Dating: Asking, Conflicts, relationships, and Tips - Page 24

quote Xeno

Rofl.

No, I know. I understand that. But trying to act cool or attempting to relate to someone on a level that disinterests you... It's just not what anyone should have to worry about. Being more open is always a good thing, putting yourself out there more and all that. I know from experience that shyness is a total turnoff for almost anyone, but that's something I, personally, had to work on to feel comfortable with. Not something I could just pretend to be over with. And often, these things, you have to work on with someone else. Which is good, because it only serves to bring two people closer.

Not for anything, but I hear this a lot in real life from some of my friends and acquaintances who are not good with women. It is a subtle but discernible distortion (albeit unintentional) of what I am trying to suggest. Invariably, my words get twisted into me suggesting that you act like someone you are not, when that is NOT the case at all. I am suggesting that you BECOME the MAN most men inherently wish they were and then be yourself. The part that I made bold in your post reminds me of what I hear from a lot of my less attreactive female friends. They have the same complaints but in reverse. They object to advice such as "lose weight" if they are overweight. They don't like it when people suggest that they learn how to do their makeup, get dolled up when they are out trying to meet guys, and learn how to act in a flirtatious way. They (like what I am sensing from you) are resistant to the idea that if you are NOT naturally beautiful and can turn heads just by walking into a room (or in the case of a guy, cool and suave enough to have their pick of several very attractive women) that, yes, they have to work at it!

Seriously, if you are a guy who does not look like Brad Pitt, then if you are going to punch above your weight (lol hope you don't mind me stealing that from you, Cashis) then you are going to have to rely on your personality. If you are a girl that doesn't look like a hot model, then you will need to dress hot, work out to tone yourself, learn how to do your makeup, and make yourself more physically attractive. This is NOT being fake or insincere, it is making yourself as attractive as you possibly can in order to attract someone who YOU are attracted to rather than just being stuck with "whatever you can get" because of your neglect.

I am honestly so sick to death of hearing both men and women whine, "Why can't he (or she) just love me for me, for who I am inside?!"

And you know what? And here is the real irony! The people who cry that the loudest are usually the ones (both guys and girls) whose tastes are also shallow themselves. Meaning, people who usually whine in this way, regardless of sex, are usually trying to date "out of their leagues."

Which is fine, by the way. My only point is that if you want someone that is probably out of your league then you are going to have to work at it.

Here's a piece of relavent advice that hasn't been brought up yet. ALL WOMEN WANT DIFFERENT THINGS IN MEN. Not every woman wants a cool, suave, natural leader type. Some women are attracted to the shy geeky types. Some women are attracted to aggressive macho men and some women are attracted to slightly effeminate sensitive types. Every woman is different. When you're can't be yourself around a woman and attract her without having to force yourself to be mr. personality that's when you're most likely trying to attract a woman who is completely incompatible with you to begin with. Now obviously there are several universally unnattractive personality flaws out there, but I object to the idea that every woman is looking for the exact same attributes in a man and that every man is supposed to work on his "personality flaws" until he has achieved these attributes.

quote Cashis

I think there are more women in the world who like the macho alpha male type so that's the basis a lot of people work on when giving advice. We still have primal urges and a woman's urge is usually for someone to protect them and to help them raise a family and a shy geeky guy might not have these attributes.

But you are right, different women want different things but we're just saying this from a viewpoint of behind a monitor, we don't know the full situation or what this woman wants.

Also, let's be clear: We are talking about attractive and very attractive women here! Most unattractive or women whose looks are just average have far different criteria for what they look for in a mate. In addition, the kind of male personality that you and I (and several others in this thread) are referring to is far more universally attractive than other male personality types. I see the qualities that I wrote about being the male equivalent to beauty in women. Sure, there are some guys that probably prefer unattractive women. Hell, some guys are what my sister calls "Cubby-Chasers," meaning they are only attracted to really obese women. Most men want the hottest girl they can possibly find, and ONLY settle for less if they feel they cannot do any better.

