lunch-time pill before taking out my own lunch: tuna sandwich, cookies, and a can of diet Pepsi. We make our way to the cafeteria in silence. Collin is still carrying Peter, but everyone at school is so used to it by now that they don't laugh and point. We sit at a table by the glass wall which looks out onto the school yard. It's not raining, but it's still cloudy.
I eat half of my sandwich in silence. Collin is looking out the window, still ignoring me. I'm starting to get frustrated. I sigh through my nose and look at him. His curly hair is falling over his forehead, as he stares at the table while eating his burger. Peter sits in the chair beside him, I am across from them.
“Collin, say something!”
Collin looks at me, opens his mouth, but no words come out.
“Collin, I'm sorry if I did anything to make you mad at me or something,” I say. I don't know why I'm doing this whyamIdoingthisI'msupposedtoshutup.
“I'm not mad at you, Alyx,” he says, looking at the table. “I'm just...uh...nervous.”
He blushes. “Uh...” he stares at the table again. “You're pressuring me, Alyx. Stop it.”
“What the hell do you mean, I'm pressuring you?”
“You can't...you can't go around demanding the answer to whether I like you or not. You can't ask me why I got you the flowers!”
“As a matter of fact, Collin, I can!” I retort. “I'm asking you a simple question: Why did you get me the flowers? And don't tell me 'Because it's Valentine's Day!'”
Collin takes a deep breath. He closes his eyes, then opens them. “All right. You want to know why I got you the flowers?” I nod. “I bought you flowers because...I...I...uh...” Another deep breath. I bet he's having a panic attack. “I...I...I l-like you, Alyx. A lot. I don't know whether I love you yet, but I'm getting closer to loving you every day. Ever since I met you. I've never really had a crush before, I've never really believed in love at first sight...but you, Alyx? You made me believe.”
He grins at me, getting the hang of this. All I can do is stare at him while he continues. “I'm sorry I couldn't tell you sooner. I just get so nervous around you. I know that sounds kind of stupid, but every time I see you I get so excited and I try to some to school every day, even when I'm sick. I...I, uh, I really look forward to every class with you and sitting with you at lunch, even if we don't talk to each other much.
“I know you don't realize it, but you're a wonderful person, Alyx. You're the nicest any girl has ever been to me. In middle school everyone thought I was just plain weird, but you accepted me right away, and that was so cool of you, Alyx. Even though you blow up at me, even though you think everything is wrong with you...you're amazing. You don't ever need to change, Alyx. Please don't change. Don't try to be someone you're not; you know why?”
“Why?” I ask.
“Because you're amazing, Alyx, just the way you are.”
He got that from a song. He grins at me, his face flushed from all the blushing. I blink. I look at the table. My lips are trembling. No, I'm not about to cry. “W-why?” I ask. “Why, Collin?”
“It's not easy to explain why you like someone, Alyx,” he whispers, looking at the table again.
I take a deep breath, but it comes out shaky. I do the worst thing possible. I start laughing. I laugh so loudly people are probably staring. I lean my forehead on the table, palms banging against the fake marble, shoulders shaking, wheezing. I cover my face with my hands, remove them, run them through my hair. I laugh for three straight minutes until tears come to my eyes.
“Ha!” I exclaim. “Oh, god. Oh, god!” I laugh again for another two minutes until I nearly fall out of my chair. I take a deep breath, take out my cookies from my paper bag, give them to Collin, and stand up. “Good one,” I say. “But April Fool's day isn't for another six weeks. That's my birthday, too, in case you don't know.”
“Alyx, what the hell is wrong with you?” Collin explodes. “I wasn't joking!”
I burst into laughter again. “Good one,” I repeat. “Very, very good. You should seriously do stand-up.”
I stumble out of the cafeteria, still laughing. I walk down the hallways until I reach the stairs that lead up to my locker. When I finally arrive at my destination, I have stopped laughing, and instead, my body is shaking all over. I open up my locker, take out a single rose, stand over the garbage can, and shred the petals to pieces. I am such a bitch.
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|Im NOT insane||
Sep 29, 10 at 11:10pm ^re: Schizophreak [COMPLETED!]
Thank you. Thank you thank you thank you thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou.
