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May 27, 12 at 5:31pm ^Abusive Relationship Discussion
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quote Victim's Story
quote A reply to the above victimI looked up this information to better understand what my girlfriend has been going through over the 4 months we've been going out as well as about a year before that; since she wasn't very forthcoming with the information, and I had no prior experience, I had absolutely no idea why she acted the way she did, and chalked it up to my own bad decision making (that she wasn't interested), and decided to get rid of her, but something in her made me change my mind. I refer to the way she wasn't able to open up emotionally, she couldn't have "those" relationship talks, she didn't understand why I was/am so nice to her both in the things I do for and say to her, and got shit scared whenever I'd get even slightly angry about something, whether or not it was with her (and it rarely was with her). Her ex kept calling every *bleep*ing day, and I just naturally assumed she still had a thing, and after some bullshit arguing about why she was still in contact with a guy who she obviously broke up with for very good reason, she finally came out with "I can help him get better" (from being "sad" about losing her), that she just wants to stay friends (he stalks her physically, calls on average 15 times a day, and when she is ignoring the phone to him or is on the phone to me he'll call her house, or start calling her family with a withheld number).
The longer we went out, the more information I gradually got from her. She told me that he locked her in his bedroom, and then when she finally got out he held a knife to his neck and threatened to kill himself if she left, and his mum called over and started shouting at her! And mental stuff like this.
So once I realised I was not in a "normal" relationship, I already had fallen in love with this girl. I decided I was going to give her the time to clear her head of this... gentleman, she knows exactly what she must do for happiness yet she just can't let go of the past, of this obvious abuse, of this monster she was with for so long.
quote Some further information and opinionI gathered up some of this information both to help myself understand, and also to try and help her understand how she's still being treated. As I said, at times she realises how pathetic she's being, but then goes on to defend him and what is going on. Its very... tiring, both emotionally and mentally. I resolved not to give up, but there's only so much any one guy can take, however, I love this girl and won't lose her to this freak (as bad as that sounds, I know I shouldn't feel like I'm competing). As well as that, there is absolutely no way in hell I could ever have her thinking of going back with him (even though she promised me she wouldn't even if it wasn't for me), even if I didn't love her. Which would be madness on my part, to stay in a relationship for that reason, I know.
Don't get me wrong, it's not like I'm an idiot, it's just that I finally found somebody who (other than the above problem) is an absolute match for me, perfect for me in every way, and she feels the same. I've been in so many rotten relationships that I refuse to acknowledge that I've been in so many, (contradicting myself right there, I know!) and I finally meet the perfect woman, and this shit is happening.
I know I've become a shadow of my former self in the few months we've been in a relationship, I do have odd moments in work or at football or whatever where I'll once again be the life and soul, but really, generally, it's just for show, and I'm just a constant bag of depression at the moment. We both love each other, but it's apparently not enough.
We've spoken about breaking up, about seeing each other more, seeing each other less, about moving away together (as perfect as we are, I don't think it's a good idea considering the length of our relationship), I've consulted *bleep*ing everyone from my GP to my coach to my cousin, nobody seems to understand. I just do not know what to do, what to say.
I spoke about police, but that is a no go either, she would never allow the charges to press.
The only thing I can see that's left is to give this *bleep* a right good scare, but any time I've even spoken ill of him she goes on the defensive, imagine her finding out about me doing something violent!
Just as a last note:
She doesn't love him "in that way" anymore, however as this was her very first boyfriend, and they were together for 5 years, she still has some naïve thoughts, as well as feelings for him. She only ever wanted one boyfriend, one guy who she'd marry, have babies with, etc. This life plan didn't work out, but obviously she'd planned her entire life around him. This, paired with the abuse, has completely shaken her trust, her confidence, her self respect, her faith in relationships. None of which I picked up on when we started dating, she explained to me she wasn't looking for a new relationship when she met me, but since I was so kind, so nice, such a gentleman and yet at the same time so mad and funny and all that other bollocks, she couldn't say no. Go me.
