Duke Nukem Forever review
Gearbox finally makes a bad game

The good:


The bad:

*bleep*ing everything


Hello, everyone. It's been awhile since I've reviewed any games, so I figured I'd come back with a bang. A very, very disappointing and horrible bang that people waited an entire decade for, only to find out that they completely wasted their time and money on a worthless pile of shit that was only released due to easy marketing and ridiculous hype. Now that we've set the mood for the rest of the review, let's get to it.

I myself am a very big Duke Nukem fan. I remember playing Duke Nukem 3D with my father when I was around 4 years old, and everytime we reached the stripper parts, he'd give them money and tell me not to tell my mother. It was a goddamn blast. Duke 3D was my childhood. It's the reason I'm a gamer today. Duke Nukem Forever takes what Duke 3D was, and makes it stupid. Just... stupid. No other words can describe DNF as accurately as just 'stupid'. So yes, I'm completely biased as far as this game goes, so I wouldn't recommend reading on unless you want to hear constant bitching and ranting.

Speaking of bitching and ranting, these graphics are not 2010 graphics. Know what graphics they are? Doom 3 Xbox graphics. I completely understand the 10 year period in which DNF was 'on hold' were not all development time. But that seriously doesn't excuse how bad these damn graphics are. I'm no graphics whore, don't get me wrong, but come the hell on. It looks like someone made a half-assed graphics mod for Duke 3D and somehow took all the fun out at the same time. The character models are blocky, the setting are bland and boring, the monsters are uninteresting, and the render issues are just ridiculous. I had moments in the game where it took 30 seconds for one area to render out. Come. The. Hell. On.

Now, as far as sound goes, I don't have many complaints. The guns all sound cool, the music is badass (as expected), and Duke is still Duke. But all the voice actors beside Duke were just awful. But there's not enough wrong with the sound for me to turn this into a half-page paragraph bitching about it. So let's just move along.

Getting into gameplay, I have many complaints. The game tends to follow an older FPS formula, save for the fact that it throws in a few modern-day FPS aspects as well. The older aspects would be flooding you with enemies, giving you near endless ammo to waste them, and large bosses that die easily. The new aspects would be regenerating health, 2 weapon limit, and levels so linear that your ass hurts. Alone, I suppose those things would be tolerable, but when combined, you get some of the most tedious and utterly shit gameplay you'll ever find. Unless you're wearing rose-coloured glasses while playing, you'll most likely have a headache from all the dull gunfights and lame jumping segments.

On the topic of gameplay, I also want to bring up the multiplayer. Which is one of the few things done right here. DNF's multiplayer is singlehandedly the most fun I've had in a multiplayer game in my life. It brought back all the nostalgia of Unreal Tournament and the Quake series. It was so ridiculously fun because it was so ridiculously simple. Duke Nukem Forever's only saving grace in my eyes is its multiplayer. God, it's so fun. I want to re-rent the game just to play the multiplayer again. But enough sucking the multiplayer's dick. Onto more important things.

STORYLINE. Yes. Storyline. Nothing's more important about the Duke Nukem series than its story. You see, Duke Nukem Forever revolves around yet another alien invasion of Earth where WE'RE ALL DOOMED. Like super serious, guys. Completely doomed. Except that Duke Nukem comes along and is somehow the only person who can save the world. Again. So Duke comes along with his ENTIRE ARSENAL of 2 guns at a time, and he shoots all the bad aliens and they die. And at the end, there's an allusion to a sequal. Oh, and there's titties, too! GREAT STORY, HUH? A single tear mosied its way down the side of my cheek as I saw the compelling scene where Duke punched the shit out of an alien's testicles. I would've paid well over $60 for this masterpiece of a game JUST for its storyline. Luckily, I didn't do that. And you shouldn't either.

Oh, and blah blah blah, something about gun selection. There's the usual Duke fare here. Pistol, Shotgun, Machine Gun, other Machine Gun, three or four random alien lazer guns, Shrink Ray, Freeze Ray, Rocket Launcher, and Badass Alien Rocket Launcher (deemed the 'Devastator' by the Nobel Prize of Literature-winning writing staff). They all shoot bullets that hurt people. Compelling stuff. There's also a pipe bomb and mine just like in Duke 3D, and they're essential for most of the dull bosses. Not so much for the millions of enemies they throw at you for no reason. There's reloading chests and bomb piles ('Hey, guys, let's keep our explosives bundled in a pile unattended near areas where aliens are *bleep*ing shit up. Sound good? Good.' where you can get ammo and the such. Since these are found during every boss fight, you have unlimited ammo for every boss. Cool.

I'd say that about wraps things up here. Shitty game with only one real redeeming factor. And that's the multiplayer. If you like games where you play an obnoxious protagonist with seemingly unwarranted Godly combat skills who kills unlimited amounts of reskinned enemies with generic guns, this is your game. However, some might argue that you can find the same exact thing in the Uncharted series. Nonetheless, this game is a big pile of shit. Don't play it, don't get it for your loved ones, don't even look at it. It's terrible. But there's titties and drinking in it. So there's that.

This *bleep*in game gets like 0. But since I can't give it a 0, I'll go with 1.5.

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