HarvestHunny, I thank you. And I thank you some more. And... Oh... What? Oh yeah. I thank you dearly, and Alyx is being so cruel to Collin. But, her schizophrenia is causing it, right?
Well, I hope for another chapter.
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Sep 30, 10 at 7:08pm ^re: Schizophreak [COMPLETED!]
I really hope Collin forgives Alyx for that.
He has in the past, let's hope he will again. (:
quote Name Undisclosed
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Oct 01, 10 at 10:00am ^re: Schizophreak [COMPLETED!]
f@#K tHAT. Collin shouldn't be a punching bag...
But I absolutely love this chapter.
It's a good thing she got another friend before this because I feel she totally alienated the poor guy, but there's hardly any room for sympathy for people who trade friends like baseball cards (I doubt Alyx is like this, she's bigger than that).
Anyways I hate that time of year, its disgusting how we just might need a time to push such flirtation.
Good job on putting this up, but I must say, you have forgot to put up the ppl on the other side of the spectrum, the ones without a Valentine. The Miss bitters and full blown jealous missies. I could say I have been on both sides.
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Oct 04, 10 at 9:01pm ^re: Schizophreak [COMPLETED!]
I suppose your views on how fantastic of a character Alyx is have changed, hmm, guys? Climax will come in like...two more chapters or something.
Credit to WerBinIch from deviantArt.
Her lips caress my ear, soft, plump lips. Her hair brushes against the side of my face as she makes her way around me. I am standing naked in the bathroom, wet from my shower. I am staring into the (black) curtain covering the mirror. Water drips from my too-long hair to the fluffy mat I am standing on.
“Are you sure about this?” She asks. She is beside me now, her freezing hands on my bare shoulders. I nod, my face feeling hard as stone. I feel like I'm preparing for some kind of fight, and She is helping me before I can run loose and kill my opponent. Nineteen smiles at me, her perfect lips covering her perfect teeth. “All right. Pull back the curtain.”
I close my eyes for a second, open them again, and pull back the curtain. I can't see myself for a few seconds, but They turn on my sense of self-recognition so I can see.
I can't be this ugly. I don't remember being this ugly. My hands fly to my stomach. I've gained weight since the last time I've looked in a mirror. My fingers press into the blubber, and my eyes look back at my reflection. The girl in the mirror's eyes are wild in terror. There are dark shadows under them, like she hasn't slept in days. There are (pink) scars all over her stomach from all the slicing and cutting.
She leans into the mirror at the same time I do. I can see the veins in her/my eyes.
Nineteen: You are so ugly, Alyxandra.
I take a shaky, deep breath. “Shut up, Nineteen.”
Nineteen: It was all an act, Alyxandra. Those flowers Collin gave you? He was paid to give them to you. He was also paid to tell you all that crap about him being in love with you. No one would ever love you, Ugly. His brother gave him fifty bucks. Pretty good deal, huh? He didn't give them to you because he likes you. He hates you.
Nineteen floats around me again, her hair brushing my bare shoulders. Her actions are so seductive. I may be somewhat bisexual, but I do not want Nineteen to seduce me. I do not like Nineteen. I do not like Anybody in any way. I want them all to die.
Twelve: Nineteen, you little bitch! You were put in the crazy house for being a pathological liar, were you not? Stop lying to Alyx, she needs to know the—
Nineteen: Shut up!
Nineteen pushes Twelve so hard Twelve topples over. Twelve swears, punches Nineteen in the face, and starts talking to me. Nineteen lied about a few things, but she was right about one thing. Well, not totally right—partially right. Collin doesn't hate you, but he's really upset with you. He really does love you, Alyxandra. But you hurt his feelings. He was really upset when he got home today. You're a horrible, horrible person.
Everybody: Bitch slut whore ugly bitch fat stupid freak guilty ugly beast.
I stare into the mirror. The girl in the glass stares back. Her face looks angry. We take shaky deep breaths, both trying not to scream and/or break the mirror. She watches me. I watch her. We raise our eyebrows at the same time. We snarl at each other.
“Fat slut,” I say; she mouths.