I think that this experience is actually damaging me the way her past relationship damaged her, but I am so *bleep*ing subconsciously confident in myself that I'm sure as *bleep* that at some time, somehow, everything will be lovely again.
This abusive ex has now gotten to me, as well as my girlfriend.
I didn't post this to ask for help or advice, there's plenty of strangers already posted that shit elsewhere. I know it got a bit personal, but obviously there would have been questions and attempts at giving advice at some point, and I needed to write it down while I feel like this now, so I don't need to go through it again. It's actually three other things.
One, it's somewhere for me to vent some of my emotion without feeling like a big fairy.
Two, it's a bit of an awareness thing.
Three, I'd like to hear from anyone else who is going through or has gone through something similar, either as the victim, the next relationship, the family/friend, or whatever.
MOD Eidt - Changed thread title
May 27, 12 at 5:51pm ^re: Abusive Relationship Discussion
I find this topic intriguing, especially since I was involved in it in my past and now I look back and go wtf was I thinking. I feel for your story, and I'm sorry to hear about the troubles you're going through. I don't know what solution you could find besides making her stop talking to him completely.
I was in high school with a guy when it happened to me. Started as a normal relationship, first one, and he slowly morphed into a monster. Did the whole verbal and physical abuse until I believed every word he said, and by that time he had pushed every friend away so I didn't really have anyone to consult. Luckily, I had one school counselor who actually had a lot of experience dealing with battered wives and when I started talking to her she told me immediately what path I'm going down. It took a lot of time, especially since whenever I made an effort to cut all ties he would somehow make his way back into my life, however.. there was other forms of abuse going on so when I finally revealed that to my counselor she got the police involved. I was forced to give up all connections, which I was absolutely thrilled about since I had something pushing me to work really hard this time to do so. I had to change my school schedule, drop out of some extracirricular activities and cut off a lot of mutual friends, which was lame at the time, but I bounced back. Granted, my next real relationship since that experience was a few years later, it was REALLY hard at first.
Anyway, there's still something in her that's not thinking straight to know that she needs to get away completely, 100%, no jokes no games no pretend it needs to happen to finally become your own individual again. Maybe she's scared of the transition, I was. Even though it was abuse, it became normal and almost a comfort blanket. I also don't know how young you two are, but if she's on the younger side that could play a role in how she's behaving.. isn't so easy to comprehend when you're young. It's nice that you're there for her, but part of me wonders what would happen if you give her an ultimatum. You shouldn't just wait for her to become the perfect girlfriend, and you shouldn't let her think that you'll just be there for her whenever she decides to cut off ties with her ex. Unless she just isn't ready for a relationship now at all, which is another potential issue. Those are just my thoughts, everyones situation is unique but I hope you're able to find a remedy soon.
You butter-fingered pink thing! What's in that box anyhow? & Poetry & Drawings
Jun 7, 12 at 3:11pm ^re: Abusive Relationship Discussion
Kedjown, there was nothing wrong with your post. I only deleted it because it was a response to a troll post that was also deleted. I just cleaned out this thread a little. Folks, let's keep this on topic please. Thanks.
Jun 27, 12 at 11:13am ^re: Abusive Relationship Discussion
Have any of you ever tried or know anyone who has tried Steve Hassan's BITE model in regards to abusive relationships? I'm kind of a newbie at the subject, but I recently got my hands on his new book Freedom of Mind and I've been captivated by it.
Do any of you people endorse his theories? If not, is there someone else you can suggest? I don't know anyone in an abusive relationship myself, I'm more of an outsider who just wants to learn more about the subject.
Thanks for listening.
Oct 6, 12 at 4:31pm ^re: Abusive Relationship Discussion
Hi, I wrote a book based on a relationship with abusive partner. It is a great way to learn more about abuse and what an abuser is capable of and his manipulative ways to get what he wants. Here it is link to it for you to read and share with someone who can benefit from this book:
Fire and Ice
In Fire and Ice, Nancy, a naïve but resourceful, kindhearted woman, marries her high school sweetheart. As a working wife and mother, Nancy perseveres, despite having an abusive, alcoholic husband.
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