Lukas' Deadly Towers Review
You wonder what the developers of the "Where is Carmen Sandiego" series on the old CD-roms and the developers of the R-Type series on the NES, SNES, PS1, PS2 and PSP (and eventually the 360 and PS3) started...well, stop wondering! Because this was their start and it was a god awful start! They tried to be like Zelda, but failed miserably because of broken controls, gameplay more tedious than accounting and music that is worse than hearing a baby scream. It's that bad. What were they thinking!?
Starting with the title screen, pressing start gets you to the password screen. WTF I DON'T HAVE A PASSWORD YET! Well, if you press start again, you start. This is lazy work. I doubt many people would even know how to start playing, let alone figure out why Broderbund and Irem made this pile of crap then advanced to far superior Carmen Sandiego and R-Type series'. But really, if you figure it out, then prepare for even more torture! You'll be eye-*bleep*, ear-*bleep* and butt-*bleep* at how bad it gets after you press start.
Now, I'm not going to compliment the story...too much. I appreciate the effort they put into it, but it sucks to put it bluntly. Might seem advanced by NES standards, but maybe too advanced. What it is, is that Prince Myer is having a coronation ceremony, but a lot of crazy stuff starts happening around his kingdom and he has to find the seven bells and burn them to stop the world from being destroyed. Points for trying something a bit more detailed and different, but points way off for not being presented correctly. First off, you have to bore yourself by watching the title screen until it fades to the story. Next off, it scrolls WAY too slowly. It's worse than that guy who reads the letters at the end of each episode of 60 Minutes, and that guy reads pretty damn slow... Lastly, you HAVE to read all of that to know what you're doing! I'm dead serious! That's bullshit...
Getting the not-so bad out of the way, the graphics look like a kid's booger and mucus that they spat out on a piece of paper and had the hell smeared out of it to make comprehensive figures. Better yet, I think the graphic designers were paid minimum wage and spent only 2 minutes on each level and about 4 seconds on the sprites, paying no attention to anything, just putting random crap everywhere. I think Atari-2600 games look better than this! Actually, I think a lot of disgusting crap looks better than these graphics.
As far as the audio goes, set the TV to mute. The soundtrack sounds as if it was composed by Beethoven's "special" nephew who, unlike Beethoven, actually fails BECAUSE of his deafness. Basically, it's an eardrum-shattering tune that loops forever. As for sound effects, they're generic. Not much else to comment on.
And now for the part that really makes Deadly Towers one of the absolute worst NES games ever to be released...The piss-poor gameplay!
The way the game plays is horrific! Basically what you're meant to do is kill monsters, but that becomes a chore as your sword is weak as a kitten and you can only shoot out one at a time. When you're getting surrounded by enemies, you're screwed! They surround you and hurt you badly. Basically, you take a LOT of damage from even the most basic of enemies, and the stronger enemies will kill you in no time. Sometimes, they bump you off the floor entirely and kill you. That's just cheap, and I mean SUPERLY GODDAMN CHEAP! If you're surrounded, you may as well quit.
Here's a real cheap moment - when you enter a smaller room, you start at the center and get killed straight away by an enemy standing there. WHAT!? CHEAPNESS FTL! Can you all hear the blood boiling within!? That's what cheap shit like that and just about everything else in this game does to you. It pisses you off and makes you want to break the cartridge (which would be a smart idea so you don't have to play this crappy game ever again).
Of course, you can help yourself to stand a chance by either finding some heart pieces around the place, or by buying overpriced items in cryptically hidden stores. You will only randomly stumble upon these as there are no signs or anything (which makes no sense and forces the player to look hard to find it a second time forcing them to randomly find it again).
Guess what your currency is? Ludder. What kind of name is ludder? Were they meant to just...make something up on the spot? Why not just stick to gold or "$$$"? Makes a HELL of a LOT more sense than ludder. Not that it matters, it's as hard to amass enough ludder to make things easier for yourself as it is to find Jesus.
You know what really sucks about this game? It has a cult following. People actually like this game. I'm all for open-mindedness and whatever, but honestly, there is no appeal to the game whatsoever! Deadly Towers is one of the worst games on the NES, and it rates with other equally terrible NES games - Action 52, Heroes of the Lance and Hydilde. Pray that you don't play any of these 4 games. I'm glad Broderbund and Irem got their act together and created far better games over the years to make up for this...
So to sum it all up:
Tries so hard to emulate Zelda, but fails miserably. Tedious as hell, boring as crap and...A FREAKING BLOB KILLS YOU! ARGH!
Oh, they seem good at first, until you realize they're sluggish and basically broken, though there are games with FAR WORSE controls...Heroes of the Lance, anybody?
In terms of content, it's decent enough. However, in presentation, it sucks! A slowly scrolling text...YOU HAVE TO READ!? Screw that, just give us the bare basics when we start the game, not make us wait on the title screen for ages to read a bloody novel!
I've seen many bad things in my life. I've seen the face of death. I've seen what PETA truly do to their animals. I've seen Passion of the Christ. I've seen a *bleep* orgy. I've seen a man sucking off a horse. Hell, I've seen old people have *bleep*. But all of that...is more appealing than the graphics of this game. That's how bad they are.
If Beethoven heard any of this, he'd go deafer than he already was. Just horrible.
Oh, it takes a while to finish, but what does it matter? You'll probably destroy the game moments after playing it!
...don't even go there...
DESTROY THIS GAME!
0/5. What a pathetic game.