No, wait. I didn't say that. I raise my eyebrow at look around me, trying to find Nineteen or Twelve, or Anybody. One of Them had to have made me say such a thing to myself. Bad Alyx, bad! Low self esteem will get you nowhere!
Nineteen smiles at me. “Did you know I can force you to say certain things? No? Well, now you know. Aren't you proud of me?”
“No.” I turn to face her, but I take a quick glance in the mirror. I see the girl in the glass, but I do not see Nineteen in the reflection. “Nineteen, are you a ghost or something?”
“Excuse me?” Nineteen is confused. She looks in the mirror and frowns. “Oh. I forgot about that. You're right, Alyxandra, I am a ghost.” She faces me. “Somebody should have told you this a long time ago, but all of us, we're dead schizophreaks. When you die, you'll be one of us. You'll be voice number whatever, and you'll haunt a schizophreak of your choice. The last one to join us was number Two-hundred-five.”
“Now, why are there only two hundred of us in your head, instead of the thousands of dead phreaks? Well, we started joining you the night after you were raped, you ugly whore. That rape just killed you, didn't it, Alyx? Of course, it wasn't just the rape. Two out of your four grandparents have schizophrenia. Your parents were bound to get it, but they didn't. Instead, you got it. They're so proud of you. Anyways, after each schizophreak died, they found you. I don't know why we're all so attracted to you. You're just a worthless girl taking up too much space. Maybe it's because you're young. These ones were crazy before they hit puberty. Maybe—no, not maybe, this is true—they wanted you to suffer, because their youth was taken away and you're still young.”
That's pretty logical. Nineteen smiles again and takes my skull between her hands. I gasp and she squeezes my head tight, like she's trying to dig her palms into my skin. “What the hell are you doing?!” I screech. Nineteen smiles at me again, this time showing me her fangs.
“Close your eyes and watch,” Nineteen whispers. She vanishes, so I close my eyes and watch the horror movie playing behind my eyes.
“Autumn. I'm serious.” My hands clutched at my head, trying to rip out hairs. “I know it now. I'm crazy. I'm going to end up like those people we see on the Lifetime Movie Network.”
“What do you mean?” she asked, raising an eyebrow.
“There reason why I wasn't at school today is because I was at the hospital,” I explained. “Again. The doctors are saying I have this thing called schizo-affective disorder and they're giving me all these freaking pills. I'm crazy, Autumn. I don't want to be crazy.”
“Hey, at least it isn't schizophrenia, right?” she said, trying to make me feel better.
I glared at her. “Yet!” I said. “I know I'll end up having schizophrenia. I know it. Two of my grandparents have it. My parents were supposed to get it, but I guess it skipped generations or something, because now it's getting dumped onto me!”
“That's impossible, Alyx,” Autumn told me, taking one of my hands in both of hers. “Girls who are at risk for schizophrenia get it in their twenties. Maybe you just need more vitamins. Maybe this whole thing is temporary.”
“No, Autumn.” I shook my head. “Remember last month, we watched that thing on TLC? That little girl? She had schizophrenia and she was what, seven years old?”
“Oh. True.” Autumn looked down at her hands. “You'll never be a crazy freak to me, Aly. You'll always be my Aly. Whether you think you're a crazy freak or not.”
I stared at my own hands. “I know I have schizophrenia. I don't know what kind, but I definitely have it. You'll be there for me, right? Even if I kill somebody?”
“You're not going to kill somebody, Alyx. If the doctors say you have schizophrenia or whatever, they'll give you medication and you'll be okay. You'll be okay, Alyx. Really.”
I shook my head. “No. I won't. I'll be what they call a...schizophreak.”
“You're not going to be a schizophreak, Alyx. You will always be Alyx.”
“Kill me now.” I shut my eyes, which were watering. “Please.”
“I know I've been begging you for the past two weeks, but please, Autumn. Please kill me now. Or let me kill myself. Your dad's gun is here, right? Give it to me.”
“No, Alyx.” she didn't move. She sat there on the bed, legs crossed, eyes closed.
“Okay, you know what? Since you're not going to shut up, fine!” Autumn rolled her eyes and stood up.
“Thank you!” I said. I clasped my hands together. “You're going to do it? Get the gun for me? And kill me?”
