Final Fantasy XIII review
Stupid game for stupid people


Hello, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Logan Freeman, your guide to making a game for the average idiot. Today, we'll be dissecting Final Fantasy XIII, nibbling and gnawing at all it has to offer, and pinpoint the exact location of its appeal. So without further adieu, let us begin!

On our right, we can see the storyline, consisting of words and concepts that you must pay attention to, lest you want to be lost in just trying to figure it out. Beyond the complications of the terms and how lost you'll be if you don't pay attention to the first few hours, this is a rather simplistic storyline, full of predictable plot twist after another. After careful analysis, I've concluded that the only scenes the average player is interested in are the scenes where the machines are blowing up other machines. Our top scientists have also concluded that the story is nothing all that interesting. Something about a corrupt government encouraging hatred for anything from the world they had once warred against in fear of invasion.

Continuing into the room, we can see just how the characters function throughout the storyline. As far as we can tell, the characters' appeal rivals that of the electric chair. They are either too whiny, or too busy failing at creating an atmosphere due to their constant spewing of cringeworthy dialogue that wouldn't sound out of place in an anime dubbed by 4Kids. To make matters worse, the game spends the first 25 hours developing them into beings that you would normally care about under normal circumstances, but our top researchers have noticed that the corny writing, coupled with the unlikable personalities of the characters throughout, have significantly stunted the emotional depth of these characters. In other words, whatever development may have occured, doesn't. The story may not have been that interesting on its own terms, but this could have been saved by the characters... it is quite a shame that it isn't, now, isn't it..?

In our next room, we have the gameplay. This room has been constructed to replicate that of a typical outworld location throughout the first 10 chapters - a straight, narrow line with no distractions at certain points, except for when Square-Enix feels that it's necessary to slap a cutscene across our faces. This ultra linear world progression is one that may allow us to soak in the gorgeous graphics, but it doesn't let us experience them to their fullest potential - rather, it only allows us to bask in what is seen. If you think that this room is a waste of space, then you are correct. We could have used this space for a gift shop, or a Hungry Jack's stand, or something, but I wanted to simulate what it's like to go through the overworld in Final Fantasy XIII.

This next room has a film that depicts a typical Final Fantasy XIII battle. As you can see, the three warriors are hacking at the dragon via the Auto-Battle command, where they can perform pre-selected attacks based on what would be most helpful against the enemies. If you thought older RPGs suffered from too much of pressing the X button, you will be astounded by how much you have to use to d-pad - not at all! You can simply press X over and over and over again because you're given the best attacks for the situation via Auto-Battle. You never have to think again thanks to this game!

Oh, look at this, Lightning died. What is this, a game over screen? Your eyes are not lying to you. If the character you are controlling dies in battle, the game ends. But never you mind, for you start right by the battle! Lightning runs into the enemy and initiates the revenge battle, hoping to kill the dragon this time. The "player" decides to be smart about this, though. You are now being showed Paradigms. These contain a combination of jobs amongst the three fighters you're using. Currently, they're all using the Commando job, which is the job that allows for physical combat, but the "player" is switching to one where Lightning can use magic, one where Snow can also use magic, and one where Sazh can keep with the physical attacks. Now, if you want to get technical, you can have strategies where one person attacks while the other two either weaken the enemy, or strengthen the party, but that is only if the characters have that job available... which becomes an obsolete handicap as you progress, since all six characters will invariably be able to use all six jobs, and inevitably, they will all be the same characters with maybe one or two character exclusive abilities.

We're approaching the end of the film. A battle has ended with our heroes winning. It is now showing a crystalized flower with lines around it, and a dot that is traveling through the line, heading towards the crystals that allow the character to either strengthen up, or learn new abilities. If you are thinking about how pointless this looks, you are thinking correctly. This could simply be like your typical RPG, in which a character levels up as he or she gains experience points without some silly extravogent looking level up system to give you the illusion of freedom in terms of character customization, for, as noted before, there is no real customization, and at a point, there are no differences between the characters, excluding an ability or two. Our top surveyers have found that people would prefer if the level up system was to either have branching paths and have less specific jobs, or if each character was leveled up in a specific way, like Snow being your attack tower, or Lightning being a speed attacker, which I think are perfect suggestions as replacements for this overly useless leveling up system, but that is just me.

As the film is over, I would like you all to proceed into the graphics room. All of the models on the table are taken straight from the game - no glossy paint or anything has been placed over it to make them seem more aesthetically pleasing, especially since in the realm of video games, you can't go much further without playing Crysis or Killzone 2. The luscious colors and textures on the environments are extremely effective in drawing you into the world, despite the linear progression. The characters are also excellent looking, sporting some fine clothes and realistic attire. Our janitor had once said that they look like dolls, but one of our scientists told him that it merely achieved graphical perfection in human modeling in video games, which is a rare feat when you think about it.

Now I would like you to collect a CD and a DVD. The CD contains the soundtrack, which, judging from our surveys, is considered alright, but nothing special. It has been noted that the tunes sound lovely in the game, but on their own, they don't hold as much weight as they should, though the reasoning behind this is that other Final Fantasy games have more captivating songs. The songs here are nondescript, and don't do much beyond giving you something listenable. The DVD contains the top 10 cutscenes containing character development, as noted by various surveys. They have noted that the voice acting is there to try and compensate for the terrible writing, but all it does it somewhat lessen the impact, which saves the "player" from wanting to find the writers, rip their heads off and shove them on a pike together, but that is all. Other than that, the voice acting does nothing to enhance the characters. All it does is just give you something to listen to. Audibly speaking, it's just there...

And thus concludes our tour. I hope you learned a lot about how to make a game that is the gaming equivelant of the live action Transformers movies - all style; no substance. There is no reward for beating this game; only shame in knowing that you wasted 60 hours on something that you could've used to do something better, like write the great Australian novel, or volunteer your life to make the lives of others significantly better for no pay, or heck, play the better RPG that came out in March of 2010 - Resonance Of Fate. Thank you, come again!


Story: 0/5. Seriously, did anybody actually enjoy the story? Reaches no happy medium and the annoying characters and corny as hell dialogue just beg you to skip the scenes.

Gameplay: 0/5. World that only serves as a graphical cocktease and a battle system that's about as simplistic as simple can be... I feel insulted playing this. I'd rate this a 3, except there's no real gameplay - Heavy Rain has more gameplay than this!

Graphics: 5/5. This is where their budget went, my readers! These gorgeous ass graphics with more life than life itself! So few games top this in graphics!

Sound: 3/5. The music was pretty "meh", as was the voice acting. Nothing audibly struck me as excellent, though at least my ears weren't assaulted by shitty dubbing - just shitty dialogue.

Overall: 1/5. Wow, I'd rather kill myself than play through this crap ever again! If you like it, fine, but I hated it through and through, and would not recommend it to anybody who hasn't been suckered into purchasing this shit heap.

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0 thumbs!
Gryzor Aug 22, 10
Ugh, you might want to rewrite the gameplay section. It looks like ass! Like, I see where you're going with it, but it doesn't work, and reading it made me feel dirty. The rest of the review is fine, though.
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