My point is, however, that these guys are few and far between, and I believe that while there are some attractive women that may like different qualities than I was describing, like the chubby chasing guys, it is my opinion that these women are rare.

A few things to remember that you ABSOLUTELY had better NOT do:

1. If she has complaints about the guy she is with DO NOT try to overtly tool him to her. MOST women complain about the guys they are having sex with, and many guys that are waiting in the wings for her attention erroneously believe that if they can come off like Mr. Wonderful and ACT as if they are the antithesis of the guy who she is complaining about that it will be a sure trip to the promised land. It isn't, and in fact it is a one way ticket to the dreaded Friend-Zone! If anything, when she complains about him, try to be sympathetic toward HIS SIDE. This way you aren't coming off like a needy suitor who is kissing her ass to win her favor. There are ways to "tool" the current BF, but that is pretty advanced. lol Serious.

2. On the same topic, RESIST ALL TEMPTATION to be her therapist. Look, there is a reason she is sleeping with this guy! And whether you or she wants to admit it, you are going to have to be more like the guys she usually chooses to have sex with rather than the guy she claims she wants, maybe even thinks she wants, but always finds a reason NOT to be with! I kid you not.

3. Be cool, laid back, and most of all be relaxed with whatever happens! DO NOT push her or come on to her in any way. This is not saying you can't escalate things physically. You certainly can, BF or not. But when I say don't come on, I mean DO NOT start talking about all your feelings and how you two would be so great together. Look, if you happen to be one of the rare guys that knows how to close (lol sorry ladies, I know that's crude) then by all means use your skills. I certainly would if I were you. But you need to realize that there is a fine line between being the attractive guy she CHEATS on her current BF with and a creepy, needy, clingy guy who she nukes right into the ol' friend-zone.

quote Kurix

Chiro, why must you assume it's sex? These two haven't had sex, and I don't want sex right now. Maybe later, but that's not my style to go for sex right off the bat.

Because all adult relationships are about sex one way or the other.

quote Kurix

And this is the same girl I've talked about before. We're sorta already friends.
I'll be brutally honest, I'm not good at relationships. It's been a while since I had a long term girlfriend.

I've heard of a thing called 'kino', after they split up, should I try doing that to show I'm interested?

I am not big into the so called community so I am not sure what Kino means, to be honest. You do seem to be a little naive (to me at least) about sex. Regardless of whether you are after sex or a relationship, my advice stands.

quote GexTheLizard

Hey now, unattractive people can turn heads when they walk into a room too. They don't even have to put on makeup or even shower!

In fact, the lack of a shower can help in this context.

Right, I haven't been on this site in a while and am not sure how this thread works, so I'm just gonna dive straight in.

I've got a boyfriend, and have been with him for 3 years. Last year we started going to college together, and I met this other guy, and I didn't really notice him too much at first. But within the past 6 months or so we've become really good friends and it turns out that I now like him, a lot. I found out he liked me cause he told me while he was drunk, and we've talked about it quite a bit since then and he says he feels like he likes me more than he's liked anyone. Now, I care about my boyfriend a lot, and would never cheat on him, but me and this other guy have had a few times where we've sat around and hugged each other for ages, although I have never kissed him no matter how much I've wanted to. Should I feel guilty about this? Because I feel so, so guilty about all this, especially because I'm not sure my boyfriend knows that we like each other and I feel like I'm betraying him in a way. Me and this guy are trying to stay friends, but it's difficult because we're all in the same friend group, and obviously he doesn't feel too good when he sees me and my boyfriend together. That makes me feel guilty too.

So, this could easily become complicated. Am I right to feel guilty or am I overreacting about these things? What should I do? I just care about these two people so much and hate to hurt either one of them.

There are probably a few things I've missed out since it's a long story, but if you need any extra info, just ask. Thanks in advance for anyone's advice.