“No,” she said, “you'll be responsible for the shooting. I'll run off because if my parents come home and find me here, I'll be arrested for assisted suicide.”
Suicide. Such a beautiful word to me, at the time. Autumn left the bedroom and I stared at her flowered blanket and her desk with her computer. I would definitely miss coming here. Maybe, if there was such a thing as the afterlife, I'd return as a ghost—a friendly one—and hang out with Autumn until it was her time to go.
Or, I'd be the mean kind of ghost. I'd follow Tyler Richmand around, haunt him for a while, and eventually kill him or something. I wouldn't be thrown in an asylum if I killed somebody while being dead. But what about Mom and Dad? And Robyn? Would they miss me? Would anybody miss me?
Autumn returned, carrying a 30 caliber gun in her hands. Her father was a police officer, so he carried the gun on his belt as a part of his job. The gun and the rest of the belt were locked somewhere, but picking locks was easy for Autumn. She had a set of them, the kind that came form the hardware store.
“Here,” she said. She handed me the gun, and it was surprisingly light.
“Is it supposed to be this light?” I asked.
“Yeah. What did you expect, a gun the weight of a bowling ball?”
I laughed and held the gun properly, index finger on the trigger. “Should I do it in here?” I asked. “Or in the yard so people will hear me?”
Her eyes widened. “Uh, you want to make this kind of thing public?”
“I guess not.”
“Okay then. Do you have any last words, Alyx?” she was surprisingly quite calm about this whole thing. Maybe she had been expecting it; I was depressed for so long that this wasn't a sudden decision.
I took a deep breath and put the gun to my head. “I just hope this makes The Voices go away.” I closed my eyes and pulled the trigger and nothing happened. I remember gasping and dropping the gun and looking at Autumn, who was looking at me, concerned.
“You really need help, Alyx,” she said before taking the gun away from me.
My eyes are squeezing together so tightly that it hurts. I let out a noise like I'm constipated, then open them. Nineteen is sitting on the toilet, laughing. The toilet is within arm's reach, so I slap her across the face. She looks at me. “Why she emptied the gun, I will never know,” she says. “Maybe there's something wrong with her. Maybe she's like you.” She lights up a cigarette, right in the bathroom. She takes a puff and exhales, blowing smoke in my face. “Some best friend, huh?” She smirks.
I narrow my eyes at her. She reaches for the shower curtain, pulls it back, finds the razor I use to shave my legs and armpits. She picks out a single blade, and places it in my hand. “Slice yourself up,” she whispers. “Now.”
I don't even think before doing it; I slice along my stomach and (crimson) blood leaks out, type O positive. I cut simple lines, I don't carve my name or anybody's name. While I cut, They whisper to each other, and Their voices echo in my ears. Collin hates you. Go die. Die die die. Why didn't Autumn fill up the gun? Collin hates you he'll never forgive you he hates you he hates you. Why are you so mean to him he hates you!
When They mention Collin, tears warm my eyes and spill down my cheeks. I bite my lip but a sob escapes anyways. It's not fair of Them to mention Collin! “Stop it,” I whisper. “Please.”
They shake Their heads, all of Them laughing. They enjoy my pain. What sick, twisted—slice slice slice. Blood drips onto the bath mat. Thank goodness it's (burgundy) so my blood won't be noticed if someone comes in after this. My hands shake while I cut. I can't stop I just can't freaking stop. I want to stop but They won't let me They want me to bleed to death. My cuts are jagged lines now, like I'm trying to give myself zig-zag scars.
The blood drips onto my thighs. I stop cutting for a minute and press my fingers into the thin cuts. My fingers are wet now. I put them in my mouth and I take like pennies. I set the little blade on the counter. I pick up my towel from the floor and press it against my torso do dry myself off. I find band aids from under the sink and stick them on the cuts that are bleeding again. I clean off the blade and toss it in the trash can. I look at myself in the mirror again. There is blood on my lips. I lick it off.
Forty-eight: You're still fat.
I close my eyes and put my head in my hands, letting out an animal noise. Nineteen circles me again; I can feel Her. She's so close that I can smell Her, and She smells like cigarette smoke. She forces my hands away from my face and forces me to look at Her. “You really should kill yourself,” She whispers before vanishing.
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